Can you read it?
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Corny art
Maybe it's supposed to be ironic, this former corn field, sprouting 109 people-sized ears of concrete corn in a large oddball art display. But it's also a salute to Sam Frantz, an inventor of hybrid corns, and a very weird sight along the highway.
Frantz farmed this site from 1935 to 1963, using it as as a study field for tasty mutant strains. Frantz was "well known for his development of hybrid corn seeds," and worked with Ohio State University on hybridization projects. He donated this land, now named Sam and Eulalia Frantz Park, after its farming days were over.
This Field of Corn can be found in Dublin Ohio.
Oxymoronica
Here are just a few oxymorons from the massive list at oxymoronica.com:
- Additional reduction (Do I use the PLUS or MINUS button on my calculator?)
- Alone together (Just the one of us)
- All-day briefing (It won’t take long)
- Angry patient (But he complained so calmly)
- Assistant supervisor (Either you’re the supervisor or not)
- Attentive husband (Huh?)
- Awfully pretty
- Baby doctor (His stethoscope drags the ground)
- Baked Alaska (Hot time in a cold climate)
- Bankrupt millionaire (Is he or isn’t he?)
- Beyond infinity (Maybe even farther than that)
- Birthday suit (Nice outfit)
- Bottoms up (Or tops down – you decide)
- Butthead (Or a head butt)
- Catfish (Birds crap on my car too)
- Cheap gas (Only $2.37.9 a gallon… and what’s with this “point 9” cents thing?)
- Cheerleading scholarship (You DO have to know how to spell “GO TEAM”)
- Cherry tomato (make up your mind)
- City worker (One out of the six workers is working)
- Civil war (“May I shoot you sir?”)
- Clearly misunderstood (I know that I have no idea what you just said.)
- Cold hotdog (Better than a hot colddog)
- Concrete pad (Sanitary?)
- Congressional ethics (Riiiight)
- Crash landing (He’s a down to earth kind of guy)
- Dead Man Walking (They’re called Zombies)
- Death benefits (1. You get a lot more rest)
- Decent lawyer (There has to be one somewhere)
- Definite maybe (I think… probably)
- Deliberate mistake (Then is is a mistake?)
- Detailed summary (Just the facts, ma'am.)
- Dickhead (No comment necessary)
- Disaster relief (1-800– CALL-FEMA)
- Discovered missing (So, is he still missing or not?)
- Dodge Ram (I think this is a near miss)
- Double solitaire (Twice the fun by yourself)
- Dress shoes (You can wear them both)
- Drag race (“Transvestites, start your engines”.)
- Drive-thru window (It better be a big one cause I’ve got a big car)
- Dull shine (I can’t see myself)
- Duplicate original (As opposed to the original duplicate)
- Escaped inmate (I guess that makes him an outmate now)
- Evaporated milk (It was here a minute ago!)
- Expected surprise (When I came home I expected a surprise and there was no surprise for me, so, of course, I was surprised.)
- Extra ordinary (I think that means really plain or dull)
- Fellow sisters (Tomboys perhaps?)
- Fish farm (We’ve got 20 acres of trout here and 10 acres of catfish across the road)
- Free gift (as opposed to a $12 gift)
- Freezer burn (Avoid by turning the light off in the freezer)
- Fresh-frozen jumbo shrimp (double your oxymoronic pleasure)
- Friendly fire (I think I’ll shoot my best friend)
- Genuine imitation (but it’s real fake)
- Go ahead, back up (Make up your damn mind)
- Graduate student (Gonna stay an extra year just to piss of the professor)
- Green orange )I don’t think you should eat that)
- Grounded airplane (Isn’t that a car with wings?)
- High ground (Must be a hill)
- Hopelessly optimistic
- House boat
- Ill health (You gotta die of something. Might as well be something that’s good for you)
- Increasingly little (Well, more or less)
- Incredibly honest (That means he usually lies)
- Initial conclusion (Same as my initial results, but might differ from my final draft)
- Inside out ( I once ate at the Outside Inn)
- Instant classic (That’s like Instant H-20 – Just add water)
- Irate patient (But he complained so calmly)
- Knee-high panty hose (They wear them in da hood… like their pants)
- Large mini-van ( Which differs from a small maxi-van)
- Light heavyweight (He keeps losing weight and then he finds it)
- Limited lifetime guarantee (Don’t we all have limited lifetimes? No one lives forever.)
- Living doll (Isn’t that called a baby?)
- Loud whisper (Laryngitis)
- Maxi-Thins (Or Mini-Fats – your choice)
- Melted ice (Don’t they still call that water?)
- Mental masturbation (I won’t touch that one…. I don’t have to)
- Mobil station (On the road again…)
- Near miss (That’s what you call a crash)
- Never say never (Did I say that?… twice?)
- New & Improved (If it was new, how could it be improved?)
- No good do-gooder (???)
- Non-toxic bug spray (Gives your bugs a nice shine)
- Original reproduction (Which differs from an original duplication)
- Paper tablecloth (actually a paper tablepaper)
- Real imitation leather (Fake imitation leather would be real leather)
Friday, March 24, 2006
Where's my Black & Decker?
This should slow down Romeo.
It's a clever solution for not loosing your bra.
And in the same time a great spot to hang your coat.
But can you think of more strange uses for screws?
Try out for Jeopardy online next week
What is the online contestant test, Alex? The answer is: the innovative method "Jeopardy" has devised for potential participants to take the first step toward appearing on the long-running game show.
Fans will be able to take the 50-question preliminary general knowledge exam online from March 28 to 30. Each day is designated for a specific time zone and will get different questions from the other two.
"Jeopardy" executive producer Harry Friedman said the contestant coordinators evaluate more than 25,000 hopefuls every year. About 400 of those get to sign their name on the podium's screen as actual contestants.
Knock knock
Alligator Knocks on Florida Woman's Door
BONITA SPRINGS, Fla. (March 23) - So now the alligators are going door to door. When Lori Pachelli heard someone knocking at the door of her home in a gated community in this southwest Florida community earlier this week, she looked out to see an unwelcome visitor on her front stoop: an 8-foot alligator.Ahh, the land of Lickin'...er Lincoln
Road-construction callers get sex line
SPRINGFIELD, Ill. - Callers to a state road-construction information line Thursday might have been surprised to hear, "We love nasty talk as much as you do."
The Illinois Department of Transportation intended newly installed signs along the Dan Ryan Expressway, which will undergo major reconstruction starting later this month, to instruct motorists to call a toll-free number for information on alternate routes.
Instead, the initial number posted directed callers wanting "exciting live talk" to another toll-free number, which begins, "Hey there, sexy guy. Welcome to an exciting new way to go live, one on one, with hot, horny girls waiting right now to talk to you."
Three of six informational signs were planted Thursday along the 11-mile stretch of roadway that will be rebuilt during the next two years, IDOT spokesman Matt Vanover said. An IDOT worker commuting to work Thursday morning recognized the incorrect number and alerted officials, he said.
"We apologize to anyone who may have called that number and did not get the information that they were looking for," Vanover said.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Marshmallow shooter
Think marshmallows are just for campfire s’mores, rice-krispy treats or gooey fluffer-nutter sandwiches? Well, think again. The Marshmallow Fun Company, maker of the award-winning Marshmallow Shooter, now offers a whole line of edible entertainment that takes this gooey treat to a whole new level of comical confection. Introducing the Marshmallow Blaster and Marshmallow Blower, giving you two new excuses to have your fun, and eat it, too!
Designed with safe fun in mind and intended for ages 12 and up, the new Marshmallow Blaster is engineered to propel large marshmallows up to 40 feet. . . packing the extra punch you just can’t get with mini marshmallows. Simply pump the crescent-shaped shoulder 10-15 times, aim in a safe direction and squeeze the trigger for gobs of fluff-filled fun! The Blaster also takes mini marshmallows for shotgun action fun. Or, if a simpler sort of fun is your cup of hot cocoa, the Marshmallow Blower allows for stealth attacks ideal for sneaking up on unsuspecting targets. Simply load with mini marshmallows and blow!
Prices from $7.95 – $29.95
The Top 15 Christian Coalition-Approved Nicknames for Breasts
From TopFive.com
15> Democrat Catchers
and Top5's Number 1 Christian Coalition-Approved
Nickname for Breasts...
Picking a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed. &! nbsp;
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Thanks Gary J
Jesus vs Elvis
Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)
Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybil Shepherd.
Jesus is part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.
Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast.)
Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)
Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)
"Jesus countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.
Jesus lived in a state of grace in a near eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an immaculate conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.
Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.
Jesus was the Lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.
Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.
Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate.
Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.
Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
Thanks JoeP
Tarzan and Jane
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for squirrels.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
First game in just 13 days
The first game at the new Busch Stadium in st. Louis is just thirteen days from today (April 4th). It’s an exhibition game between the Memphis Redbirds and the Springfield Cardinals. The St. Louis Cardinals home opener is April 10th. 
Thanks Little Fred
Positive thinking
One day, there was a blind man sitting on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet and a sign that read: "I am blind, please help."
A creative publicist was walking by and stopped to observe. He saw that the blind man had only a few coins in his hat. He dropped in more coins and, without asking for permission, took the sign and rewrote it.
He returned the sign to the blind man and left. That afternoon the publicist returned to the blind man and noticed that his hat was full of bills and coins.
The blind man recognized his footsteps and asked if it was he who had rewritten his sign and wanted to know what he had written on it.
The publicist responded: "Nothing that was not true. I just wrote the message a little differently." He smiled and went on his way.
The new sign read: "Today is Spring and I cannot see it."
via
Mississippi outlaws sex toys
But you can still buy a handgun at a gun show.
From MSNBC’s Dan Abrams:
There is a landmark legal battle of constitutional proportions being fought down in Mississippi. It involves fundamental rights protected by the First and Fourteenth Amendments, not to mention the rights of certain small business owners to satisfy their customers. This week, another court refused to recognize Mississippians’ right to find companionship for 29.99 and so a law outlawing the sale of sex toys will stand.
“A person commits the offense of distributing unlawful sexual devices when he knowingly sells, advertises, publishes or exhibits to any person any three-dimensional device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs or offers to do so or possesses such devices with the intent to do so.”
Well, I am glad to see that the local legislators are focusing on the most pressing issues of the day. I’ve long believed that a three-dimensional, possibly battery-operated device is far more menacing than a handgun. In Mississippi, people can buy guns at a gun show with no background check and certain weapons can be carried almost anywhere. Sure, guns and toys can bring joy and a sense of comfort to the user, but apparently the legislators concluded that a genital replica is a far greater threat to society.
I guess this would be outlawed too.
Attention Truckers.... and drinkers
The Pit Stop Urinal System. It holds one and a quarter gallons too… for after those big beer blasts.
Would be good at:
- The movies
- Sporting events
- Concerts
- The corner bar
Hear all about it in this press release.
Don’t leave home without it.
Pre-pixelated clothing for reality TV shows
Why didn’t I think of this:
I don’t watch much Reality TV, but I’ve seen enough of it to notice an on-going phenomenon: Someone wears a garment with a trademarked logo or artwork on it, and the producers have to pixelate it beyond recognition in post-production. Of course no Reality TV star wants their shirt, which displays their well-chosen article of self-expression, senselessly pixelated so nobody can see it. But no Reality TV producer wants to deal with the headache of removing said article of self-expression to avoid trademark violations. The pixelation process seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for something that could have been avoided with a little pre-planning.
100,000 hits
This blog reached it’s one hundred thousandth hit sometime overnight. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Here are some of the websites that link to posts I’ve put up. Some also list Bits & Pieces as one of their favorite sources.
- Across the Board (Kansas city MO)
- J-Walk Blog (One of the best) (Arizona)
- Cynical C-Blog (Near Boston Massachusetts)
- Grow a Brain (New Zealand)
- Look at This (Newcastle UK)
- Chuck’s Page of Funstuff (Chuck says “Funny Stuff”)
- Wugsy (Krefeld, NW {Deutschland})
- 4allfun
- Outhouse Rag
- Telebush (calls Bits & Pieces “A Bitchin Blog”)
- Drommels (in German I think)
- zBlog
- Fawn Jotters (no longer posting)
- maxjerome.net
- Andy’s Links
- Nag On The Lake
- pic freak
- Xanth.is (Edinburgh Scotland)
- Attu Sees All
- Big Fun.be
- Innings (Israel)
- The Life and Times of the Rambling Muse (Bay Area California)
- Digg.com ( source of over 10,000 hits in 48 hours)
- My Digital life & Russels Ramblings (Atlanta Georgia)
- New Links
- A Welsh View (Wales)
- The Goose (United Kingdom)
Thanks to all who have linked to my posts and to those I’ve stolen material from. I’m sorry if I’ve forgotten someone.
If you know of any good links that I might enjoy and share with others just leave me a comment here.
We’re on our way to 200,000 now! Thanks again.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Four Presidents and the Wizard of Oz
Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado and off they whirled to OZ.
They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
"What brings you before the great wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Who is next?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.........I.......I think I need a heart."
"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
"I've heard - it's true!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What do you want?"
Thanks Gary J
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