I saw these pictures before, but I didn’t get it until I saw it again on Miss Celania.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Young pilot
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, “Guess who?”
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, “Guess where!”
You Say “Taumata”...
…I Say “Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu”…. Sure I do!
That is a mouthfull!
24 inches
A Florida couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African black bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening, as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half waythere," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches already?"
"No, but it's turned black.
Thanks Rich
Friday, November 02, 2007
Got a small logo?
Then you need….
Make my Logo Bigger cream
Who knew it could be this easy?
Speaking of logos…..
I’ve been super busy and haven’t had much time to evaluate the B&P logo submitted. There are about ten as of now I think. I’ll be working on that soon. Thanks for your interest and help.
What would happen...
On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them. 
"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.
"It would go out," he replied very matter of factly.
"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"
"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."
Things you didn't want to know....
- D uring an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine. (That's about 2.5 ounces)
- In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)
- An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
- In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
- Annually you will shake hands with 2 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
- Annually you will shake hands with 26 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
- In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
- At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
- Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.
HAVE A GREAT DAY... ...and wash your damn hands!
Thanks Joe P
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Here are my results:
Police call
This elderly spinster called the police. "My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my," she continued, "he's just standing there, big as you please, taking a shower with his window shades up!"
The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit in the act. She led the cop into her bedroom and pointed out her window. "See what I mean, officer."
The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can only see the top of his head above his window sill."
The lady replied, "Crazy fool, you got to get on up on that dresser over there."
Conservation
Who says we're not conservation conscious? A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind Of Makes You Proud!
Thanks Gene
The big bad wolf....
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"
Thanks Gene
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Happy Halloween
Mac-O-Lanterns
9 last minute Halloween costumes you can make from junk
10 things that sound dirty on Halloween
1. So...What'd you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling....
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!
9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn't get my mouth around it!
Cut out your own Halloween masks from Forbes
Corny Pumpkin
Flasher
Senator Larry Craig mugshot mask
From all the usual suspects
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Who were you in your last life?
Just type in your birtdate… and wallah! I’m sure it’s all scientifically true….. 
My results:
Who were you in your last life?
Ghost story
A professor at the University of West Virginia is giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost.
About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good.
I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost. 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Billy Bob, way in the back raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, "Well, so tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
To which Billy Bob replied, "Shiiiiiit!!!. From way back thar I thought you said "Goats"!!
Unbelievable play
Trinity Football 15 Laterals Miracle Play
The Miracle in Mississippi, unbelievable last play of SCAC title game between Trinity University and Millsaps College in Jackson, Mississippi. Play began with 0:02 remaining in the game, Trinity players used a total of 15 laterals to take the ball 61 yards for the game-winning TD.
http://view.break.com/389923 - Watch more free videos
Monday, October 29, 2007
Rocky
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as 'Rocky' in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.
"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep a few minutes ago?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."
Stuff people actually put on their resumes
These are really funny…..
- Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
- It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
- I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
- Please disregard the attached resume-it is terribly out of date.
- Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
- Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
- Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
- I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
- I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
- Vocational plans: Sea World.
- Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.
- Hire me and you won’t regret it - I am funny, cute, smart and creative… really.
- Referees available upon request.
- Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.
- Personal achievements: Successfully played “Chop Sticks” on a toy piano with my big toes.
- Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.
- Special skills: Thyping.
Police EXHAUSTed ensuring your safety
Hampshire police in the UK thought it would be a good idea to advertise on the rear of a bus. Their planning did not take into account the position of the exhaust pipe.
Thanks Phil
Sex with a real cowboy...
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker), confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State.
1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared .
"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!"
"And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full grown
bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"
They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"
"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
Thanks Joe P
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Top 10 signs you're too old to go Trick-Or-Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
WANTED: New logo for Bits & Pieces
I’ve been thinking about creating a new logo for Bits & Pieces, but just haven’t really had the time to work on it. So, if there are any budding artists out there that would like to create a logo for this website, I’d be forever grateful…. well, grateful for a little while anyway (forever is a long, long time).
What I’m looking for is a .jpeg file with one or two colors… not too complicated. I’d like to have a few T-shirts made up with the logo on them. So the design would have to be able to be screenprinted (hence the not too complicated part). That means no gradients, blending of colors, etc.
It should include:
Title: Bits & Pieces
Tag line: We scour the web so you don’t have to.
Size: 3–6 inches long and not too tall (just not too large)
Colors: One, two or maybe even three…but no more.
Payment for a design that I would use, would be a free T-shirt (in the size of your choice) when they’re printed and mention here on Bits & Pieces. Yeah, I know… I’m a big spender.
So, don’t spend too much time on it because the benefits aren’t that great, but if you’re just looking for something to do then give it a shot.
I’m not even sure how I’d display it with Blogger, but I’ll get to that if and when the time comes.
Send all entries to 1bitsandpieces@gmail.com
All entries become the property of Bits & Pieces. If we don’t select your design, don’t feel bad. It’s not you… it’s just my pool lack of judgement. Your design is probably the best one anyway.
The President's Entourage
When the President of the Unites States travels… he takes along a few select people….
I wouldn’t guess how much this costs the taxpayer.
What kind of booger are you?
For Isabelle…. who commented on my post yesterday What kind of blogger are you?
Here was her comment:
maybe I should have had my coffee before reading this post because I first read "what kind of booger are you?" I thought for a second...no this is just wrong (laughing of course). Then my eyes focused properly...thanks for the laugh even though it was my morning eyes that weren't working right. lol
All it took was a question for Google “What kind of booger are you? “ and of course there it was.
I took the quiz, but to get the answer you have to submit your email address. I already get enough spam mail, so I declined.
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