Saturday, June 09, 2007
Anger management
A re-post from a long time ago, but a good one.
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
The Resourseful Nun
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas
to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the Nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'll go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."
Service
"At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." "The act of doing things for other people.
"Then I heard these terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
Community Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
And I became confused about the word "service."
This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows.
BAM! It all came into perspective.
Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
Airport security confiscates drink but not knife
A UK man on vacation managed to take a seven-inch knife on board a plane, moments after his 13-year-old daughter had a bottle of fizzy drink confiscated by security staff.
Nick White realized that he had the lock knife in his pocket as he reached the security gate at Birmingham Airport in the United Kingdom.
So he put it though the scanner with the rest of the contents of his pockets - and to his surprise, security staff failed to spot it.But his daughter, Shannon, was not so lucky because they confiscated a soft drink from her as part of increased security measures at the airport.
Mr White, 45, from Ladle End Lane, Walton-on-Trent, said: "I'm a joiner and use my knife for work. I just forgot it was in my pocket and when I realized, I didn't want to give it up."
"I couldn't believe it when my knife got through the scanner. Staff didn't even seem to be looking properly. It wasn't in a case and doesn't look like anything else. You can tell it's a knife".
Whic movie reviews should I believe?
These days, anyone can be a published film critic, but who should you listen to when you can find both negative and positive movie reviews for anything out there? Now, the answer is simple! Compare your personal movie reviews with the movie reviews of some of the most prolific movie critics.
All you do is rate 50 movies with your own four star rating and it will select which reviewer agrees with you most. Just skip the movies you haven’t seen. It doesn’t take long at all to do.
The result is that you'll know who your movie critic match is, and where to go for the movie reviews that will help you find the movies you'll love. Which critic's movie reviews do you agree with the most?
Here are my results:
- Rotten Tomatoes : 89%
- Peter Travers : 88%
- James Bernadelli : 87%
- Roger Ebert : 82%
Go to Hell
I had no idea that Hell was so vast. There is an Upper Hell and a Lower Hell. Hell even has a capital city – the City of Dis.
Apparently people that commit the same kinds of sins are lumped together in a certain ring… or area of Hell. Hell even has a cold place way down at the bottom in Cocytus. It is here that Satan is trapped in ice to his waist for eternity… or until the next power failure melts all the ice (which occurs here in the St. Louis area with more and more frequency lately). Not sure if Hell’s power utility has a back-up plan in case of such emergency.
Not being a religious sort, I learned a lot about Satan. He used to be an angel and now has three faces, six eyes, six wings, and three chins… just like Larry Flynt. He’s also very hairy, not unlike Robin Williams, I imagine. In each of his mouths, Satan is constantly chews on sinners.
I learned a lot while at Dante's Inferno – A Virtual Tour of Hell. Now I just need to figure out where I fit in.
What men mean
"I'M GOING FISHING" = "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
IT'S A GUY THING" = "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" = "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." = mEANS Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" = "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." = "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". = "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." = "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." = "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". = "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." = "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING". = "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT." = "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" = "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU." = "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." = "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." = "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." = "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." = "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
Thanks Joe P
Of course we couldn’t let that go by without also a list of …
What women mean
Friday, June 08, 2007
Kerning is important
FYI: Kerning is the adjustment of space between pairs of letters to make them more visually appealing. It is normally applied to individual letter pairs in headlines or other large type.
KKK
The Alabama preacher said to his Congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression. "
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.
Inquiring minds want to know....
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
LED Art Fan
This is really cool !!!! No pun intended! It’s a fan which can load up animated GIF files from your computer and display them in full color on the blades.
With 42 LEDs mounted on the blades, you can animate, spin, slide, flash and dissolve to your heart's delight. All the while, enjoying the cool breeze from a chromed-up art-deco desktop fan.
The LED Art Fan hooks up to your computer via a serial connection, and lets you download up to 128 frames of art into its internal memory.
It’s only $398 at Think Geek
Shuttle Launch ride simulates launch at 17,500 mph
Imagine being in a dragster, peeling out from zero to 100 in three seconds, then keeping your foot to the floor for a full six minutes until you reach 17,500 mph.
On Friday, the Kennedy Space Center will open the Shuttle Launch Experience, an amusement-ride-cum-astronaut-flight-simulator designed to mimic the 17,500-mph liftoff of a NASA shuttle orbiter.
The 44,000-square-foot attraction isn't just a ride; it's a flight simulator on par with what astronauts in training experience, says Bob Rogers, CEO of BRC Imagination Arts, which built it.
"This isn't an imaginary flight," says Rogers. "This is real."
The $60 million project employs seat rumblers and shakers that rattle riders through the turbulent main engine start, the firing of the solid rocket boosters and then their separation.
Air bags in each seat sink and rise to capture the sensation of extreme acceleration. The shuttle's windshield, an 84-inch high-def screen, is enveloped in fire when the external tanks separate.
Inside the capsule, riders are subject to an onslaught of 13-channel sound, from the roar of the engines to the commander barking instructions. Low-frequency sound vibrates the riders' chests, evoking the feeling of being unable to breathe.
To get the sensations, sights and sounds absolutely accurate, creators spent three years interviewing more than two dozen shuttle astronauts, who weighed in on everything from the whitish-yellow debris that spatters across the shuttle's windshield when the rocket boosters separate to the creaking of the cabin and other ambient sounds astronauts hear during a launch.
According to Rogers, some astronauts who have experienced the exhibit have reported it to be more realistic than some of NASA's and the military's own training simulators.
It is the first in a series of new exhibits opening at the Kennedy Space Center Visitor Complex during the next decade.
"We take the technology and pizazz of theme parks, Broadway and Hollywood and put those things in the framework of education," says Rogers.
Wild wheelchair ride
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. --A 21-year-old man got the ride of a lifetime when his electric wheelchair became lodged in the grille of a semitrailer and was pushed down a highway for several miles at about 50 mph.
"I was probably thinking that this is going to keep going and not stop anywhere, 50 or 60 miles somewhere," he told WOOD-TV of Grand Rapids.
Here are some 911 calls about this….
Technical Difficulties
Yesterday, I had some technical difficulties. They are installing sewers along my street. A man operating a backhoe, a tad (or two tads) larger than the one pictured here, just severed my phone line in one fell swoop. The fine folks at SBC… or AT&T… or whatever they’re calling themselves today, came out and made the repair this morning. So I should be back to normal.
I apologize for any inconvenience just in case anyone noticed that there were no posts yesterday.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Larry King Live
After serving eight years in jail, assisted suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian was on "Larry King Live."
When Kevorkian saw Larry King he said, "I swear, he was like that when I got here."
Larry King Larry King Imposter
Space Shuttle Shadow
In early 2001 during a launch of Atlantis, the Sun, Earth, Moon, and rocket were all properly aligned for this photogenic coincidence. First, for the space shuttle's plume to cast a long shadow, the time of day must be either near sunrise or sunset. Next, just at sunset, the shadow is the longest and extends all the way to the horizon. Finally, during a Full Moon, the Sun and Moon are on opposite sides of the sky. Just after sunset, for example, the Sun is slightly below the horizon, and, in the other direction, the Moon is slightly above the horizon. Therefore, as Atlantis blasted off, just after sunset, its shadow projected away from the Sun toward the opposite horizon, where the Full Moon just happened to be.
Too many fish in the sea....
… and they’re dead. Actually they’re in a river. But, they died from pollution. 275,000 fish dies in three days due to water pollution in the Citarum River in Indonesia.
Putting the F in FCC
From HarrisOnline.com:
The FCC issued two disturbing proclamations this week that should bother anyone who believes in freedom of speech and freedom of the press.
FCC chairman Kevin Martin issued a press release (http://tinyurl.
com/2qaoe6 ) condemning the decision by the Second Circuit Court of Appeals overturning the comission's rulings over fleeting use of profanity.In that release, the commish uses the f-bomb and s-word over half a dozen times -- more than I ever have on this site, or anywhere else in print. Funny that he finds those words so indecent when broadcast on the public airwaves that the government must step in, but not so indecent that they should be left out of an official government document (isn't that public paper, Kevin?). Oh, I guess children don't read FCC press releases, so he can use whatever language he wants.
And a follow-up here with an interview FCC Commissioner Michael Copps.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
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