Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
What the teacher says… and what she really means
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.(He's a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).
Redhead goes to the doctor....
A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible", says the doctor.
"Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "
No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."
"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
It's a zorse - of course
Dad was a zebra stallion, mum was a horse . . . so their odd-looking offspring is known as a zorse. The animal, called Eclyse, can be seen at a safari park in Schloss Holte-Stukenbrock, Germany. Trust us, it’s not an April Foal. Here’s some video on the zorse.
Something’s not quite white about this animal. It has two bizarre patches of stripes on its head and flank thanks to a strange parentage.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
6 inches is a lot
It was just six inches.
That was what made the difference at 4:40 a.m. yesterday as Gilberto Cantu, a truck driver from Texas, approached the New Jersey entrance of the Lincoln Tunnel in his big rig, loaded with bathtubs, toilets and plumbing fixtures. The truck was 13 feet 6 inches high. The tunnel has a height limit of 13 feet. Six inches can make a big difference.
Makes sense
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face."
face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
Four cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop .
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break.....do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet ... ate the cookies ... drank the milk ... sh* t on the paper ... screwed the other three cats ... claimed he injured his back while doing so ... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions ... put in for Workers Compensation ... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!
Mel Brooks turns 81 today
Today, June 28th is award winning director, writer, comedian, actor and producer Mel Brooks’ birthday. His movie Blazing Saddles is still the one I call my favorite movie of all time.
As writer/director
- The Producers (1968) (Academy Award, best original screenplay)
- The Twelve Chairs (1970) (also actor)
- Blazing Saddles (1974) (also actor)
- Young Frankenstein (1974)
- Silent Movie (1976) (also actor)
- High Anxiety (1977) (also actor)
- History of the World, Part I (1981) (also actor/producer)
- Spaceballs (1987) (also actor/producer)
- Life Stinks (1991) (also actor/producer)
- Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993) (also actor/producer)
- Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995) (also actor/producer)
Theater
- Leonard Sillman's New Faces of 1952 (1952) (sketches for a revue)
- Shinbone Alley (1957) (co-book-writer)
- All-American (1962) (book-writer)
- The Producers (2001) (composer, lyricist, co-book-writer, producer; Tony Award for Best Musical, Tony Award for Best Book of a Musical,Tony Award for Best Original Score)
- Young Frankenstein (2007) (composer, lyricist, co-book-writer, producer)
- The Producers (1968) (Academy Award, best original screenplay)
- The Twelve Chairs (1970) (also actor)
- Blazing Saddles (1974) (also actor)
- Young Frankenstein (1974)
- Silent Movie (1976) (also actor)
- High Anxiety (1977) (also actor)
- History of the World, Part I (1981) (also actor/producer)
- Spaceballs (1987) (also actor/producer)
- Life Stinks (1991) (also actor/producer)
- Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993) (also actor/producer)
- Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995) (also actor/producer)
Other works
- Your Show of Shows (TV) (1950-1954) (writer)
- The Critic (short film) (1963) (created and narrated)
- Get Smart (TV) (1965-1970) (co-creator, writer)
- The Electric Company (TV) (1971-1977) (voice of recurring little cartoon man who asks: "Who's the dummy writing this show?!")
- The Elephant Man (1980) (uncredited executive producer)
- To Be or Not to Be (1983) (actor, producer)
- The Fly (1986) (uncredited producer)
- The Fly II (1989) (uncredited producer)
- The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius: Season 2 (voice of Santa Claus)
- Jakers! The Adventures of Piggley Winks (2003-present) (voice of Wiley the Sheep)
- Curb Your Enthusiasm: Season 4 (actor)
- Robots (2005) (voice of Bigweld)
- The Producers (2005) (writer, producer)
- Spaceballs: The TV Series (2007) (writer, producer, voice)
Catfish gets basketball stuck in its mouth
A nature lover north of Sydney, Australia has saved a catfish stuck at the surface of a lake after swallowing a basketball.
The man saw a basketball bobbing on the surface of Lake Macquarie and went to investigate.
Much to his surprise, he discovered a flathead catfish that had bitten off more than it could chew by trying to swallow a basketball.
The fish was completely exhausted from trying to dive with its flotsome fare, which popped it back to the surface each time it tried to dive.
The concerned rescuer tried unsuccessfully to free the hapless fish from its unfortunate predicament.
Finally, he and his wife improvised a solution by slashing, and thereby deflating, the basketball.
Am I Dumb?
Common sense is hard to come by these days. We've created a short list of questions to test your common sense when dealing with average everyday situations. Take the test and we'll tell you how you compare to the rest of the world. Looking up the answers is kind of cheating...
I took the test and got 20 out of 25 correct.
My results:
Inflation - Most things are going up in price...
From patriotboy.blogspot.com:
Of all the items listed below, the price of only one item has gone way down since Bush took office. Everything else has become much more expensive.
Dozen eggs
Gallon of Gasoline
Health Care
Gallon of Milk
Ear of corn
8-ball of cocaine
College Tuition
Loaf of bread
That one thing is cocaine. Now I'm not really an economics expert, but I do make sure to watch both Fox News and Lou Dobbs in order to get both sides, so I think I know what I'm talking about. The lower price must be because all the money being spent to destroy these drugs in Colombia is making Americans feel guilty about continuing to buy it - and the demand is dropping. And since President Bush makes everyone cherish life so much, the demand for things we need to live is going up. As a result, the terrorists are getting much less money for their drugs than they were just 5 years ago while good people are getting wealthier.
Airline complaint – Live from seat 29EGoogle Maps - New - Drag the blue line to change your route
Now when you’re planning a trip you can easily plan in a detour. Google Maps has a new feature. Just click on Get Directions and set your to and from locations and Google will map out the quickest route. The example below shows St. Louis to Branson MO – 3 hours 56 minutes. I just click and drug (dragged) the blue line down to Poplar Bluff MO. Bingo! It’s rerouted the trip. 6 hours and 40 minutes now.
I'm rich... I'm rich
LeapFish just appraised my website name (bitsandpieces1.blogspot.com) at $1,271.00
I got an appraised value score of 41 (Whatever that means.)
Here’s their jargon:
What is your domain name worth? Domain Name Rags to Riches
You may have heard �rags to riches� type stories of cheap domain names resold for hundreds of thousands of dollars. During the good old days of the Internet boom this was possible. However, things have slowed down considerably since then and there it is very rare to hear of a domain name sold for more than $10,000.
Today�s Market
While big deal domain sales occur less often in today�s domain market, selling domain names can still be very profitable. Short, catchy, .com domain names are selling for upwards of $5,000 on the domain aftermarket. Other longer, but still usable, .com�s can be worth hundreds of dollars.
Anybody want to buy my name?
Speaking of being rich… I got my first Adsense check today. $160.18. Thanks to those who clicked those ads!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
10 ways to avoid speeding tickets
- · Drive within 5-10 mph of surrounding traffic
- · Try to stay in the middle of the pack
- · Find a "rabbit"
- · Do not change lanes frequently, tailgate or otherwise drive aggressively
- · Avoid the fast lane
- · Watch for cutouts and modulate your speed accordingly
- · Don't speed when you are the only car on the road
- · If it's OK legally, get a radar detector
- · If possible, drive a nondescript vehicle
- · Be aware that appearances count
All the deatials about these 10 tips
World's steepest runway
Courchevel Airport, Courchevel, France
Lots more on airports, runways and air traffic controllers here
Psychological card trick
A card trick created by Richard Wiseman. The first time you watch this you probably wonder how it is done. Watch it a second time and I'm sure you'll figure it out.
(I had to watch it twice to confirm what I had suspected. Still well done.)
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Somewhere over the rainbow
I took these pics this evening from my deck overlooking the Mississippi River. It was a complete rainbow. I just couldn’t get back far enough to get it all in one shot. So here we have the left leg and the right leg of the rainbow. It looks rather “Arch-ish” in this view which is quite suitable being this is just down river from the Gateway Arch.
Gas prices
My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary, so I took her down the street to the Sunoco station.
I have my car towed to work because it’s cheaper than buying gas.
All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.
I saw a guy on the street corner, holding up a hat and a sign that said, “Wife and 2 Cars to Feed.”
For our vacation this summer, we’re thinking it will be cheaper to just mail the car.
Two blondes...
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
List of really short books
Different Ways to Spell Bob- The Wild Years by Al Gore
- America's Most Popular Lawyers
- The Amish Phone Directory
- Easy UNIX
- The Catholic Guide to Great Sex
- Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
- To All The Men I've Loved Before, by Ellen DeGeneres
- Spotted Owl Recipes, by the EPA
- How To Sustain A Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel
- Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
- Everything Men Know About Women
- Everything Women Know About Men
- Staple Your Way To Success
- Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
- The Difference Between Reality and Dilbert
Emphasis on the word little.According to the nation's mayors, St. Louis water is the best
Time to raise a glass to St. Louis water — it's been named the best in the land. Mayors from around the country declared Monday that St. Louis water rises to the top. The water was judged on taste, clarity and aroma.
St. Louis bested four other finalists, chosen from an original field of more than 90 cities.
David Visintainer, the city's water commissioner, is soaking it up. “That's a pretty great honor," he said.
A limestone derivative is added to "soften" the water, Visintainer said, and a carbon process is used to wipe out pollutants. St. Louis water is odor neutral, he said, without the brownish tint that keeps water filter salesmen afloat in other big cities.
"Our water is especially clear," Visintainer said.
The honor shouldn't be a surprise. Generations of beer barons have used St. Louis water to better their brew. The award — bestowed by the U.S. Conference of Mayors — comes with a $15,000 prize and the title "Best Tasting City Water in America."
Visintainer isn't sure how the city Water Department will celebrate, but, he said, if there is a party, don't expect bottled water.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Logic
This one has been around forever, at least since I was a kid. The internet just makes it easier to spread around. … (And it still baffles me.)
Three men go into a motel. The desk clerk said the room was $30, so each man paid $10 and went to the room. A while later, the desk clerk realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellboy to the three guys' room with $5. On the way, the bellboy couldn't figure out how to split $5 evenly between three men, so he gave each man $1 and kept the other $2 for himself.
This meant that the 3 men each paid $9 for the room, which is a total of $27. Add to that the $2 the bellboy kept and the total is $29. Where is the other dollar?
Snopes.com has the answer. After re-reading the answer several times I think it’s starting to sink in….I think.
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