Saturday, July 29, 2006
A man was out walking his dog. It was a huge brindle colored Great Dane. The man got thirsty and decided to stop at his favorite watering hole for an ice cold refreshing beverage. So he tied up his dog and went inside.
While the man was sitting at the bar sipping a cold one, another man came running into the bar, obviously excited. The second man asked, "Whose Great Dane is that outside?"
The first man said, "He's mine."
The second guy, terribly distraught, said, "I think my chihuahua just killed your dog."
The first man thinking there had been a mistake, said, "My dog is a huge Great Dane. How could your little chihuahua kill my dog?"
The second man said, "It got stuck in his throat."
Posted 11:23 PM
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
"...or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted.
"...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea ... "
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Posted 6:15 PM
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed"?
Posted 6:10 PM
Friday, July 28, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool Now!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba
Ax Me About Ebonics.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
WANTED: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
Your Proctologist Called.... He Found Your head.
Posted 8:33 PM
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: " NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. "
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
Posted 8:43 PM
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"
“Now what the hell would you say?"
Posted 8:28 PM
- The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
- The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
- Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
- The cows are giving evaporated milk.
- The trees are whistling for the dogs.
- You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
- You can say 113 degrees (45°C) without fainting.
- You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
- Or go to McDonalds to get coffee and pour it on your lap -- just to cool off!
- You can make instant sun tea.
- You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
- The temperature drops below 95 (35°C), you feel a bit chilly.
- You have experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
- You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
- You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
- The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
- You discover that in July, it takes only two fingers to drive your car.
- You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
- You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
- Hot water now comes out of both taps.
- It is noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
- You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
- You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
- No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
- Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
- You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.
- They don't bother making themometers that go below 70 degrees.
Posted 8:20 PM
It seems to rain here every afternoon and/or evening. This is a view of a fishing pier on the Peace River from the Port Charlotte Florida side. On the other side of the river is Punta Gorda Florida. I was trying to catch some lightning in the picture but wasn’t able to. We got a pretty good rain yesterday…and it’s thundering now. The days have been sunny and warm. Not as much humidity as back in St. Louis. My aunt lives in a mobile home park on the Peace River.
It was two years ago the 13th of next month (August) that hurricane Charley struck this area. I can still see buildings that were heavily damaged by Charley. I’m assuming that the owners didn’t have insurance as the reason they haven’t be rebuilt or torn down.
Posted 8:10 PM
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
747 clears beach of suntaners
A Boeing 747 reving up for take off blows people off a nearby beach.
Posted 7:06 PM
Today is my forty-eighteenth birthday.
This is a “professionally made” birthday cake I received a couple of years ago…. OK, a FEW years ago now.
It was ordered from Dairy Queen, and when my daughter went to pick it up for the party, she cried. When I saw it I just laughed. I thought she had tried to make it as bad as she could.
It was so bad that it was good.
Posted 5:34 AM