How DO they get the deer to cross at those signs?
Saturday, April 07, 2007
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
VINCE FOSTER VIRUS: The Clintons’ aides show up an hour after your “suicide” and take your files. Takes at least six months to get what’s left of them back.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by
LAN, twice if by C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it
requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5
percent margin of error.)
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints “Oh no you don’t” whenever you choose “Abort” from the “Abort” “Retry” “Fail” message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the
other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.
ROSE LAW FIRM VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data wont appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Posted 2:21 PM
TOP 20 silly job titles 1. Vision Clearance Engineer — window cleaner 2. Education Centre Nourishment Production Assistant — dinner lady 3. Waste Removal Engineer — garbage man 4. Domestic Engineer — housewife 5. Knowledge Navigator — teacher 6. Flueologist — chimney sweep 7. Stock Replenishment Adviser — supermarket shelf stacker 8. Head of Verbal Communications — receptionist/secretary 9. Petroleum Transfer Engineer — petrol station worker 10. Foot Health Gain Facilitator — chiropodist 11. Coin Facilitation Engineer — toll booth collector 12. Cash Relation Officer — banker 13. Environment Improvement Technician — cleaner 14. Revenue Protection Officer — transport ticket inspector 15. Technical Horticultural Maintenance Officer — gardener 16. Wastewater Treatment Officer — sewage worker 17. Crockery Cleansing Operative — dishwasher 18. Space Consultant — estate agent 19. Media Distribution Officer — paperboy 20. Dispatch Services Facilitator — postroom worker
TOP 20 silly job titles
1. Vision Clearance Engineer — window cleaner
2. Education Centre Nourishment Production Assistant — dinner lady
3. Waste Removal Engineer — garbage man
4. Domestic Engineer — housewife
5. Knowledge Navigator — teacher
6. Flueologist — chimney sweep
7. Stock Replenishment Adviser — supermarket shelf stacker
8. Head of Verbal Communications — receptionist/secretary
9. Petroleum Transfer Engineer — petrol station worker
10. Foot Health Gain Facilitator — chiropodist
11. Coin Facilitation Engineer — toll booth collector
12. Cash Relation Officer — banker
13. Environment Improvement Technician — cleaner
14. Revenue Protection Officer — transport ticket inspector
15. Technical Horticultural Maintenance Officer — gardener
16. Wastewater Treatment Officer — sewage worker
17. Crockery Cleansing Operative — dishwasher
18. Space Consultant — estate agent
19. Media Distribution Officer — paperboy
20. Dispatch Services Facilitator — postroom worker
Posted 1:29 PM
For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.
Thanks Tommy Salami
Posted 9:10 AM
Friday, April 06, 2007
I’m making a few changes to Bits and Pieces.
I’ve added an email link on my profile where you can contact me. I might not check it every day, but will try to on a fairly regular basis.
I haven’t been getting any comments since Tuesday (They’re e-mailed to me automatically.. or at least they were.) I republished the blog hoping that solves the problem. Also the next item might solve the problem if the republish didn’t.
Update: Still not getting notice of comments by email.
Update Part II: Comments are now working. Somehow they were blocked, but now they’re fixed.
I’m probably going to upgrade to the latest version of Blogger. So if for some reason you don’t see anything from me for a while, it means something went wrong in the upgrade process. (I’ve heard of some people having trouble with upgrading.) Rest assured I’ll be working on it.
Update: Looks like I’m not allowed to upgrade yet. You have to be “invited” to upgrade.
I may redo the look of the blog. I’m getting tired of the way it looks.
Y’all, have a good weekend and a great Easter!
Posted 7:19 PM
Meet “Gibson”, billed as the world’s tallest dog.
When he stands on his hind legs, the 170-pound "Harlequin" Great Dane is more than 7 feet tall, and has a shoulder height of 42.6 inches (topping Harvey's old record of 41.5 inches).
Thankfully for everyone, Gibson is just a big, friendly puppy dog. Gibson holds several world records, including the world's tallest dog, tallest therapy dog and tallest Great Dane.
Posted 6:46 PM
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours.
It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"
The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."
Posted 6:17 PM
The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN Of YOUR HOUSE'
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me,
and we will have the sex that I want.
After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The freaking funeral director would be my guess."
Posted 4:46 PM
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES... Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while. Better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
Posted 4:43 PM
Thursday, April 05, 2007
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too closely and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
Posted 8:51 PM
William was in trouble. He forgot Valentine's Day. His wife, Renee, was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds... AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"
The next morning William got up early and left for work. When his wife, Renee, woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-box for her wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, Renee put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
William has been missing since Friday.
Thanks Joe P
Posted 10:42 AM
From the list of 37 Stupid Celebrity Quotes:
“I look at [modeling] as something I’m doing for black people in general.” — model Naomi Campbell
“If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, it’s Big Business.” — Donald Trump
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost an important part of your life.” — Brooke Shields
“I was asked to come to Chicago because Chicago is one of our fifty-two states.” — Racquel Welch
“I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.” — Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?” — George W. Bush
Posted 10:10 AM
Camels? Well, yes and no. Look closely.
This picture was taken from directly above the camels in the desert at sunset. The lighter shapes are the actual camels and the black images are the shadows. This is just a part of the whole picture. Here is the original picture.
Posted 9:50 AM
… and not necessarily in this order.
From PC World, here are the top 50 tech items of all time. From breakthrough hardware to time-honored software, we salute those amazing products that changed technology--and our lives--forever.
Here is the list and my personal experience with these products:
- Netscape Navigator (1994) … Yes, I used several early versions
- Apple II (1977) … Yes. I was an early user
- TiVo HDR110 (1999) … Yes (I think I had the earliest version – not positive)
- Napster (1999) … No
- Lotus 1-2-3 for DOS (1983) … Nope. I was a Mac addict. We had ‘Multiplan”
- Apple iPod (2001) . Not the early version. Just got my 80 GB iPod a few months ago
- Hayes Smartmodem (1981) .. Yes. Had to have it to get online at blazing speed of 1200 baud
- Motorola StarTAC (1996) … I had a sStartac, but I think it was a year or two later
- WordPerfect 5.1 (1989) … Nope
- Tetris (1985) … No
- Adobe Photoshop 3.0 (1994) … Yes, for my Mac
- IBM ThinkPad 700C (1992) … No
- Atari VCS/2600 (1977) … No
- Apple Macintosh Plus (1986) … YES, one of the originals
- RIM BlackBerry 857 (2000) . Nope, never had a blackberry
- 3dfx Voodoo3 (1999) . Not sure, but don’t think so
- Canon Digital Elph S100 (2000) . Not that model
- Palm Pilot 1000 (1996) … Not the 100, but I’ve had two others
- id Software Doom (1993) … No
- Microsoft Windows 95 (1995) … My first PC after a few Macs had Windows 95
- Apple iTunes 4 (2003) . I just got into iTunes (newer version)
- Nintendo Game Boy (1989) … Nope
- Iomega Zip Drive (1994) … Yes, I’ve had several over the years. Still in use today
- Spybot Search & Destroy (2000) … Yes, and still use it today (newer version of course)
- Compaq Deskpro 386 (1986) … No
- CompuServe (1982) .. I tried it way back when, didn’t care for it
- Blizzard World of Warcraft (2004) … No
- Aldus PageMaker (1985) … Yes (Mac)
- HP LaserJet 4L (1993) … No – I went from dot matrix to Inkjet in one fell swoop
- Apple Mac OS X (2001) … Yes
- Nintendo Entertainment System (1985) . No, but I had Pong, Intellivision and X-Box (rarely used)
- Eudora (1988) … No
- Sony Handycam DCR-VX1000 (1995) … No
- Apple Airport Base Station (1999) … No
- Brøderbund The Print Shop (1984) … Yes – Several versions
- McAfee VirusScan (1990) … Not sure if I had the 1990 version, but I have used it
- Commodore Amiga 1000 (1985) … No
- ChipSoft TurboTax (1985) … Yes – Every year since too
- Mirabilis ICQ (1996) … Yes
- Creative Labs Sound Blaster 16 (1992) … Not sure
- Apple HyperCard (1987) … Yes
- Epson MX-80 (1980) … Not sure
- Central Point Software PC Tools (1985) … Yes (for my Mac)
- Canon EOS Digital Rebel (2003) … No
- Red Hat Linux (1994) … No
- Adaptec Easy CD Creator (1996) . Yes
- PC-Talk (1982) … No
- Sony Mavica MVC-FD5 (1997) … No
- Microsoft Excel (1985) …Yes
- Northgate OmniKey Ultra (1987) … No
Posted 9:38 AM
No Nursing Home for Me
About 2 years ago, my wife and I were on a cruise through the
As we left the dining room one evening, I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, “I understand you’ve been on this ship for the last four cruises”. She replied, “Yes, that’s true.” I stated, “I don’t understand” and she replied, without a pause, “It’s cheaper than a nursing home”.
So, then and there I decided, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princes Cruise Ship.
The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day.
I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day.
That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities, which will only be $10/day.
2. I can have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week.
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every evening.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. Also, an extra $5 a day in tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 to 14 days.
7. TV broken? Light bulb needs changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No problem!! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don’t even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip, you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess, they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now, hold on for the best!! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia or anywhere else you want to go, no doubt, the Princess line will have a ship ready to go.
So don’t go looking for me in a nursing home, just call me shore to ship
P.S. Don’t forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.
Posted 8:17 AM