Saturday, November 17, 2007
An oldie…but a goodie…..
A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.
The bartender says “Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!” so the man picks up the monkey and leaves.
Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it.
The bartender says ” Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?”
The man says “Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size”.
Posted 2:42 PM
Imagine never again having to sit on a cold seat…… Now a warm reception awaits you.
After you finish your business you push a wash button. At first the water is… surprising...
but then you adjust the water pressure and temperature to your liking and...it all makes sense.
This is hands free cleaning.
For more info go to spaloo.com
Posted 1:50 PM
Here's a sobering thought: Hundreds of bottles of Jack Daniel's whiskey, some of it almost 100 years old, may be unceremoniously poured down a drain because authorities suspect it was being sold by someone without a license.
Officials seized 2,400 bottles late last month during warehouse raids in Nashville and Lynchburg, the southern Tennessee town where the whiskey is distilled.
"Punish the person, not the whiskey," said an outraged Kyle MacDonald, 28, a Jack Daniel's drinker from British Columbia who promotes the whiskey on his blog. "Jack never did anything wrong, and the whiskey itself is innocent."
Posted 1:16 PM
It's rare to find kosher ham. Rarer still to find it carbonated and bottled.
Jones Soda Co., the Seattle-based purveyor of offbeat fizzy water, said Friday that it was shelving its traditional seasonal flavors of turkey and gravy this year to produce limited-edition theme packs for Christmas and Hanukkah.
The Christmas pack will feature such flavors as Sugar Plum, Christmas Tree, Egg Nog and Christmas Ham. The Hanukkah pack will have Jelly Doughnut, Apple Sauce, Chocolate Coins and Latkes sodas.
"As always, both packs are kosher and contain zero caffeine," a Jones news release noted.
The packs will go on sale Sunday, with a portion of the proceeds to be given to charity, the company said.
Jones' products feature original label art and frequently odd flavors. Last year's seasonal pack was Thanksgiving-themed, with Green Pea, Sweet Potato, Dinner Roll, Turkey and Gravy, and Antacid sodas. For its contract to supply soda to Qwest Field, home of the Seattle Seahawks, Jones came up with Perspiration, Dirt, Sports Cream and Natural Field Turf. The company - fortunately or unfortunately - prides itself on the accuracy of the taste.
Jones also makes more sedate flavors, including root beer, cherry and strawberry sodas.
Posted 12:32 PM
Collecting sunshine sounds like something a Bond villain might do on his day off, but it's actually something the charming little Sun Jar does every day. That's because this traditional-looking frosted glass container houses a solar cell, battery and LED lights.
The idea is to leave the Sun Jar near a window or under some decent artificial light so that it can collect energy throughout the day. Then when darkness falls it provides a warm, ambient glow. Clever eh?
This ingenious marriage of modern technology and good old-fashioned styling has been created by hot avant-garde designer Tobi Wong, and we reckon it's a classic in the making. After all, up-to-the-minute styling is fine and dandy, but sometimes it's nice to stare at something that doesn't look like it's fallen off the back of the Starship Enterprise. Besides, messing around with jars and candles is a real rigmarole.
Ideal for tightwads who hate forking out on batteries/electricity bills, and (sun) spot-on for the ecologists amongst you, the Sun Jar has countless uses around the home. And because it lacks the dazzling gleam of an electric light, it's perfect as a gentle bedside lamp or a mood light at parties.
Posted 11:30 AM
Friday, November 16, 2007
An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he decides to crawl the 4 miles home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“What makes you say that?”
He asks as he puts on an innocent look. “The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
Posted 6:41 PM
PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. - A South Florida woman has sold a pancake she claims contains an image resembling Jesus and Mary.
Marilyn Smith of Port St. Lucie says the spiritual image appeared Sunday morning while she was making breakfast.
Her daughter, Dana Okane believes the pancake is a miracle and posted it on the Internet auction site eBay.
When bidding ended Tuesday, Smith had sold the pancake for $338.00.
Posted 6:18 PM
A man went to his pharmacist to get a double dose of Viagra. The pharmacist told him that he couldn't give him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the pharmacist.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the pharmacist.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday. My wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The pharmacist finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.
The pharmacist asked "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
Posted 6:07 PM
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf .
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
Posted 6:03 PM
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural south Mississippi on the opening day of deer season. They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.
The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone.
The other hunter exclaimed ‘Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I’ve ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone’s dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen through out the world!’
The first hunter nodded and said; ‘Well, we were married for 42 years.’
Posted 5:59 PM
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, 'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH
BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE
BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON
SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT BUTT,
GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BISCUIT EATER ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
Posted 4:28 PM
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect gift, post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings). However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone Calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important. I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact , they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.
Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever).The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Your Biggest Fan
P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items below that I think may be of some interest to you.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT T O SAY WHEN DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
2. British Constitution
3. Passive -Aggressive Disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE T O SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening , officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Posted 5:33 AM
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."
Posted 4:27 PM
John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's new voluptuous, young, wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you liked while you were under the table?' Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.' After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. After a fantastic time in bed, John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. 'Did John come by the house this afternoon?' With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband asked her 'Did he give you $500?' In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500'. Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Posted 4:17 PM
Cover your boo-boo with one of these rough and rugged Tattoo Bandages to trick people into thinking you're tough!
Each 3 3/4" tall metal tin contains three sizes of latex free, vinyl, adhesive bandages with sterile gauze and a free toy to take your mind off of the excruciating pain.
Posted 4:14 PM
This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'
And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the person say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.
Posted 5:33 AM
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said “I’ll bet I can make your horse talk.”
Indian: “Horse no talk.”
Ventriloquist: “Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?”
Horse: “Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun.”
Ventriloquist: “I’ll bet I can make you dog talk.”
Indian: “Dog no talk.”
Ventriloquist: “Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?”
Dog: “Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me.”
Ventriloquist: “I’ll bet I can make your sheep talk.”
Indian: “Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!”
Posted 4:21 PM