…Limited Engagement
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Size matters
An oldie…but a goodie…..
A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.
The bartender says “Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!” so the man picks up the monkey and leaves.
Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it.
The bartender says ” Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?”
The man says “Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size”.
No more (toilet) paperwork
Imagine never again having to sit on a cold seat…… Now a warm reception awaits you.
After you finish your business you push a wash button. At first the water is… surprising...
but then you adjust the water pressure and temperature to your liking and...it all makes sense.
This is hands free cleaning.
Only $399
For more info go to spaloo.com
Hundreds of bottles of Jack Daniels whiskey may be poured down the drain...
Here's a sobering thought: Hundreds of bottles of Jack Daniel's whiskey, some of it almost 100 years old, may be unceremoniously poured down a drain because authorities suspect it was being sold by someone without a license.
Officials seized 2,400 bottles late last month during warehouse raids in Nashville and Lynchburg, the southern Tennessee town where the whiskey is distilled.
"Punish the person, not the whiskey," said an outraged Kyle MacDonald, 28, a Jack Daniel's drinker from British Columbia who promotes the whiskey on his blog. "Jack never did anything wrong, and the whiskey itself is innocent."
Christmas Ham soda
It's rare to find kosher ham. Rarer still to find it carbonated and bottled.
Jones Soda Co., the Seattle-based purveyor of offbeat fizzy water, said Friday that it was shelving its traditional seasonal flavors of turkey and gravy this year to produce limited-edition theme packs for Christmas and Hanukkah.
The Christmas pack will feature such flavors as Sugar Plum, Christmas Tree, Egg Nog and Christmas Ham. The Hanukkah pack will have Jelly Doughnut, Apple Sauce, Chocolate Coins and Latkes sodas.
"As always, both packs are kosher and contain zero caffeine," a Jones news release noted.
The packs will go on sale Sunday, with a portion of the proceeds to be given to charity, the company said.
Jones' products feature original label art and frequently odd flavors. Last year's seasonal pack was Thanksgiving-themed, with Green Pea, Sweet Potato, Dinner Roll, Turkey and Gravy, and Antacid sodas. For its contract to supply soda to Qwest Field, home of the Seattle Seahawks, Jones came up with Perspiration, Dirt, Sports Cream and Natural Field Turf. The company - fortunately or unfortunately - prides itself on the accuracy of the taste.
Jones also makes more sedate flavors, including root beer, cherry and strawberry sodas.
Or…. you can create your own custom soda.
On the Net:
www.jonessoda.com
Stuck On You
This guy gets his head stuck between the legs of a dog. It looks like the dog is having a good time. So are the guys friends. Some language NSFW.
Sun Jar
Collecting sunshine sounds like something a Bond villain might do on his day off, but it's actually something the charming little Sun Jar does every day. That's because this traditional-looking frosted glass container houses a solar cell, battery and LED lights.
The idea is to leave the Sun Jar near a window or under some decent artificial light so that it can collect energy throughout the day. Then when darkness falls it provides a warm, ambient glow. Clever eh?
This ingenious marriage of modern technology and good old-fashioned styling has been created by hot avant-garde designer Tobi Wong, and we reckon it's a classic in the making. After all, up-to-the-minute styling is fine and dandy, but sometimes it's nice to stare at something that doesn't look like it's fallen off the back of the Starship Enterprise. Besides, messing around with jars and candles is a real rigmarole.
Ideal for tightwads who hate forking out on batteries/electricity bills, and (sun) spot-on for the ecologists amongst you, the Sun Jar has countless uses around the home. And because it lacks the dazzling gleam of an electric light, it's perfect as a gentle bedside lamp or a mood light at parties.
$29.95 here
Friday, November 16, 2007
Irish drunk
An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he decides to crawl the 4 miles home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“What makes you say that?”
He asks as he puts on an innocent look. “The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
Holy Flapjacks
PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. - A South Florida woman has sold a pancake she claims contains an image resembling Jesus and Mary.
Marilyn Smith of Port St. Lucie says the spiritual image appeared Sunday morning while she was making breakfast.
Her daughter, Dana Okane believes the pancake is a miracle and posted it on the Internet auction site eBay.
When bidding ended Tuesday, Smith had sold the pancake for $338.00.
Double dose
A man went to his pharmacist to get a double dose of Viagra. The pharmacist told him that he couldn't give him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the pharmacist.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the pharmacist.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday. My wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The pharmacist finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.
The pharmacist asked "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
Wal*Mart
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!
Why WALMART???
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
A sensitive guy...
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf .
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
Dennis Dixon for Heisman
I don’t even know who Dennis Dixon is…but the video is very funny.
Thanks Gene
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Mission Impossible
He’s gonna get whacked when he gets the cheese.
Reminds me of the old joke:
The early bird gets the worm…. but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Showin' some respect
Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural south Mississippi on the opening day of deer season. They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.
The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone.
The other hunter exclaimed ‘Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I’ve ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone’s dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen through out the world!’
The first hunter nodded and said; ‘Well, we were married for 42 years.’
Looking at others who are your age....
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, 'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH
BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE
BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON
SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK
HIGH SCHOOL.
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT BUTT,
GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BISCUIT EATER ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
Thanks Opie
Once upon a time....
One day, long, long ago,
there was this woman who surprisingly,
Did not whine,
nag
or bitch.
But this was a long time ago
And it was just ONE day.
Dear Alcohol...
Dear Alcohol...
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect gift, post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings). However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone Calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important. I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact , they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever).The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items below that I think may be of some interest to you.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT T O SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive -Aggressive Disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE T O SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening , officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Thanks Gene
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Who says you can't take it with you?
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."
Poke her.. .Errrr poker
John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's new voluptuous, young, wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you liked while you were under the table?' Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.' After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. After a fantastic time in bed, John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. 'Did John come by the house this afternoon?' With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband asked her 'Did he give you $500?' In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500'. Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Tattoo bandages
Cover your boo-boo with one of these rough and rugged Tattoo Bandages to trick people into thinking you're tough!
Each 3 3/4" tall metal tin contains three sizes of latex free, vinyl, adhesive bandages with sterile gauze and a free toy to take your mind off of the excruciating pain.
Only $3.99
A restroom conversation...
This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'
And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the person say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.
Thanks Gene
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The ventriloquist
A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said “I’ll bet I can make your horse talk.”
Indian: “Horse no talk.”
Ventriloquist: “Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?”
Horse: “Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun.”
Ventriloquist: “I’ll bet I can make you dog talk.”
Indian: “Dog no talk.”
Ventriloquist: “Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?”
Dog: “Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me.”
Ventriloquist: “I’ll bet I can make your sheep talk.”
Indian: “Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!”
New Frontier Hotel in Vegas is now history
The New Frontier casino-hotel was imploded early Tuesday morning after a booming fireworks display, putting an end to the second property to open on the Las Vegas Strip.
The 16-story hotel tower was felled with over 1,000 pounds of explosives before a group of reporters and bystanders to make way for a multibillion-dollar resort bearing The Plaza brand, which is set to open in 2011.
The New Frontier earned historical notations by becoming the Strip's first theme casino and hosting Elvis Presley's debut in the city. The low-key gambling hall, which opened as the Last Frontier in 1942 with a cowboy village theme and later embraced the space age before returning to its Wild West roots, had become known for bikini bull riding, cheap hotel rooms and $5 craps before it closed its doors for good in July.
Humor for ladies
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain
on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they’re practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him. Or, Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to
him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”
Mel Brooks Starts Nonprofit Foundation To Save Word 'Schmuck'
NEW YORK—Saying he could no longer stand idly by while a vital part of American culture is lost forever, activist and Broadway producer Mel Brooks has founded a private nonprofit organization dedicated to preserving the word "schmuck."
"Schmuck is dying," a sober Brooks said during a 2,000-person rally held in his hometown of Williamsburg, Brooklyn Monday. "For many of us, saying 'schmuck' is a way of life. Yet when I walk down the street and see people behaving in foolish, pathetic, or otherwise schmucky ways, I hear only the words 'prick' and 'douche bag.' I just shake my head and think, 'I don't want to live in a world like this.'"
Monday, November 12, 2007
How open minded are you?
Here are my results:
You Are 72% Open Minded |
 |
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Everglades Gators
About two hours south of Port Charlotte is the Everlades… and Everglades City. We took an airboat tour (one of many available in the area).
This is an eleven foot (approx.) alligator that miraculously came swimming up to our airboat when Cap’n Steve called to him from the side of the swamp. “Come here boy.” I guess it was looking to be fed….. though he didn’t feed it. (It’s illegal to feed them.)… But I’m thinking it’s good for business.
This is me with a 2 foot live gator after our tour. This particular gator is handled by most of the airboat tourists (photo ops like this).
A few alligator facts courtesy of our guide Cap’n Steve:
- Gators live up to 120 years
- They grow up to 14 feet in length and weigh up to 1,000 pounds.
- Cap’n Steve said that there are 3–4 gators for every person in Florida.
- Gators are fresh water reptiles while crocodiles are salt water reptiles.
- Although the tail of the alligator is considered the prime cut, all the meat of the alligator is edible.
- Alligators can run at speeds of up to 20–30 miles per hour on land.
- Alligators have a round snout while crocodiles have a tapered snout.
The same dentist
A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before. "Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"
The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the nuts."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"
The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."
Thanks Gene
Today's Ebonic word of da' day
Omelette
Let's use it in a sentence:
'I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide.'
Yeah, I know it’s racist... but it’s funny anyway.
Thanks Dave
Getting it off your chest
Mugshots of criminals in funny T-shirts.
I always trust criminal lawyers liars.
Isn’t that what got you arrested in the first place?
Doctor visit
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh, that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in December."
Thanks Gene
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
