Saturday, October 14, 2006
Pissing and moaning
A Texas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone
rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
This just demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
What Happens to Your body if you stop smoking Right now?
I think one of the main reasons it’s so hard to quit smoking is because all the benefits of quitting and all the dangers of continuing seem very far away. Well, here’s a little timeline about some of the more immediate effects of quitting smoking and how that will affect your body RIGHT NOW.
In 20 minutes your blood pressure will drop back down to normal. - In 8 hours the carbon monoxide (a toxic gas) levels in your blood stream will drop by half, and oxygen levels will return to normal.
- In 48 hours your chance of having a heart attack will have decreased. All nicotine will have left your body. Your sense of taste and smell will return to a normal level.
- In 72 hours your bronchial tubes will relax, and your energy levels will increase.
- In 2 weeks your circulation will increase, and it will continue to improve for the next 10 weeks.
- In three to nine months coughs, wheezing and breathing problems will dissipate as your lung capacity improves by 10%.
- In 1 year your risk of having a heart attack will have dropped by half.
- In 5 years your risk of having a stroke returns to that of a non-smoker.
- In 10 years your risk of lung cancer will have returned to that of a non-smoker.
- In 15 years your risk of heart attack will have returned to that of a non-smoker.
So, you have more immediate things to look forward to if you quit now besides just freaking out about not being able to smoke.
Science Myths
C
hickens can live without a head
True, and not just for a few minutes. A chicken can stagger around without its noggin because the brain stem, often left partially intact after a beheading, controls most of its reflexes. One robust fellow lived a full eighteen months. Likely he was a real birdbrain, however.
More myth examples:
- You get less wet by running in the rain
- A dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's
- The five second rule
- A penny dropped from the top of a tall building could kill a pedestrian
Friday, October 13, 2006
Great truths about growing old
When I was younger I hated going to weddings...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down 'till the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
Hangover rating system
It goes from 1 to 5 stars.
Here’s the 3 star * * * rating:
- Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Movie mistakes compilation
Pretty neat compilation videos of some movie mistakes. Movie mistakes
I think those are from Moviemistakes.com
Classic Hollywood laws of computing
In the movies:
- People never have to look at the screen or use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
- Super-computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes.
- All computer panels (e.g. Star Trek) have thousands of Kilovolts running just underneath the panels. Any Malfunction is indicated by a big flash and loads of sparks, a puff of smoke, and an explosion that forces people backwards.
- Some computers slow down the text output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. An optional pip sound can be produced as each letter or line is displayed.
- The most technical the equipment, the more (unlabelled) buttons it has.
- No matter what format of computer disk you have, it will be readable by any system you put it into. Therefore, all application software in movies is usable by all computer platforms.
- Real-time video communication is possible on small hand held devices and small laptops ; also when using wireless modems, the speed of data transfer is always around 3 Gigabytes per second.
- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under 5 seconds.
- Whenever a movie character looks at a VDU, the screen image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
- The internet connects to everything in the movies. You can edit credit records, search hotel registries, lookup police criminal files, search drivers license databases, edit social security files and more just using the internet!
- Smashing the VDU will prevent the whole system from working.
- You can launch nuclear missiles from any bedroom using an analog modem, but only if you know a single secret password.
7 Reasons not to mess with children !
1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow human; it was physically impossible .
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
4) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
5) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
6) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
7) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray. "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Thanks Joe P
New Words
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Thanks Mary
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Free Wi-Fi at U.S. airports
Travel much? If so, here is a list of airports in the U.S. that offer free Wi-Fi so you can log on while you’re waiting for your plane or during that longer than you like layover.
Mr. Ed wasn't a talking horse... of course - after all
He was a zebra! Apparently the stripes on a zebra didn’t show up on TV shows that were filmed in black and white.
For those of you too young to remember, Mr. Ed was program about a talking horse that aired on CBS in the early 60’s.
Update: I’ve been duped! I’m gullible! If I had gone on and read more about this I would have discovered that it is a farce. I admit I was surprised when I originally read this….. that’s why I posted it. And I trusted that snopes.com would be an accurate source for info.
So, the truth is, Mr. Ed really was a horse. But don’t tell me he really could talk?
Lightning goes in woman's mouth and out her butt
A WOMAN has suffered severe burning to her anus after being struck by lightning which hit her in the mouth and passed right through her body.
Family picture saves girl's life
A photograph taken at a family wedding may have helped to save the life of an 18-month-old girl.
The picture of Sophie Cooke with her twin sister Molly should have showed their sets of blue eyes, but instead Sophie's left eye was completely black.
The light from the flash should have reflected from the back of the eye, but a tumor was blocking the light path and the eye showed up as black.
Days later the family, from Sheffield, discovered she had eye cancer.
Sophie, who is now two years old, was fitted with a prosthetic eye earlier this year.
Ms Cooke said: "We are just so glad the photograph was taken that day, as it helped save my daughter's life."
This is creepy
Think of a letter between A and W.
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Keep going . . .
Don't stop .. ..
Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name
Almost there........
Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not
using to scroll down.
Take the hand you FIRST counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.
Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.
Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?.
Of course not.......
Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack yourself in the head, get a life.
Thanks Joe P
Cigarettes and tampons
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for some tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this: Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.”
Thanks Joe P
How to avoid the flu
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day.
Go for a swim.
Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
O pen doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona... (fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!
My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"
Thanks Joe P
Square eggs
Wanna try something different? How about a cubed egg?
All you do is put a hard boiled egg in this square plastic box, screw on the lid… and
PRESTO….
You have a square hard boiled egg.
Get one here for $3
Olaf and Sven
Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied.
Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.
"Vere dit yew git dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from my Genie."
"You haff a Genie," Sven asked.
"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle pox," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?"
Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says,
"Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the Genie .
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks ................. flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf.
"Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Olaf answers,
"Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
Minnesota trees
A Norsky, let's call him Ole, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub.
He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes there's another tree directly in his path!
He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later he hears the police siren and stops his car.
The officer approaches Ole's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Ole tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says,
"Fer pete's sakes, Ole, that's yer air freshener!"
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Medical directive
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.
Leaving Las Vegas
This is a shot from the plane as I left Las Vegas this afternoon. I left some cash there too.
This is the Eifel Tower at the Paris Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. The tower is a 1/2 scale, 540 foot replica of the one in Paris France.
This is the famous marquis for the Stardust Hotel and Casino which is due to be closed three weeks from today (November 1st). The Stardust opened on July 2, 1958 at a cost of $10 million. It had 1,065 rooms that rented for $6.00 a day.
The roadside sign was freestanding with a circle constraining an amorphous cloud of cosmic dust circled by an orbit ring and covered in dancing stars. The hotel's name was nestled in a galactic cloud. Subsidiary signs marked out the domain of the Stardust at secondary entrances. Lacking the Desert Inn's lawn and fountain, or the Riviera's dramatic front drive, the front of the Stardust was a parking lot with a sign.
The Stardust will be demolished after closing to make way for Echelon Place, a $4 billion complex featuring 140,000 square feet of casino space, 5.300 rooms, and 25 restaurants and bars. The grand opening is set for 2010.
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