Westward bound

570 miles from St. Louis lands us in North Sioux City, South Dakota. That’s just across the border from Sioux City Iowa.

The ride was much easier than the trip from Florida to St. Louis… at least for me. The weather was actually great. It was cloudy and overcast at 5:10 am this morning when we left St. Louis. I was so cool, I quickly donned a jacket to supplement the long sleeve shirt I was wearing from the get-go. It slowly cleard and warmed up as we crossed Missouri heading towards Kansas City. By the time we haded noth of KC on I-29 I was in a T-Shirt (sunscreen applied, Mom). It was a great ride. I really enjoyed listening to the radio (on my Ultra Classic) as I traversed the roads of northern Missouuri, Iowa and Nebraska, and into South Dakota.

I could have rode farther, but our leader, Mel (of Mel’s Angels) was pooped and wanted to call it a night. So we checked into a Hampton Inn and found a nearby restaurant and had a good meal. Then it was back to the hotel where I checked email and made a few posts on the high speed internet connection (obviously).

It’s an early start tomorrow as we meet for breakfast at 7 am and head on over to Rapid City with stops along the way at the Corn Palace, the Badlands and world famous Wall Drug Store.

I’ll report again the next time I have access. Hopefully with some pictures I took.

No child is born a racist

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Clever tip for the waitress

I wish I was this clever.

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Miss South Carolina

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Please, no pirates

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Heading West

We’re leaving about 5 am tomorrow morning (Saturday) on a ten day, 3,000 mile motorcycle trek through Kansas, Nebraska, South Dakota, Wyoming, all the way to Yellowstone (if we can make it that far) and back to St. Louis.

I’m taking my laptop along with me and will try to post a pic or two when and if I get the chance.  So, if you’re just here for the jokes and pics, you might want to check back in about ten days.   I don’t know that I’ll have much time to scour the web the next week or so.

Y’all be careful out there….

 

 

I'm a meat man.....

… and the meat man knows….

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Mass Transit

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Not Bits & Pieces Headquarters

My office is not what you call Spic n’ Span, but it’s a far cry from this.

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Run Chicken Run

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60 foot Slip n' Slide

Seen everywhere

Results pay....

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

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Power out at Bits & Pieces headquarters

Most of the afternoon was dark at B&P HQ’s this afternoon. 

An afternoon storm swept through the St. Louis area.

Power was restored about 7 pm. 

Don't flush your bra

Read the article

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Redneck pick-up lines

1) Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to check you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Fat Penguin................... Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep til' afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up

Thanks Gary

The way I clean house

 Dirt: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun.  Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

 Cobwebs: Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.  If your husband points out  that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim, "What?  And spoil the mood?" (I just throw glitter on them &call them holiday decorations).

 Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.  (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter).

 Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door.  As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl, and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed, and the shots are SO expensive."

 Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist, "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

 Painting: Don't bother repainting.  Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this when he was 3 years old, and I haven't had the heart to clean it."

 General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle.  Mist the air lightly.  Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations.  Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean, and I still don't get anywhere."

 As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for  bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...   Works every time.

 If the house is clean, the computer has crashed.

Thanks ktjaekel

What do these words have in common?

See if You can figure out what these Words Have In Common...... Give it PLENTY of thought, look carefully, AND don't cheat!

Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Assess

Are You Peeking Or Have You Already Given Up?
Give It Another Try....
You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.
Go back and look at them again; think hard.

No it does not have to do with pairs of matching letters.
Go try again..............

OK... Here You Go.. Hope You Didn't Cheat.
This Is Cool!!

Answer . . . . . 
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word!!! Told ya it was cool!

Did you figure it out? Yeah, me, neither.

Thanks Gene

A sea of humanity

A wave pool in Tokyo.   My guess is that it's 85% people 5% water 10% urine.

Thanks Scott

Best Buddies

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Mail dogs

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Tired of cake?

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Beloit College Mindset List 2007

From Beloit College, where they do this every year. This will make you feel old, even if you aren’t.

Most of the students entering College this fall, members of the Class of 2011, were born in 1989. For them, Alvin Ailey, Andrei Sakharov, Huey Newton, Emperor Hirohito, Ted Bundy, Abbie Hoffman, and Don the Beachcomber have always been dead.

1. What Berlin wall?  

2. Humvees, minus the artillery, have always been available to the public.  

3. Rush Limbaugh and the “Dittoheads” have always been lambasting liberals.  

4. They never “rolled down” a car window.  

5. Michael Moore has always been angry and funny.  

6. They may confuse the Keating Five with a rock group.  

7. They have grown up with bottled water.  

8. General Motors has always been working on an electric car.  

9. Nelson Mandela has always been free and a force in South Africa. 

10. Pete Rose has never played baseball. 

11. Rap music has always been mainstream. 

12. Religious leaders have always been telling politicians what to do, or else! 

13. “Off the hook” has never had anything to do with a telephone. 

14. Music has always been “unplugged.” 

15. Russia has always had a multi-party political system. 

16. Women have always been police chiefs in major cities. 

17. They were born the year Harvard Law Review Editor Barack Obama announced he might run for office some day. 

18. The NBA season has always gone on and on and on and on. 

19. Classmates could include Michelle Wie, Jordin Sparks, and Bart Simpson. 

20. Half of them may have been members of the Baby-sitters Club. 

21. Eastern Airlines has never “earned their wings” in their lifetime. 

22. No one has ever been able to sit down comfortably to a meal of “liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.” 

23. Wal-Mart has always been a larger retailer than Sears and has always employed more workers than GM. 

24. Being “lame” has to do with being dumb or inarticulate, not disabled.

25. Wolf Blitzer has always been serving up the news on CNN. 

26. Katie Couric has always had screen cred. 

27. Al Gore has always been running for president or thinking about it. 

28. They never found a prize in a Coca-Cola “MagiCan.” 

29. They were too young to understand Judas Priest’s subliminal messages. 

30. When all else fails, the Prozac defense has always been a possibility. 

31. Multigrain chips have always provided healthful junk food. 

32. They grew up in Wayne’s World. 

33. U2 has always been more than a spy plane. 

34. They were introduced to Jack Nicholson as “The Joker.” 

35. Stadiums, rock tours and sporting events have always had corporate names. 

36. American rock groups have always appeared in Moscow. 

37. Commercial product placements have been the norm in films and on TV. 

38. On Parents’ Day on campus, their folks could be mixing it up with Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz with daughter Zöe, or Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford with son Cody. 

39. Fox has always been a major network. 

I feel so old…. via

How many sexual innuendos can you spot in this commercial?

Some ad creators feel good if they’re able to slip in one or two sexual innuendos. But DDB New Zealand has taken it to a whole new level by creating a spot made entirely of sexual metaphors. Good luck catching the more-obscure Sexual Innuendos, especially when they keep coming so fast. 

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Groaners...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

17. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

19. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

20. ...And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

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Men's room

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I think it's over

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I should wear my swimsuit

If you were to dig a hole from where you are standing all the way through the center of the Earth, where would you end up?

My Results:

I’d end up in the Indian Ocean…

(Not sure I like that caption.)

If you dug a hole, where would your hole come out?

How many 1968 pennies are in this jar?

Find out here (if you care)

Our lifetime in numbers

 Life expectancy – 78.5 years or 2,475,576,000 seconds
Words Spoken in Lifetime - 123,205,750
Friendships – 1,700 Baths – 7,163 Dreams – 104,390
Beef and Veal consumed - 4.5 cows per person
Chickens consumed – 1,201
Potatoes consumed - 2,327 kilos
Chocolate - 10,354 bars
Baked Beans – 845 tins
Farts – 35,815 litres of wind
Soap – 656
Toothpaste -276
Deodorant – 272, Shampoo – 198
Beer – 10,351 pints
Wine – 1,694 bottles
Vomit produced – 149 litres
Sex - 4,239 times
Holidays - 59 trips

Read the article from The Daily Mail

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My new deck...

Some assembly required …

…if I can get it home.

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Wonder who's the most popular girl...

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Houseboat

Outhouse, that is….

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The Frank Feldman story

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

"Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank...I just married his damn widow."

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Montana heat

 You know it's hot in Montana when there is a Moose in the wading pool in your back yard. This was taken in Lincoln Montana.

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The Great Escape

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Fountain of Wayne

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Environmentalist

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Quick dry

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Happy horse

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Cool pool

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24 hours to live...

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,

"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny.... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't." 

Thanks Ronnie

Great Story

In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Thanks Ronnie

Bubble bath

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Everybody needs a hobby...

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Idiot sightings

Here are a few examples:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us
that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor
on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest
one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and
said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger
than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two." We haven't
used Sears repair since

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Kansas City

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge
?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I
know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in
Birmingham, Ala

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I
already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton ,
Mississippi

More

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The Queen's Court

Annually The Queen of England has her picture taken with her personal guards. It usually gets published in Newspapers in England. I rather think that this one was picked up by many papers and-or magazines and we may see it around everywhere.   Somehow, I think that her Right-Hand Man is not going to 
have his job much longer!!!!!! 

Thanks Gene

A mouthfull

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This just in...

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Scary urinal

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Daaad!

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This just in....

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Back to school

Does your kid have one of these pencil sharpeners?

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Porn central

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Bubbler

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Hanging on

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Attacked

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Big baby

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Is that even possible?

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20 / 20 vision

A woman was standing nude looking in her bedroom mirror.

She said to her husband, "I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

He replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

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Foul wrestling move

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No entry

Hard to argue with that…

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Office prank

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Senior dating

Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking.

Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car… a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner… a marvelous dinner… lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!”

Dorothy: “Goodness gracious!… so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”

Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”

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Medicare

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs.. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs.. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr.. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs.. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

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Escalator ride

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Obstacle course?

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Traveling in style

Interesting riding position….

This is a picture of a couple traveling on Haikou's Nanhai Avenue, who have obviously found a very comfortable position traveling in style on their motorbike.

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Man kisses his wife, then throws her off the balcony to her death

Read the story

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