Thanks Sandie
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Need a laugh?
Follow these directions for a laugh:
Click here
Enter your first name in the first box
Enter your last name in the second box
(You don’t have to enter email address)
Click on the “Visualizar” button (It’s not in English, but you’ll laugh.)
Hillary and Janet Reno
Senator Hillary Clinton and former Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet,
"You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men seeking sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he was last."
Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged does not mean I don't have to fight off occasional unwelcome advances."
Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might, tense, and squeeze to break wind as loud and hard as I can."
That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving gas all day long and was ready for him. She tenses up and forces out the most disgusting sound you could imagine.
Bill rolled over and said, "Janet, is that you?"
Disabled dogs get rolling
Three Chihuahua puppies, born without front legs due to a genetic defect, now have what the North Shore Animal League in Port Washington NY calls "front-wheel drive."
The trio, Venus, Carmen and Pablo, rescued by the League from a Virginia shelter, were equipped with two-wheeled carts that give them mobility, the shelter said in a news release Thursday.
"The three have been practicing getting about and eating using their new, custom-built, aluminum carts," the shelter said. The carts are fastened to the dogs with "Velcro-held polar fleece padding for comfortable body support and lightweight foam wheels."
Read more with video Incredible!
Two really good picture sites
One of my favoritre sites to visit is Pizdaus. It has some of the most beautiful and interesting pictures on it. And it’s being constantly updated. I only use a few pictures from the site for Bits & Pieces (usually the funnier ones), but I try to visit it every day and am continually amazed at the breathtaking photograpy I find there. If you’ve never been there I highly recommend it.
Another similar sight I’ve found is Flickriver. It is like a flowing river or stream of amazing photos posted on Flikr. You can sort by any subject too. I’m sure there are more sites like these.. or even better, but I just wanted to pass these two onto you.
Jonco
Git R Done
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
'Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin' Marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
Them logs, but he's hidin' it there.."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They Searched the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
Thanks Gene
How well do you know your landmarks?
Take the quiz below and see if you can name the landmark with an aerial view of the location.
Here are my results: Better than I thought they would be.
Thanks Gene
Kill the enemy with a new NLOS Cannon
No, it’s not a new digital camera from Canon, it’s a demo of the new NLOS (Non Line Of Sight) cannon which represents the future of artillary for the U.S. Army. It’s sort of addictive
Try the NLOS Cannon Challenge from The Discovery Chammel
Thanks Gene
Friday, January 11, 2008
Very cool biker frog
Oui, the frog, is fond of doing different tricks, among which sitting on a miniature motorcycle is probably the most famous. According to Oui’s owner ‘he loves playing with human toys and posing for photographs’.
Think twice when you get your car repaired...
Five out of nine instances of automotive maintenance performed by Jiffy Lube were fraudulent according to this report by Joel Grover of KNBC in Los Angeles. I don’t know how old this tape is, but it does make you wonder. I’m sure this isn’t limited to just Jiffy Lube. I’m also sure there are a lot of reputable auto service shops around too. It’s just hard to know which ones are legit.
Here are two parts to the KNBC 4 series.
Update: I received this email from Bob Cahill, Regional Director of Oil Express Inc.
Jonco,|
I read your blog this morning and allow me to add something. I work for Jiffy Lube and was appalled at this myself when it happened two years ago.
There have been many individuals terminated who were responsible for this and other measures were taken nationwide to prevent this from happening again.
I will not get into details but have attached a response that indicates some of those measures.
I really feel that the vast majority of Jiffy Lube employees have their customers’ best interest at heart.
Please share this information with your readers.
Also – the safest airline to fly is the one that had a recent accident – they are more closely watched. I feel the same about Jiffy Lube. There are a lot of measures in place to ensure the customer gets what they pay for.
Thanks for reading and we would appreciate you giving Jiffy Lube the opportunity to serve you.[ATTACHED]
The news reports about Jiffy Lube that took place in May of 2006 focused on just five service centers in the Los Angeles market. There are thousands of Jiffy Lube service centers across the country and what was reported in those stores is not representative of the entire system.Jiffy Lube has investigated the situation and has implemented a plan of corrective actions that include:
- After the initial investigation several Jiffy Lube employees were terminated for failing to follow Jiffy Lube policies and procedures.
- The five stores involved in the news reports were closed, re-trained on approved Jiffy Lube policies and procedures, and then opened for business.
- Los Angeles area Jiffy Lube stores are being randomly audited to ensure adherence to approved policies and procedures.
- An intensive mystery shopping program has been implemented to ensure adherence to approved policies and procedures.
- Cameras allowing customers and management to watch vehicles being serviced are being installed in these and other area stores.
- Additional controls have been implemented to audit the stores on their adherence to approved policies and procedures.
- An employee tips line has been instituted to give employees a way to report concerns in the work place.
Self improvement advice from the Devil
1 - Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
2 - Half the people you know are below average.
3 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
4 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
6 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
8 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
9 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
10 - When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
11 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
12 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
13 - I intend to live forever……so far, so good.
14 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
15 - If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
16 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
17 - Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
18 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
19 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
Inapropriate songs for a funeral...
Update: I’m reminded of a true story about my sweet granddaughter who just turned 15 on Tuesday. When she was about three, her great, great grandma died. This woman was one of the nicest ladies I ever knew. Right in the middle of the funeral service this darling child started singing her favorite song, “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead”. The place erupted in laughter.
Stardust Hotel and Casino 1958 - 2007
A nice video about the Stardust Hotel in Las Vegas. I stayed there on my last trip to Vegas. It closed early last year and was imploded in an extravagant way, which is how they do things out there. Three and a half minutes long and might not interest everyone, but I enjoyed it.
A short conversation with God
Mr. Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
Man shocked to discover wife working at a brothel
A man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment's employees. Polish tabloid Super Express said the woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town.
"I was dumfounded. I thought I was dreaming," the husband told the newspaper Wednesday. The couple, married for 14 years, are now divorcing, the newspaper reported.
Virtual cable - The next step in navigation?
This invention, called Virtual Cable™ is a unique display for a car navigation system. The driver sees the Virtual Cable™ image through the windshield. It appears as if suspended over the road, similar to a trolley cable. The image is in true 3D and appears to be a natural part of the landscape. The driver uses only peripheral vision to follow the Virtual Cable™.
Times Square...
… like you’ve never seen it before.
Don’t forgewt to click and drag.
(Takes a moment or two to load.)
Update: Kewn P sends along this link to live webcams in Times Square
Want to know the day you're going to die?
Answer a few questions and find out what the insurance companies already know. When, where and how you’re going to die.
Here are my results: (This is much better that the Death Clock (below). I’ve got a few more good years.)
According to the Death Clock I only have a little over 14 years left.
How to call the police when you're old...
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Don't mess with old people !
Thanks Joe P
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
High Wildlife?
What are they high on?
![High Wildlife [640x480]](http://www.jonco48.com/blog/High_20Wildlife_20[640x480].jpg)
B&P reader Stoner passed this on. This is on the Kenai Peninsula in Alaska.
Farout Dude!
Thanks Stoner
Today in the stock market....
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cow steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
Murphy's lesser known laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, on a hill, in the fog, and 9 times out of 10, they'll have Texas plates on their car....
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Dog hospitalised for being over the limit
A dog was admitted to a veterinary clinic in Austria at the weekend, barely able to stand on his own four paws and reeking "like a beer hall."
Dingo, a three-year-old labrador weighing 40 kilogrammes (88 pounds), was a pitiful sight when his owner, a hunter, brought him in to the surgery in the Salzkammergut region, the Oberoesterreichische Nachrichten quoted vet Karl Hofbauer as saying.
The dog had dreadful wind and diarrhea and was vomiting a lot," Hofbauer said.
"When I got him up on the table, it smelt like a distillery."
Tests indicated that the dog had a blood alcohol content of 1.6 milligrams per 100 millilitres. But that was not the result of Dingo having one drink too many, the owner insisted.
The hungry pooch had stolen and secretly devoured half a kilogramme of fresh yeast dough from the kitchen. Alcohol had formed inside his stomach as a result of the fermentation process, leaving poor old Dingo stone drunk.
Bill Gates' last full day at Microsoft
Featuring Bill Gates, Brian Williams, Bono, Steven Spielberg, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Al Gore, Steve Ballmer, Lisa Brummell, Robbie Bach, Kevin Turner, Ray Ozzie, and Craig Mundie. Funny stuff!!
Two line rhymes
Romantic? YES and NO
These are entries in a Washington Post competition asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line.
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so Are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Thanks Sandra R
Investment tips
Investment tips for 2008 for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2008.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
And finally ..
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang!!
Thanks Sandra R
Life Lessons
My friend Derek over at Things I Meant to Blog has a post about things he’s learned lately.
Here are just a few:
- Sometimes you win by quitting.
- Sometimes not knowing actually is better.
- Not every mistake is a learning experience.
- God wants you to be happy, but He does not want you to never be sad.
- You've got to laugh.
- Don't think of it as death. Think of it as moving.
- If you're a guy, don't even consider getting married until you're at least 30.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
U.S. Mexican border
I thought this was interesting… not sure why though. The U.S. is on the left and Tijuana is on the right.
Are you stupid?
You are if you take this quiz.
I’m 100% serious. You’re stupid if you take this so called quiz. It’s nothing more than an advertizing scheme to get you to sign up for everything under the sun. If you feel lonely … and you get no email… then go ahead and do this. You’ll have spam running out your ears in no time. There must have been 20 pages of crap to opt out of just to get to my results: 92% right. But it WAS NOT worth it. (I could have been scouring the web for you rather than doing that.)
You’ve been warned.
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