Saturday, September 15, 2007
"Dead" man wakes up under autopsy knife
A Venezuelan man who had been declared dead woke up in the morgue in excruciating pain after medical examiners began their autopsy.
Carlos Camejo, 33, was declared dead after a highway accident and taken to the morgue, where examiners began an autopsy only to realize something was amiss when he started bleeding. They quickly sought to stitch up the incision on his face.
"I woke up because the pain was unbearable", Camejo said, according to a report on Friday in leading local newspaper El Universal.
His grieving wife turned up at the morgue to identify her husband's body only to find him moved into a corridor - and alive.
Going to Kansas City this weekend....
We’re heading to Kansas City this weekend to watch granddaughter Logan and second niece Abigail play soccer. And visit with my brother and his family for a bit.
Heading out very EARLY Saturday morning. We’re staying at the Marriott in Overland Park KS. I’ll try to post a little while I’m there if I can.
Saturday is also my daughter’s birthday. Happy birthday Kris!
Friday, September 14, 2007
Quotes to live by...
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- Some days you're the pigeon; some days you're the statue.
- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
You gotta love Henry...
Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her gossiping, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house . . walked home . . . and left it there all night.
You gotta love Henry.
Hungry?
How about some nice fried grilled rats?
I hope they gut them first, though it doesn’t look like it.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
10 Things You Better Off Not Knowing About Your Body
1. The average human body comprises enough fat to make seven bars of soap, enough iron to make a medium sized nail, enough potassium to explode a toy cannon, enough lime to whitewash a small chicken coop, enough sugar to fill a jam jar, and enough sulfur to rid a dog of fleas.
2. A complete skeleton is worth between $5,000 and $7,500 to a medical student; your skull alone would fetch only about $450.
3. Your mouth produces about one quart of saliva per day.
4. Demodex folliculorum has eight stumpy legs and a tail, is about a third of a millimeter long, and loves nothing more than to recline in the warm, oily pits of your hair follicles. Most adults have this mite, usually on the head, but especially in eyelashes. And often, they’re in nipples.
5. You have approximately 4,000 wax glands in each ear.
6. The average adult stool weighs about 4 ounces. And half of the bulk of your feces comprises the dead bodies of bacteria that live inside your intestines.
7. The average male foot exudes half a pint of sweat each day.
8. If it weren’t for the slimy mucous that clings to and lines the walls of your gut, your stomach would readily digest itself.
9. The average person will pass about 11,000 gallons of urine in a lifetime.
10. A man weighing 200 lbs. would provide enough meat to feed 100 cannibals in one sitting.
Warning!
I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call on Sunday.
I walked into Home Depot at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a red shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted him out.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.
Pet Rules
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About My Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Proposal prank
Apparently these two guys were always trying to outprank one another. This one probably tops the cake… wedding cake, that is.
Great as far as pranks go, yet a little sad.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Stories from Tech Support
Tech support guys have to deal with lot of silly people. Following are some true conversation recorded .
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one…
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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, but it’s really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note …
Customer: No … wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry ……
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Helpdesk: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of ! the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
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Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer : Hello… I can’t print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and …
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates damn it!
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Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…
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Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: No.
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Helpdesk: What’s on your monitor now ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
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Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It’s not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing’s happening…
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work!
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Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in! Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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A customer couldn’t get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That’s not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
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Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over ! 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don’t understand your problem?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
Multilingual
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Texans are waiting.
"Entschuldigen Sie mich, Sie zu tun sprechen Deutsches?" he asks. The two Texans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi pour vous faire parlent français?" The two continue to stare.
"parli italiano?" No response.
"¿los di usted habla español?" Still nothing.
So he has a final try: "Tatakalamaani bil arabiyya?"
The Swiss man drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Texan turns to the second and says, "You know Bubba, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew five and it didn't do him any good."
Giant man eating catfish found in Guangdong reservoir?
This catfish is nearly 10 feet long and it’s head more than 3 feet wide was found in the Guangdong reservoir in China. When they cut it open they found human remains inside.
You Know You're From St. Louis When...
Many of you readers will have no idea what this is all about, but if you’re familiar with St. Louis, you’ll get most of these. If you’re completely lost don’t change the channel, just tune into the next post.
You Know You're From St. Louis When...
You love toasted ravioli with Budweiser beer.
"Vacation" is a choice between Silver Dollar City and Lake of the Ozarks .
You can find Pestalozzi Street by aroma alone.
You can get anywhere in 20 minutes, except on highway 40.
You can debate for 30 minutes whether Missouri Baking or Marge Amighetti makes the best Italian bread.
You know what "Party Cove" is, and where the "lake" is.
You still can't believe the Arena is gone.
Your first question to a new person is, "Where did you go to High School?"
Your non-St. Louisan friends always ask if you're aware there is no "r" in "wash."
You know at least one person who's gotten hurt at Johnson Shut-ins.
You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football.
You think the four major food groups are Beef, Pork, Budweiser and Imo's.
You know there are really only three salad dressings: Imo's, Zia's and Rich and Charlie's.
You'll pay for your kid to go to college unless they want to go to KU.
You would rather have a root canal without anesthetic than drive on Manchester on a Saturday afternoon.
It just doesn't seem like a wedding without mostaciolli. AND YOU PRONOUNCE IT 'MUSKACHOLLI'. The balance of the menu is ham, boiled roast beef, string beans with ham and of course pitchers of Busch Bavarian (class weddings have Bud).
You know, within a three-mile radius, where another St. Louisan grew up as soon as they open their mouth.
You know what a Pork Steak is and what kind of sauce to put on it!
Everyone in your family has floated the Meramec River at least once.
A 'hoosier' is someone that lives just south of Chouteau, not a person from Indiana .
You have made fun of Mike Shannon and tried to imitate him ordering another cold, frosty Busch Bavarian Beer.
You have listened to Mike's broadcast on KMOX, while watching the game on TV and wonder what game he is watching.
A tear forms in your eye as someone mentions their favorite Jack Buck story.
You've said, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity."
Your favorite summer treat is handed to you upside-down.
You bleed Blue between September and May.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from St. Louis .
Thanks Joe P
Public Service Announcement
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purificationprocess of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop Alcohol = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink alcohol and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
Thanks Joe P
Top 529 eternal questions in popular music
Here are just a few (ones that I can relate to):
1. How many roads must a man walk down?
3. Who let the dogs out?
6. will you still need me when i'm 64?
8. Why do birds sing so gay?
25. How much is that doggy in the window?
33. whats love got to do with it?
53. Who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong?
72. Who wrote the book of love?
102. Have you ever seen the rain?
104. Do you know the way to San Jose?
112. What would you think if I sang out of tune?
124. Are You Lonesome Tonight?
133. Does anybody really know what time it is?
134. Does anybody really care?
192. Do you love me now that I can dance?
196. Did you ever know that you're my hero?
200 Who you gonna call?
225. Why is everybody always picking on me?
232. Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
300. Do you like good music?
317. What's new, pussycat?
320. Where did our love go?
326. Is she really going out with him?
329. Do you really want to hurt me?
335. Who's makin' love to your old lady, while you was out makin' love?
351. When will I be loved?
379. Won't you play with my ding-a-ling?
392. If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
410. Do you wanna dance?
415. Wouldn't it be nice?
447. Do you want to know a secret?
450 Jeepers Creepers! Where'd you get those peepers?
460. Won't you marry me, Bill?
478. And I wonder, still I wonder, who'll stop the rain?
481. Could it be I'm falling in love?
482. Is it in his kiss?
488. How can you mend a broken heart?
493. What becomes of the broken hearted?
525. Maybelline, why can't you be true?
543 O say can you see by the dawn's early light what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
You know...
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America.
Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
via (And yes, I would have done the same joke about Clinton)
Monday, September 10, 2007
For the guy who forgot to bring his cap to the game
An invention needn't be complicated to be practical and here's a great idea for the guy who forgot to bring his hat to the game, yet still wants to enjoy the look and feel of nacho cheese in his hair.
An interesting study...
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are planned at this time.
Thanks Gene
Old people...
Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an arm pit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Thanks Gene
Things you don't want to hear at the tattoo parlor
* 
Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE.
* We're all out of red, so I used pink.
* There are 2 Os in Bob, right?
* Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."
* That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie.
* Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups.
* Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here.
* I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before.
* The flag's all done and you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect.
* Oops....
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