I’m off on a motorcycle trek to Branson MO for a few days. We’ve rented a 4 bedroom house on Table Rock Lake.
Hope to do some local sightseeing in the area and maybe catch a show or two.
We’re leaving about 6 a.m. tomorrow morning (Sunday) and should be home Thursday evening.
Y’all be careful out there.
I got a nüvi 350 GPS for my car and motorcycle. We had to do a little work to get it configured (powered) on my bike, but it’s working now thanks to the ever-amazing tinkering skills of son-in-law Seth.
It’s really a great little system from Garmin. The nüvi is a portable GPS navigator, traveler’s reference, and digital entertainment system, all in one. Combined with detailed maps, the nüvi provides automatic routing, turn-by-turn voice directions, and finger-touchscreen control—making it easy to find your way anywhere.
As you can see below it shows the direction headed, local roads and your speed. You can zoom in or out by touching the plus or minus buttons on the touch screen. As you can see from this screenshot, I was really fling thru Atlanta. Well, I was actually flying OVER Atlanta… and was playing with the unit on a flight home from Florida a few days back. 
Make your fantasy a reality with Mile High Atlanta. We are located at West Georgia Regional Airport near Carrollton, GA. just a short drive from the Metro Atlanta area in rural Georgia. We will take you up to over 5,280 feet above the earth's surface so you have the opportunity to join the exclusive "Mile High Club." For only $299 you will have an hour flight in a Piper Cherokee Six designed exclusively for this purpose. Also included is a bottle of champagne and you get to keep your sheets as a souvenir of this special event.
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES
Thanks Mary
A repost from a while back:
Does the statement, "We've always done it like that" ring any bells? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built US Railroads. Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England)
for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Now, a twist to the story When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on it 'so launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or Serbs.
The Serbs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the Serbs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the Serbs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains.
The Serbs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
- And -
You thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!
Thanks Mary
While walking down the street one day a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now, the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
Thanks Ronnie
How To Avoid The Flu Shot
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So......
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!
My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"
Thanks Mary
Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my right knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"
The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?"
"98!" Johnson announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again.
Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"
The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it don't hurt!"
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".
He never heard the shot.
View the Milky Way at 10 million light years from the Earth. Then move through space towards the Earth in successive orders of magnitude until you reach a tall oak tree just outside the buildings of the National High Magnetic Field Laboratory in Tallahassee, Florida. After that, begin to move from the actual size of a leaf into a microscopic world that reveals leaf cell walls, the cell nucleus, chromatin, DNA and finally, into the subatomic universe of electrons and protons.
Pretty cool stuff. Just sit back and watch as your universe appears
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I’m Sylvia. How’d you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
A Brazilian man is hoping for a place in the record books for his ability to pop his eyes out of their sockets.
Claudio Pinto, 48 is making a living out of shows where he pops his eyes out, Terra Noticias Populares reports.
He reckons he can pop both eyes 95% out of their sockets.
Mr Pinto has undergone various tests and doctors say they have never seen or heard of a person who can pop the eyes as much as him.
Mr Pinto, from Belo Horizonte, said: "It is a pretty easy way to make money.
"I can pop my eyes out four centimetres each, it is a gift from God, I feel blessed."
You appreciate the finer things in life. You have a split personality - wild or conservative, depending on your mood. Wherever you go, you like to travel first class. Luxury, style, and fun - who could ask for more?
Thanks Mary
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?"
The guy said, "No."
The girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.
~ The End~
Thanks Mary
If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck - Elvis Presley
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. - Red Skelton
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. - Tom Lehrer
The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. - Anonymous
Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late. - Rita Coolidge
The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends. - Bobby Kelton
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra.Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno
I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. - Brian Kiley
President Bush uses Little Richard as translator
A very good take-off on the Geico commercials.
Gary Weddle, a Ephrata Washington science teacher, decided back in 2001, after the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, that he wasn’t going to shave until we caught Osama Bin Laden. This is the result – so far.
Florida Hurricane Season Notes:
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanks- giving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and...
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida", you live in a low-lying area.)
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise
via Q: Did you hear they have recalled Steve Irwin's line of sun screen?
A: Yea. It doesn't protect against harmful rays.
1. Use it as a fancy tablecloth in your dollhouse living room.
2. Buy .3 gallons of gas.
3. Buy REO Speedwagon's The Hits at your local 7-Eleven.
4. Buy a newspaper. Make a hat out of the newspaper.
5. Hold a hooker's hand.
6. Get 30 seconds of high-resolution "full-contact" Web chat time.
7. Put it all on red.
8. Get an all-day parking pass in downtown Steubenville, Ohio.
9. Buy a new doorbell button.
10. Trade it on eBay for a different dollar.
11. Buy enough yarn to knit your hamster a beach towel.
12. Get a small bag of fortune cookies. Then brag to your friends that you have a small (bag of) fortune (cookies).
13. Make a lightweight two-inch telescope (1X powered).
14. Buy enough breadcrumbs to go for a walk in the forest and not get lost.
15. Get 100 pennies, go to a fountain, and make 100 wishes for more money.
16. Make a testicle cozy (you'll need two dollars for two cozies).
17. Scratch and win your way out of your shithole life.
18. Make a three-second phone call from a hotel room.
19. Pay off all your debts in Mexico.
20. Make some origami. Sell it for more than a dollar to some retard who likes origami.
21. Eat it. Then laugh as you shit money. (Don't eat it again.)
22. Buy a dozen used roses.
23. Fly a tiny kite.
24. Use it as homemade Q-tip.
25. Treat your girlfriend like a cheap stripper.
26. Level a wobbly table.
27. Save an African’s life.
28. Get a black or white photo, from a picture booth.
29. Buy 20 empty aluminum cans. Fill them with urine and then sell them as cans of energy drink.
30. Leave four messages on your answering machine from a pay phone.
A little girl, coming home from her first week of school, is utterly exasperated.
"I am just wasting my time," she tells her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
Wife to Husband: "If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you."
Husband: "All right, but it will ruin my day."
I recall being very good at this…
Teenage boys — and a lot of grown men — could learn a lot from Thomas Vogel. On Saturday, the German man displayed dazzling dexterity to break the Guinness world record for the most brassieres unhooked in one minute using one hand, shattering the record with an eye- and clasp-popping 56 opened bras in 60 seconds.
The Bavarian bra-buster did so on the set of a TV show in Cologne, with a bevy of bra-covered beauties lined up to assist him. Vogel bested the Guinness world record previously held by Aussie Rick Canzler, who unhooked 42 bras on June 19 of last year in Sydney (though we doubt Canzler's game is suffering much).
That said, sorry ladies. Most males lack the deft touch that Vogel displayed on Saturday, as evidenced by the awkward stories of bra openings gone wrong, described below. Here's hoping more guys get their fumbling moves figured out soon.
Undoing the clasp
Gather 'round, my brethren, and pay close attention. I am about to reveal the answer to the mystery that has befuddled mankind since the first cave man tried to get to second base with the cave girl next door.
There exists a simple, effective and time-tested technique for quickly undoing a brassiere in the heat of passion without coming off like a clumsy high schooler on prom night.
Amazingly, you don't even need both hands to do it.
After all, nothing quite says "amateur" like a man who fumbles and stumbles while trying to unlock that first gate — otherwise known as the two small clasps on the back of a bra.
You'd think knowing how to effortlessly separate a pair of tiny hooks from eyelets would be as innate to a guy as, say, knowing how to throw a spiral or read a box score.
Yet most of us — well, most of you — have no doubt experienced the frustration and embarrassment of taking way too long to unlatch those pesky clasps.
It's enough to make a guy feel like a boob.
Which is why I am willing to share a fool-proof technique that has been handed down in my family for generations.
Ready? The trick to opening a bra easily and smoothly is... use your left hand.
It's no big secret, really, just basic mechanics. Bra hooks are sewn into bands in a direction that makes it easier for southpaws. So the next time you're making like Jose Reyes and going for second at full tilt, just remember these four easy steps:
1) Reach behind your gal with your left hand, 2) firmly grasp the bra band where the clasps meet, 3) pinch it between your thumb and first two fingers, and 4) gently pull.
The bra should come undone faster than it takes Paris Hilton to catch a margarita buzz. Just don't get caught practicing.
Five kitchen tools that sound kind of dirty
1. chocolate fountain
2. melon baller
3. meat baster
4. boning knife
5. corn holders
Five things that make me smile
1. the little arrow in the FedEx logo
2. elderly couples in matching outfits
3. “You Didn’t Have to Be So Nice” by the Lovin’ Spoonful
4. Candide
5. Jack Horkheimer
Five reasons the terrorists hate us (apart from “our freedom”)
1. Wal-Mart’s everyday low prices
2. those accursed speakers of truth at Fox News
3. the bodacious racks of our many former child stars
4. those delicious steak fries
5. Bladder Buster Thursdays at that one place near campus
Lots of stories like this:
Woman, 82, Gets Ticket for Crossing The Street Too Slow
LOS ANGELES - An 82-year-old woman received a $114 ticket for taking too long to cross a street. Mayvis Coyle said she began shuffling with her cane across Foothill Boulevard in the San Fernando Valley when the light was green, but was unable to make it to the other side before it turned red.
She said the motorcycle officer who ticketed her on Feb. 15 told her she was obstructing traffic.
"I think it's completely outrageous," said Coyle, who described herself as a Cherokee medicine woman. "He treated me like a 6-year-old, like I don't know what I'm doing."
Los Angeles police Sgt. Mike Zaboski of the Valley Traffic Division said police are cracking down on people who improperly cross streets because pedestrian accidents are above normal. He said he could not comment on Coyle's ticket other than to say that it is her word against that of the citing officer, identified only as Officer Kelly.
Councilwoman Wendy Greuel said she has asked transportation officials to figure out how to accommodate elderly people. "We should look at those areas with predominantly seniors and accommodate their needs in intersections" she said.
Tomorrow, which isn't even here yet, will never be the day after tomorrow again.
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said.
"The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach.
That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out 1st, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya!"
