Five kitchen tools that sound kind of dirty
1. chocolate fountain
2. melon baller
3. meat baster
4. boning knife
5. corn holders
Five things that make me smile
1. the little arrow in the FedEx logo
2. elderly couples in matching outfits
3. “You Didn’t Have to Be So Nice” by the Lovin’ Spoonful
4. Candide
5. Jack Horkheimer
Five reasons the terrorists hate us (apart from “our freedom”)
1. Wal-Mart’s everyday low prices
2. those accursed speakers of truth at Fox News
3. the bodacious racks of our many former child stars
4. those delicious steak fries
5. Bladder Buster Thursdays at that one place near campus
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