One of these pictures is the famous Cosmo magazine photo of Burt Reynolds from 1972.
Can you pick out the real Burt Reynolds?
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Finding the perfect Christmas tree
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
Only in Iraq: Jihad Wrangler
From Wikipedia:
The term "Jihad" is often used to describe purely physical and military "religious war". A majority of Muslims hold that this understanding only makes up part of the broader meaning of the concept of jihad. The denotation is of a struggle, challenge, difficulty or (frequently) opposed effort, made either in accomplishment or as resistance. A person who engages in any form of jihad can be called a mujahid (in plural: mujahidin) (Arabic: striver, struggler). Jihad has gained notoriety in much of the West because of its usage by various violent fundamentalist groups. Jihad must be understood in the context of the history of Islam, and not only linguistically.
If you found a wallet on the street, what would you do?
Webmaster Paul Kinsella conducted an interesting test;
He dropped 100 wallets in front of hidden cameras to see who would return them and who would steal them... He was curious as to how honest people would be and wanted to see how different races, genders and age groups would compare to each other.
Each of the 100 wallets contained $2.10 in real money, a fake $50.00 gift certificate, some miscellaneous items and a clearly written ID card identifying the lost wallet's rightful owner.
So who was more honest - women or men? Black people or white people? Young people or old people?
Full body x-ray to be tested at Phoenix airport
A disturbing new screening system with the amazing and unsettling ability to strip the human body and reveal its most intimate curves in x-ray photographs is to be tested at an U.S. airport.
The federal screening system, which takes photographs like the one shown below, can detect concealed explosives and other weapons.
The technology, called backscatter, has been around for several years but has not been widely used in the U.S. as an anti-terrorism tool because of privacy concerns.
The U.S. Transportation Security Administration said it has found a way to refine the machine's images so that the normally graphic pictures can be blurred in certain areas while still being effective in detecting bombs and other threats.
The agency is expected to provide more information about the technology later this month but said one machine will be up and running at Phoenix's Sky Harbor International Airport by the end of December.
Top Ten Dirtiest Names in Sports
There are real names folks!
10. Gregor Fucka (Italian basketball player)
9. B.J. Johnson (wide receiver for Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
8. Pete LaCock (played baseball with Cubs and Royals)
7. Danny Shittu (football player in England)
6. Harry Colon (played football for Lions, Patriots and Jaguars)
5. Lucious Pusey (linebacker for Eastern Illinois Panthers)
4. Dick Pole (played baseball for the Red sox and Mariners)
3. Dean Windass (striker for Bradford City in England)
2. Misty Hyman (Gold medalist in 2000 Olympics for swimming)
1. Rusty Kuntz (played baseball for White sox, Twins and Tigers)
What happens when you TASER a snake?
Apparently the same thing that happens when you TASER a human.
Snakes On An Arm!
Charity
As Mike walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing he was late for an important interview, his eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, his heart was touched by this persons condition.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," He was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, he saw a hidden beauty.
A small voice inside his head called out, "Reach out, reach out!"
So he did..........
He gets out of the hospital in about 3 months.
It would be nice to get a card or maybe a visitor.
Thanks Mary
Friday, December 01, 2006
Ice storm
The St. Louis area, along with much of the Midwest, got hit with an ice storm yesterday and overnight last night.
Some ice covered trees on my street
After being unseasonably warm (70 degrees up until Wednesday) it turned bad late Wednesday night and throughout Thursday with rain, freezing rain, sleet and then some snow overnight last night. Some areas to the north and west of St. Louis got hit harder than the metro area.
Frozen hummingbird
Over 500,000 people in the area lost power as of this morning. With gusty winds predicted today, they expect more power outages as the ice covered trees and power lines won’t be able to take the added stress. We didn’t lose power at home (so far) but did at our business. No indication when it will be back on.
Changes to Bits & Pieces
Due to a couple requests I’ve changed the number of posts on the first page. As of today only the last seven days of posts are displayed on the first page. To get to earlier posts click on the archive links by date on the right of the home page.
Thanks for reading Bits & Pieces.
Now back to regular programming.
New Bedtimes Virus
If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY.
Do not open it.
Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will cause your toilet to flush while you are showering.
It will drink ALL your beer.
For God's Sake, Are You Listening??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.
If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
*** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone!!!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!
And look at you….
You're on the computer!!!!
Calling in sick
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
Finally a union negotiator broke the silence in the room: "Wow. Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
12 foot alligator attacks a naked man on crack
Lakeland, Florida — Police say a 45-year-old man was naked and high on crack cocaine when he was rescued by four deputies from the jaws of a nearly 12-foot alligator.
Adrian Apgar is in critical condition with an apparent broken right arm, leg injuries and his left arm hanging by a tendon.
One of the deputies says he pulled Apgar's arms while the gator gripped his lower half. The reptile loosened his jaws. When he thought the victim was free, the animal lunged again.
Read the whole story and listen to the 911 call (Some language NSFW)
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Thought for the day
Some people are like Slinkies, They don't really have a purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down stairs.
25 funniest analogies - Collected by high school English teachers
Supposedly taken from actual high school essays and collected by English teachers across the country for their own amusement. Some of these kids may have bright futures as humor writers. What do you think?
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
A letter from a Met's fan about losing the playoffs against the Cardinals
Language NSFW
Not sure who wrote it or who he sent it to… but you can feel his frustration. 
Thanks Danny Mac
Baseball Team Salary Vs. Performance
From J-Walkblog:
Baseball season is over, but it's always interesting to compare team salaries with their performance. I created this scatter chart that plots each time according to its team salary and win percentage.
Interestingly, the World Series winner is smack dab in the middle in both categories.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Bear hunting
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices ... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Top 100 most memorable catchphrases
Sometimes it takes only a word, or just a few, to become immortalized in television history.
The TV Land cable network has compiled a list of the 100 greatest catchphrases in TV, from the serious Walter Cronkite's nightly signoff "And that's the way it is" to the silly: "We are two wild and crazy guys!"
The network will air a countdown special, "The 100 Greatest TV Quotes & Catch Phrases," over five days starting Dec. 11.
Here they are (in alphabetical order):
"Aaay" (Fonzie, "Happy Days")
"And that's the way it is" (Walter Cronkite, "CBS Evening News")
"Ask not what your country can do for you . . ." (John F. Kennedy)"Baby, you're the greatest" (Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden, "The Honeymooners")
"Bam!" (Emeril Lagasse, "Emeril Live")
"Book 'em, Danno" (Steve McGarrett, "Hawaii Five-O")
"Come on down!" (Johnny Olson, "The Price is Right")
"Danger, Will Robinson" (Robot, "Lost in Space")
"De plane! De plane!" (Tattoo, "Fantasy Island")
"Denny Crane" (Denny Crane, "Boston Legal")
"Do you believe in miracles?" (Al Michaels, 1980 Winter Olympics)
"D'oh!" (Homer Simpson, "The Simpsons")"Don't make me angry . . ." (David Banner, "The Incredible Hulk")
"Dyn-o-mite" (J.J., "Good Times")
"Elizabeth, I'm coming!" (Fred Sanford, "Sanford and Son")
"Gee, Mrs. Cleaver . . ." (Eddie Haskell, "Leave it to Beaver")
"God'll get you for that" (Maude, "Maude")
"Good grief" (Charlie Brown, "Peanuts" specials)
"Good night, and good luck" (Edward R. Murrow, "See It Now")
"Good night, John Boy" ("The Waltons")
"Have you no sense of decency?" (Joseph Welch to Sen. McCarthy)
"Heh heh" (Beavis and Butt-head, "Beavis and Butt-head")
"Here it is, your moment of Zen" (Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show")
"Here's Johnny!" (Ed McMahon, "The Tonight Show")
"Hey now!" (Hank Kingsley, "The Larry Sanders Show")
"Hey hey hey!" (Dwayne Nelson, "What's Happening!!")
"Hey hey hey!" (Fat Albert, "Fat Albert")
"Holy (whatever), Batman!" (Robin, "Batman")
"Holy crap!" (Frank Barone, "Everybody Loves Raymond")
"Homey don't play that!" (Homey the Clown, "In Living Color")
"How sweet it is!" (Jackie Gleason, "The Jackie Gleason Show")
"How you doin'?" (Joey Tribbiani, "Friends")
"I can't believe I ate the whole thing" (Alka Seltzer ad)
"I know nothing!" (Sgt. Schultz, "Hogan's Heroes")
"I love it when a plan comes together" (Hannibal, "The A-Team")
"I want my MTV!" (MTV ad)
"I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl . . ." (Larry, "Newhart")
"I'm not a crook . .." (Richard Nixon)
"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV" (Vicks Formula 44 ad)
"I'm Rick James, bitch!” (Dave Chappelle as Rick James, "Chappelle's Show")
"If it weren't for you meddling kids!" (Various villains, "Scooby Doo, Where Are You?")
"Is that your final answer?" (Regis Philbin, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire")
"It keeps going and going and going . . ." (Energizer Batteries ad)
"It takes a licking . . ." (Timex ad)
"Jane, you ignorant slut" (Dan Aykroyd to Jane Curtin, "Saturday Night Live")
"Just one more thing . . ." (Columbo, "Columbo")
"Let's be careful out there" (Sgt. Esterhaus, "Hill Street Blues")
"Let's get ready to rumble!" (Michael Buffer, various sports events)
"Live long and prosper" (Spock, "Star Trek")
"Makin' whoopie" (Bob Eubanks, "The Newlywed Game")
"Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!" (Jan Brady, "The Brady Bunch")
"Mom always liked you best" (Tommy Smothers, "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour")
"Never assume . . ." (Felix Unger, "The Odd Couple")
"Nip it!" (Barney Fife, "The Andy Griffith Show")
"No soup for you!" (The Soup Nazi, "Seinfeld")
"Norm!" ("Cheers")
"Now cut that out!" (Jack Benny, "The Jack Benny Program")
"Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!" (Stan and Kyle, "South Park")
"Oh, my nose!" (Marcia Brady, "The Brady Bunch")
"One small step for man . . ." (Neil Armstrong)
"Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?" (Grey Poupon ad)
"Read my lips: No new taxes!" (George H.W. Bush)
"Resistance is futile" (Picard as Borg, "Star Trek: The Next Generation")
"Say good night, Gracie" (George Burns, "The Burns & Allen Show")
"Schwing!" (Mike Myers and Dana Carvey as Wayne and Garth, "Saturday Night Live")
"Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy" (Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle)
"Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids" (Trix cereal ad)
"Smile, you're on 'Candid Camera' " ("Candid Camera")
"Sock it to me" ("Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In")
"Space, the final frontier . . ." (Capt. Kirk, "Star Trek")
"Stifle!" (Archie Bunker, "All in the Family")
"Suit up!" (Barney Stinson, "How I Met Your Mother")
"Tastes great! Less filling!" (Miller Lite beer ad)
"Tell me what you don't like about yourself" (Dr. McNamara and Dr. Troy, "Nip/Tuck")
"That's hot" (Paris Hilton, "The Simple Life")
"The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat" (Jim McKay, "ABC's Wide World of Sports")
"The tribe has spoken" (Jeff Probst, "Survivor")
"The truth is out there" (Fox Mulder, "The X-Files")
"This is the city . . ." (Sgt. Joe Friday, "Dragnet")
"Time to make the donuts" ("Dunkin' Donuts" ad)
"Two thumbs up" (Siskel & Ebert, "Siskel & Ebert")
"Up your nose with a rubber hose" (Vinnie Barbarino, "Welcome Back, Kotter")
"We are two wild and crazy guys!" (Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd as Czech playboys, "Saturday Night Live")
"Welcome to the O.C., bitch” (Luke, "The O.C.")
"Well, isn't that special?" (Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, "Saturday Night Live")
"We've got a really big show!" (Ed Sullivan, "The Ed Sullivan Show")
"Whassup?" (Budweiser ad)
"What you see is what you get!" (Geraldine, "The Flip Wilson Show")
"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" (Arnold Drummond, "Diff'rent Strokes")
"Where's the beef?" (Wendy's ad)
"Who loves you, baby?" (Kojak, "Kojak")
"Would you believe?" (Maxwell Smart, "Get Smart")
"Yabba dabba do!" (Fred Flintstone, "The Flintstones")
"Yada, yada, yada" ("Seinfeld")
"Yeah, that's the ticket" (Jon Lovitz as the pathological liar, "Saturday Night Live")
"You eeeediot!" (Ren, "Ren & Stimpy")
"You look mahvelous!" (Billy Crystal as Fernando, "Saturday Night Live")
"You rang?" (Lurch, "The Addams Family")
"You're fired!" (Donald Trump, "The Apprentice")
"You've got spunk . . ." (Lou Grant, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show")
The atheist
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..." Time stopped.
The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny My existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen."
How to tell a grizzly bear from a black bear
Q: How do you tell the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear?
A: When you see the bear, climb a tree. If it climbs up the tree and kills you, it's a black bear. If it knocks the tree down and kills you, it's a grizzly bear.
15 Best Police Comments
The following 15 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country.
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I 'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
The envelope please...
AND THE WINNER IS....
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Nice hairnet, deer
This is the staggering sight of a buck mule deer who has got his antlers in a twist.
The impressive creature took it all in his stride after getting caught up in a bright purple volleyball net.
He is so taken with the unusual headgear a Colorado Division Wildlife officer decided to leave it on until his antlers naturally shed in February.
In the meantime, wardens in Durango are keeping a close eye on him to make sure he doesn't get himself in a knot.
From the Daily Mail in Great Britain
Payphone in middle of a lake
A surprising number of people seem to think this photo is a fake. It is not fake. It shows a Ugandan fisherman using a solar powered GSM phone. Solar powered + GSM enabled = no wires.
In other words, it's a cell phone. Like any cell phone, it can be used virtually anywhere, even from top of a post in the middle of a lake.
Dear Abby
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went
out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Dave
Thanks Tommy Salami
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Female bloggers
A group of female bloggers walk into a bar.
One of the female bloggers tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them.
The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks.
Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the female bloggers explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"
Three ladies
Three ladies were having tea and talking about life.
"I think my husband is having an affair" says the first "I found a pair of panties in his jacket pocket".
"What did you do" the second lady asked?
"I went into his office over the weekend and I stapled them to his office door, right where his secretary, co-workers, and boss would all see them."
The second lady said "I think that my husband is having an affair also. I found a condom in his jacket pocket."
"What did you do" the first lady asked.
"I took a pin and pricked it full of holes and then I put it back" said the second lady.
The third lady fainted.
Laundry
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
The cost of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" is on the rise -- again.
Buying each item in the song just once -- from a partridge in a pear tree to a dozen drummers drumming -- will cost you $18,920, or 3.1 percent more than last year, according to PNC Financial Services Group.
The total cost of items gifted by a True Love who repeats all of the song's verses costs more than ever before -- $75,122 -- for all 364 items, up from $72,608 in 2005, a 3.5 percent increase.
"After years of stagnation, wages for skilled workers, including the song's dancers and musicians, have increased as the labor market has tightened," said Jeff Kleintop, chief investment strategist for PNC Wealth Management. "Also, a decline in the housing market has dampened demand for luxury goods, such as gold rings."
While prices for the partridge, two turtle doves, three French hens, six geese and seven swans remained the same as last year, higher wages made the lords a-leaping, ladies dancing and pipers piping costlier.
The nine ladies dancing earned $4,759, 4 percent more, according to Philadanco, the Philadelphia Dance Co. The lords a-leaping got a 3-percent pay raise, while the drummers drumming and pipers piping earned 3.4 percent more.
The maids a-milking, however, weren't as lucky. They make the federal minimum wage, which has been $5.15 per hour since 1997.
Do you want flies with that?
Woman finds green worm in McDonald's burger
ST. PETERSBURG - You've heard of the worm in the apple. But the worm in the hamburger?
Here's the story:
On March 20, Murielle Glockson got really sick.
She said her fever spiked to nearly 104 degrees. She went to the emergency room and was admitted to the hospital for more than a week. She racked up more than $36,000 in medical bills while receiving treatment for a bacteria infection that threatened her kidneys and liver.
So what made her so ill?
That afternoon, Glockson, 70, a retiree from Largo, ate a McDonald's hamburger infected with "little green worms," she said.
Her husband, Henry, photographed the burger and one of the caterpillar-like worms, then brought the burger back to the restaurant, 5464 66th St. N. A manager took the hamburger back and offered Glockson a free one. She refused.
Hours later, Glockson said, she was violently ill. She was vomiting and suffering from head and stomach pains. That's when her daughter took her to the hospital.
"I thought I was a goner," Glockson said.
Earlier this month, Glockson and her husband filed a lawsuit against McDonald's, claiming the burger made her sick.
Glockson's lawyer, Charles Ehrlich, acknowledged that he can't prove that Glockson ate a worm, or even part of one. She found only the one worm in the burger and it was alive, intact and wiggling.
Glockson, who said she ate nearly all the burger before her husband saw that worm dangling from her mouth, thinks other worms were in the burger and that she ate them.
How else is there to explain how she became so ill? What are the chances, she says, that something else made her sick the very day she found a worm in her burger?
But McDonald's says there is no proof the burger caused Glockson's sickness. And some experts say they have doubts about that as well.
The new hospital wing
When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital,
the Allergists voted to scratch it
and the Dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The Gastro-enterologists had a Gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve,
and the Obstetricians stated they were laboring under a mis-conception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted;
the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!",
while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought it was madness;
the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing,
and the Radiologists could see right through it!
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow
but the Plastic Surgeon said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a Gas,
and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. And in the End,
the Proctologists left the decision up to some ass hole who didn't give a crap.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Thirsty businessman
A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, “Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now.” So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, “Bud Light please.”
The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, “What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis.”
The bartender, calming the man, said, “Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I’ll serve you a drink.”
The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, “Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I’ll order when I come up with something.”
So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can’t come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, “Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin.”
The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, “I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?”
Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, “Bartender, come here, I am ready to order.”
The bartender says, “What’ll ya have?”
The man says, “A Bud Light please.”
The bartender asks, “What is the name of your penis?”
The man responds, “Secret… strong enough for a man but made for a woman.”
The Differences Between Men And Women
NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
DINING OUT:
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: Go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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