Saturday, May 05, 2007
A man walked out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A street cop on his beat sees the guy and approaches him. "Can I help you, sir?" said the cop.
"Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replied.
The policeman asked, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?"
"It wassss at the end of thisss key." the man replied.
About that time, the officer looked down to see that the man's "thing" was hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asked the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looked down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "Oh, God. They got my girlfriend too!"
Posted 2:02 PM
- 1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
- 2. Always toast before doing a shot.
- 3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
- 4. Change your toast at least once a month.
- 5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
- 6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
- 7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
- 8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
- 9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
- 10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
- 11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
- 12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
- 13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
- 14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
- 15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
- 16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
- 17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
- 18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
- 19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
- 20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
- 21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
- 22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
- 23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
- 24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
- 25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
- 26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
- 27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
- 28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
- 29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
- 30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
- 31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
- 32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
- 33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
- 34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
- 35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
- 36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
- 37. Try one new drink each week.
- 38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
- 39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
- 40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
- 41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
- 42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
- 43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
- 44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
- 45. It's okay to drink alone.
- 46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
- 47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
- 48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
- 49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
- 50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
- 51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
- 52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
- 53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
- 54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
- 55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
- 56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
- 57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
- 58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
- 59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
- 60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
- 61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
- 62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
- 63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
- 64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
- 65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
- 66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
- 67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
- 68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
- 69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
- 70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
- 71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
- 72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
- 73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
- 74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
- 75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
- 76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
- 77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
- 78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
- 79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
- 80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
- 81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
- 82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
- 83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
- 84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
- 85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
- 86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
Posted 1:34 PM
It's a cat, you stick your pencil in its ass, it meows, and it sharpens your pencil.
- The Cat's Ass Sharpener, no reading between the lines required.
- Sharpen your pencils and crayons manually using the cat's bum.
- Shavings will fall neatly into the cat's litter tray (included).
- A 'meowing' sound chip is activated as you sharpen.
- The cat is made of plastic.
- Suitable for ages 16 years+.
- Size: 15 x 12 x 4 cm.
No animals were harmed in the making of this product. Don't try sharpening your pencil in a real cat if you value your life. Or even if you don't come to think of it.
Posted 1:02 PM
Friday, May 04, 2007
Here are just few:
Honey Bee: Exploding Testicles: The reproductive cycle of bees is fascinating - and complex. But here’s the short story: a queen is selectively bred in a special "queen cell" in the hive and fed royal jelly by worker bees to induce her to become sexually mature.
A virgin queen that survives to adulthood without being killed by her rivals will take a mating flight with a dozen or so male drones (out of tens of thousands eligible bachelors in the colony). But don’t call these drones lucky because during mating, their genitals explode and snap off inside the queen!
Strange as it is, this actually makes evolutionary sense: the snapped-off penis acts as a genital plug to prevent other drones from fertilizing the queen. But tell that to the dead drone whose penis just exploded.
Hyena: The Females Got Balls! Female hyenas wear the pants in the family. They’re bigger and stronger than the males. And definitely much more aggressive. Heck, they even got balls. Really.
A female hyena has a pseudopenis, basically an enlarged clitoris, that they can erect at will. To mate, the meeker male has to insert his penis into her pseudopenis. That’s difficult for the males, but still nothing compared to the female having to give birth through a penis!
Dolphin: That’s Not His Hand. Here’s something you probably don’t know about Flipper: he has retractable penis. And if that’s not cool enough, here’s something else: his penis is prehensile. And it swivels. In fact, a male dolphin can use his penis to explore objects just like a hand.
Male dolphins also have a very strong sex drive. It can mate many, many times in a day. Now here’s the bad news: male dolphins aren’t that much of a stud. The average time to ejaculation? 12 seconds.
Another hushed-up fact is that male dolphins have a ravenous sexual appetite: they often try to hump inanimate objects and even other animals like sea turtles. When a pack of male dolphins happen upon a female, often times they will attempt to force her to mate.
Posted 3:22 PM
Thursday, May 03, 2007
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 276, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Posted 8:01 PM
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name .
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Posted 7:43 PM
A South African man was stripped and superglued to his exercise bicycle and his mouth glued shut for hours by armed robbers who ransacked his home and helped themselves to his finest Scotch whiskey.
The man was hijacked at gunpoint in a wealthy suburb of Johannesburg and forced to lead the thieves to his home in another area, a spokesman for the emergency services told the SAPA news agency.
He was forced to strip before being superglued to the seat of his exercise bicycle. His hands and feet were also glued and his mouth sealed shut, the spokesman said.
Posted 7:27 PM
As you can see from this picture from Microsoft Live Search, there are a couple of escape hatches atop the 630 foot Gateway Arch in downtown St. Louis MO. But, where would you escape too? Could it be access to a giant slide to the ground… and surely your death? No. Actually there is a beacon on top of the Arch that needs to be changed every so often and that is what the doors are for. Not sure why there are two of them. Maybe they’re ventilation units.
Posted 7:12 PM
Posted 6:10 PM
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING : Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall !
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big breasts."
Posted 4:57 PM
Yikes, that’s my neighborhood!
Scientists have finally figured out what might have caused a series of devastating earthquakes that struck the Midwest nearly 200 years ago at a set of faults that has confused geologists for a long time.
And the results suggest the region, still seismically active today, is going to keep shaking for a long time, and another big one will hit on the same 500-year cycle that has rocked the Heartland for as far back as records, legends and memory serve.
The largest of three or four big seismic events that stretched from December 1811 to February 1812 is called the New Madrid Earthquake and had an estimated 8.0 magnitude, strong enough to cause the nearby Mississippi River to temporarily flow backward. Its epicenter was in the town of New Madrid in southeast Missouri, near the Kentucky and Tennessee state lines. Hundreds of aftershocks followed for several years.
The damage from the New Madrid quake was bad enough in the early 19th century—half of the town was destroyed, but with many more people and buildings now in the area, a similar event in the region today would be devastating, seismologists and engineers agree.
The seismic zone today generates about 200 tiny quakes annually, but it also let loose a magnitude 4.1 quake in February 2005 and a magnitude 4.0 quake in June 2005. The U.S. Geological Survey says there is a 9-in-10 chance of a magnitude 6 or 7 temblor occurring in this area within the next 50 years.
Posted 4:48 PM
Posted 4:02 PM
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
Posted 3:14 PM
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." "The act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms:
Internal Revenue Service
City/County Public Service
And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows.
BAM! It all came into perspective.
Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
Posted 6:59 PM
Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three universities, were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters." said the professor to the student from University of Tennessee, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness'" said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from University of Memphis.
"Elation," she said.
"And you, sir," he said to the student from University of Arkansas, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The student replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."
Posted 6:57 PM
In these irrationally exuberant times, it's getting harder and harder for the self-respecting pessimist to stay unhappy. So pervasive is the hope, so overwhelming the positivity, that without the firmest grip on your sullen perspective, you might actually lose it. Then one day, you wake up looking at the bright side, whistling some inane showtune, and generally annoying everyone around you.
Fortunately, we've created a solution. Despair, Inc. is proud to introduce The Pessimist's Mug? Specifically engineered by the chronically cynical pessimists of Despair Laboratories?, this crystal-clear mug will help all who drink from it to Stay Grounded? by forever reminding them to see when the glass is half-empty.
Posted 6:45 PM
Here are just a few:
- “Louie Louie” – The Kingsmen: Though the song was originally written by Richard Berry, the Kingsmen’s version was a huge hit and inspired an equally huge controversy when rumors spread the virtually inaudible lyrics were super dirty. The FBI even investigated the potentially un-American nastiness of the song’s message (their theories on what they lyrics say are hysterical) but ultimately it was concluded that the song was not bound to defile an entire generation of young minds.
- “Lola” – The Kinks: Thought to be about a beautiful woman, actually inspired by an incident in which Kinks’ manager Robert Wace spent a drunken night dancing with a transvestite he mistook for a woman.
- “Please Please Me” – The Beatles: Thought to be a cute little teenage love song, is actually about oral sex.
- “Hey Jude” – The Beatles: Some suspect the song is about taking heroin, it was actually written by Paul McCartney for John’s son Julian.
Posted 6:05 PM
Blogs exist on just about every variety of subject one can imagine. And more and more blogs come online each and every day. But what does it take to really have an active blog that people will subscribe to and come back again and again to read? It requires creativity. It requires dedication. Even more so, it requires an addiction to the act of blogging itself.
How about you? Are you a blog addict? Here are ten signs that may indicate that you have an addiction:
- Bloglines, Google Reader or some other RSS reader is constantly open on your computer's desktop.
- You tell customers that you missed a project deadline because "some things" came up but in reality, you were blogging.
- You periodically dream that you are blogging.
- You get inspiration for new blog posts at the strangest times - in the Jacuzzi, sitting on the toilet, during marital activities (cough, cough)... you get the picture.
- Before blogs, you used to tuck the kids into bed at night. Now you check for unapproved blog comments before heading to bed yourself.
- In order for your family to keep up with what's going on in your life, they have to read your blog. Furthermore, if they want to communicate with you, they have to comment on your blog.
- You have actually considered setting up a blog for your pet of which you would post the entries pretending you are your pet (weirdo).
- You can't remember dates for your wedding anniversary, kids birthdays, etc., but you know what your Technorati rank is.
- You blog about anything and everything including bad meals, your pets, getting your car stuck in snow, conversations you have in the bathroom, etc.
- Keeping a blog is no longer enough but you now have to record your every move on Twitter.
Posted 5:59 PM
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even care?
Thanks Joe P
Posted 5:07 PM
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "battleship mouth and rowboat ass".
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirrored sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guy's face and said, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an asshole!"
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross-examination, the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH', underlined."
Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"
Officer? "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."
Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"
Officer: "Yes, Sir?"
Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do."
Posted 5:03 PM
Monday, April 30, 2007
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf, enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
Came a businessman walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You are not going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman. "You should be working, rather than just lying on the beach."
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled, and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish," was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
"You will make money and be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish."
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and then you can hire some people to work for you!" he said, a little sharply.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
Furious, the businessman shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand? You can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
Still smiling, the fisherman looked up and said, "And what do you think I am doing right now?"
Posted 8:15 PM
This beautiful image of Saturn and its rings looks more like an artist’s creation than a real image, but in fact, the image is a composite (layered image) made from 165 images taken by the wide-angle camera on the Cassini spacecraft over nearly three hours on September 15, 2006.
Posted 7:47 PM
Sunday, April 29, 2007
29 year old St. Louis Cardinal reliever Josh Hancock was killed early this morning when his Ford Explorer rear-ended a tow truck on highway 40 in St. Louis. Josh pitched 3 pretty good innings against the Chicago Cubs yesterday. He had attended the annual Bob Costas Benefit fundraiser for SSM Cardinal Glennon Children’s Hospital last night.
There was quite a bit of flack locally because St. Louis Archbishop Raymond Burke stepped down from his post on the Board of Cardinal Glennon because Sheryl Crow was one of the perfomers. Miss Crow supports abortion rights and stem cell research. Billy Crystal also performed at the event.
It was five years ago when another Cardinal pitcher, Daryl Kyle, died suddenly in his hotel room in Chicago during another series with the Cubs.
Tonights game, schedules for 7:05 (CST) was postponed. It was supposed to be on ESPN.
More on the accident Photo by Owl from last falls World Series Victory Parade
Posted 6:41 PM
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now.
"How in heavens name did you find that out?"
And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
Posted 8:29 AM
A man walks into a restaurant and asks to see a menu.
The waiter says, "No need, Sir, we can get you anything you want."
So the man says sarcastically, mocking the waiter, "Very well, then I'd like a gorilla sandwich, please!"
The waiter replies, "I'm sorry, Sir, but I cannot get you that."
The man laughs and says, "I thought you could get me anything?!"
Says the waiter,"I'm sorry, we've run out of bread!"
Posted 8:14 AM
At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whoever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.
A few days after his death, the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.
The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "Okay, dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." The alarm fell silent.
She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he is calling from?"
Posted 8:13 AM
Nosefrida is a doctor recommended nasal aspirator that removes mucous from your child's nose. When your child has a cold with a runny stuffed nose, it can be frustrating when they can not blow their own nose. Congestion interferes with sleep, feeding and makes for an overall cranky child, and parent too.
Place the large tube at the child's nostril and the red part at the other end in your own mouth. Apply gentle suction to begin with, increasing suction as necessary until you see mucous in the large tube. The filter will protect you from getting anything near your own mouth.
I thought things were supposed to improve with technology. We used a similar device when our kids were small, but it had a ball at the end that you squeezed (like a turkey baster). We didn’t suck the snot out personally.
Posted 7:53 AM
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner, even if it is square.
Law of Visual Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Bio-mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee Temperature: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the cost of the carpet.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are!
Thanks Donnie Mac
Posted 7:43 AM