- Pass My Shotgun
- Psychotic Mood Shift
- Perpetual Munching Spree
- Puffy Mid-Section
- Pardon My Sobbing
- Pimples May Surface
- Pass My Sweatpants
- Pissy Mood Syndrome
- Plainly; Men Suck
- Potential Murder Suspect
Saturday, April 15, 2006
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk.
So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited lesbian!"
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Mrs. Clinton!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us"
Posted 12:09 PM
Mrs. Geroldi comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner… who lives with a female roommate Maria… During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his moms thoughts, Anthony volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you? “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her, just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote;
I’m not saying that you did take the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you did not
take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from his Momma which read……
I'm not saying that you do sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you do not sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the
sugar bowl under the pillow by now.
Posted 11:39 AM
Livia loves her Mazda Protege. She decided to make a few improvements to it.
Here is one such improvement…..
This advanced GPS system comes with the latest features: screen, buttons, electrical power.
Punch in satellite access code 210-555-9461 and ask for Rob. He'll give you directions.
Cost: $149 + $49 per month with 2 year contract.
More Mazda mods here. They include In Trunk Bookshelf, Driver-Controlled Gattling Gun, Rim Lights, Stock Trading Station.
Posted 11:25 AM
Here are the top ten according to JamesCampion.com:
1. 1980 USA Hockey Team Defeats Soviet Union Juggernaut 4-3 - 2/22/03
2. Cassius Clay Defeats Sonny Liston for Heavyweight Championship - 2/25/64
3. Jackie Robinson Signs a Major League Contract with the Brooklyn Dodgers - 10/30/45
4. Babe Ruth is Sold from the Boston Red Sox to the New York Yankees - 1/3/20
5. Jessie Owens Debunks Aryan Myth - 8/9/36
6. Bob Beamon Shatters Long Jump World Record - 10/18/68
7. Roger Bannister Breaks Four Minute Mile - 5/6/54
8. Joe Namath Guarantees Victory as an 18-Point Underdog in Super Bowl and Wins - 1/12/69
9. Tiger Woods Becomes Youngest Masters Champ in Record and Barrier Breaking Fashion - 4/13/97
10. Lou Gehrig's "Luckiest Man" Farewell Speech - 7/4/39
Posted 10:58 AM
Friday, April 14, 2006
From Wikipedia the free web encyclopedia:
Fucking— rhymes approximately with English "looking") is a small settlement (population c. 150), part of the municipality of Tarsdorf, in the Innviertel region of western Upper Austria, located at 48°02'59?N, 12°50'59?E, bordering Bavaria. It is near the city of Salzburg. The village is known to have existed as "Fucking" since at least 1070 and is named after a man from the 6th century called Focko. "Ing" is an old Germanic suffix meaning "people"; thus Fucking, in this case, means "place of Focko's people".
The name, spelled identically to the gerund form of the often-used English profanity "fuck", is often found amusing by Anglophones. In German the name has no obvious associations, amusing or otherwise, although most German speakers are aware of the English word. The German cognate of "to fuck", regarded as equally vulgar to the English word, is ficken.
The settlement's most famous feature is a traffic sign with its name on it beside which English-speaking tourists often stop to have their photograph taken. The sign is the most commonly stolen street sign in Austria. Significant amounts of public funds are spent on replacing the stolen signs. In August 2005 the road signs were replaced with theft-proof signs welded to steel and secured in cement to make the signs harder to take.
In 2004, owing to the stolen signs and embarrassment over the name, a vote was held on changing the name, but the residents voted against doing so.
Posted 4:52 PM
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the three hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The six bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the three bars I left today, as my instructions from the management are to leave three soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added three little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left three hotel soaps which we are instructed to do by the management. I took the six soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the three complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday.
Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.
If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another three bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of three bars on the bath-room shelf.
In just five days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.
Why are you doing this to me?
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps.
If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave three bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here?!
All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them.
The 24 Camays which had been taken and the three Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the three daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item: I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
Posted 4:25 PM
From the list of 200 Amazing Secrets!:
- 1. Remove a broken key from a lock. * Put some super glue on broken off part, insert, hold a few seconds and pull.
- 7. Repair small holes in screen. * Plug holes with clear nail polish, let dry, repeat until filled.
- 17. Cut glass without a glass cutter. * Use tin snips and cut under water, smooth rough edges off with knife blade. (Have my doubts about this one)
- 23. Open that stuck zip. * Spray the stuck zip with shaving foam.
- 33. When your pet has no appetite. * Try a saucer of beer. It's known to perk up the appetite. (Works for me)
- 42. Messless painting from a bucket. * Punch several holes around rim of can with small nail.
- 49. Keep piano keys looking new. * Keep cover open, ivory turns dark if exposed to darkness.
- 55. The $25 beauty facial. * Spread milk of magnesia over face, let dry, cover again, let dry, remove with dampcloth, then apply some warm olive oil, then apply some ice cold witch hazel. (You go first!)
- 72. How to destroy fish smells. * Rub butter on your hands or wherever smell is to be removed.
- 78. Eliminate popcorn duds -fast. * Freeze it first then it will all pop.
- 107. Rid scratches from plastic watches. * Use cotton bud dipped in nail polish remover, rub over face, scratch disappears.
- 149. When you need heavy duty thread. * Use dental floss.
- 194. The best way to slice onions. * Freezing them first.
Posted 3:40 PM
Thursday, April 13, 2006
- If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us.
- Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, Put it down.
- Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, by then, you are stuck with her.
- If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
- Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
- Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as; navel lint, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.
- Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
- Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
- When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
- You have enough clothes.
- You have too many shoes.
- Crying is blackmail.
- Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
- Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
- No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
- Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
- Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
- Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
- Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
- Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
- Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
- It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take any relationship quizes together.
- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 3 days (the next day if we were drunk).
Posted 5:39 PM
Posted 5:36 PM
I rode this ride a couple weeks ago when I was in Florida. It was awesome!
My friend Bob thought he was going to puke because of the bottle of wine he drank at dinner. (He didn’t.)
My brother Paul was too chicken to go… he rode it once before and said he’ll never ride it again.
From The Disney Blog:
Sad news to report today. A second fatality in less than a year of a guest who complained of feeling ill after riding Epcot's Mission: Space attraction. This time a 49 year old woman from Germany was reportedly ill after riding the g-force intensive space simulator. She was transported to a hospital and later died. There are some reports that she may had suffered from some pre-existing conditions.
Previously a 4-year old boy died after riding Mission: Space. An autopsy later revealed an undiagnosed heart condition that was the cause of death.
Mission: Space was closed after the park learned the woman was in grave condition. State inspectors were then called in. It is unknown if the ride will return to regular operation tomorrow. But it did open the next day after the 4-year old boy died and the ride was found to be operating as normal.
Update: Disney has re-opened Mission:Space less than one day after closing it for inspection.
Posted 5:31 PM
When engineers reconstructed downtown Austin's Congress Avenue Bridge in 1980 they had no idea that new crevices beneath the bridge would make an ideal bat roost. Although bats had lived there for years, it was headline news when they suddenly began moving in by the thousands. Reacting in fear and ignorance, many people petitioned to have the bat colony eradicated.
As the city came to appreciate its bats, the population under the Congress Avenue Bridge grew to be the largest urban bat colony in North America. With up to 1.5 million bats spiraling into the summer skies, Austin now has one of the most unusual and fascinating tourist attractions anywhere.
Posted 5:02 PM
Florida prison system hires a ringer to win softball tournament
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. – The state Corrections Department put a former minor league baseball player on the payroll in a no-show job so that he could help prison guards win a softball tournament, investigators say.
The ringer, Mark Guerra, 34, agreed to repay $1,400 and complete 50 hours of community service, state Attorney General Charlie Crist said Wednesday.
Guerra was charged with accepting paychecks for work never done at a prison library. Investigators said he accepted the money to play on the winning team in a tournament held last May by Corrections Secretary Jim Crosby.
Crosby was fired by Gov. Jeb Bush last month.
“It is disturbing that a state agency would place so much importance on a team sport that it would stoop to committing crimes,” Crist said.
Posted 4:57 PM
Borrowed in it’s entirety from J-Walk Blog
A woman's skeleton was discovered in her flat three years after she is believed to have died, it emerged today.
Joyce Vincent was surrounded by Christmas presents and the television and heating in her bedsit were still on.
The 40-year-old's body was so decomposed that the only way to identify her was to compare dental records with a holiday photograph.
Police believe she probably died of natural causes in early 2003, and was only found in January this year when housing association officials broke into the bedsit in Wood Green, North East London.
How can this happen?
Who paid the rent… or utilities?
What about the smell of decaying flesh?
Wouldn’t the mail man notice her mail piling up for 3 years?
The BBC also reported on this story here. This story answers some of the questions just posed.
Posted 4:40 PM
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Posted 4:13 PM
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"
The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?
Posted 4:02 PM
Coming this summer to Chicago…
Exotic Coach unveils yet another exclusive luxury vehicle. Presenting the LimoJet.™ A one-of-a-kind custom jet converted into the utmost unique limo experience. This monster is created by Jetmousine LLC, a custom manufacturer of patent-pending Jetmousines, Learmousines and LimoJets for the transportation, corporate and high net worth market.
» Accommodates 16–18 Passengers
» Color: Candy Apple Red
» Interior: Black and Red
» 30" Chrome Wheels, Sponsored by DUB™.
» Spacious Seating
» (1) 42" Plasma Screen
» (4) Large Flat Screen TVs
» DVD player
» Laser, Strobe Lights, Disco Ball
» 4,500 Watt Stereo with CD Player
» Theater Surround Sound
» Realistic Jet Engine Cranking System and More
Posted 2:37 PM
Patent for fart-powered missile launcher
From the USPTO entry for Michael Zanakis and Philip Femano's toy missile launcher powered by farts:
[T]he main object of this invention is to provide a safe toy which exploits the combustible properties of flatus to fire a toy missile into space.
More particularly an object of this invention is to provide a toy gas-fired missile and launcher assembly collect in a combustion chamber an explosive mixture derived from a colonic mixture emanating from the operator of the toy. Among the significant features of the invention are the following: A. the toy assembly includes a hand-held unitary launcher. B. Little skill and minimal safety precautions are required to operate the launcher; hence the operator may even be a child. C. While the assembly explodes a mixture of air and colonic gas, it is hazard-free, for the explosive is safely confined.
(...) To operate the assembly, the player who may be fully clothed places the inlet of the tube with its valve open adjacent his anal region from which a colonic gas is discharged. The piston is then withdrawn to a degree producing a negative pressure to inhale the gas into the combustion chamber to intermix with the air therein to create a combustible mixture. The ignitor is then activated to explode the gas in the chamber and fire the missile into space.
My friend Mick could launch a few rockets….that’s for sure.
Posted 2:09 PM
Licking your Toilet Seat is Healthier than Typing on your Keyboard
According to this study funded by Clorox, keyboards have 265 times more bacteria on them than a toilet seat. I’m pretty lucky that I’m not a hypochondriac because I’d probably be turning quite mad after reading this. Surprisingly, toilet seats had the lowest level of bacteria of the 12 surfaces tested in this study.
“We don’t think twice about eating at our desks, even though the average desk has 100 times more bacteria than a kitchen table and 400 times more bacteria than the average toilet,” Gerba said. “Without cleaning, a small area on your desk or phone can sustain millions of bacteria that could potentially cause illness.” Source: MarketWire
Posted 2:02 PM
1) Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But then I repeat myself
2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
.............George Bernard Shaw
4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
............G. Gordon Liddy
5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
............James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
......Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at
7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
...............P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
..........Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
.........Ronald Reagan (1986)
10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
12) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
13) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
.........Pericles (430 B.C.)
14) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
....Mark Twain (1866)
15) Talk is cheap ... except when Congress does it.
16) The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
17) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
18) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
19) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
.......Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
20) There is no distinctly native American criminal class... save Congress.
21) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
.......Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
22) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
Posted 1:08 PM
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
This happened about five minutes from my house.
From Fox2 News in St. Louis….
THIEVES CAUGHT AFTER BOTCHED GAS STATION BURGLARY
Two suspects are now in police custody after their plan to steal gas and beer fails. Surveillance cameras at the Shell gas station in Herculaneum (MO) show two suspects trying to cover their license plate as they stole gas. The clerk became suspicious when the men were fooling with the truck's tailgate at the pump. The passenger went inside to use the bathroom, and after the driver filled his gas tank, he backed up with the passenger side door open for a quick getaway. After the passenger grabbed a case of beer and ran out the door, the case broke in the parking lot breaking all the beer bottles. He fell on his head, then climbed in and took off with only a stolen tank of gas. The clear surveillance video helped police capture the suspects several hours later. Their names have not been released, but the driver is 18 years old and the passenger who took the beer is 20. Both are charged with stealing and possession of alcohol.
They aired the surveillance video on Channel 2 here, but so far I’ve only been able to find this still shot from the video. The video is really funny when you see the idiot jump into the truck with the beer and then fall out before he can close the door as the driver pulls away. They also stole some beer at a gas station about ten minutes down the highway.
If I can find the actual video online I’ll post a link.
UPDATE: Here's a link to the actual video.
Posted 6:28 PM