A stupid person's guide to life

• Don’t throw a brick straight up.
• Don't take naps in the road.
• The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
• If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
• Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
• Don't shave with a lawn mower.
• Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.
• The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."
• Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.
• Don't lick dry ice.
• Don't microwave yourself.
• If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free.
• If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
• Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
• When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

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