Saturday, May 06, 2006
George Bush dies and goes straight to Hell
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and out and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in Hell. "No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Ronald Reagan with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush looked in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Okay, Monica, you're free to go."
Windows XP EULA in Plain English
Ever wonder what the Windows XP End User License Agreement (EULA) that you agreed to when you first used Windows XP really means? Click here to find out… in layman’s terms.
Interesting…. and surprisingly, I guess there are no real surprises.
Turtle ends up in newly poured concrete floor
Stowaway turtle survives a 4 hour ordeal
"You’re in the lakes next to our stockpiles and turtles will crawl out and (sun)bathe themselves on a pile and may fall asleep or something," said Marchi, a 30-year veteran of the concrete business.
Being scooped, dropped and mashed in a violent soup of gravel, sand and concrete was only the beginning for the armored reptile.
The turtle also survived the churning trip inside the concrete truck. And at the job site, the lumpy mixture was pumped up a tube and dumped out. The entire odyssey would have lasted more than four hours.
"It was quite a journey," Marchi said.
Then it survived the trowel machine, which uses rotating blades and its quarter-ton weight to smooth nearly cured concrete.
"The guy thought it was a piece of wire mesh until it started moving," said Marchi, who recalled finding turtles and even a snake on jobs. "It’s not unusual to get critters."
The centipede
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my fucking shoes."
Even beggars are going high tech
Online begging
FYI: I went to www.sparechange.com and it’s a website for a San Diego band called Spare Change. So I guess the guy in the picture is lying just like the guy with the sign that says “Will work for food”, when he really needs money for alcohol or cigarettes.
Natural Disasters: Top 10 U.S. Threats
Government officials are evaluating and revising disaster plans around the United States in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, just as they did after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. While war and automobiles kill more people than nature, find out what natural disasters top scientists’ worry lists. Here are the top 10:
10. Pacific Northwest Megathrust Earthquake Geologists know it’s just a matter of time before another 9.0 or larger earthquake strikes somewhere between Northern California and Canada. The shaking would be locally catastrophic, but the biggest threat is the tsunami that would ensue from a fault line that’s seismically identical to the one that caused the deadly 2004 tsunami in Indonesia. - 9. New York Hurricane
Major hurricanes have made direct hits on the boroughs before, but the interval between them is so long that people forget, and officials fear they might not take evacuation orders seriously. The larger problem: It would take nearly 24 hours to make a proper evacuation of New York City, but hurricanes move more swiftly as they race north, so real warning time could be just a few hours. - 8.
Asteroid Impact Scientists can’t say when the next devastating asteroid impact will occur. Odds are it won’t be for decades or centuries, but an unknown space rock could make a sucker punch any time. Many experts say planning to deal with a continent-wide catastrophe should begin now. - 7. Los Angeles Tsunami
An earthquake fault just off Southern California could generate a major quake and a $42 billion tsunami that would strike so fast many coastal residents would not have time to escape. Add to that the unprecedented destruction from the earthquake’s shaking, and the situation would be reminiscent of Hurricane Katrina. - 6. Supervolcano
It probably won’t happen for hundreds or possibly even millions of years, but nobody really knows when Yellowstone will blow again, destroying life for hundreds of miles around and burying half the country in ash up to 3 feet (1 meter) deep. - 5. Midwest Earthquake
It has been nearly two centuries since a series of three magnitude-8 quakes shook the then-sparsely populated Midwest, centered near New Madrid, Missouri. Another big one is inevitable. Now the region is heavily populated, yet building codes are generally not up to earthquake snuff. What’s more, geology east of the Rockies causes quakes to be felt across a much wider region. Shelves would rattle from Boston to South Carolina. Some homes along the Mississippi would sink into oblivion. - 4. Heat Waves
Heat waves kill more U.S. residents than any other natural disaster. As many as 10,000 people have died in past events. As urban areas get hotter, electricity systems are strained and the population ages, the risk grows.- 3. East Coast Tsunami
It seems no coast is immune to the threat of tsunami. For the Eastern United States, the likeliest scenario is waves kicked up by an asteroid splashing into the ocean. Astronomers already have their eye on one rock that could hit in the distant future, but the cosmos could hold a surprise, too. - 2. Gulf Coast Tsunami
A fault line in the Caribbean has generated deadly tsunamis before. Up to 35 million people could be threatened by one in the not-to-distant future, scientists say.- 1. Total Destruction of Earth
Okay, so nobody is spending too much time worrying about what to do if the planet is annihilated, but at least one person has seriously pondered whether and when it could happen. From being sucked into a black hole to being blown up by an antimatter reaction, there are scientifically plausible risks of an event that would render this whole list moot.- 9. New York Hurricane
Friday, May 05, 2006
10,000th shoplifter award
What a good idea. Reward the shoplifter. Being a shop owner I can relate to the frustrations of shoplifting. This store manager’s enthusiasm is just a tad too much. It’s original though. I have to give him that.
Not Murphy's Law
What follows are some corollaries to Murphy's Law.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it for the worse.
Jack Bauer caught with his pants down
JACK!!!!
When 24 star Kiefer Sutherland decides to party, he doesn’t just let his hair down. His pants come down too – and his underwear. During a drinking session at Dimples karaoke bar in LA, the Hollywood heartthrob decided to show off a few dimples of his own.
Loss of natural teeth
The redneck stereotype is alive and well. Here are the top 13 in ranking of states where people have lost ALL of their natural teeth. It doesn’t say if they’re toothless of if they got dentures. Let’s guess.
DEFINITION: Adults aged 65+ who have had all their natural teeth extracted.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Got stupid friends? Google it!
Vanilla pudding chocolate chip cookies
Below is the winning chocolate chip cookie recipe from the Good Foods Festival over the past weekend. The 'secret' ingredient that won over the judges being vanilla pudding mix:
Vanilla Pudding Chocolate Chip Cookies
1 cup unsalted butter, melted, cooled
1 cup lightly packed brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
102 g box instant vanilla pudding mix
2 tbsp milk
2 large eggs
2 tsp pure vanilla extract
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp each: baking powder, baking soda
2 cups milk chocolate chips
In large mixing bowl, using wooden spoon, mix butter and sugars until creamy. Stir in pudding mix and milk, then eggs and vanilla. Add flour, baking powder and baking soda; stir until batter is smooth. Stir in chocolate chips.
Drop batter by heaping tablespoonsful on non-stick cookie sheets (about 12 per sheet). Bake, in batches, in preheated 350F oven 12 minutes or until edges are lightly browned. Cool 10 minutes on cookie sheet. Transfer cookies to wire rack to cool completely. Store in airtight container.
Makes about 36.
Inflatable doll
A guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Thanks Phyllis
1,200 pound man seeks life-saving surgery in Italy
A Mexican man who at 550 kg (1,200 lb) is possibly the heaviest person in the world hopes to travel to Italy for a life-saving operation to shed weight.
Manuel Uribe, bedridden for the past five years, cannot stand on his own and will need a special flight to take him from Monterrey, Mexico to Modena, where a surgical team has offered to perform an intestinal bypass free of charge.
"I can't walk. I'm can't leave my bed," the 40-year-old Uribe, who weighs the same as five baby elephants said in a recent telephone interview.
How to eat a watermelon
This is a clip for a 1970s TV programmed by civil rights activist Petey Greene.
“Don’t cut the insides out of no watermelon and mix it with nothin else.”
“Don’t put no two sticks around no corn on a roastin ear…”
Film at elevenHow to make fire using a condom
Fill it with water and squeeze it into a circular shape and use as a magnifying glass…sort of.
The more sphericle, the better the lens works. If the condom is too big, it becomes a squashed sphere and it's focal point becomes distorted, like a line instead of a tight circle. Sometimes just giving the condom a squeeze in the right axis will bring the light back to a nice tight circle.
Satisfaction
How To Satisfy A Woman Every Time
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again..
How To Satisfy A Man Every Time
Show up naked.
May is Motorcycle Awareness Month
Something to think about as you drive your car….
I saw you,
hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line.
But, you didn't see me,
put an extra $10.00 in the collection plate last Sunday.
I saw you,
pull your child closer when we passed each other on the sidewalk.
But, you didn't see me,
playing Santa at the local mall.
change your mind about going into the restaurant.
But, you didn't see me,
attending a meeting to raise more money for the hurricane relief.
roll up your window and shake your head when I drove by.
But, you didn't see me,
driving behind you when you flicked your cigarette butt out the car window.
frown at me when I smiled at your children.
But, you didn't see me,
when I took time off from work to run toys to the homeless.
stare at my long hair.
But, you didn't see me,
and my friends cut ten inches off for Locks of Love.
roll your eyes at our leather coats and gloves.
But, you didn't see me,
and my brothers donate our old coats and gloves to those that had none.
look in fright at my tattoos.
But, you didn't see me,
cry as my children where born and have their name written over and in my heart.
change lanes while rushing off to go somewhere.
But, you didn't see me,
going home to be with my family.
complain about how loud and noisy our bikes can be.
But, you didn't see me,
when you were changing the CD and drifted into my lane.
yelling at your kids in the car.
But, you didn't see me,
pat my child's hands, knowing he was safe behind me.
reading the newspaper or map as you drove down the road.
But, you didn't see me,
squeeze my wife's leg when she told me to take the next turn.
race down the road in the rain.
But, you didn't see me,
get soaked to the skin so my son could have the car to go on his date.
I saw you,
run the yellow light just to save a few seconds of time.
But, you didn't see me,
trying to turn right.
cut me off because you needed to be in the lane I was in.
But, you didn't see me,
leave the road.
waiting impatiently for my friends to pass.
But, you didn't see me.
I wasn't there.
go home to your family.
But, you didn't see me.
Because, I died that day you cut me off.
A person with friends and a family.
But, you didn't see me.
~Anonymous
Thanks Phyllis
Rollercoaster can cause your brain to bleed
A doctor has warned about the hidden dangers of rollercoaster riding after a woman suffered blood clots on the brain.
The unnamed 24-year-old woman rode several of the fastest rides at a Japanese amusement park, including the Fujiyama, reputed to be one of the fastest and highest roller coasters in the world.
It is thought that the violent head movements endured during the rides could have burst veins on the surface of the brain.
How To Force an Elevator to Go Straight to Your Floor Without Stopping
Not sure if this works, but it’s interesting.
1) Get in the elevator.
2) Decide which floor you want to go to.
3) Extend both index fingers.
4) Press the button for the floor that you want to go to, and the door close button at the same time, and hold them down for five seconds.
5) Laugh at all of the people that are waiting on an elevator while you go right past them.
This doesn't work on all elevators, but it works on all Otis models, and a few miscellaneous others. On the Otis models, it isn't required to hold the button combination down for five seconds- only that they are pressed simultaneously. I don't know about any others- maybe that's where the five second thing matters.
Comments:
- with no door close button, I've seen pushing both the current and destination floors work...on an older one
- Another trick someone taught me is that if you pick the wrong floor, pushing (not simultaneously obviously) all of the buttons will clear the list of floors selected, and you just have to hit the one you want. I'm not sure if it works on all brands, or just the one in my office.
- I don't know, there's an Otis elevator in my dorm and this doesn't work.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
And you thought you were having a bad day
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries.
Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest fire and emptied.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998.
The pilot's plan...
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay".
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear. He's gotta take a shit first."
Thanks Phyllis
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