Saturday, March 31, 2007
We had a trivia contest last Saturday and one of the questions was “Do you normally eat Spotted Dick warm or cold?” Of course it got a lot of laughs. I
had looked it up and found out that the pudding is usually eaten hot.
Then today, I ran across this picture. I’d never heard of Spotted dick before the trivia night.
Posted 5:26 PM
The reactable, is a multi-user electronic music instrument with a tabletop tangible user interface. Several simultaneous performers share ... all » complete control over the instrument by moving physical objects on a luminous table surface. By moving and relating these objects, representing components of a classic modular synthesizer, users can create complex and dynamic sonic topologies, with generators, filters and modulators, in a kind of tangible modular synthesizer or graspable flow-controlled programming language.
Posted 10:16 AM
Friday, March 30, 2007
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer has killed more men than he has spoken to.
If the show was called "Bauer: Texas Ranger" the show would still be in production.
Nobody speaks while Jack Bauer speaks, which is why the entire world is silent for approximately 1 hour on Mondays.
Jack Bauer kills a an average of one person an hour. Including that in any algebraic equation suddenly makes math a hell of a lot more interesting.
50 million people can't be wrong...unless Jack Bauer says so.
Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a fucking terrorist.
Nostradamus once predicted in his journal: "In the century 21st, the one known as Jacques will be the savior of the world... five seasons in a row." Moments later, Jack Bauer knocked down the door, shot Nostradamus in the kneecaps, and yelled "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!"
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walked into a bar... and Jack Bauer is going to find out why...
Posted 8:04 PM
Rarely seen pics of the process. Fantastic photos of the Discovery shuttle being prepared for flight. Here are just a few:
External fuel tank delivered by barge from MS.
Arriving at VAB at NASA.
VAB = Vertical Assembly Building
Unloading fuel tank.
Lifting the tank.
Attaching the engines.
Lifting the shuttle.
Attaching the shuttle to the tanks.
Shuttle leaves VAB for launch pad.
Posted 7:52 PM
The reason why you aren't a millionaire (or on your way to becoming one) is really quite simple. You probably assume it's because you aren't earning enough money, but the truth is that for most people, whether or not you become a millionaire has very little to do with the amount of money you make. It's the way that you treat money in your daily life.
Here are 10 possible reasons you aren't a millionaire:
1. You Care What Your Neighbors Think: Gotta keep up with the Joneses
2. You Aren't Patient: I was a patient when I had my tonsils out …twice
3. You Have Bad Habits: Is blogging a bad habit?
4. You Have No Goals: I’m a spectator in sports
5. You Haven't Prepared: I was prepared when I was a boy scout a hundred years ago…. but I forgot all I knew
6. You Try to Make a Quick Buck: A buck in the hand is worth two in the bush
7. You Rely on Others to Take Care of Your Money: Any my laundry
8. You Invest in Things You Don't Understand: That covers a lot of territory
9. You're Financially Afraid: I’m a scaredy cat
10. You Ignore Your Finances: Do you know me?
OK, now that I’ve got that silliness out of me, here are the details of each of the reasons you’re not rich. They really do make sense.
Posted 6:50 PM
Thursday, March 29, 2007
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN"
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She ! does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING- DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED"
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE".
Posted 6:49 PM
1. Beer bellies are cool, and a good one will keep Snobbish girls from pestering you.
2. A good one can double as a TV tray for chips and beer
3. It is a great way to meet cute Cardiologists.
4. Beer bellies have a lot room for more tattoos when your arms and back are full.
5. The belly button can store up to eight one dollar coins for the parking meter.
6. Big beer bellies make the best waves and splashes when you do belly flops in the pond.
7. And with a big beer belly, there is more of to love.
Posted 6:04 PM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories." Johnny, do you have a story to share? "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara."
"She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking".
Posted 5:44 PM
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." Thanks Donnie Mac
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Thanks Donnie Mac
Posted 5:23 PM
After two beers…
After three glasses of wine…
After four Kamikazes….
After a few shared bottles of wine….
After a few margaritas….
After two bottles of Jack Daniels….
And after an evening of two beers, three wines, four Kamikazes, margaritas and that bottle of Jack shared with those friends in Mexico.
Thanks Donnie Mac
Posted 5:14 PM
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?"
She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning ... You don't."
Posted 5:13 PM
Gambling superstitions abound the gaming industry. None of these has been proven accurate, but they’re still heavily believed.
- Wear red, especially underwear (originally a Chinese superstition, but now widely recognized).
- Check into a room with 8 in the number.
- Stack your chips neatly.
- Sit on a handkerchief.
- Carry a snake's tooth.
- Sit astride your chair.
- Switch on all the lights at home before you go out to gamble. (At least you're less likely to get burgled, but luckier at the tables?)
- Keep a horny-toad toenail on your person. (First catch your horny toad.)
- Gamble with borrowed money. (Hmm, doesn't sound like such a good strategy to us)
- For crap players: Blow on the dice to breathe life into them/seal in the good luck during a winning streak; give the dice to a woman who's never rolled them before; or rub them on the head of a redhead.
- For slots: Wait until someone gets up from a machine that hasn't paid out in a long time and play that one, as it's now "due" to hit; play a coin with a hole in it to change your luck.
- For women, gamble while you have your period.
- For men, stay away from sex and females.
- If you're Filipino, bring your wife to the game if she's pregnant, or they let a pregnant women play for you.
- If you're Chinese, stay away from monks and nuns before gambling.
- Change machine/dice/cards if things aren't going your way.
- Wish a player good luck.
- Lend money while gambling.
- Pick up cards with your left hand.
- In poker: Count your chips/money at the table; or allow anyone to look over your shoulder; or sit at the #10 seat; or drop a card during a game.
- In craps: Play at an empty ("cold") table, or say -- or even think -- the word "seven"; or allow a male who's never rolled the dice before to roll; or allow the dice to roll off the table; or speak to or touch someone who's having a good roll.
- In blackjack: Cut the deck (or you might get blamed for a "bad shoe"); or look at your double-down card (although for some people, to look is lucky),
- Let dogs anywhere near a gambling table.
- Touch someone's shoulder while he/she is gambling.
- Enter a casino through the main door.
- Talk about books around Chinese gamblers (the word "book" sounds like the word "lose").
Posted 4:09 PM
10 pet peeves that dogs have about humans:
1. Blaming your farts on me.. not funny.. not funny at all !!!
2 Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo What a proud moment for the top of the
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these thing's. We both know who's boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you ???
Posted 3:53 PM
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Right now we’re standing at 2,006,334 hits. These are visits to the Bits & Pieces website. We’re closing in on 3 million page hits (visiting other pages while you’re here.)
We’re averaging 8,109 hits a day now. That’s a little higher than it has been. It seems that it’s been in the 5,000–6,000 range recently. It’ll probably level off to the 5,000 to 6,000 daily hits again soon.
Keep in mind that I really don’t .. and can’t, verify most things that I post here. I just look for things that I find funny or interesting in one way or another. It’s amazing how many people want to know details about posts, and I don’t have any more details. I try to credit my source most of the time.
I do appreciate any corrections and comments you all might have. I do this just for fun and appreciate it when someone sends something that I think you readers would enjoy.
I’m always amazed at the posts that get a lot of comments. It’s usually not the posts I expect to receive comments. The two posts that have received the most attention and comments are the Jesus’ image in a dogs butt (Sept 06) and the shiny ball of mud (Jan 06).
Thanks to all of you who visit regularly. I still enjoy doing this and will continue until I don’t enjoy it anymore.
Thank you…. Thank you…. Thank you…. Thank you….
Posted 9:36 PM
Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.
Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat.
Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12"
The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
Bauer is not word, it is a sentence...A death sentence.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's f#cking beef.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
Posted 8:48 PM
12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.
11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass All Day.
10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.
8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
7. I wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid she'd win.
6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
5. I'm So Miserable without you, It's like you're Still Here.
4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By now.
3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.
2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.
And the number 1 Country Song is:
1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few
Thanks Joe P
Posted 8:37 PM