Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter....
First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.
Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?"
Second Woman : "My dog told me."
Any farm-savvy secret agent can tell you that it's always a good idea to keep abreast of livestock-stupefying techniques. A chickens brain is small enough to be eclipsed by a dime, and is therefore a particularly easy subject. You'll need A) an ordinary chicken, and B) a finger. In the old days they used chalk, but a plain old finger or a stick does the job just as well.
Start by holding the chickens head against the ground, and place the tip of your finger on the ground right in front of the chickens beak. Then, while holding the chickens head, use your finger to draw a straight line directly away from it. It will quickly enter a trance-like state with significantly reduced heart and respiration rates, and will remain this way for anywhere from fifteen seconds to several hours. Most of the time, it's on the order of a few minutes before the bird normalizes.]
It’s that time of year already. Thanksgiving is over and you’re ready to start putting up your Christmas lights.
Before you do, take a look at this 3 minute video. It’ll give you something to aspire to.
Note: If you should undertake this project, it will most likely require that you clear your calendar from now until Christmas.
Watch Wizards of Winter (with music). Worth your time.
Condom in a Can debuts in China
Nov 21, 2005. China's first liquid condom went on sale today after the country's health and drugs administration formally gave the hi-tech prophylactic the thumbs-up, the China Daily reports.
Dubbed the Nanometer-silver Cryptomorphic Condom (NCC), it's designed for female rather than male usage. The condom-in-a-can is essentially an antiseptic foam spray that the manufacturer claims forms a physical membrane inside the vagina, protecting it from infection, acting as a barrier to pregnancy and providing a lubricating effect.
"It can remain in the vagina for a long time without destroying the vagina's chemical balance," the company adds. "Daily use of this product can help maintain genital hygiene and prevent infection by pathogens".
Here are just a few:
Sammy Sosa was disabled after a violent sneeze.
Entering an eating contest? Here are some tips.
Here are some record holders acording to the International Federation of Competitive Eating:
The Hemor~Rite Cryotherapy Device is a simple, do-it-yourself, means to reduce or remove hemorrhoids.
It works by apply freezing temperatures directly to the inflamed tissue.
You store the device in your freezer until it becomes ice-cold. Then you apply some lube to the protruding part, and stick it in your butt. You hold it there for about 6-8 minutes until it assumes body temperature. Then you remove it, wash it off, and put it back in the freezer. You do this four times a day.
The freezing cold temperature effectively shrinks the inflamed tissue. Repeating the process as directed eventually causes your hemorrhoids to go away.
I suppose it gives a new meaning to the term, "freezing your butt off"!
The Hemo~Rite Cryotherapy Device is currently available only online from its website, for $34.99. The manufacturer expects it to be in stores by December, just in time for Christmas.
I think a popsicle would do just as well.
An exciting new ebay item
… High bid at this writing is $15… plus $4.99 shipping
I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH A GREAT IDEA SO HERE IT GOES...
I WILL PAINT YOU A PERSONAL, ONE OF A KIND, PICTURE USING MY NIPPLES.. YES MY NIPS.
WHAT A CONVERSATION PIECE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT FOR THE UP COMING HOLIDAYS!
ILL EVEN LET YOU PICK YOU OWN COLORS.THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT SO HELP ME GET IT ROLLING!
From left to right: Brussels Sprout Soda, Cranberry Soda, Turkey & Gravy Soda, Wild Herb Stuffing Soda, and Pumpkin Pie Soda.
They really sell this stuff. Click here for more delicious flavors.
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural
"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known.
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
Thanks Phyllis
50 First Plates
Dude, Where's My Carving Knife?
1. Talk about huge breasts!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's a terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
Thanks Phyllis
If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
Thanks Opie
ISTANBUL, Turkey -- Ilker Yilmaz snorts milk up his nose and squirts it out of his eye in a bid to set a new world record. Yilmaz squirted the milk 2 meters 79.5 centimeters, surpassing the exisitng world record of 2 meters 61 centimeters. Organizers said the record must still be verified. (09/01/04 AP photo)
This is a USB Christmas Tree, which lights up, blows styrofoam snow around and plays 4 popular Christmas songs, all thanks to the Awesome Power Of USB(tm).
“TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.” “Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?” “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!” Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!” Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”
Allegedly, while taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?” US Air 2771: “Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”
Ever have some guy ask for your number and you really don’t want to give it to him? You don’t want to hurt his feelings or create a scene, so you give him your local Not-My-Number number.
Not-My-Number is a FREE rejection phone service that started in the Midwest. The numbers are used for people that need an outlet in a sticky situation by providing a humorous rejection phone number in place of their real phone number (See the suggested use page for ideas on how to use the number). Not-My-Number was founded when we heard people in downtown Springfield, Mo. using every excuse in the book to get out of a conversation with a person they obviously didn't want to talk to. That is when we started doing some research and noticed the demand for rejection phone numbers was astounding. Not-My-Number was founded on October 7, 2004 and we have expanded nationwide to become the largest provider of Rejection Phone Service in the world. (See the numbers page for future cities and to get on the "Updated Numbers list".)
In St. Lois it’s 314–766–4690 (Go ahead, dial it)
Put your favorite digital images onto your keychain.
Only $50 from Amazon.com
A new sport is sweeping the nation. Skydivers are jumping out of planes without parachutes. They are attaching themselves to a string of live turkeys. Apparently the turkeys go nuts and flap their wings and act as a parachute. And with live turkeys going for less than a dollar a pound it costs a lot less than a parachute which can cost over a thousand bucks.
“Turkey parachuting is really opening the plane door for a lot of skydivers who normally would be put off by the high price of parachutes,” says skydiving instructor Nebold Einacracker. “Since turkeys are cheaper than parachutes we offer lower prices now for skydiving lessons and jumps. People also like jumping from a plane using natural live turkeys, not an artificial petroleum based parachute.”
A few turkeys have freaked out and had heart attacks, died and plopped down to earth. “But turkey parachuting is very safe” added Eincracker. “If you string up 20 turkeys there is a very small chance that they will all freak out and not flap their wings.”
“Turkey parachuting only has one disadvantage over traditional parachuting,“ explained turkey jumping enthusiast Jabbo Yokinhowl. “Jumping out of a plane at 10,000 feet scares the shit out of the turkeys. So I usually wear an old rain jacket.”
The Teddy Bear with a BUTTHOLE!
Poke your finger in and listen to the antics
- 2 Modes of operation (Normal and Fart mode)
Normal Mode
-Over 50 farts sounds and phrases
-Interact with MR. Bear through his orifice with your finger. Can you please him before he gets tired?
Fart mode:
-Plays random fart sounds to your rhythm!
Limited Quantity! Batteries are included. Get yours here.
