Saturday, October 28, 2006
Doctor: “So what seems to be the problem?”
Patient: “Doc, I’ve got really bad gas … I just fart all the time”
Doctor: “Hmmm, ok … go on”
Patient: “My farts do not stink and make no sound, but it’s rather alarming that I’m cranking them out all the time. We’ve been here for five minutes and I’ve farted six times. And as I stated, you couldn’t hear or smell them, right?”
Doctor: Picks up his pad and paper, then says “Hmmm … here’s a prescription I want you to fill.”
Patient: “This is GREAT doc! This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?”
Doctor: “No,” sighs the Doctor, “The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test.”
Posted 2:15 PM
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1.Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.
Posted 1:45 PM
Here's something for broadband people that will really speed Firefox up:
1.Type "about:config" into the address bar and hit return. Scroll down and look for the following entries:
network.http.pipelining network.http.proxy.pipelining network.http.pipelining.maxrequests
Normally the browser will make one request to a web page at a time. When you enable pipelining it will make several at once, which really speeds up page loading.
2. Alter the entries as follows:
Set "network.http.pipelining" to "true"
Set "network.http.proxy.pipelining" to "true"
Set "network.http.pipelining.maxrequests" to some number like 30. This means it will make 30 requests at once.
3. Lastly right-click anywhere and select New-> Integer. Name it "nglayout.initialpaint.delay" and set its value to "0". This value is the amount of time the browser waits before it acts on information it recieves.
This works for those using Broadband pages load MUCH faster
Posted 1:20 PM
Marcus VS Hp deskjet
Must be hard to get any real work done.
Posted 12:41 PM
Friday, October 27, 2006
While at World Series Game 3 with my brother, I saw this young man right under the scoreboard wearing either a halter top or a sports bra. I know he had to be cold, but I’m sure he had quite a bit of anti-freeze in his system.
He was holding a sign but I couldn’t read it all. All I know is that it ended with the phrase “PRICELESS”.
I saw him briefly on ESPN later that night, but don’t know if he made the FOX broadcast or not.
Like they say, it takes all kinds.
Posted 6:24 PM
Father Sullivan was being honored at his retirement dinner after 30 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. However, the politician was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to
lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled. However, as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people"....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day Father Sullivan arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the very first one to go to him in confession...."
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!!!!!!
Posted 6:09 PM
My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc.
Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc. I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. It solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems.
I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in Pesos so they have to go home to spend it. I love it when a plan comes together.
Posted 6:07 PM
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
Posted 6:01 PM
It's official: Women more grumpy than men in the morning
Maybe it's that withering look she gives you as she clatters her coffee cup or perhaps she's just plain snappy, but men have for years bemoaned the perils of early mornings with their better halves.
Millions of chaps across the country have come to agree that the best way to avoid the outbreak of World War Three over breakfast is to keep well away until the bad tempered creature that came from beneath the duvet (aka the wife) lightens up a bit.
New research has confirmed they have every right to be wary. It found that not only are women grumpier than men first thing, but also that they remain in a foul mood for longer.
A survey by The Sleep Council showed a quarter of men never wake up in a bad mood, compared to just one in seven women.
Read more…. if you want to
Posted 5:51 PM
While his grandmother, Fredricka Bierdemann, turned her back to get another dollar for a second try, Robert took off his coat and squeezed through an opening in the machine. He landed in the stuffed animal cube.
"He was having a ball in there, hugging all the stuffed animals," Bierdemann said. "He was so good-natured, but I was shaking like a leaf.
Firefighters broke one lock but then spotted two latches inside the plastic cube. They passed a screwdriver to Robert, who eventually freed himself.
He went home safe, but without a stuffed Sponge Bob.
Posted 5:47 PM
ST. LOUIS CARDINALS – WORLD CHAMPS
A collection of Shannonisms… quotes… or misquotes by beloved Cardinal broadcaster Mike Shannon.
Some signs from the World Series games
- Jim Leyland fought Chuck Norris and won!
- Jesus was a Carpenter
- Cardinals is practically chickens
- One ECK of a year
- The experts are idiots (refering to those who said the Cardinals didn’t have a chance)
- Hit it to the pitcher (they were making so many throwing errors)
- Leave it to Weaver
- Walk your dog – not Pujols
- Cards are rockin and Rolen
- ACK, ACK, Hairball
- That’s a Winner! (Signature line of the late Cardinal announcer Jack Buck)
Recap of World Series games by the St. Louis Post Dispatch reporter Jeff Gordon (with pictures)
Hey did you hear that Kenny Rodgers just signed a new endorsement deal.. It is with UPS "What Can Brown Do For You"
(Picture not from the World Series)
(Updated 11:33 pm)
Posted 5:44 PM
Thursday, October 26, 2006
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Posted 6:24 PM
The children begged for a bunny rabbit, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time--we'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"
Posted 6:04 PM
The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions:
- Flying Cross
To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding his remains and handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.
To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.
- Silver Bullet
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
Other dumb things:
- A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
- The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
- A monk in Thailand is in big trouble with local authorities and betting shops after successfully predicting the winning lottery numbers -- 11 times in a row.
- Sick of the weather? Don't blame Al Nino. The Nipomo, California man is getting a little tired of strangers calling him up to complain.
- AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
- A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
- French farmer Michael LeMond shot himself in the foot when he opened fire on what he thought was a ghost.
- Officials from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration inspected their own offices and cited themselves on three safely violations.
- In a related story, 9-year-old Derek Hume was run over by a 1 ton concrete roller. The boy escaped without a bruise, however, because the massive cylinder pressed him into the rain-soaked earth.
Posted 5:55 PM
A dead man had one final earthly act before moving on.
Fire officials said the six-hundred pound man was in being cremated when his body fluids were too much for the oven.
The body fluids seeped out onto the floor and ignited causing a fire at the Garner Funeral Home in Salt Lake City.
"Those fluids can be very flammable," said Scott Freitag of the Salt Lake City fire department. "Sort of like a grease fire."
Posted 4:20 PM
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered,"Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He,too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"
The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my tab."
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."
The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."
The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability."
Posted 4:07 PM
Sometime overnight we hit the magical 1,000,000th hit on Bits and Pieces. I am probably 50,000 of those hits (proof-reading after posting), but I’m not counting that.
Thanks to all who visit and all who link to Bits & Pieces … and to all I steal stuff from. I try to give credit on most of the things I post.
Thanks a million!
Posted 3:54 PM
Need a unique halter top?
You are bidding on an original creation--a halter top made from a pair of men's briefs, size 32. They should fit a skinny woman up to a size 10. They are made of the finest 100% cotton, with an elastic waist, and tie with attractive pink satin ribbons. They can be tied up for the tank-top look, or off the shoulders for ever more drama.
Posted 5:42 AM
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
One day a little girl went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?"
Her mother stammered a bit, but finally regained her composure. She thought it must be time that her daughter learned the facts of life.
So, she told her daughter about how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As she explained, her daughter's eyes got wider and wider.
When she was finished, the little girl said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Joe told me. He said that he came from Virginia.
Posted 8:10 PM
First-year students at
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Thanks Paul E
Posted 8:08 PM
Mum defies million-to-one odds to give birth to black and white boys
For every mother with twins the art of telling them apart is a task that can take a lifetime to master. But when Kerry Richardson's sons were born she had no trouble telling them apart instantly.
Layton, who weighed 6lb 4oz, was growing blonde hair and was fair skinned. His brother, Kaydon, who arrived 20 minutes later weighing 6lb 9oz, was black.
Here is another case, but with girls!
Posted 7:38 PM
Japanese Fly Hypnotism
Posted 6:59 PM
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.
He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed.. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts
were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Today, the Cardinals lost, but at least I got laid.
Thanks Joe E
Posted 6:27 PM
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
There seems to be quite a discussion on St. Louis sports talk radio about what was on Detroit Tiger pitcher Kenny Rogers’ hand.
What exactly was on Kenny Rogers' left hand? Was Rogers discoloring and/or defacing balls? Why didn't the Cardinals' Tony La Russa, a manager who is always looking for an edge, raise more of a fuss? These are questions FoxSports.com is asking.
If Rogers broke the rules, he gained only a temporary edge — he cleaned his hand after the first inning, then allowed only two hits in eight shutout innings, lifting the Tigers to a 3-1 victory that tied the World Series at one game each.
Still, the episode was, uh, rather odd.
Rule 3.02 states that, "No player shall intentionally discolor or damage the ball by rubbing it with soil, rosin, paraffin, licorice, sand-paper, emery-paper or other foreign substance."
Rule 8.02 states that a pitcher "shall not" even deliver a ball that he defaces with spit or a foreign substance or by rubbing the ball on his glove, person or clothing.
Regardless, he only got better at pitching once whatever it was, was removed.
Posted 9:09 AM
Winning runner hits head near finish line
And the winner is......
Posted 8:51 AM
Monday, October 23, 2006
During one of his morning briefings an aide tells President Bush that three Brazilian soldiers have been killed overnight in Iraq.
President Bush looks at the man and gasps, goes white and falls off his chair.
After a moment to regain his composure he is helped back into his chair and asks the aide; "In regular numbers just how many is a Brazilian?"
Posted 5:51 PM
A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."
Posted 5:27 PM
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast".
Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Posted 5:11 PM
Read the sentence below out loud.
Read it again out loud.
This time point to each word with your finger as you read out loud.
Did you miss the second “THE” when you read the sentence each time? Chances are you did. If you didn’t, you’re a freak!
Seriously though, the brain doesn’t process the second “THE” because it’s tricked into thinking it already has. The fact that it’s on the second line after the first “THE” is the reason. It’s redundant.
If you did catch it, try it on someone normal.
via The Amazing Jonathan’s Every Trick in the Book book
Posted 4:56 PM