Saturday, February 18, 2006
I'm in big trouble now
Theaters to install candy detectors REUTERS- Citing widespread disregard for its “no outside food and beverages” policy and numerous instances of candy-related disruption, GKC theaters announced Thursday that they will install candy detectors at the entrances of their 25 movie theaters. More on this story from Phat Phree The future of moviegoing?
The walk-through detectors will alert theater staff to a patron concealing contraband snacks.
“These are the most technologically advanced devices available in confection detection,” said GKC vice president of public relation Gene Jefferson. “They’ll pick up anything from a Ghirardelli chocolate bar to a single Nerd.”
Beer for dogs
Yes, it's beer! But, it's for dogs.
Non-alcoholic and non-carbonated, our Happy Tail Ale is the ultimate liquid refreshment for your best friend. Our brew is made with choice malted barley and filtered water, featuring all-natural beef flavorings. Plus, it's fortified with Glucosamine and Vitamin E!
Sure, there are lots of ways you show your dog you love him: Taking him for a walk, giving him a belly rub, tossing him a few treats...but how about a beer? Of course, you can't give him the same beer you grab from the fridge when YOU want a treat! Alcohol, hops and carbonation are bad for dogs. But what about giving him a drink that not only tastes good, but is healthy as well?
How to pick the perfect steak for your grillThe Top 16 Signs James Bond Is Losing His Masculinity
From TopFive.com
Lee Tamahori, director of the James Bond movie "Die Another Day," was arrested in a prostitution sting. The twist? He was allegedly *offering* the services. An undercover officer said he was sitting in his
car when Tamahori -- dressed in an off-the-shoulder dress -- approached and offered to perform a sex act.
To each his own, I say.
Still, we here at TopFive are concerned 007 *himself* might be losing his macho side...
The Top 16 Signs James Bond Is Losing His Masculinity
- 16> Ordered to "take out" the enemy, they end up at a trendy sushi bar.
- 15> "Q, would you happen to have a missile-firing bustier?"
- 14> "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to cry."
- 13> In the casino, Bond excuses himself from a repartee session with the villain at the roulette table because he has great seats to see Celine Dion.
- 12> Bond's newest secret weapon? A raging case of PMS.
- 11> The villain's "secret lair" is an exact replica of the "Oprah" set.
- 10> This time, Ernst Blofeld is petting a rooster.
- 9> Finding himself alone with a bevy of geishas, he spends hours learning how to tie an obi.
- 8> The opening title sequence features slo-mo nude silhouettes of what appear to be the Village People doing pilates.
- 7> "Pussy Galore? No, thank you!"
- 6> Before lighting Ms. Galore's cigarette, Bond has to find his lighter by digging through his man-purse.
- 5> The new Bond girl: Phyllis Boxers, as portrayed by RuPaul.
- 4> He keeps insisting to Q that a rosy shade of poisoned lipstick is his best defense.
- 3> Overwrought following a high-speed chase on the Autobahn, 007finds comfort in season one of "Gilmore Girls" and a pint of Cookies 'n' Cream.
- 2> Insists on going to the costume ball as Lara Croft, Tomb Raider.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign James
Bond Is Losing His Masculinity...
- 1> "Martini. Stirred, not shaken. With two olives, but on the side. No, wait -- just one olive. Can you take the pimento out? Yeah? Ok, give me two olives then. Oh, but they have oil in them. You know what? Just give me a Tab. With lemon. No, lime...."
Friday, February 17, 2006
I'm gonna die
So will you. 
But When?
According to the Death Clock, I’ll expire on May 5, 2047.
Find out when you’ll die at The Death Clock.
Grandpa Munster
Al Lewis, better known as Grandpa Munster from the 60’s TV hit died at 95 recently. I ran across this website (Dope on a Slope) with some interesting information about him.
Grandpa, We Hardly Knew Ye.
Like many of you, I was saddened to hear of the passing of Al "Granpa Munster" Lewis last week at the ripe old age of 95. But my sadness was tempered with the knowledge that the former Brooklynite had led a varied and interesting life right up until the end. His obituary in the New York Times mentioned that in addition to being an actor, Mr. Lewis had also been a restauranteur in Greenwich Village, a talented basketball scout (at 6' 1" he played as a youth), a radio host, and a Green Party candidate running against Pataki in 1998 when he was 90 years old. Most impressively, perhaps, was the fact that he had to be regularly censored by Howard Stern on his frequent appearances on the shock jock's infamous radio program.
Apparently Al wasn't afraid to tell it like it is.
Of course, I didn't know the half of it. In the days following his death, more details about his life emerged. Al was both a polymath and a workhorse. During his long life he had:
- Defended Sacco and Vanzetti
- Performed in the 1938 Broadway smash "Hellzapoppin"
- Championed the cause of the "Scottsboro Nine"
- Worked as circus clown, trapeze artist, and medicine show "professor"
- Faced "death at any moment" as an organizer for the National Maritime Union in the South
- Survived two torpedo attacks as a Merchant Marine in WWII
- Earned a Ph.D. in child psychology from Columbia University at the age of 31
Baron Munchhausen himself couldn't come up with such an unbelievable account, but Al Lewis lived it.
Or did he?
Today in the New York Times, Dan Barry reveals that Al had fudged his age by a factor of 13 years. No, he wasn't 108, he was only 82. Always a bit cantankerous, Al bucked the thespian tradition of lying to make oneself younger and fibbed in the opposite direction. Apparently he felt that the fact that he was younger than Yvonne DeCarlo, who was to play his daughter in "The Munsters," would spoil his chances at the job back in 1964. Once he had established the earlier birthdate, he made a game of filling in the details of what happened during those lost years.
Apparently Al wasn't afraid to tell it like it isn't.
Somehow, that makes me admire him even more.
Hungry? Try a penis restaurant
The menu at Beijing's latest venue for its growing army of gourmets is eye-watering rather than mouth-watering.
China's cuisine is renowned for being "in your face" - from the skinned dogs displayed at food markets to the kebabbed scorpions sold on street stalls - and there is no polite way of describing Guo-li-zhuang.
A dish combining the male organs of an ox and a snake.
Situated in an elegantly restored house beside Beijing's West Lake, it is China's first speciality penis restaurant. Here, businessmen and government officials can sample the organs of yaks, donkeys, oxen and even seals. In fact, they have to, since they form part of every dish - except for those containing testicles.
…For beginners, Miss Zhu recommended the hotpot, which offers a sampling of what the restaurant has to offer - six types of penis, and four of testicle, boiled in chicken stock by the waitress, Liu Yunyang, 22.
Dick Cheney Quail Hunting Game
See if you can shoot the quail. Not so easy, is it?
It’s easy to crack jokes, isn’t it Mr. Smarty Pants?
More anagrams
Osama Bin Laden: A Lesbian Nomad
Osama Bin Laden: A Solid Bean Man
Osama Bin Laden: A Lebanon Midas
Osama Bin Laden: An N.D. Salami Bone!
Osama Bin Laden: Bad Man is Alone.
Osama Bin Laden: Is Bad Anal Omen
Osama Bin Laden: Me Solid Banana
Osama Bin Laden: I'm a Sandle Bone!
Osama Bin Laden: I'm No Bean Salad
Osama Bin Laden: Anal Bias Demon
Osama Bin Laden: Made in Anal S.O.B.
White House Hunting Accident Update
J-Walk blog posted an updated version of my post yesterday.
I believe his is correct. Mine was a day behind. I kind of knew that, but didn’t go through the trouble of changing it. (I woulda had to open Paint Shop Pro , etc, etc.)
Keep up the good work Mr Cheney.
Italian honeymoon
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey... to say hello to his friends..
Giovanni said, " Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, " Everyting wasa perfecto, except for da train ride down. " " Whata you mean, Luigi ? " asked Giovanni....
" Well , we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food.... She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, nd we were lookina forward to da trip. Everyting wasa Okey Dokey, till we getta hungry, and open upa da luncha basket.... The conductore comea by, waga his finger at usm, and a say, 'no eat indisa car... Musta use a dining car.' " S o, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch, and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino !
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger, and say, 'No drinka in disa car ! Musta use a cluba car. " S o , we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger, again, and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car..'. "We go to a smokina car, a n d I smoke a my biga c igar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I , we go to a sleeper car, anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada, and the conductore, he walka through da hall , shouting ata da top of hisa voice ............ ' Nofolka Virginia ! ..... Nofolka Virginia ! ' " Next a time , I'ma just gonna t a k a da bus !!
Thanks Joe P
The organist
There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."
Thanks Phyllis
Job Hunting In America
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA ). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.AMERICA.....
Thanks Phyllis
Thursday, February 16, 2006
I think I'll start drinking out of the toilet
Girl's Science Project May Make You Rethink That Drink Order
TAMPA - Those ice-cold drinks from favorite fast food restaurants may not seem as refreshing after a seventh-grader's science project reveals what may lurk inside the cup.
Benito Middle School student Jasmine Roberts examined the amount of bacteria in ice served at fast food restaurants.
Her project won the science fair at the New Tampa school, and she hopes to win a top prize at the Hillsborough County Regional Science and Engineering Fair, which starts Tuesday.
The 12-year-old compared the ice used in the drinks with the water from toilet bowls in the same restaurants. Jasmine said she found the results startling.
"I thought there might be a little bacteria in the ice, but I never expected it to be this much," she said. "And I never thought the toilet water would be cleaner."
Her discovery: Seventy percent of the time, the ice had more bacteria than the toilet water.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Deadeye Dick’s Gun Club
PMS Guidelines
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be over reacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.
13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Thanks Phyllis
Manglish
Mangling the English language by foreign companies.
How do you spell McDonald’s?
Go UAS
This sounds and smells tasty
Let’s go shopping…
via
The Patriot
Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC:
There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.
An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?'
The old woman looked up at her and said, “Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it. “
Not sure if this actually happened, but it brought a smile to my face.
Thanks Phyllis
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