Saturday, April 28, 2007
Today is special... Just like you
Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend...just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, eat paint chips, take the short bus or occasionally crap yourself...You hang in there sunshine, you're special!
(I know it’s bad, but it just made me laugh.)
It's deer, dear
A man kills a deer and takes it home, where his wife cooks it for dinner.
When their little daughter sees the unfamiliar meat, she asks her father what it is.
"Well", says dad, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."
"Don't eat it!" the little girl screams, "It's an asshole!”
Jack Bauer jokes
The entire defense budget of the USA is used to keep Jack Bauer in supply of cell phone batteries
Jack Bauer once bit a zombie It turned into Tony Almeida
Jack Bauer shot Helen Keller in the knee to make her talk
When in Jack Bauer's presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down
Jack Bauer has been to Mars Thats why theres no life on Mars
This one time at band camp Jack Bauer killed a 6 year old terrorist
When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.
Jack Bauer once played Lance Armstrong and Chuck Norris in a "who has the most testicles contest." He beat them both by a combined total of 46.
Ancient peoples sacrificed virgins to Jack Bauer in anticipation of his birth
Gas prices go up during a crisis because the government needs to pay for Jack Bauer's cell phone bill
Bullets don't kill Jack Bauer because they're afraid to
The reason it is forbidden to show Muhammad’s face is because they don’t want Jack Bauer to recognize him
If Jack Bauer was on Brokeback Mountain, there would be no gay cowboys, just dead ones
In high school, Jack Bauer got a job working as a department store Santa. He was fired after he tortured a child to tell him her Christmas list.
Terrorists go to prison for protection from Jack Bauer. It rarely actually works.
Every time you blink Jack Bauer kills a terrorist, not because you blinked, but because that how many terrorists he kills.
When Jack Bauer plays Deal or No Deal, the banker ALWAYS offers him a million dollars.
Dr. Phil holds a therapy session...
Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
Sick
A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my father-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my mother-in-law. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure that she's alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm boinking her."
The boss says, "You boink your mother-in-law?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
Bar-B-Que in a briefcase
This is cool.
Sometimes you just want to be able to bring a grill with you, because you just can't guarantee that there'll be one waiting for you at your destination. And are you really prepared to risk not being able to grill up some meat whenever you please? I didn't think so. Grilling isn't something to mess around with, people.
This Carry and Go BBQ solves your problems in the grill department. When folded up, it's shaped like a briefcase, making toting it to the in-laws' place a breeze. That way when you get there you can guarantee that you can hang out on the porch flipping burgers, hiding from the people inside and avoiding uncomfortable stress and awkward situations. See, a portable grill might just save your marriage! Grilling, it's a powerful thing.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Marilyn Monroe or Albert Einstein
Up close, this looks like a picture of Albert Einstein. But back away from it and you'll see Marilyn Monroe.
It's from an article on hybrid images in New Scientist magazine (subscription required).
Sopranos High Octane
Gotta love all those huge SUV’s they drive around on “The Sopranos.” Sunday’s installment featured the Cadillac Escalade, which I believe has trunk space for at least eight dead bodies. Of course, this being the final batch of shows, we won’t have too many more times to enjoy the opening montage, which features New Jersey footage older than even Don Imus. Check out this price of gas as Tony Sopranos goes driving by.
My, how much gas prices have skyrocketed since the Sopranos began. So much for the theory that the Iraq war was fought to get cheap gas.
One last request...
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money.
Just before he died, he asked his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." He got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
One day he died and was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When the ceremony was over the undertakers got ready to close the casket. The wife said, "Wait just a minute!" I have something to put it in the casket. The undertakers locked the casket down, and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "Judy, You didn’t put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian and I can't go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.
You mean to tell me you did put that money in the casket with him!
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.”
If he can cash it, he can spend it.
The test
An oldie but a goodie:
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said , "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Peaches
A Georgia farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches? "
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,"Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
Hotdoll - The sex doll for dogs
Is your dog in heat and humping anything it can wrap its horny little legs around? Are you constantly having to pry your promiscuous pooch off the legs of guests, parents and members of your church? Protect your leg from a hump attack by getting Scruffy a Hotdoll. Yes, it's a sex doll for dogs. It's shaped like a dog and it'll allow your tension-filled pet to go to town as much as his little heart desires, humping away until he passes out in exhaustion, leaving a wispy coil of friction-singed dog-fur smoke wafting into the air.
25 things women don't know....
Women think they already know everything, but wait…training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
- 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
- 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
- 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
- 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
- 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
- 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
- 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
- 8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
- 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
- 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
- 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
- 12. Introduction to Parking
- 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
- 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
- 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
- 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
- 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
- 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
- 19. PMS: Your Problem…Not His
- 20. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To
- 21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
- 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
- 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
- 24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
- 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
I know these are stereotypes of women, but most of the women I know are just the opposite. As a matter of fact if I fell into this stack of facts a lot of them would stick to me. (Did I just admit that?)
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Aircraft crash
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.
The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
Photograph at right was taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.
Interesting statistic
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not Bad.
Thanks Joe P
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Who "roided" it up better.... Big Mac or Bonds?
Let's assume that Barry Bonds uses/used steroids. Let's assume the same thing about Mark McGwire. Nothing too controversial about either assumption, right? Right. But it's sure fun.
The two of us both think that the above assumptions are true. But we were wondering: who did it better? Was it Bonds and his 73 bombs in 2001, and 711 (and counting!) for his career? Or was he behind the times? Did McGwire -- first to hit 70, three consecutive years of 50+ -- do it better?
We couldn't decide on numbers alone. It was too close to call. So, we went to the cardboard. We took a look at their baseball cards from 1987 through 2002 and commented along the way.
From this
to this
This is a test....
This is a test of the Google Adsense marketing program. I’m running a trial of ads from Google. Of course I expect to get rich by doing this. Then I’ll be able to retire from my regular job and search the web for more fun – just for you. I hope it’s not too distracting for my readers.
Had this been an actual ad you’d have been enticed to click on it’s link and be swept away by the magic of advertising.
This concludes this notice of the test for Google Adsense. Now back to our regular blogcasting.
A blind man and his dog
One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
Thanks Joe P
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Real teachers
Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Costco.
Real teachers will eat anything left in the teachers' lounge.
Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks. Grading in church is permissible.
Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.
Real teachers cheer when they learn that April 1 does not fall on a school day.
Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.
Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders.
Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.
Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will appear at an open house.
Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a valentine.
Important police message for men!
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Men are much more susceptible to this scam; after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
For a video to see how beer works click here: (do watch it.)
Flying motorcycle
This is so cool.
The Super Sky Cycle – brainchild of former US test pilot Larry Neal – has fold-away rotor blades and can land in a 6m (20ft) space.
The contraption reaches up to 55mph by road – but those wanting to feel the air in their face can take off to reach 100mph in the air.
It’s only $37,195 plus shipping
Gatorade Destroys Your Teeth Faster than Coke
The University of Iowa researchers covered extracted teeth with nail polish. They left bare two patches on each tooth, one on the enamel and one on the root. Then they dunked the teeth in test tubes filled with regular Coke, Diet Coke, Gatorade, Red Bull, or 100% apple juice.
Every five hours, the researchers refreshed the beverages. After 25 hours, they examined the teeth with a microscope. All of the beverages eroded the bare spots on the teeth. But different beverages had significantly different effects.
On the enamel, Gatorade was significantly more corrosive than Red Bull and Coke. Red Bull and Coke, in turn, were significantly more corrosive than Diet Coke and apple juice.
Foods named after people
Here are a few examples:
- Fettuccine Alfredo – Alfredo di Lelio, an early-20th century Italian chef who invented the dish for his wife in 1914–1920 at his Roman restaurant and popularized it among tourists.
- Caesar salad – Caesar Cardini (1896–1956) or one of his associates created this salad at the restaurant of the Hotel Caesar in Tijuana.
- Cobb Salad – Robert H. Cobb, owner of the Hollywood Brown Derby restaurant, who is said to have invented the salad as a late-night snack for himself in 1936–1937.
- Graham crackers, Graham flour – Sylvester Graham, 19th-century American Presbyterian minister and proponent of a puritan lifestyle based on teetotalling, vegetarianism, and whole wheat.
- Heath bar – the American "English toffee" bar is named for brothers Bayard and Everett Heath, Illinois confectioners who developed it in the 1920s and eventually turned the local favorite into a nationally popular candy bar.
- Kaiser rolls – originally, rolls made by a Viennese baker in about 1487 for Emperor Frederick V, whose profile was stamped on top.
- Margarita – there are many claims for the name of this tequila/lime/orange liqueur cocktail. Dallas socialite Margarita Samas said she invented it in 1948 for one of her Acapulco parties. Enrique Bastate Gutierrez claimed he invented it in Tijuana in the 1940s for Rita Hayworth. Hayworth's real name was Margarita Cansino, and another story connects the drink to her during an earlier time when she was dancing in Tijuana nightclubs under that name. Carlos Herrera said he created and named the cocktail in his Tijuana restaurant in 1938–1939 for Marjorie King. Ms. King was reportedly allergic to all alcohol except tequila, and had asked for something besides a straight shot. Around this same general time period, Nevada bartender Red Hinton said he'd named the cocktail after his girlfriend Margarita Mendez. Other stories exist.
- Mary Janes – peanut butter and molasses candy bars developed by Charles N. Miller in 1914, and named after his favorite aunt.
- Reuben sandwich – possibly Arnold Reuben, a New York restaurateur (1883–1970), created and named it c. 1914, or Reuben Kolakofsky (1874–1960) c. 1925 may have made it for a poker group gathered at his Omaha, Nebraska grocery.
- Baby Ruth candy bar – most likely, Babe Ruth (1895–1948) was the inspiration for the name. Although the Curtiss Candy Co. has insisted from the beginning that the candy bar was named after a daughter of Grover Cleveland, Ruth Cleveland died in 1904 at the age of 12, while the Baby Ruth was introduced in 1921 right at a time when George Herman Ruth, Jr. had become a baseball superstar. It is interesting to note that very early versions of the wrapper offer a baseball glove for 79 cents. Babe Ruth's announced intent to sue the company is probably what drove and perpetuated the dubious cover story.
- Salisbury steak – Dr. James H. Salisbury (1823–1905), early U.S. health food advocate, created this dish and advised his patients to eat it three times a day, while limiting their intake of "poisonous" vegetables and starches.
- Sandwich – John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich (1718–1792) did not invent the sandwich. Meat between slices of bread had been eaten long before him. But as the often-repeated story goes, his title name was applied to it c. 1762, after he frequently called for the easily-handled food while entertaining friends. Their card games then were not interrupted by the need for forks and such.
- Tootsie Rolls – Clara "Tootsie" Hirshfield, the small daughter of Leo Hirshfield, developer of the first paper-wrapped penny candy, in New York, 1896.
The ant and the grasshopper
OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building g his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant' s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote.
Thanks Paul
Talking dog
A guy is driving around St. Louis and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale".
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their ;most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had& nbsp;a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired"
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
Thanks Paul and Alan
Monday, April 23, 2007
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