Saturday, June 16, 2007
Baby on Board
If you really want to ensure that people actually do notice that you have a baby on board, you've got to try out this baby on board toy.
This unique toy shows a baby toy crying and gripping onto your car window - and not forgetting that yellow sign board around the neck. Now, that's bound to get some attention!
Falling off the wagon
Late one Saturday night, after a long and difficult day of visiting hospitals, nursing homes and elderly members of the congregation, a Southern Baptist preacher was making his weary way home. As he traveled the hilly, curving country road, he overtook a car. The slow moving car was weaving from one side of the road to the other in a most disturbing manner. Being familiar with most residents of the area he recognized the car as belonging to a member of his congregation.
"Oh no," said the preacher to himself, "Frank Johnson has fallen off the wagon again. The way that car is weaving, he must be really plastered. I better pull up beside him and get him to stop before he hurts himself."
Putting thought to action, the preacher pulled along side Frank's car just in time for the next swerve to run him off the road. Over the shoulder, down a steep bank, the preacher's car rolled over twice and came to rest against a large pine tree. Not completely senseless to the world, Frank stopped his car and staggered back to a point above the preacher's car.
Fortunately, the preacher had been using a seat belt. That and the relatively slow speed had prevented any injury. When Frank saw someone struggling out of the wrecked car, he yelled, "Who the hell are you?"
The preacher yelled back, "Frank Johnson, don't you talk to me like that."
"My God preacher, that you?"
"Yes Frank, it is, and I'll thank you not to take the Lord's name in vain. It's already bad enough that you're drunk."
"You OK preacher?"
"Yes Frank, fortunately the Lord was with me."
"You better let Him ride with me. Way you drive, you gonna kill Him."
Buried treasure?
On June 15, 1957, a new gold and white 1957 Plymouth Belvedere Sport Coupe was buried in a time capsule in downtown Tulsa, OK. The time capsule was part of Golden Jubilee Week: Tulsa's celebration of Oklahoma's semi-centennial. The car is buried under the sidewalk in front of the Tulsa County Courthouse, approximately 100 feet north of the intersection of Sixth Street and Denver Avenue
The car was seen as a method of acquainting twenty-first century citizens with a suitable representation of 1957 civilization. According to event chairman Lewis Roberts Sr., the Plymouth was chosen because it was "an advanced product of American industrial ingenuity with the kind of lasting appeal that will still be in style 50 years from now."
Yesterday, they dug it up. Here is what they found.
Upside-down bus
The Topsy-Turvy Bus, lovingly known as Topsy, was designed to dramatically depict America's upside down budget priorities.
Topsy is a brainchild of Ben Cohen, co-founder of Ben & Jerry's and noted artist Stefan Sagmeister, and was constructed by artist-mechanic Tom Kennedy.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Cool household tips
A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.
(hmmmmmm...)
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Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.
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For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't
refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!
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To remove old wax from a glass candle holder, put it in the freezer for a few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The
wax will fall out.
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Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
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Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
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Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S. Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw
away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S. pads last me indefinitely!
In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get 'sharpened'' this way!
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Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works
every time! (Now, where to put the body?) LOL
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Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks.
Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
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Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
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Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels
and linen.
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Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning.
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To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag an d add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt
and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm.
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To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to
a boil on stove top.
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Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
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Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
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When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
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Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. (I prefer to soak the lime in Gin and rub it on my tongue first)
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Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces ......... Left over wine? What's that?
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To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.
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Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants
tend to march. See for yourself.
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Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
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When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and
then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
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Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer........
Clean a toilet.
Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China .
Clean a vase.
To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
Polish jewelry.
Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
Clean a thermos bottle.
Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
Unclog a drain.
Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes,
and then run the hot water.
Thanks Joe P
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Firetruck
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and cat.
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", he says with admiration.
"Thanks!" the girl says.
The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Polish sausage
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no." "And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" "Well, I probably wouldn't." With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot.
Interesting observation
1.
The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Do Re Mi Beer
DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to... [Looks into an empty glass]
D'OH!
Thought for the day
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
— Will Rogers
If you stopped smoking right now....
In 20 minutes:
Your blood pressure will return to normal.
In 8 hours:
The carbon monoxide (toxic gas) levels in your blood stream will drop by half, and oxygen levels will return to normal.
In 48 hours:
Your chance of having a heart attack will begin its long decline. All nicotine will have left your body. Your sense of taste and smell will return to a normal level.
In 2 weeks:
Your circulation will increase, and it will continue to improve for the next 10 weeks.
Click on picture for larger version
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Advertising Look-a-Likes
The Gorton's Fisherman and Scottish Lady Tickler Sean Connery
KFC's Colonel Sanders and Empire Carpet's 588-2300...Empiiiiiire! Guy
Orville Redenbacher and SNL's The Church Lady
Ronald McDonald and Sweatin' to the Oldies' Richard Simmons
The Pillsbury Doughboy and "Comedian" Louie Anderson
At the pearly gates...
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Heaven?
The guy replies: "I'm Joe Caloway, taxi driver, of New York City."
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and goldenstaff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Now it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years."
St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. I get an ordinary cotton robe and wooden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
The Louisville Chugger
Cut the top off a whiffle ball bat, plug the small hole in the bottom, pour in the beer. Chug the beer, then spin around the bat for the amount of time it took you to chug said beer. Afterwards, try to hit the empty can and not fall.
Click the picture to watch the video.
Left Lane Drivers of America
Traffic has become increasingly congested and tempers flare as slower drivers occupy what has been historically referred to as the “fast lane”. It’s time to get that Left Lane back! It is our considered opinion that not only will traffic move more smoothly and more quickly once the Left Lane is used in the way it has been designed but also headaches, frustration, bad tempers and road rage will all be greatly reduced when this pressure valve is released. It’s time to reduce this unnecessary stress. I
t’s time that…
I’m a left lane driver, so I can relate to this.
Ed Zachary disease
An oldie but a goodie:
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.
Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly.
"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or date.
"The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face looks Ed Zachary like your ass.
Thanks Mary
Discrimination raises it's ugly head again
I’m not sure that I want to protest against this….
Thanks Joe P
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
What sites do you visit regularly?
Just curious about what other sites you visit regularly.
Leave a comment.
Childhood lessons
The best place to be when you're sad is with your dog.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Reading what people write on desks can get you through the test.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide broccoli in a glass of milk.
School lunches stick to the wall.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.
Never say "Last one is a rotten egg" unless you're absolutely sure someone is slower than you.
It's impossible to unlearn a bad word.
If you want a kitten or puppy, start out by asking for a horse.
Your room gets smaller as you get bigger.
You can't start over just because you're losing the game.
A snow day is more fun than a vacation day.
If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.
All libraries smell the same.
Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back.
Don't nod on the phone.
It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper.
Stuck - Not rolling and not coasting
A dozen riders on a roller coaster spent half an hour hanging upside down — 150 feet above the ground — after a power outage shut down the ride.
It took about 30 minutes for firefighters to rescue the riders using a ladder truck Saturday evening, said Aundrea Crary, spokeswoman for the Magic Springs & Crystal Falls amusement park in Arkansas.
Spectators cheered when the riders were brought to the ground from the highest point of a loop on the X-Coaster.
The X-Coaster was one of several rides brought to a halt by the outage that originated somewhere near the park.
"You could tell who got off the [X-Coaster] because their faces were red," said Angela Salter.
The park resumed normal operations, although the X-Coaster remained closed.
Signs you're at a bad McDonalds
10. Your "Quarter Pounder" has a long, thin tail.
9. The kid serving you has grill marks on his forehead.
8. Sign out front reads, "No shirt, no shoes, no reason you can't get a job here." *
7. Their Mayor McCheese was caught in a hotel room smoking crack.
6. Blocking drive-thru is the bloated body of Wendy's founder Dave Thomas.
5. Manager takes a bite out of every burger to make sure it's okay..
4. In his photo, employee of the month is holding a mug shot number.
3. You spill vanilla shake and it burns a hole right through your pants.
2. A guy dressed as Ronald McDonald keeps asking to touch your food.
1. Their slogan: "Did somebody say 'E Coli'?"
A country drive
Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
We've all done this....
… just not physically…
…although I do have a recollection of being a very young child and sitting on the kitchen table and putting my big toe in my mouth and getting it all wet and then sticking it into the sugar bowl and then sucking the sugar off of my toe… over and over again. I don’t ever remember Mom & Dad complain about the taste of their coffee either.
That is one of my earliest memories. There is no way that I could perform that feat today. Not even close.
7 bizarre things to do after you're dead
Some of us just can’t let go. Even after we’ve assumed room temperature. If this sounds like you, call up your lawyer and have him sharpen his quill. Put one of these burial rituals into your last request, and keep the conversation interesting at the wake.
- Have your body stuffed Like this guy
- Launch yourself into space at Space Services, Inc.
- Make yourself into the hardest thing on the planet with Life Gem.
- You and your body could always “go green”. Find out how here
- You could go online. Link
- Have someone eat your sins Link
- Maybe you’re not going quietly into that good night at all. Get yourself a coffin escape hatch
Bush's watch stolen right off his arm
Watch his left arm (pun intended). It happens about 1 minute into the video during a visit to Albania.
Now you see it.. now you don’t.
Update: New video surfaced that appears to show Bush taking the watch off his wrist and slipping it into his pocket. You can’t see that here though.
Killer tortoise
A bad-ass tortoise defends his garden territory by chasing off cats.
Thanks Tommy Salami
Monday, June 11, 2007
Sopranos cut to black
Last night, after eight years, 86 episodes and 18 Emmy awards, The Sopranos finished its run on HBO, not with a bang, but with a whimper. At first I felt disappointed with the ending. Well actually, for the first few seconds, I thought my satellite went out..then I realized that the show was over. The more I thought about it the more I was OK with it. Who knows, I might even get to like the way it ended in time.
Did Tony get whacked? There seems to be quite a difference of opinion among Sopranos fans and critics.
Comments I’ve read:
I loved it. I was really upset at first, thinking "how dare they do that to me..." but after a few chuckles and "what the hell was that" minutes, I realized it was so appropriate for Chase to make me guess what happened.
He strung us along like a girlfriend we knew never intended to stay, but all along said what we wanted to hear. You deserve what you got, mister! Next time you won't be so foolish to fall in love with a gangster.
What a terrific show it was.————————————-
I thought it was an excellent ending - if you were expecting it to be wrapped up into a nice neat package, then you are watching the wrong show.————————————
I figured it out! It hit me a memory of a small clip that was shown twice in the last episodes that explains the whole thing about the ending.
Look, remember, in the boat scene with Tony & Bobby...they're talking about how "you don't hear it when it comes" (talking about how when you're whacked you don't hear it coming...you're just dead). They flashbacked again to
that same scene I think in last week's episode.
Now, look at the last scene.
Here's why the parking the car thing was important. It held Meadow up. It delayed her just enough so that she would be out of the way of the hit on Tony. Look at the seat placements in the booth. Had she gotten there on
time, she'd have sat down by Tony, and had been in the way of any shot on Tony. Having trouble parking the car MADE HER LATE!
She was coming in the door, and as he looks up to see her, I guarantee you one of those guys hit Tony. Probably the guy that went in the bathroom, because then he could turn around, and have clear line of site and direct shot at Tony without clippin' the family members, because as Tony said "they don't touch family".
And guess what...WE DIDN'T SEE IT OR HEAR IT COMING!...neither did
Tony...instant black screen just as instant as a bullet to the head.
Brilliance.———————————-
I'm glad Phil got what was coming to him and relieved that Tony didn't - I'm positive he didn't get shot, Chase was playing with us in the last scene, showing us what it's like to be worrying about every person coming in to the Diner, and building tension with Meadow's dodgy parking, making us think she was going to miss something big happening.———————————-
Well, Chase and Co. certainly showed us that if nothing else, they cared enough to send the very best -- and save it for the ending.
That's not to say these last episodes were immediately gratifying, because that often happens when you take chances. Even tonight's episode, I suspect, will start to develop little imperfections tomorrow morning. And the choices made in the leadup -- killing Christopher, taking out Bobby and Silvio, even some of the smaller decisions will likely be questioned for years to come, like the decision to write Melfi out in the second-to-last episode. In fact, the figure of Melfi, who dates back to the very start of "The Sopranos," has been handled oddly over the years. Her relationship with Tony seemingly stalled after the fireworks of early seasons, where she ran for her life and then survived a brutal rape that Tony avenged (though unbeknownst to him, as a reader noted). Was writing her out, on a quickie plot line, the right move? That itself will be analyzed for years to come.
On the other hand, there will be more to appreciate, I suspect, once we get some distance from "The Sopranos" and can watch it over and over on DVD. Here's one I caught: the rich irony of the fact that, after several seasons of looking like clueless idiots, the feds finally got some things exactly right? Some fans many argue with the decision to have the FBI/Homeland Security guy tip off Tony to Phil's diabolical scheme to have the Jersey mob "decapitated" ... but I liked it. Having an employee of Michael "Katrina" Chertoff be not only in possession of excellent intel but knowing what to do with it, serves as a fine reminder that "The Sopranos," after all, is fiction.———————————-
I'm wondering now if The Sopranos will return - my guess would be that it would not as that is almost too conventional these days, either way I salute David Chase et and wonder if a better television drama will be broadcast in my lifetime.——————————-
WOW!!!! AMAZING!!! OK, at first I was really angry. I mean really, really angry. I can't believe though that no-one has posted by now what happened. The only thing I saw that was right, was that in the last scene we are seeing through Tony's eyes. Remember when he was speaking with Bobby...basically saying that you don't see it happening? So here is what I found out. The guy at the bar is also credited as Nikki Leotardo. The same actor played him in the first part of season 6 during a brief sit down concerning the future of Vito. That wasn't that long ago. Apparently, he is the nephew of Phil. Phil's brother Nikki Senior was killed in 1976 in a car accident. Absolutely Genius!!!! David Chase is truly rewarding the true fans who pay attention to detail. So the point would have been that life continues and we may never know the end of the Sopranos. But if you pay attention to the history, you will find that all the answers lie in the characters in the restaurant. The trucker was the brother of the guy who was robbed by Christopher in Season 2. Remember the DVD players? The trucker had to identify the body. The boy scouts were in the train store and the black guys at the end were the ones who tried to kill Tony and only clipped him in the ear (was that season 2 or 3?). Absolutely incredible!!!! There were three people in the restaurant who had reason to kill Tony and then it just ends. This was Chase's way of proving that he will not escape his past. It will not go on forever despite that he would like it to "don't stop". Not the fans!!! Tony would like it to keep going but just as we have to say goodbye, so does he. No more Tony and I guess we are supposed to be happy that Meadow didn't get clipped as well (she would have been between the shooter and Tony) since she is the only one worth a crap in that family. Thank you David Chase for making it so obscure that I feel
bad for hating you at first. Absolutely amazing!!!__________________
And maybe Tony did die. This morning some are even suggesting that the quick cut to black that ended the final episode of The Sopranos and the lack of music over the final credits were Chase's way of telling us that Tony is dead. Over the years, there have been several discussions about the quickness of death. Earlier this year, Tony told Bobby that you probably don't even feel anything, that it comes quickly. Was that final cut to black, mid-chorus of "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey, Chase's way of telling us that the smarmy guy who looked like he might be a hitman had just shot Tony?__________________
First I thought my satellite feed went out. Then, finally, the credits came up and it was kind of a let-down, until I read themoodyblue's reminder. Now I think they done good. No one wanted to see Tony get whacked anyway.
But I'm still confused. (Yes, I did watch the whole season, and all the preceding ones!) Was the FBI behind Tony's and Phil's shootings?____________________
I just hope when I get near the ending of next Harry Potter book J.K. Rowlings doesn't end it with a blank page while Harry and his friends are hanging out in Hogswarts.
- 10 All time best Sopranos episodes
- Whack Jobs
- Sopranos Wikipedia Entry (Lots of info here)
- Sopranos HBO site
Update: Much more discussion here.
Dirty joke
What’s the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
Wayne takes a shower after three periods.
Best scam ever
I think I posted this a while back, but I ran into it again and it made me laugh… again.
It is amazing what kind kind of brilliant scams people thing of.
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam. A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the form of a company check. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company is ‘The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company’.
It could have been worse
Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date. Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''
And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''
Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''
Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse?
Your best friend just killed himself!''
Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''
Hot dog
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
"Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Q&A for those 50 and over
Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these".
At the pharmacy
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy and walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
A blind man
A blind man walks into a little restaurant & sits down. The owner, walks up to him & hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind & can't read the menu. Just bring me a fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it & order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile & picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table & hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose & takes in a deep breath.
"Ah,yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf & mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen & tells his
wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened. The blind man eats & leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns & the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni & cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around
with him & tells his wife Gladys that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming & runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Gladys complies & hands her husband the fork.
As the blind man walks in & sits down, the owner is ready & waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you & I have your fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, & says, "Hey, I didn't know Gladys worked here!"
Thanks Joe P
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Rain Delay
Six of us went on a motorcycle excursion today. We were headed to a BBQ restaurant that is built inside a cave ( Caveman BBQ & Steakhouse) on the side of a cliff in Richland MO. It’s about 3–4 hours southwest of St. Louis (by backroads). We ran into rain about half way there. Luckily we happened upon a carport out in the middle of nowhere on Highway 8. We spent about an hour and a half waiting for the “slight chance of an afternoon shower” to stop.. or at least slow down.
This is me trying to get comfortable without jut laying on the ground while we waited. The rain slowed a bit, but never stopped, so we got on the bikes and rode on.
We decided not to risk the second half of our adventure and turned back towards St. Louis. We stopped in Cuba MO at another BBQ place called the Missouri Hick Bar-B-Que Restaurant on old Route 66 for dinner. Then headed on home.
Having a bad day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. Still think you are having a Bad Day???? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. STILL think you're having Bad Day???? Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death. What?? STILL having a Bad Day???? Iraqi terrorist Kay Fanjet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with"Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better???? Thanks Mary
Beached
A small airplane carrying two people made an emergency landing on Jacksonville Beach on Saturday and landed nose down in the sand, police said. No one was injured.
The single-engine plane was returning to a Jacksonville area airfield when it lost power around 5 p.m., Police Sgt. Tom Bingham said. It was forced to land in the sand as beachgoers looked on from a distance.
The impact slightly damaged the plane's propeller and nose wheel.
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