Saturday, June 16, 2007
Baby on Board
If you really want to ensure that people actually do notice that you have a baby on board, you've got to try out this baby on board toy.
This unique toy shows a baby toy crying and gripping onto your car window - and not forgetting that yellow sign board around the neck. Now, that's bound to get some attention!
Falling off the wagon
Late one Saturday night, after a long and difficult day of visiting hospitals, nursing homes and elderly members of the congregation, a Southern Baptist preacher was making his weary way home. As he traveled the hilly, curving country road, he overtook a car. The slow moving car was weaving from one side of the road to the other in a most disturbing manner. Being familiar with most residents of the area he recognized the car as belonging to a member of his congregation.
"Oh no," said the preacher to himself, "Frank Johnson has fallen off the wagon again. The way that car is weaving, he must be really plastered. I better pull up beside him and get him to stop before he hurts himself."
Putting thought to action, the preacher pulled along side Frank's car just in time for the next swerve to run him off the road. Over the shoulder, down a steep bank, the preacher's car rolled over twice and came to rest against a large pine tree. Not completely senseless to the world, Frank stopped his car and staggered back to a point above the preacher's car.
Fortunately, the preacher had been using a seat belt. That and the relatively slow speed had prevented any injury. When Frank saw someone struggling out of the wrecked car, he yelled, "Who the hell are you?"
The preacher yelled back, "Frank Johnson, don't you talk to me like that."
"My God preacher, that you?"
"Yes Frank, it is, and I'll thank you not to take the Lord's name in vain. It's already bad enough that you're drunk."
"You OK preacher?"
"Yes Frank, fortunately the Lord was with me."
"You better let Him ride with me. Way you drive, you gonna kill Him."
Buried treasure?
On June 15, 1957, a new gold and white 1957 Plymouth Belvedere Sport Coupe was buried in a time capsule in downtown Tulsa, OK. The time capsule was part of Golden Jubilee Week: Tulsa's celebration of Oklahoma's semi-centennial. The car is buried under the sidewalk in front of the Tulsa County Courthouse, approximately 100 feet north of the intersection of Sixth Street and Denver Avenue
The car was seen as a method of acquainting twenty-first century citizens with a suitable representation of 1957 civilization. According to event chairman Lewis Roberts Sr., the Plymouth was chosen because it was "an advanced product of American industrial ingenuity with the kind of lasting appeal that will still be in style 50 years from now."
Yesterday, they dug it up. Here is what they found.
Upside-down bus
The Topsy-Turvy Bus, lovingly known as Topsy, was designed to dramatically depict America's upside down budget priorities.
Topsy is a brainchild of Ben Cohen, co-founder of Ben & Jerry's and noted artist Stefan Sagmeister, and was constructed by artist-mechanic Tom Kennedy.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Cool household tips
A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.
(hmmmmmm...)
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Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.
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For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't
refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!
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To remove old wax from a glass candle holder, put it in the freezer for a few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The
wax will fall out.
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Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
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Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
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Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S. Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw
away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S. pads last me indefinitely!
In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get 'sharpened'' this way!
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Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works
every time! (Now, where to put the body?) LOL
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Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks.
Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
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Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
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Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels
and linen.
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Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning.
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To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag an d add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt
and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm.
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To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to
a boil on stove top.
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Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
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Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
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When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
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Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. (I prefer to soak the lime in Gin and rub it on my tongue first)
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Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces ......... Left over wine? What's that?
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To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.
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Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants
tend to march. See for yourself.
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Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
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When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and
then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
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Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer........
Clean a toilet.
Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China .
Clean a vase.
To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
Polish jewelry.
Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
Clean a thermos bottle.
Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
Unclog a drain.
Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes,
and then run the hot water.
Thanks Joe P
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Firetruck
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and cat.
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", he says with admiration.
"Thanks!" the girl says.
The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Polish sausage
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no." "And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" "Well, I probably wouldn't." With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot.
Interesting observation
1.
The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Do Re Mi Beer
DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to... [Looks into an empty glass]
D'OH!
Thought for the day
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
— Will Rogers
If you stopped smoking right now....
In 20 minutes:
Your blood pressure will return to normal.
In 8 hours:
The carbon monoxide (toxic gas) levels in your blood stream will drop by half, and oxygen levels will return to normal.
In 48 hours:
Your chance of having a heart attack will begin its long decline. All nicotine will have left your body. Your sense of taste and smell will return to a normal level.
In 2 weeks:
Your circulation will increase, and it will continue to improve for the next 10 weeks.
Click on picture for larger version
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Advertising Look-a-Likes
The Gorton's Fisherman and Scottish Lady Tickler Sean Connery
KFC's Colonel Sanders and Empire Carpet's 588-2300...Empiiiiiire! Guy
Orville Redenbacher and SNL's The Church Lady
Ronald McDonald and Sweatin' to the Oldies' Richard Simmons
The Pillsbury Doughboy and "Comedian" Louie Anderson
At the pearly gates...
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Heaven?
The guy replies: "I'm Joe Caloway, taxi driver, of New York City."
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and goldenstaff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Now it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years."
St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. I get an ordinary cotton robe and wooden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
The Louisville Chugger
Cut the top off a whiffle ball bat, plug the small hole in the bottom, pour in the beer. Chug the beer, then spin around the bat for the amount of time it took you to chug said beer. Afterwards, try to hit the empty can and not fall.
Click the picture to watch the video.
Left Lane Drivers of America
Traffic has become increasingly congested and tempers flare as slower drivers occupy what has been historically referred to as the “fast lane”. It’s time to get that Left Lane back! It is our considered opinion that not only will traffic move more smoothly and more quickly once the Left Lane is used in the way it has been designed but also headaches, frustration, bad tempers and road rage will all be greatly reduced when this pressure valve is released. It’s time to reduce this unnecessary stress. I
t’s time that…
I’m a left lane driver, so I can relate to this.
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