Saturday, December 01, 2007
This just in.....
NEWS FLASH! - Tennessee's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Kentucky students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
Coincidence...
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'
'What a coincidence,'the farmer says, 'This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence' says the man.
As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying for years to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man, 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens have been infertile, but today they're finally laying eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
Why guys can't be friends with a girl who breaks up with them....
An interesting theory….
The McDonalds Anology
I know a girl who broke up with a guy and she told him she wanted to "still be friends." He said, "No thanks." She wondered why he couldn't fall back to being just friends after they had a romantic relationship. I came up with the "McDonalds Analogy" to try and explain it in a simple way that would help all women understand this tough question.
Imagine if you went to McDonalds a lot and ordered a Big Mac Combo meal. A Big Mac, Large Fries and a Coke. You really like this meal. One day, you pull up to the drivethrough and order the Big Mac Combo meal and the girl tells you, "I'm sorry - you can have the Big Mac and the Coke, but you can't get fries with that anymore." You think about this for a moment, and sure - the Big Mac is the centerpiece of the meal, but McDonalds has some really good fries and you like their fries with your meal. So you say, "I've been able to get fries with that before, why can't I have fries with my Big Mac combo anymore?" The girls says, "Well, I just think it is better if you only have the Big Mac and the Coke from here on out."
At this point, a lot of guys are going to go to Wendy's or BK and see if they can get fries with their combo at that drivethrough window. But there are some guys who REALLY like McDonalds Big Macs and they might think, "If I keep coming here and ordering the Big Mac and Coke, maybe she'll change her mind and give me some fries with that later." So they will keep on getting the combo without the fries until the deal breaker happens: One day that guy is going to order the Big Mac and Coke and then he's going to pull up a little bit to pay, and someone else is going to pull up to the drivethrough speaker and order the "Big Mac Combo" and he is going to hear the girl say, "Would you like fries with that?"
That's why guys don't like to be friends with a girl who breaks up with them.
Sliding Rocks of Racetrack Playa
One of the most interesting mysteries of Death Valley National Park is the sliding rocks at Racetrack Playa (a playa is a dry lake bed). These rocks can be found on the floor of the playa with long trails behind them. Somehow these rocks slide across the playa, cutting a furrow in the sediment as they move. Some of these rocks weigh several hundred pounds. That makes the question: "How do they move?" a very challenging one. The truth: No one knows for sure exactly how these rocks move - although a few people have come up with some pretty good explanations. The reason why their movement remains a mystery: No one has ever seen them in motion!
Now here's an idea.....
You know what would make life in America a lot more interesting and fun? The government should grant every citizen 3 prosecution-free homicides. The way it would work is, after you kill the guy, the police respond to the scene and hole-punch your Social Security card, like a drink ticket. If you already have 3 holes, you go to jail. I know I'd use up at least two of mine while shopping at Wal-Mart. How would I do it? Bare-handed strangulation, of course. I'd want to savor the experience. Attention service clerks: clean-up and body retrieval on aisle 14. With any luck, Wal-Mart would have a sale on homicides that day. Two-for-one special. That would be great. I'd have one left over for a guy who wears novelty t-shirts, or maybe Carrot Top.
China needs to proofread their products....
… before they send them to us. Or find someone who knows the English language.
I think they mean “insulated”.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Evel Knievel dead at 69
No that’s not a joke…..
CLEARWATER, Fla. - Evel Knievel, the red-white-and-blue-spangled motorcycle daredevil whose jumps over crazy obstacles including Greyhound buses, live sharks and Idaho's Snake River Canyon made him an international icon in the 1970s, died Friday. He was 69.
Knievel's death was confirmed by his granddaughter, Krysten Knievel. He had been in failing health for years, suffering from diabetes and pulmonary fibrosis, an incurable condition that scarred his lungs.
Knievel had undergone a liver transplant in 1999 after nearly dying of hepatitis C, likely contracted through a blood transfusion after one of his bone-shattering spills.
Longtime friend and promoter Billy Rundel said Knievel had trouble breathing at his Clearwater condominium and died before an ambulance could get him to a hospital.
"It's been coming for years, but you just don't expect it. Superman just doesn't die, right?" Rundel said.
80 year old marries for 4th time
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'
Thanks Gene
Ponderisms
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all..
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this . No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket..
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
Thanks Gene
12 ways to find stuff you lost...
From Professor Soloman, Finder of Lost Objects:
My method is based on what I call the Twelve Principles—a set of precepts designed to lead you directly to any lost object. Like a bloodhound!
The Twelve Principles are:
- Don’t Look for It
- It’s Not Lost—You Are
- Remember the Three C’s
- It’s Where It’s Supposed to Be
- Domestic Drift
- You’re Looking Right at It
- The Camouflage Effect
- Think Back
- Look Once, Look Well
- The Eureka Zone
- Tail Thyself
- It Wasn’t You
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
And So The Christmas Season Begins
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
Thanks Joe P
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Multiplication tricks
Here are a couple of multiplication tricks that are pretty cool: Multiply by 5 Take any number, then divide it by 2 (in other words, halve the number). If the result is whole, add a 0 at the end. If it is not, ignore the remainder and add a 5 at the end. It works everytime: Let’s try another:
Most people memorize the 5 times tables very easily, but when you get in to larger numbers it gets more complex - or does it? This trick is super easy.
Multiply by 11
We all know the trick when multiplying by ten - add 0 to the end of the number, but did you know there is an equally easy trick for multiplying a two digit number by 11? This is it:
Take the original number and imagine a space between the two digits (in this example we will use 52:
- 5_2
- Now add the two numbers together and put them in the middle:
- 5_(5+2)_2
- That is it - you have the answer: 572.
If the numbers in the middle add up to a 2 digit number, just insert the second number and add 1 to the first:
- 9_(9+9)_9
- (9+1)_8_9
- 10_8_9
- 1089 - It works every time.
Quick & Dirty IQ test
I think I’m getting dumber as I age. My IQ was 116 when I was in school….. quite a while back.
Here are my results of the Quick & Dirty IQ Test:
| Your IQ Is 105 |
 Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Above Average Your General Knowledge is Average |
I always thought I was very logical. Hmmmmm.
Maybe the test should have beeen dirtier. 
E-mail from God
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Thanks Joe P
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
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