Saturday, August 12, 2006
Tree waters itself
Lucille Pope's red oak tree in San Antonio TX, has baffled tree experts, water specialists and nursery professionals.
The knotted, towering tree, more than 100 years old, has become the root of scrutiny in her East Side neighborhood. The tree has gurgled water from its trunk for the past three months.
Pope, 65, has sought answers from several specialists, calling experts from the Texas Forest Service, the Edwards Aquifer Authority and nurseries for an explanation.
After snapping pictures, doing taste tests and conducting preliminary studies, they're still working to give her a definitive answer.
Two-headed baby born in Indonesia
Syafitri, an Indonesian baby born with two heads, sleeps in a Jakarta hospital August 10, 2006. The four-day-old baby girl weighs 7 pounds and 450 grams.
The virtual piano
DID’s (Digital Information Development) portable virtual piano lets you turn any surface into a musical keyboard. It uses “a red semiconductor laser module and holographic optical element” to project “a 25-key 2-octave keyboard onto the surface in front of it.” Expect to shell out $130 for this gadget when it’s released in November.
Watch this entertaining clip.How to build a motor in 30 seconds
OK, “build” is not the best word. How about “make” an electric motor that will run in excess of 10,000 RPM in 30 seconds?
All you need is one drywall screw, one 1.5 V alkaline cell, six inches of plain copper wire, and one small neodymium disk magnet. You do not need any other tools or supplies.
Instructions (with pictures) Hey, even I could do this!
Technobabble and Social Engineering 101
Man creates fictional items and advertises them for sale
Set of 4 Aeylind GL3 cabrinators. These are good quality, third series cabrination units with reinforced lode housings. They are in excellent condition - There is some heat discolouration on the rear units, but otherwise they are flawless. A spare crosslink protector is included.
They are currently tuned asynchronously but can easily be recalibrated if needed.
Am looking for a quick sale in order to upgrade to 5th series, hence low price of £200 ono.
Please note that these are NOT the XC models with onboard hetrodynes. I will not split the set so please don't ask!
He details all of his correspondence regarding these carbinators, which are actually the undersides of videogame joysticks.
In conclusion he writes:
- People will believe anything, no matter how ridiculous, as long as you sound authoritative and put in some practical details.
- People in offices are so bored that they'll follow up any old crap they see advertised in a vain effort to inject some interest into their day.
- Most people are stupid, but not quite as stupid as me.
Read the whole story Very funny stuff
Friday, August 11, 2006
The asylum
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug out.
Do you want a room with or without a view?"
How to collect bull semen
Just in case you want to know this.
Successful semen collection with an AV (artificial vagina) depends on the bull being comfortable around people, and they need to be trained to use the AV. However, bulls are big and dangerous, and personnel safety should be emphasized constantly. Most bulls in artificial insemination centers have a nose ring installed as a valuable and humane means of physical control. Bulls undergoing semen collection should be haltered and one should never tie a bull up by their nose ring - if startled, then can rip it out which is not only quite traumatic but yields an animal that may be exceptionally difficult to control. During collection, the person handling the AV must remain aware of where their feet are relative to the bull. As the animal ejaculates, it is common for him to jump forward. To avoid foot injury, collectors should wear boots with steel toes.
The ‘false mounting’ part doesn’t sound fair to the bull.
The Wilhelm scream
The Wilhelm scream is a stock sound effect first used in 1951 for the movie Distant Drums. It has been featured in dozens of movies since. Alongside a certain recording of the cry of the Red-tailed Hawk, the "Universal telephone ring" [1] and "castle thunder," it is probably one of the most well-known cinematic sound clichés.
It’s also used in video games and television shows.
I had no idea this was so prevalent.
Here is a video that shows clips of just some of it’s uses. Once you hear it, you realize it’s the same sound effect.
Remind you of anything?
The mountain, located 12km north of Zhenfeng town in the Guizhou province, is known locally as dual breast mountain.
The mountain is used as a place of worship by the community.
Locals come to the foot of the mountain during weddings believing it will bring them goodness and fortune.
Ketchup with custom labels
Heinz Ketchup wants to help you celebrate! Whether as a unique favor, customized gift or just for fun, custom bottles from Heinz help to make any occasion special.
Several sizes are available. The typical 14 oz bottle (right) is $6.
Magical stripper
Something you won’t see on America’s Got Talent.
This video jumped did some stopping and starting for me…but I hung in there to the end. (I put it on pause and let it get buffered ahead.) Plays great the second time through. And the third and fourth and the fifth times too. Not to mention the sixth and seventh time.
Watch. (Contains some nudity)
Update: Try this link
Thanks Danny Mac
14,446 hits yesterday
This blog usually gets between 3,000 and 4,000 hits a day. After this link with the picture of the frog in the bag of lettuce… http://bitsandpieces1.blogspot.com/2006/07/fresh-greens.html was put on BoingBoing we got 14,446 hits in just one day.
Welcome to the new readers who discovered Bits & Pieces from this link. Hope you enjoy your stay.
And… Thanks to BoingBoing.
You can upload one photo and create a simulated collage.Thursday, August 10, 2006
Amazingly simple home remedies
1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a three minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools:
WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. When all else fails, toss down a good shot of whiskey and take a nap.
Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
Thanks Mickie
Calling the cops
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Does someone live in your shed?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now, cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them?"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available?"
Prince Charles and the Genie
Prince Charles was driving on his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, killing it instantly. He jumped out of his car and sat down on the grass, distraught. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half buried in the ground. He dug it up and polished it off. A genie appeared and said, "You have freed me from thousands of years of captivity. As a reward I will grant you one wish."
"Well," Prince Charles said, "I have all the things I need, but I just killed this dog. Is there any way you can bring it back to life?"
The genie looked at the dog and said, "The dog is too mutilated to bring back to life. Is there something else you would like?"
The prince thought for a moment, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman named Diana," Prince Charles said, showing the genie the first photo. "The whole country loved her. But we divorced and then she died. A few months ago I married this woman, Camilla."
He showed the genie the second photo, then said, "Camilla isn't the beauty Diana was, and everyone hates her. Do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
The genie studied the two photographs and after a few moments said, "Let's have a look at that dog again."
Give me an H
Windows XP 15 minute tune-up
Is your PC a little sluggish?
A fine-tuned Windows XP PC can run quite fast even it's seriously lacking in the memory and CPU department. Before you chuck out your PC to buy a new one, try stripping some of the rust that's built-up over the years; the results may surprise you.
It's probably your operating system that's slow, not the PC. It's software, not hardware - you know, invisible 1s and 0s held in an electric field representing your data. Your computer is still fast, but there's a ton of stuff slowing it down. There's more 1s where there should be 0s and your PC is killing itself fighting an impossible battle to burn off this fat.
We've seen Pentium II machines with 128 MB RAM run XP faster than Pentium IVs with 4x the clock speed and 4x the RAM - so what gives? This article will help you figure out why your PC is running slow and outline exact steps to fix it quickly, before throwing in the towel with a format, restore, or new PC purchase.
The Windows XP 15 minute tune-up (I’m going to go thru it when I have time)
Dolphin stress test
It's a simple test designed to indicate whether people have too much stress in their life.
It's a picture of two dolphins. The two dolphins appear normal when viewed by a stress-free individual. This test is not accurate enough to pick up mild stress levels.
It's quite simple. If there is anything that appears different about the dolphins (ignore the fact of the slight color differences) it is often an indication of potential stress related problems. Differences, if any, may also indicate the source of your stress.
Sit upright and viewing the screen head-on, take a deep breath, breathe out and then open the picture and look directly at it.
If there is anything out of the ordinary then you should consider taking things a little easier..
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Banana split
A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper," an ice cream parlor in Trailer Estates, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis!"
Little old lady....
Little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."
Humorous quotations
Here are a few:
"Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected."
---Unknown
"People like you are the reason people like me take pills!"
---Neva Faith Linn
"There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and…."
---Brad Ramsey
"Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't match and boys had cooties!"
---Unknown
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
---Oscar Wilde
"A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married."
---H.L. Mencken
"I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things."
---Alan Coren
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet."
---Bill Cosby
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
---Franklin Jones
"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."
---Robin Williams (on Clinton/Lewinsky affair)
"Teenager with nose ring, baggy clothing and spiked hair to friend: I don't really like dressing like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go."
---Unknown
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen or oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
---Dave Berry
The attorney
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home,his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual,he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath,the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had,she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door,she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight,"she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD,WOMAN DON'T YOU EVER STOP!!!
Thanks Phyllis
Anti-Stupidity Pill
A German scientist has been testing an "anti-stupidity" pill with encouraging results on mice and fruit flies, Bild newspaper reported Saturday.
… It said Hans-Hilger Ropers, director at Max-Planck-Institute for Molecular Genetics in Berlin, has tested a pill thwarting hyperactivity in certain brain nerve cells, helping stabilize short-term memory and improve attentiveness.
Mike's new office
See how some coworkers pranked a “friend’ Mike in their office. apparently Mike was out of town for a few days… and they had some cardboard lying around… hence the results.
Many more pics at Mike’s New Office.
Isn’t this what friends are for?
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
In sickness and in health...
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the Hell away from me."
No one to tell
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty and chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.
One exceptionally beautiful Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up knowing that he just had to play golf. So he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick, asking him to take over the mass for that day. As soon as the associate pastor had left the room, Father Norton was out the door, headed for a golf course a couple of hours away (so he would not accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish). Setting up on the first tee, he was alone, utterly alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church.
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord and asked, "You are not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and answered, "No, I guess not."
Father Norton hit the ball. It shot straight towards the pin, landed just short of it ... rolled up, and dropped neatly into the hole. It was a 420-yard hole in one!
St. Peter was astonished: "Why in heaven did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled. "Who is he going to tell?"
Why is it.....
…that despite knowing they will be tested, more and more winners of the world's most prestigious sports championships are testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs?
A ) Their competitive spirit is so strong it overrides both conscience and caution.
B ) Their judgment is clouded by performance-enhancing drugs.
C ) They're not too smart.
Hint: Why do you think they call it doping?
The five stages of drunkeness
According to the BBC:
Stage 1 - FEELING CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right, and, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realism that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.
Stage 5- INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.
Goggle's Flight Simulator
Flying over the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. A flight simulator using Google Maps. Pretty cool idea. Was a little choppy, but that might be because of my DSL connection here in the boonies
. You can start out in San Francisco, New York, Washington D.C., London, Dublin, Paris, Helsinki, Sydney, Hong Kong, Tokyo, Mars or the moon.
To control the plane use the arrow keys to bank and five, and A and Z to change speed, and Space to fire.
Strange animal friends
Chino and FalstaffChino is a 9-year-old Golden Retriever with fuzzy paws, and Falstaff is a 15-inch orange and black koi who likes to nibble on fuzzy paws.
The two have been fast friends for three years now, according to Mary and Dan Heath of Medford, Oregon. When Chino lies down with his nose an inch from the water, Falstaff eagerly swims up to the dog, sometimes playfully nibbling on the pooch’s paws.
Ms. Heath describes how their pooch reacted to the small pond in the back yard of their new house: “Chino just got real fascinated. He would lie there on the rocks and just watch the fish. This is one of the few things that’ll get him to wag his tail.”
Finnegan the Squirrel
Finnegan the squirrel was found injured and malnourished in the Seattle area in September 2005, when he was only a few days old. He was brought to Debby Cantlon, who had a reputation for taking in sick and injured animals. Ms. Cantlon reported that her pregnant Papillon dog, Mademoiselle Giselle, repeatedly dragged the kennel in which Finnegan was being cared for across the house and deposited it next to her own doggie bed. After Mademoiselle Giselle gave birth to her pups, she continued to care for Finnegan, even allowing him to nurse with her own. More details (and a lot more pics!) of this canine-rodent love-nest can be found here.
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