Saturday, June 17, 2006
Army porta-pottie prank
Two guys run up and knock over a porta-pottie that their buddy is taking care of business in.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Sleeping tiger
Actually more like passed out tiger. This is what friends are for. Imagine what your enemies would do to you when you’re so vulnerable.
A man's answer to Maxine
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Thanks Phyllis
World's tallest building
At 181 stories, 553.33m 1,815 ft., 5 in. it is the world's tallest building and free-standing structure- Height of: § Glass Floor - 113 stories - 1,122ft. § Look Out Level - 114 stories- 1,136ft. § Sky Pod - 147 stories-1,465ft.
- The CN Tower was built by the Canadian National Railway.
- Opened to the public on June 26, 1976
- Official opening on October 1, 1976
- Original cost: $63 million
- Total weight of the Tower: 130,000 tons
- Attendance: about 2 million per year
- Glass Floor was opened on June 26, 1994
- Thickness of The Glass Floor: 2 1/2 ". Layers, from the top down: § 3/16" scuff plate (replaced annually) § Two 1/2" layers of clear tempered glass, laminated together. A one inch layer of air (for insulation). Two 1/4" layers of clear tempered glass, laminated together. Size of each panel: 42" by 50". Load tests are performed annually on each panel to ensure safety.
I’ve been there and the glass floor is really cool.
Thanks Deadeye
Zarqawi in Heaven
Al-Zarqawi arrives in heaven.
There he is greeted by George Washington, who proceeds to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approaches and punches Al-Zarqawi in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison enters, kicks Al-Zarqawi in the balls and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson comes in and proceeds to beat Al-Zarqawi many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!".
These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.
As Al-Zarqawi lays bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appears. Al-Zarqawi, weeping in pain, says to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?
Thanks Ronnie
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Live your life
A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
"I love it ," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied.
"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing." Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
"I love it ," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied.
"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing." Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
via
20 year old turtle trapped in 6-pack ring
You should always cut those plastic six-pack rings before throwing it away, here’s why: a turtle in the Ozarks is terribly deformed by living trapped in one of the rings. Let this be a lesson for your kids not to litter.
He’s doing OK but they are worried about his lungs. They don’t appear normal on x-rays. But hey, he’s 20 years old. This must have happened years ago as he was growing.
Confession
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
" I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his place of business; had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs;and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish, full good and loving people."..
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
The Beer's Prayer
Our Lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the Pub.
Give us this day, our foamy head,
And forgive us for our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill on us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.
For ever and ever
BARMEN.
Corporate mergers
Investment tips for 2006..
.. for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2006:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: Zip Audi DoDa.
5.) FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
9.) Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
Kinda… Sorta….
Dog with two noses
Unique-looking dog seeks new home
Forget the old joke which starts 'my dog has got no nose...' - Duo the Staffordshire bull terrier has two.
Staff at Newcastle Dog and Cat Shelter are having problems finding a home for the three-year-old because of his unique appearance caused by a harelip.
The dog, named Duo by shelter staff, was handed in to them by police after apparently being lost or abandoned.
Staff at the shelter said vets had not seen a harelip to such an extent in a dog before.
Head of fundraising Michelle Pyle said: "We've had a few people come and see him and say he's a freak.
"Duo is not a freak, he's just unusual. Not many people can say they've got a dog like that."
Egg laying
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded 
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Bryan, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed"
Thanks Phyllis
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Dirty sounding names
Here are just a few:
- Anita Bath
- Amanda Faulk
- Ben Derhover
- Bo Nerr
- Anita P. Ness
- C. Mike Rack
- Dick Trickle
- E. Rex Sean
- Freida Brest
- Harry P. Ness
- Hugh Janus
- Ivan Itchinanus
- Phillip McCrack
- Willie B. Hardigan
An old couple go to a fast food restaurant...
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink..
The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." 
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered "THE TEETH."
How to stay calm during an argument
A LOT OF THINGS MIGHT HELP you in your relationship, but when you try to sift out the most important, your ability to deal with conflict will be at or near the top of the list.
Would you like to experience less conflict? Would you like to feel calmer during conflicts? Would you like to resolve them easier?
Here's how: Remember whatever is happening is temporary.
There are several reasons this principle is so important.
It’s no wonder people hate AOL.TOP TEN REASONS WHY NOBODY READS YOUR BLOG
1. You're not a good-looking female who likes posting naked pictures of herself.
Pretty damn obvious, if you ask me. [Not safe for work. You've been warned.]
2. There's nothing in it for them.
Yeah, people really want to spend the short time they've been given on this Earth to find out what an unemployed managing consultant dork has to say. Dream on.
3. "Passion & Authority" are just buzzwords to you.
Yeah, I've read the Cluetrain as well. So has my pet canary. Get back in line.
4. A secret cabal of A-Listers got together and decided that you should be excluded from the conversation.
Yeah, they sit around sipping champagne, eating caviar and laughing about you.
5. You have nothing to say.
The fact that you haven't figured this out yet surprises everyone.
6. You're not The Assimilated Negro.
TAN is smart and funny. You are not. Get over it.
7. You didn't recently sell your company to AOL for $25 million.
Somehow your eighth-grade English teacher managed to convince you that truth & beauty were more important to people than money & power. And you've been paying dearly for it ever since.
8. The very fact that you're whining about traffic makes people not want to read your blog.
Instead it makes them want to emulate the champagne-swigging A-Listers currently mocking you.
9. You've only been writing the damn thing for a week.
And you're already whinging. See Point Number Eight.
10. The Long Tail is very, very long.
Branson MO
I’m on a 2 day trip in Branson videotaping a presentation at a conference. We’re staying at the Chateau on the Lake, I think the largets resort in the area. This is a view early this morning from the balcony of my hotel overlooking Table Rock Lake.
There is a new area near Downtown Branson that just opened last Thursday called Branson Landing. It is a shopping, dining and attraction area that is about 50% complete. The outdoor mall is anchored on either end by Bass Pro Shop and a Belk’s Department Store. You can take a trolley up and down the main drag of the 450,000 Sq. ft. center.
The Landing is adjacent to Lake Taneycomo and covers more than 95 acres. It also has two full-service Hilton Hotels under construction.
There are building a 220,000 sq. ft.convention center there also that should be complete in 2007. It will also feature a $7.5 million spectacular nightly attraction that synchronizes water, fire, lights and music.
Note: Looks like the FTP (photo upload) worked. This post was created yesterday (Tuesday).
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Warning from Pakistan
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.
And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps.
It's getting ugly.
Polish sausage
In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" the man asked the clerk in the store.
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian, or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? If I had asked for sushi would you have asked me if I was Japanese, or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish, or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
Top 10 signs you're flat broke
1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
2. You wash your toilet paper
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
5. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
6. At communion you go back for seconds.
7. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
8. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
9. You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
10. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
An Edumacation
Two
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's! true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."
Thanks Phyllis
How flies walk on ceilings
Walking upside-down requires a careful balance of adhesion and weight, and specialized trekking tools to combat the constant tug of gravity. Each fly foot has two fat footpads that give the insect plenty of surface area with which to cling. The adhesive pads on the feet, called pulvilli, come equipped with tiny hairs that have spatula-like tips. These hairs are called setae. Scientists once thought that the curved shape of the hairs suggested that flies used them to grip onto the ceiling. In fact, the hairs produce a glue-like substance made of sugars and oils.
Out of town for a couple days
I’m in Branson MO for a couple days. I tried to post from here, but for some reason am unable to upload any pictures.
Regular posting will resume when I return home…unless I can figure out my problem here.
Jonco
Monday, June 12, 2006
Top, Bad, Strangest, Highest, Stupidest, Overated and Most Important Lists
From Look At This
Top 10 Geeky Father's Day Gifts
Top 87 Bad Predictions about the Future
Top 10 Strangest Clocks
Top Ten Myths About Evolution
Top 10 Highest Skyscrapers Photos
10 Father's Day Gifts Dad That Actually Make Sense
10 Names That Would Get My Kid Beat Up
10 Stupid Engineering Mistakes
10 Things You Oughta Know About Breaking Up/Being Broken Up With
Top 10 Most Overrated Bands
Top 15 Strangest Coincidences
The Top 25 X-Men
The 20 Most Important Tools Ever
Stearnest Meanings
Sternest Meanings is a master of wordplay. He has been described as a fascinating conversationalist and a weirdo of flaunter. Sternest Meanings is an anagram of 'instant messenger.' Whatever you say to it, it responds with an anagram.
Bits and Pieces
Bias inspected.
buffy the vampire slayer
Pithy female braves fury.
wonk wonk wonk
Know know know.
tits and beer
Detest brain.
homeland security
Our decline's a myth.
alan gore
Anal ogre.
how's the sternest feeling today
Good! Threaten filthy sweetness.
bush administration
This bandit is our man!
alliance
Anal lice.
George W Bush
He grew bogus.
sony playstation 2
National spy toys.
what did you just call me
Ouch! Wild, adult majesty.
the importance of being earnest
One fearsome, penetrating bitch.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Marine sniper interview
A touchy-CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked,
"What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?"
The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."
Thanks Donnie Mac
Wal*Mart Greeter
The Wal-Mart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"? The ugly woman says "No, the oldest one is 9 and the younger one is 7. Why?........ Do you think they really look alike?" "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice"! Thanks Donnie Mac
A very unattractive, mean acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.
No Pun Jobs
My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried to be a Tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it--mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.
Then, I tried to be a Chef -
figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a Musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy
I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but I didn't have any patience.
Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian -
until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT,
AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Thanks Brother Paul
Ann Coulter hangs up on radio interviewer when asked about illegal immigrants
Ann Coulter was a guest on McGraw Milhaven’s talk show on KTRS radio in St. Louis. She got offended when he asked a question that wasn’t about her book and hung up.
Link to site with audio of the conversation where she hangs up.
I needed something to clean the toilet with and there was a copy of this thing laying out in the gutter, so I snagged it and tore pages out of it to clean the inside of the bowl…..
Zebra almost drowns lion
A lion almost bit off more than he could chew when he attacked a zebra.
This is the moment when the hunted turned the tables on the hunter - and won. A seemingly doomed zebra, in the vice-like grip of a lioness's jaws, refuses to lie down and die.
Instead the animal, caught by the predator in a shallow river, struggles to lower the lioness's head towards the water...in an attempt to drown the attacker.
Only when the partly-submerged lioness is starved of air does it release its grip and give the zebra a momentary chance of escape.
World Naked Bike Ride
Yesterday, Saturday, June 10th was World Naked Bike Ride Day. 
The ride demonstrates the vulnerability of cyclists on the road and is a protest against oil dependency.
It's time to put a stop to the indecent exposure of people and the planet to cars and the pollution they create.
According to the United Nations (http://www.un.org/), close to a million species of plants and animals could disappear from the face of the earth in the next 50 years as a result of greenhouse gasses being released primarily from motor vehicles.
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