Saturday, August 05, 2006

Do you take this woman....

…or that woman?


In mourning



I'm not as drunk as you think I am

DrunkMusical poetry.  

 Very funny.


Not tonight..... I've got a headache



Reporting Live.....

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.  I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f*#kin' wall."

Thanks Mickie

Flying with the Pope

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters u-n-t?"

Only one word leapt to mind...

"My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"


Bambo's Revenge

A deer gets revenge on a deer hunter.

Watch the video.  (Update: Link corrected)


Riding high

Ladder Cycling (Small)






Hippo on man


Friday, August 04, 2006

Almost.. if you don't count 11:31 pm - 6:59 am


And you thought you had a bad day

This is the true story of a man who had a 6 inch parasitic fish (a candiru) swim up his penis and lodge itself in it.


Watch the Animal Planet video clip.


Sleep cheap



For the modern man

Inflatable Wife


How's your weather?

Weather map


The Athiest and the bear

BearGrowlAn atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.  As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God.... !" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:  "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and said:  "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a
Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:  "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen. "


Knot right

Knot right


Altered states

Altered pool


Roots of lust



Sex ed - Making babies

A second grader come home from school and said to her mother,

"Mum, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.

The Mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool .

"Thats interesting" she said "How do u make babies?"

"Its simple" replied the girl. "You just change the "y" to "i" and add "es'.


Things we could learn from our four legged doggie friends

  • Dog_clipart_boneWhen loved ones come home,always run to greet them.
  • Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
  • Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
  • When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
  • Take naps.
  • Stretch before rising.
  • Run, romp, and play daily.
  • Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
  • Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
  • On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
  • On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
  • When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
  • No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout..! run right back and make friends.
  • Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
  • Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
  • Stop when you have had enough.
  • Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
  • If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
  • When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently


Just poppin in...



Is nothing sacred anymore?

From The daily Mail:

Station bosses ban fireman pole amid health and safety fears

Fire poleBarmy fire chiefs came under a blaze of criticism today after they banned the traditional fireman's pole - because it posed a 'health and safety hazard'.

Firefighters risk their lives every day but bosses overseeing the construction of a new £2.4 million station ruled the poles are too dangerous.

It is feared someone may slip off and hurt themselves, get repetitive back strain, turn an ankle or, heaven forbid, suffer severe chaffing to the hands and or thighs.

Staff will now have to run down the stairs of the new Greenbank Fire Station in Plymouth, Devon, raising concerns that vital seconds will be lost on their way to a 999 emergency call.

Read more


A loving husband...

CoupleA man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.  While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."  The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.  
  The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend  only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance."

Thanks Phyllis

Close your eyes and go back.....

....Before the Internet or PC or the MAC......
....Before semi-automatics and crack....
....Before Play station, SEGA, Super Nintendo, even before Atari...
....Before cell phones, CD's, DVD's, voicemail and e-mail....
....way back....
....way.....way.....way back.....

I'm talkin' bout hide and seek at dusk
Red light, Green light
Red Rover....Red Rover.....
Playing kickball & dodge ball until the streetlight came on
Ring around the Rosie
London Bridge
Hot potato
Hop Scotch
Jump rope
Kick the can!!!
Parents stood on the front porch and yelled (or whistled) for you to come home -
no pagers or cell phones
Mother May I?
Hula Hoops
Seeing shapes in the clouds
Endless summer days and hot summer nights (no A/C) with the windows open
The sound of crickets
Running through the sprinkler
Happy Meals
Cereal boxes with that GREAT prize in the bottom
Cracker jacks with the same thing
Popsicles with 2 sticks you could break and share with a friend

...but wait.....there's more....

Watchin' Saturday Morning cartoons  (you had 3 channels to choose from)
Fat Albert, Road Runner, Smurfs, Picture Pages, G-Force & He-Man, Schoolhouse Rock….
Going even farther back….  Roy Rogers, Wild Bill Hicock, Sky King, Hopalong Cassidy….
…The Adventures of Superman, Bonanza (in color), Ozzie and Harriet
Watchin' Sunday morning oldies (Abbott & Costello, Three Stooges) Wonder Woman & Super Man Underoos, 
Playing Dukes of Hazard
Catchin' lightning bugs in a jar
Christmas morning
Your first day of school
Bedtime Prayers and Goodnight Kisses
Climbing trees
Swinging as high as you could to try and reach the sky
Getting an Ice Cream off the Good Humor Truck
A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers
Jumpin' down the steps
Jumpin' on the bed
Pillow fights
Sleep overs
A 13" black and white TV in your room meant you were RICH
Runnin' till you were out of breath
Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt
Being tired from PLAYING
WORK: meant taking out the garbage or doing the dishes
Your first crush
Your first kiss (I mean the one that you kept your mouth CLOSED and your eyes OPEN)

Rainy days at school meant playing "Heads up 7UP" or "hangman" in the classroom, Remember that?

Oh, I'm not finished yet....

Kool-Aid was the drink of the summer
So was a swig from the hose
Giving your friends a ride on your handlebars
Playing Wiffle Ball in the back yard
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school
Class Field Trips with soggy sandwiches
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance, and another quarter a MIRACLE
When ANY parent could discipline ANY kid, or feed him, or use him to carry Groceries... And nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When your parents took you to McDonalds and you were COOL
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited you at home.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! And some of us are still afraid of em!

Didn't that feel good? Just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that!"
Well, let's keep going!!   Let's go back to the time when...

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issues" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly"
Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old, referred to anyone over 20. (CRAP! I'm officially old!)

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
Nobody was prettier than Mom
Scrapes and bruises were kissed by mom or grandma and made better
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discoverd because of a "double-dog-dare"
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
Water balloons were the ultimate, ultimate weapon.
Older siblings were your worst tormentors, but also your fiercest protector

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life......

Thanks Joe P

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Ho ho ho, it's off to work I go...



Ghetto Mac







Dog patrol

Dog Vacation Hondenvakantie


Pop that zit

OXY Acne Treatment 1


Is this what global warming is all about?



New supermarket

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

Thanks Ronnie

Worst fas food - healthwise anyway

Here are a few favorites:

WhopperBurger King’s Triple Whopper With Cheese is a perfect example of why more is not better. A regular Whopper With Cheese already delivers 760 calories, 47 grams of total fat including 16 grams of saturated fat. But when you triple it up, this meal tips the scales at 1,230 calories and 82 grams of fat including 32 grams of saturated fat. (And that’s before you order a side of fries!)

You might think you’re doing a good thing by ordering the Taco Bell Fiesta Taco Salad. But don’t let the word “salad” delude you into believing that this meal is healthy. This bowlful of goodies packs 860 calories, 46 grams of total fat, 14 grams of which are saturated fat.

Subway may have several healthy sandwiches (the ones that helped poster-boy Jared slim down), but that doesn’t mean there aren’t a few bad choices on offer. Avoid the 6-inch Double Meat Classic Tuna, which, thanks to lots of artery-clogging cheese and mayonnaise, packs 790 calories, 55 grams of fat, including 16 grams of saturated fat.

On a hot summer day, a stop at Dairy Queen seems like the perfect treat. But watch out that you’re not treating yourself to more than you bargained for. A large serving of its Caramel CheeseQuake Blizzard means spooning up a whopping 1,290 calories, 500 of those calories come from fat, including 39 grams of saturated fat.



Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Redneck Air

“$30 for installation?   No thanks, I can do that.  How hard can it be?”
DIY Air conditioner

I have CDO

I have CDO.

It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.


An elephant's memory

ElephantIn 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man’s legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.


A love story

Fruit can 011This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."


Emotional extremes and the Texan

The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the UH student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from the University of Texas.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of woe?

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."


Animal Crackers

AnimalcrackersWhen the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained."I'm looking for the seal."




(The one on the left is the actual chicken)





Can you pass a third grade test?

I failed.  I’m embarrassed.  The short bus is coming to pick me up.

Can you pass a third grade test?

How to decide who to marry.... as told by kids

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.  Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10


(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.  -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at  the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8


(1) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8


(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know  each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough -– Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10


(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9


(1) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7  (Thatta Girl! )

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that - - Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids w i th them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --
Theodore, age 8

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........


(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a  truck. -- Ricky, age 10

Thanks Phyllis

French Snipers

French sniper training at its finest!??

As one astute observer noted, "you gotta love da Frenchies; only they could come up with a field expedient bench rest that looks like a still shot from "Broke Back Mountain"

french sniper
Note: This is a valid psychological two-part procedure....first you "moon" your enemy, making him furious and when he stands up to give you the finger you have a MUCH larger target so that even a French sniper can't miss!

Thanks Gary J

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Thumbs Up

Finger Statue Vingerstandbeeld


The perfect joke

 A perfect men and a perfect woman met in a perfect day.

After some perfect dates they had a perfect wedding.

One night on X-mas they drove there perfect car on a dangerous road, but suddenly they saw a man on the side of the road, and because they are perfect they stopped for him and they discovered theta that man is Santa, and he is carrying a bag of gifts.

Santa got in the car and they drove away.

After a couple of minutes there was an accident and 2 of them died. Only the woman survived...

Why did the woman survived, you ask?... because the perfect man an Santa does not existent.

If you are a woman: Stop reading here.

If you are a man: If the perfect man an Santa does not existent, that means that the woman was driving and that explains the accident.

If you are a woman and you kept reading: You just proved that women won’t listen!

via  (NSFW content)

It's SO Hot.....

Another 100+ degree day here in St. Louis.

It’s SO HOT…..

  • The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
  • The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
  • Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
  • The cows are giving evaporated milk.
  • The trees are whistling for the dogs.
  • You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
  • You can say 113 degrees (45°C) without fainting.
  • You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
  • Or go to McDonalds to get coffee and pour it on your lap -- just to cool off!
  • You can make instant sun tea.
  • You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
  • The temperature drops below 95 (35°C), you feel a bit chilly.
  • You have experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
  • You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
  • You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
  • The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
  • You discover that in July, it takes only two fingers to drive your car.
  • You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
  • You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
  • Hot water now comes out of both taps.
  • It is noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
  • You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
  • You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
  • No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
  • Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
  • You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
  • They don't bother making themometers that go below 70 degrees.


Extreme Hammocking

Hammock1 Hammock2 Hammock3
The 'stunts' depicted on this site were performed by professionals, despite their best judgement.Too much sun and way too much beer will do that to you. You probably don't want to try this at home, but if you do take it to the extreme, take pictures and send them in. We'll add your submissions to the site and give you credit too! Double check your knots, test the weight first, and use a spotter (best if the spotter takes the pictures too). Keep it extreme!


Let's see.... where do I put my hands?

KarmasheetraThrough its unique design, the Karmasheetra guides its owner to try those positions you’ve always wanted to, no more awkward moments where you’re not quite sure where to put those hands and feet.

Some say the Karmasheetra is the lost linen of an ancient Indian civilization, linked to the karma sutra, which will enable the user to master the subtle art of sensual love making and allow you and your partner to participate in sheer unadulterated pleasure ...

... although, some say it’s just a white sheet covered in pink and blue hands and feet.



You can lead a pig to the toilet....

..... and you can teach him to use it.

World Record Beer Guzzler

GuinnessAccording to the Guiness Book of World Records, Steven Petrosino drank 1 liter of beer (33 ounces) in 1.3 seconds on June 22, 1977 at the Gingerbreadman in Carlise, PA, a 56% improvement over the previous world record record set several years earlier by Peter Dowdeswell of England (2.3 seconds for 1 liter).

That’s fast!



Life Quotes

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.   Mark Twain

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.   Oscar Wilde

It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change   Charles Darwin

Some people walk in the rain. Others just get wet.   Roger Miller

It is a sad thing to look at happiness only through another's eyes   Marquerite Blessington

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.  George Bernard Shaw

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.  Helen Keller

Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy.   Robert Anthony

Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive.  And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. Harold Whitman

Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.   Cynthia Nelms

 If you're going through hell, keep going.  Winston Churchill

We can throw stones, complain about them, stumble on them, climb over them, or build with them.  William Arthur Ward

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever   Gandhi

How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.  George Washington Carver

It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness. Charles Spurgeon

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens. Circumstances and situations do color life but you have been given the mind to choose what the color shall be.   John Homer Miller

The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not our circumstances.  Martha Washington

We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.   Charles Bukowski

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?   Charles M Schulz

From  via

Monday, July 31, 2006

On the road again....

Weirdo s On Tour


Fresh greens

Look closely at the package.
Fresh Vegetables



Doormat Deurmat


Pigs on a hog

Cattle-dealer Veehandelaar


Dog Ransom



Top Ten Things That Math and Sex Have in Common

10. Explicit discussions of either topic is a faux pas at most cocktail parties.
9. Historically, men have been in control, but there are now efforts to get women more involved.
8. There are many joint results.
7. Both are prominent on college campuses, and are usually practiced indoors.
6. Most people wish they knew more about both subjects.
5. Both involve long and hard problems, and can produce interesting topology and geometry.
4. Both merit undivided attention, but mathematicians are prone to think about one while doing the other.
3. Saint Augustine was hostile to both, and Alan Turing took an unusual approach to both.
2. Both typically begin with a lot of hard work and end with a great but brief reward.
1. Professionals are generally viewed with suspicion, and most do not earn high pay.


Mirror, mirror on the wall....



Little Leroy

 Little Leroy's birthday was coming up quickly. Catching his mother making supper in the kitchen, he thought this would be a good time to tell her that he wanted a bicycle for his birthday. But little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. In fact, he had gotten into trouble only just yesterday, and had to be sent to his room. So, naturally, Leroy's mother asked him if he deserved to get a bicycle for his birthday. And Leroy, just as naturally, thought he did.

Leroy's mother suggested he reflect on his behavior over the past year, and then write a letter to God and tell Him why he deserved a bicycle for his birthday. No problem, thought Leroy, and stomped up the stairs to his room to write God a letter:

    Dear God,
    I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
    Your friend, Leroy.

... Er, even Leroy quickly realized this was not at all true. Let's face it, he had not been a very good boy that year. So he tore up the first letter and started over:

    Dear God,
    This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
    Thank you, Leroy.

... Uhm, that was not so good either. Third try:

    Dear God,
    I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday,

But Leroy was honest enough with himself to realism that even this was not precisely truthful. Tearing it up, he wrote yet another letter:

    Dear God,
    I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
    Thank you, Leroy.

Oh, but that letter for sure was not going to get him his bicycle. Torn: God would know if he was being honest, but honesty was not going to earn him his bicycle. By now, Leroy was getting very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to the church. She agreed -- maybe her plan had worked? -- and told him just to be home in time for dinner.

So little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar: what do I do, what do I do, I really, really want that bicycle, but no way God is ever going to reward me. Suddenly -- a quick glance around, no one was watching -- he snatched up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under his shirt, and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, up into his room. Then he shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen to begin yet another letter to God:

    Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.



A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;  God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


Wife vs husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
“Yep”, the wife replied, “in-laws”.


Can I get cheese on that?



I'm not very hungry any more