Off to Springfield IL

We’re off on a one day motorcycle trip to Springfield to visit the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library.  It’s supposed to be great weather here in the Midwest this weekend, though a tad chilly as we leave about 6 am.  We should be back late this evening (Saturday).

Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum website

The Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library is the premier repository for materials relating to the history of the Prairie State. The Illinois State Historical Library was created in 1889 by the Illinois General Assembly, which charged the new library with collecting and preserving "books, pamphlets, manuscripts, monographs, writings, and other materials of historical interest and useful to the historian, bearing upon the political, religious, or social history of the State of Illinois from the earliest known period of time."

An elephant never forgets

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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Thoughts for the day

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ..

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

and finally…….

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.

Acronyms R Us

Pre Owned Office Products

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The Lord works in mysterious ways...

Shed falls from the sky
It may go down in the books as an unexplained phenomena, although for insurance purposes there might be a case for an act of God.

Last Monday afternoon, skies were virtually clear and there was only a light breeze at Elkhorn in Casey County Kentucky, when a four-thousand pound aluminum storage building rose from the rear of a church and fell onto the church roof.

Pastor Jeff Edwards of the Pine Grove Church says the 12-by-24 foot building had a few building supplies inside, but no explosive materials. No suspicious residues were found by the sheriff's office and state police. The flying shed left a hole in a wall of the church.

Texas Eastern Gas found no evidence of natural gas leaks. Edwards says in Acts Chapter One, the Bible says that Jesus ascended and that "... the 120 were in the upper room praying." He also quoted Acts Chapter two that says the Holy Spirit came as a "... rushing, mighty wind, and it sealed those that were in the upper room praying."

The day before the incident, church attendance had been 120, and the hole in the church wall was in the prayer room. Damage has been estimated at nearly $20,000.

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Really, really close-up

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Biology exam

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk", worth 70 points or none at all. One student, who had also partied the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote...
  
  1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
  2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
  3.) It is always the right temperature.
   4.) It is inexpensive.
  5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
  6.) It is always available as needed.
  
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
  
  7.)  It comes in such cute containers.
  
He got an A

Thanks Mary

Celebrity look-a-likes

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All screwed up

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Tag-a-long

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More Kansas tornado pictures

More pics

Miss Cellania's got big balls

… and she’s proud of ‘em too.

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Chocolate ice cream

A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."
The guy behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate."
"In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."
"You don't understand, sir," the guy says. "We have no chocolate."
"Then just give me some chocolate," he insists.
Getting angrier by the second, the guy asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'"
The man spells, "V A N."
"Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"
"OK. S-T-R-A-W."
"Now," the guy asked, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate."
The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no stink in chocolate."
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" he screams.

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The new job

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee..... 
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know whom you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee..
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back "And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God....!!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

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Tallahassee Florida State Capital Building

A tad phallic, I’d say.

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Senility?

I can remember when gas was 25 cents a gallon… but not 20 cents.  We’re talking mid 60’s.

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Things Mom would never say

• "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"


• "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"


• "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"


• "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"


• "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"


• "Well, if Rahul's mamma says it's OK, that's good enough for me."


• "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."


• "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"


• "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve. “

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Question

Q: Why does a salesman always answer a question with another question?

Q: Why shouldn't he?

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First anniversary gift... for the blonde

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hon,"he says "how do you like your new phone?"

She replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"

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Coin trick

 Tony Slydini was a master of sleight of hand. He took the disappearing coin trick to a new level.
At the very core of all these tricks is ability to make the viewer follow a particular pattern so that the magician can conceal his/her true movement to complete
the illusion.
Amazing how much of this goes on in the day to day world as people believe the BS they are fed by the politicians and the power brokers, while the real movements are never put to the light of day.
More on Slydini at Wikipedia.

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Ass kicker ?

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Make up your mind

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To Start, Press Any Key

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For mom... with love

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Do you grill or do you barbecue?

Grilling and BBQ; people use the words interchangeably to describe a type of food, a way of cooking food, or the social gathering that often occurs when this food is being cooked. But ask any Texan who loves his BBQ brisket, and you will find that there are several differences between grilling and BBQ.

Used literally, the term "grilling" refers to cooking food over a direct flame or other high-heat source. BBQ, on the other hand, has three distinct differences. One main difference between grilling and BBQ is the heat source. BBQ uses indirect heat or low-level heat to cook foods - usually meats.

With high quality cuts of meat, low-level heat can suck out the moisture, leaving the meat tough and dry. This is why grilling experts recommend using high heat that cooks quickly and sears the outside layers, locking in the juices. But BBQ typically uses less expensive cuts of meat that must be cooked slowly for long periods of time to become tender. Which brings us to the second difference between grilling and BBQ.

With grilling, it takes somewhere around 15 minutes to cook a steak and a bit longer for chops. Authentic BBQ takes all day, or even several days, to fully cook. This is due, in part, because of the low-level, indirect heat needed to cook the meat so that it becomes tender. But longer cooking times also allow the flavor to fully develop, helped along by the third important difference between grilling and BBQ.

True BBQ will have a thick, tangy, mouthwatering taste that comes from adding wood smoke during cooking. No matter how many fancy gadgets and flavorings you add, you can't get the same taste from grilling. You might get a hint of smoky BBQ flavor, but it's just not the same. Food has to cook several hours to fully absorb the wood smoke, and you only get that from BBQ.

So there you have it - the three main differences between grilling and BBQ. Both are thought of as art forms that require skill and practice, and each has its own following of devotees. But truth be told, most people won't get too worked up if you call your grill a barbeque. And whether you're grilling or barbequing, it usually means the same thing in the end -- good times and good eats.

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Happy Meal #2

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Seafood

I’m pretty sure it’s not a shrimp.   :-)

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100 and counting.... down

… movies and quotes

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Spiderman

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Stalker

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Making copies

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Going out on a limb for the love of his life

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Safe at last

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Why you shouldn't feed pigeons

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Pearl the landlord

Click here to play the video

Update:  Link to video since the actual video played automatically every time Bits & Pieces was loaded.

Lifestyle change

When Thompson hit 70, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so he could live longer. He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam and he took sunbaths.

In just three months' time, Thompson lost 30 pounds and reduced his waist by six inches. Svelte and tan, he decided to top it off with a new haircut. Stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.

As he lay dying, he cried out, "God, how could you do this to me?" [ba-ba boom]

And a voice from the heavens responded: "To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn't recognize you."

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What happens to people when they get old....

… according to preschoolers:

•  You get gray hair if you don't stay for a long time. If you eat too much medicine, you will die.


•  They have wrinkles. Sometimes they have gray hair but not always.


•  My grandfather has white hair and scribble scrabble on his hands.


•  You go in a wheelchair. Your body is a little twisty.


•  You get older, your shrink and your body is scribbly.


•  You don't die but your body dies.


•  You go to Heaven. All the kitties are up in heaven.


•  They get smushy skin.


•  When they are old, I saw they couldn't walk. They color their hair purple and all different colors.


•  Sometimes your hair gets white.


• Their skin has bumps and they have a beard. A lady has brown hair/ They have a old man voice and old lady voice. 


•  First they start smooth and when they are going to die they get pruney. They are old.


• First they grow up as a young kid. They eat healthy and they get taller. And soon they get much taller and they go to heaven. If they can't walk, they get a wheelchair. 


•  They have gray hair and wrinkles and they die.


•  They have scrabble scrabble just on her face. And she's got shiny teeth.


•  When you get very old, first the dots are purple then they get bigger and black.


•  Heaven is a place where all animals go. People's heaven is under ground.

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People lived here...

It’s probably a stretch to call them “people”.  Some guy in England rented out his house to some “people”.  This is what he found when they moved out.

     

More pics if you dare.

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The web

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Baseball game hat doubles as a baseball glove

Only $17.95  Get yours here

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Landing on the world's shortest runway...

… and it’s a moving runway at that!

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Butter cutter

Make your life a bit easier with the One Click Butter Cutter. It's bigger than a knife, thus it's easier to hold, and it slices butter in just one click, which makes it an indispensable tool for cooking.

It even loads a complete stick of butter or margarine, takes up only a small space in your fridge, and is easily cleaned in dishwasher or warm water!

Get yours here

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Learning to swim with a surf broad

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On the go!

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Mixed drinks

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YAHOO! baseball 404 error?

For those who don’t know, according to Wikipedia:
The 404 or Not Found error message is an HTTP standard response code indicating that the client was able to communicate with the server, but either the server could not find what was requested, or it was configured not to fulfill the request and not reveal the reason why. 404 errors should not be confused with "server not found" or similar errors, in which a connection to the destination server cannot be made at all.

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Changing seasons

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Ladder races

This is different….

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Don't be alarmed...

…It’s just the dog’s tail.

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Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette...

WARNING: THE SURGEON GENERAL HAS DETERMINED THAT CONTRABAND CIGARETTES CONTAIN INSECT EGGS AND HUMAN FECES.

Read the story

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New X-ray for airport security

AMSTERDAM (AFP) - Amsterdam's Schiphol airport Tuesday introduced a new security scan that sees through clothes, the first airport in the world to use the system, officials said.

The scan outlines body contours, making it easy for security personnel to see if anyone is carrying weapons or smuggling money or drugs.

Airport authorities said the scan was quicker and better than body searches.

To ensure privacy, the images from the scan are analysed by a security attendant in a separate room. The face of the person is also blurred to avoid recognition.

Read the story

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Find A Place Between Us

Going to meet a friend and want to find a place between you to meet?   Just type in your location and theirs and the kind of place you’re looking for (restaurant, theater, bar, etc), and a.place.between.us will suggest meeting places somewhere near the middle.

It doesn’t say it’s a good place, but it is a place to meet.

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God bless you

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Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Thanks Rich

Frosty cold Bud

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Cool illusion

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Giraffe tongue

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Riding the train to the Super Bowl

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train.

The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women.

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ZAGATS Fast Food Survey

According to the Zagat Survey the best fast food results:

• Burger:  Wendy’s


• Fries: McDonalds


• Shake: Dairy Queen


• Chicken: Chik-fil-A

More here

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Real Men of Genius

Thank you, Mr. Nudist Colony Activities Coordinator

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A message for the U.S. troops

Funny but NSFW

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Scary sheep

Someone puts a mask on one of the sheep and the rest of them all run away in pure terror.

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"I think we're dead"

Drugs are bad!

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Hospital bloopers

Actual writings on hospital charts:

• She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.


•  On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.


• Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.


• The patient refused autopsy.


• She is numb from her toes down.


• Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.


• Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.


• Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

More medical notes

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The corporate jet

Now that we’re making big bucks with ads on Bits & Pieces, we sprung for our own jet.

Get your own jet.

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