Saturday, December 09, 2006
Silly String saves lives in Iraq
Silly string is quickly becoming a common request from troops overseas. The subject even made the pages of Time Magazine. So why do they want it?
"Because it's light weight and it helps detect wires when they're going through a doorway without setting off the explosive ordinance,” said Johns, the mother of a marine serving in Iraq.
You can see how the string gets hung up on wires that would otherwise be invisible to the naked eye, wires that could be connected to a bomb. And this is not something the military provides.
Santa doesn’t do chimneys any more
With all the houses he has to visit Santa doesn’t have time to climb down every chimney on every house. Besides, all the soot gets his bright red suit too dirty. And it’s getting pretty tight in there with all those cookies and milk he eats.
This year he’s using a new faster approach
(This is one of the funniest videos I’ve seen in quite a while)
The sliding scale of virginity
A Romanian priest has decreed that women will have to pay a 'white dress fine' if they are not virgins when they walk up the aisle to get married.
Father Petrica Bratu, 37, from Valea Sarii in central Romania said he wanted to introduce the fine to uphold Christian traditions. The average salary in the eastern European country is only 100 pounds a month and the fine will be between ten and 60 pounds.
Father Bratu said: 'The fine depends on how intimate a couple have been before they get married. If they have just moved in together it will be around ten pounds but it goes up to 60 pounds if the bride is pregnant or already has a child.' Thus introducing the interesting concept of a sliding scale of virginity.
Thirsty? Have a Coke
Have you ever wondered why Coke comes with a smile? It’s because it gets you high. They took the cocaine out almost a hundred years ago. You know why? It was redundant.
* In The First 10 minutes: 10 teaspoons of sugar hit your system. (100% of your recommended daily intake.) You don’t immediately vomit from the overwhelming sweetness because phosphoric acid cuts the flavor allowing you to keep it down.
* 20 minutes: Your blood sugar spikes, causing an insulin burst. Your liver responds to this by turning any sugar it can get it’s hands on into fat. (There’s plenty of that at this particular moment)
* 40 minutes: Caffeine absorption is complete. Your pupils dilate, your blood pressure rises, as a response your livers dumps more sugar into your bloodstream. The adenosine receptors in your brain are now blocked preventing drowsiness.
* 45 minutes: Your body ups your dopamine production stimulating the pleasure centers of your brain. This is physically the same way heroin works, by the way.
* >60 minutes: The phosphoric acid binds calcium, magnesium and zinc in your lower intestine, providing a further boost in metabolism. This is compounded by high doses of sugar and artificial sweeteners also increasing the urinary excretion of calcium.
* >60 Minutes: The caffeine’s diuretic properties come into play. (It makes you have to pee.) It is now assured that you’ll evacuate the bonded calcium, magnesium and zinc that was headed to your bones as well as sodium, electrolyte and water.
* >60 minutes: As the rave inside of you dies down you’ll start to have a sugar crash. You may become irritable and/or sluggish. You’ve also now, literally, pissed away all the water that was in the Coke. But not before infusing it with valuable nutrients your body could have used for things like even having the ability to hydrate your system or build strong bones and teeth.
This will all be followed by a caffeine crash in the next few hours. (As little as two if you’re a smoker.) But, hey, have another Coke, it’ll make you feel better.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Something to look forward to
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady in her mid eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her. "So tell me," he says, "do I come here often?"
Happy Birthday
This week we celebrate a special birthday.
Monica Lewinsky turned 31.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.
They grow up so fast, don't they?
(Her birthday is actually July 23rd, but this was so funny I couldn’t resist posting it when I saw it)
Thanks Gary J
Isn't age wonderful
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.
You did notice the size of the print?
Thanks Pee Wee
Thoughts on marriage
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until! I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
A Woman's Prayer Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."
Thanks Phyllis
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Christmas traditions
As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?", she asked.
Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our
toys".
"Very nice Patrick", she said. "Now, Jim my Brown what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then we all go to the Bahamas."
Darwin Awards for 2006
It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the greatest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out. This year's winner was a rocket scientist... really!
This year, the nominees were:
Semifinalist #1 A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
Semifinalist #2 Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
Semifinalist #3 A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
Semifinalist #4 A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.
Semifinalist #5 Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.
Now ladies and gentleman, the winner of this year's Darwin Award:
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist...had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not on the ground.
Domino's effect
This photo was taken by Nick Leigh who saw the bikes falling over outside the Domino’s Piza in East Finchley, North London.
9/11 pictures taken from an airplane
Here are some shocking pictures taken by a Russian pilot, now living in the USA, who was in the air on the September 11, 2001, as the terrorist planes crashed into the World Trade Center. This one was taken as the second plane hit the south tower.
I don’t recall seeing these photos before.
Two Eileens lead eerily similar lives
This is very strange:
A pair of Eileen McLaughlins, born on the same day a few miles apart in Brooklyn, discovered each other last week - and learned that not only do their dads and kids also share birthdays, but they have led eerily similar lives from Day One, right down to their profession, choice of husband and penchant for a particular TV psychic.
Three weeks ago, Eileen Mary realized that for years she had been receiving Eileen Teresa's annual Social Security statement. So she went to her local Social Security office to straighten things out.
Only after a week of discussions did the office realize its mistake and begin rectifying the Eileens' accounts. Eileen Mary finally called Eileen Teresa last week to ask if she was aware of the bureaucratic foul-up, and it wasn't long before the myriad coincidences emerged.
The 25 Most Important Questions in the History of the Universe
You know you’ve wondered about some of these very things. Now you can find out serious answers to these very questions. Answers
1. What Makes No. 2 Pencils So Darn Special?
2. Who’s That AOL Guy Who Eerily Knows When You’ve Got Mail?
3. Where Does Nougat Come From?
4. Is There One Move That’s More Likely to Win a Game of Rock-Paper-Scissors?
5. Which Came First, the Can Opener or the Can?
6. How Does a Word Become a Curse Word?
7. Can a Pregnant Woman Drive in the Carpool Lane? 8. Why Do Battery Letters Skip from A to C? Was There Ever a B-Cell Battery?
9. What Does McDonald’s Have in Common with the CIA? 10. Why Does Hawaii Have Interstate Highways?
11. Why Do Most Snooze Buttons Only Give You Nine More Minutes of Sleep?
12. Why Do We Call Them Grandfather Clocks?
13. Was Turkey a Bird or a Country First?
14. How Much Wood Would a Woodchuck Chuck if a Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood?
15. We Know Nothing Better Has Come Along Since then, But Who Invented Sliced Bread Anyway?
16. Why Is It Called "Blackmail?"
17. Is It Possible to Own Property on the Moon?
18. Why Can’t You Tickle yourself?
19. Human Meat Isn’t Appetizing, But is It Healthy?
20. Can You Actually Sense Weather with an Injured body Part?
21. Why Won’t Pineapple and Jell-O® Be Friends?
22. What are Sea-Monkeys®, Anyway?
23. How Many Pounds of Chimpanzee are Needed to Defeat the Average Human?
24. Why are Grape-Nuts® Neither Grapes Nor Nuts?
25. How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Center of a Tootsie Pop?
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Looking for a few good men
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years now.
Thanks Paul E
Eating tips for the holidays
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!
Thanks Mary
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Biker buddy in room 302
A biker buddy of mine called a local hospital . . . .
"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients.
I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Bubba Smith, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . . "
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Bubba Smith in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at his records.
Mr. Smith is doing very well. In fact, he had two full meals, his blood pressure is fine, he is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and,
if he continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send him home Tuesday at noon."
The biker said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . . that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I AM Bubba Smith in 302! Nobody here tells me s**t."
White man
The old Indian chief sat in his home on the reservation, smoking his ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many years. You have seen all his progress and all his problems."
The chief nodded. The official continued, "What do you think of all the white man has done?"
The chief stared at the officials for more than a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time."
The chief paused, then added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Perks of being over 50
1. Kidnapers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember where you got this list.
News: It ain't all tragic: weird, wild and wonderful events of 2006
From Yahoo News:
- The authorities in a Czech town on the border with Austria ordered an Austrian hotel to trim its roof, which was protruding a few centimetres (inches) across the boundary.
- Policewomen in the Netherlands were furious when they were issued with new uniforms including blouses which turned out to be transparent.
- A British taxi driver who showed up at BBC headquarters in London to pick up a fare was mistaken for a computer expert, and bustled into a studio and given a microphone to be interviewed.
- A canny Canadian internet user showed the potential of online trading systems by gradually bartering a paperclip into a three-bedroomed house. The clip was first exchanged for a wooden pen, which was traded for a ceramic doorknob, and the process continued right up to the house.
- Ziggy Stardust, an indiscreet parrot in England, blew the cover on its mistress's love affair by repeating her amorous exchanges in front of her companion. The latter, named Chris, realised something was up when the bird started squawking "Gary, I love you."
- New Yorkers were gripped by the story of a cat called Molly which got stuck between the double walls of an old building in Greenwich Village. It took 40 firefighters and two weeks of work to get her out, safe and sound.
- Drinkers had to be evacuated from a Welsh pub when somebody realised that a tubular object that the landlord's wife had long used as a rolling-pin was in fact a World War II shell.
20 clever business signs
1) At an Optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
2) In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
3) In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
4) On a Plumber's Shop:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
5) On the trucks of a Plumbing Company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call us."
6) Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
7) At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
8) On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
9) At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
10) Another Pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."
11) On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
12) In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and put you out."
13) On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
14) On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
15) On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
16) At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
17) Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
18) In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"We'll be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
19) At a New Orleans waste disposal company:
"Our business is picking up, but it still stinks."
20) At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be de-Lighted."
Extra: In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Please drive carefully. We'll wait."
Extra: At a Propane Filling Station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."
What is that smell?
When men emit aromas, they are proud of it. Whereas women.… well, this one woman almost got arrested. And, she inconvenienced a whole lot of other people in the process.
Monday, December 04, 2006
I have a few questions....
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Do you cry under water?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their butt when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Thanks Joe P
Used car
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed .... So we're just waiting.”
A man goes to the doctor ....
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"
Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
Spray on condom coming soon
German sex educators plan to launch a spray-on condom tailor-made for all sizes.
Jan Vinzenz Krause from the Institute for Condom Consultancy, a Singen-based practice that offers advice on condom use, told Reuters Thursday the product aimed to help people enjoy better and safer sex lives.
"We're trying to develop the perfect condom for men that's suited to every size of penis," he said. "We're very serious."
Krause's team (spraykondom.de) is developing a type of spray can into which the man inserts his penis first. At the push of a button it is then coated in a rubber condom.
"It works by spraying on latex from nozzles on all sides," he said. "We call it the '360 degree procedure' -- once round and from top to bottom. It's a bit like a car wash."
Krause said the plan is to make the product ready for use in about five seconds. He said it would function more effectively as a contraceptive because it would fit better and not slip.
Ten most and least intelligent dog breeds
Most Intelligent – With 1) being the most intelligent
1) Border collie- 2) Poodle
- 3) German shepherd
- 4) Golden retriever
- 5) Doberman pinscher
- 6) Shetland sheepdog
- 7) Labrador retriever
- 8) Papillon
- 9) Rottweiler
- 10) Australian cattle dog
Least Intelligent – With the least intelligent breed at number 10
- 10) Afghan hound
- 9) Basenji
- 8) Bulldog
- 7) Chow chow
- 6) Borzoi
- 5) Bloodhound
- 4) Pekingese
- 3) Mastiff
- 2) Basset hound
- 1) Shih tzu
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Lipstick problem solved
I think I posted this before but it’s worth a repeat.
According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..
There are Teachers, and then there are Educators.
A vibrator for your iPod
The OhMiBod vibrator is a whole new way to enjoy your iPod® or any other music player. Everyone loves music. Everyone loves sex. OhMiBod combines music and pleasure to create the ultimate acsexsory™ to your iPod.
Simply plug OhMiBod into your iPod® or any music player and it automatically vibrates to the rhythm and intensity of the music. Let your body feel the vibrations as you get down with your favorite tunes. The combination of listening and feeling your music quickly transports you to a place where music, mind and body come together to create an unbeatable sexual experience.
Could come in handy on Global Orgasm for Peace Day – December 22nd
It’s only $69 Get it here
Oops, The waiter did it
One evening, a very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant patiently awaiting her date.
While waiting, she decided to make sure that she looked perfect for him. So the young lady bends down in her chair in order to get a mirror from her purse. Then just as the waiter walks up, she accidentally farts quite loudly.
The lady immediately sat up straight, embarrassed and red faced, sure that everyone in the place had heard her. Quickly she turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady. Which way was it headed?"
Entertainment item of the day
Lucasfilm files suit against unauthorized lightsabers
If you choose to wield one, Lucasfilm will not be held liable for the effects, which may include long term virginity.
via Entertainment Weekly’s Hit List
Odd deep fried treats
Strange things have been popping up at county fairs across the country. I’m talking about strange food things…. strange fried food things. Things like this Deep fried Krispy Kreme Chicken & Swiss sandwich.
Charlie Boghosian, a self-proclaimed fried-food innovator is selling it and other deep-fried delights at his stand, Charlie's Chicken, at the L.A. County Fair in Pomona. To make the sandwich, Boghosian takes one hollowed-out jelly doughnut, cuts it in half and stuffs it with a fried chicken patty and a slice of Swiss cheese before dunking it in the fryer.Other unusual fried delicases are:
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