Saturday, December 23, 2006
Hand stuck in toilet bowl for 8 hours
A 27-year-old man was taking a train from Wuchang to Guangzhou in China when a little mishap caused him to drop his cell phone into the toilet bowl while using the toilet.
In a state of panic, he tried to fish it out but got his hand stuck instead. The attendants on board the train tried to free his hand from the compartment below for 3 hours but to no avail. It even got worse as his hand had now gotten deeper into the hole. As such, they had no choice but to stop at the next station to get some help.
Technicians removed part of the floorboard and the man was sent to the hospital with his hand still stuck. At the hospital, his hand was freed without further incident. By now, 8 hours had already elapsed. This poor guy must have suffered badly from both the pain and pungent stench! A total of 1,300 passengers were delayed for 5 hours as a result of this incident.
Interesting Space Shuttle Shuttle Discovery facts
Discovery was the first shuttle to "recover" communication satellites which orbit went bad because of motor malfunctions. In 1984, Space Shuttle Discover successfully captured Palapa B-2 and Westar 6 satellites. After recovering the satellites, crewmember Dale Gardner then posed for this famous picture- The shuttle was named after other famous ships of exploration, such as the HMS Discovery which accompanied English explorer James Cook and Henry Hudson’s ship Discovery, which he used to look for the Northwest Passage.
- President Bill Clinton watched John Glenn’s return to space from the Kennedy Space Center, making him the first (and only) US President to attend a Shuttle launch.
- Space Shuttle Discovery was the first shuttle to fly after both the
Challenger and Columbia disasters in 1988 and 2003, respectively. - The external tank of the shuttle had to be repaired in 1995, due to damage done by birds! NASA discovered that Northern Flicker Woodpeckers pecked about 200 holes in the foam insulation on Discovery’s fuel tank.
They promptly installed noisemakers and physical deterrents to scare off the woodpeckers. Also, they added a permanent human "woodpecker spotters" at launch pads around the clock!
Friday, December 22, 2006
You park like an asshole
Sick of a car taking up two spaces on the street? How about a car too close to yours? What about the car at the mall parked diagonally? Now you can do something about it. Simply download a notice and place it on the car’s windshield. The owner of the vehicle will be informed of their asshole staus as well as the proper tips to improve their poor parking techniques. It’s time to put an end to asshole parking, or at least to make fun of it.
See more at youparklikeanaswshole.com
Time Men of The Year - YOU
This year Time Magazine named you, the average Joe producing videos for the Internet, as the man of the year. Congratulations everybody!
Watch a funny video (video was a little choppy for me the first me, but still funny)
Top 10 reasons why Hanukkah is better than Christmas
10. There's no "Kathy Lee Gifford Special"
9. Eight days of presents
8. No need to clean the chimney
7. There's no latke-nog
6. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs
5. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals
4. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
3. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Dreidl."
2. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards
1. Latkes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes
Livin' Large
Benny and Billy McCrary, the World’s Largest Twins
How to use the word "and" five times in a row and make perfect sense
'I want to put two hyphens between the words "Fish" and "And", and "And" and "Chips" in my Fish-And-Chips sign'.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Top ten signs that Santa doesn't like your kid
10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets a pack of smokes.
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are Styrofoam peanuts.
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list.
4. Sends him off on a Carnival Cruise with Kathie Lee.
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read, "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
World champion St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa
Tony LaRussa, manager for the world champion St. Louis Cardinals performs in a play for his daughter in California. (He’s the flying bunny rabbit on the right.)
Chrismas carols for the disturbed
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and ...
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me!
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy ... oooh look at the Froggy ... can I have a chocolate ... why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
Three wise men
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.
One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar'."
I took this picture
Here’s a link to a picture I took last St. Patrick’s Day in downtown St. Louis at the St. Patrick’s Day Parade. I’ve seen it around a few times. If you happen to see it, please let me know.
Senior moment
(Not a true story but still funny. Snopes article)
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why... For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat! A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!
Thanks Paul
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
It takes a college degree to fly a plane but a high school diploma to fix one
Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last .
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Just in time for Christmas
If the breast-shaped shampoo dispenser wasn't tantalizing enough, here is an extremely awesome matching boob radio. Tweak the left nipple to adjust volume and the right to tune the station. Just don't try this on your significant other, they may like it, but I doubt you will get any classic rock out of them. Wait, if you are buying a boob radio, you probably don't have a significant other so nevermind. $30.
Evolution of a slob
A couple months ago I posted a video about the evolution of a beauty that featured time-lapse video and some Photoshopping of the ad for Dove soap.
Someone has made a parody of that called the Evolution of a slob
Pretty funny stuff.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Sex drive
A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
What's it like to be hung?
Find out here. Sadaam Hussein will find out in February.
I was surprised to read that the last hanging in the United States was just ten years ago in Delaware.
NSFW30 funniest Jerry Seinfeld quotes
Here are a few:
- I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
- What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.
- Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
- Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
- People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to
- You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."
Top 15 strangest coincidences
Here are a few from the list:
Oregon's Columbian newspaper announced the winning Pick 4 lottery numbers for June 28, 2000 in advance. The newspaper had intended to print the previous set of winning numbers but erroneously printed those for the state of Virginia, namely 6-8-5-5. In the next Oregon lottery, those same numbers were drawn. In 1899 a bolt of lightning killed a man as he stood in his backyard in Taranto, Italy.
Thirty years later his son was killed in the same way and in the same place.
On October 8, 1949, Rolla Primarda, the grandson of the first victim and the son of the second, became the third.Mark Twain was born on the day of the appearance of Halley's Comet in 1835, and died on the day of its next appearance in 1910. He himself predicted this in 1909, when he said: "I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it."
Sheep thief
(I think I posted this story or one like it a while back, but hadn’t heard the missing sheep angle.)
It seems a sheep farmer was puzzled about the disappearance of some sheep on his farm. After a few weeks the farmer decided to put up an electric fence.
About a week later, this is what he found!
Now, I know we've all heard of people being eaten by snakes & I bet most of us have said,
"If a snake tried to eat me, I'd blah, blah, blah & get away."
Well, this is a Python & they're extremely aggressive & have a few teeth that they use to
hold their prey while they wrap around them & then constrict.
Could you get away if this one bit you & held on with it's "few teeth?"
(Note: the wires are 10 inches apart.)
Thanks Gary J
Christina Aguilera's sleazy new Christmas album
Come see! Christina Aguilera's sleazy new Christmas album!
(Sensuous remakes of classic Christmas songs)
Featuring...
"I'll be prone for Christmas"
"My first Hotel"
"Three way in a manager"
http://www.linkydinky.com/HoHoHo.shtml
Thanks Joe P
Sunday, December 17, 2006
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