Or Air Farce?
Saturday, January 27, 2007
You know you're a redneck when....
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Einstein
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa (Einstein) Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
Round and round we go....
But, we’re not getting anywhere.
Nine salvaged bikes were reassembled into a carousel formation. The bike is modular and can be dismantled and reassembled. It is normally left in public places where it can attract a variety of riders.
Little Tony
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that Called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds, and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you.
There's a crack in my windshield!
I'm driving along on the highway at 65 miles an hour (the speed limit), minding my own business, when outta nowhere there's this big crack in my windshield!!
I swerved right,
and then left,
and it was still right there!!
Thanks Joe P
Friday, January 26, 2007
Punctuation is VERY important
Notice the effect of the following Dear John love letter with different punctuation:
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy --will you let me be yours?
GloriaDear John:
I want a man who knows what love is . All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
yours,
Gloria
Linguistics
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Worms
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol – Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation – What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms."
DIY Circumcission?
OK, so it’s not quite Do-It-Yourself yet, but it won’t be long (no pun intended).
Circumcision is a very simple and straightforward procedure. Nevertheless it is important to explain your son what is going to happen. With the availability of modern painkillers he does not need to suffer any pain. By using the SmartKlamp® your doctor has chosen for the most up to date method of circumcision, which is very safe and fast.
The working principle of the SmartKlamp® is comparable to that of the umbilical cord clamp: it clamps the blood vessels that go to the foreskin, so that the removal of the foreskin is practically bloodless. Because of its clamping ring there is no need for stitches after the circumcision.
It comes with a cool Size-O-Meter too!
Pot hole
NEW YORK -- A sports utility vehicle is stuck in a sinkhole in the Brooklyn section of New York after a water main break caused the street to give way. The driver of the vehicle was not seriously injured, according to the fire department.
Why it's IMPORTANT to understand English
When I got back from vacation last month I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line...Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars... he was a little irritated!
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla for yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change??"
The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy said, "Fluc you white people, too!"
Thanks Joe P
Thursday, January 25, 2007
It ain't easy being a reporter
Reporter tries to interview a woman charged with battery. More battery ensues.
A good man is hard to find
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her friends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy man entered.
So striking was he that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
He noticed her gaze, and approached her. Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I will do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition.
"Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.
"The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said: "Clean ... my ... house."
Compressed air powered pogo stick
Aboard Brian Spencer's turbocharged pogo stick, humans can now bounce over cars, hop onto walls and perform other acrobatics normally reserved for a guy in tights and a cape.
"This stick is absolutely crazy," said Daniel Brown of xpogo.com, a website devoted to stunt pogo-stick jumping.
The jackhammer-sized contraption sprang to life about five years ago. While attending a family gathering in Orange County, Spencer overheard his cousin fantasizing about a gravity-defying pogo stick.
Intrigued, Spencer recruited his dad, a retired aerospace engineer, to start tinkering. The result was a Frankenstein hodgepodge of BMX bike foot pedals, PVC piping and other spare parts — powered by compressed air instead of a metal spring.
But when Spencer, who lives in Mission Viejo, took the prototype to an extreme-sports event outside the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, he found the world wasn't quite ready for his $300 pogo stick.
Investors didn't want to back such a pricey toy so soon after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, he said. Spencer shelved the idea and resumed life as a down-to-earth pharmaceutical executive.
But after lining up some investors, the Spencers decided to try again. Working part time out of a home garage, they began assembling their Vurtego sticks by hand.
Today, armed with a world record for highest pogo stick hop — 6 feet — Vurtego sells through such retailers as Costco.com and claims such celebrity customers as Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, actor Jake Gyllenhaal and cyclist Lance Armstrong.
The company has sold about 5,000 pogo sticks since debuting last January, Brian Spencer said. Vurtego's boing toy is "by far the most maneuverable" super stick on the market, said Xpogo.com's Brown, although he noted that some competitors offer a smoother bounce.
Now, at national gatherings like Pogopalooza, they perform highflying acrobatic stunts with such nicknames as the one-foot soul grab and the ice-pick stall. However, the future of amped-up pogo sticks is uncertain. The high-tech toy could catch on like snowboards — or fizzle into a passing fad.
"We don't know where it's going," Brian Spencer said. But Vurtego is already plotting the next generation of pogo device, a stick equipped with a "gearshift" that lets riders adjust the air pressure as they hop.
Archive of misheard lyrics
Here are just a few examples from this massive list:
Madonna – Like a Virgin
The real lyrics were:
Like a virgin touched for the very first time.But I misheard them as:
Like a virgin touched for the thirty-first time.John Denver – Country Roads
The real lyrics were:
West Virginia,
Mountain Momma,But I misheard them as:
West Virginia,
Mount yer Momma,Bob Dylan - Blowin' In The Wind
The real lyrics were:
The answer, my friend,
is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind.But I misheard them as:
The ants are my friends,
they're blowin' in the wind
The ants are a-blowin' in the wind.Paul Simon - Mrs. Robinson
The real lyrics were:
Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes
Put it in the pantry with your cupcakesBut I misheard them as:
Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes
Put it in your pants between your cupcakes
Good Irish girl
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"A prostitute?? Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!
Thanks Dr. Vicki
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Make the pie higher
From Snopes.com: 
We certainly didn't need to write a piece to inform the world that, like his father, President
George W. Bush is not a strong public speaker. Particularly when speaking extemporaneously, he often uses words similar in sound but different in meaning to what he intends to say (e.g., "vulcanize" for "Balkanize") or uses incorrect forms of words (e.g., "resignate" for "resonate"), garbles familiar phrases by transposing words (e.g., "where wings take dream"), and makes a variety of grammatical mistakes (e.g., "how many hands have I shaked"). The point here was not to rehash the numerous lists of "Bushisms" to be found in a variety of media, but to perform a sort of investigative experiment into the accuracy of information transmission in the Internet age.
Here then is a poem of Bush misquotes:
MAKE THE PIE HIGHER
by George W. Bush
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!
New Blogjet 2.0
I’ve been using Blogjet from almost day 1 of Bits & Pieces. Today, I upgraded to the latest incarnation of Blogjet – Version 2.0. It features tags, WYSIWYG editing, great support for pictures and videos, support for attaching files, auto replace, smileys, post management and searching, word counter and blog stats and much more.
My first impressions are very good. A few little things that I see I like. It is now easier to add titles and give credit to posted videos (something that was too cumbersome before), also just drag and drop photos into posts. I’m just getting started with it, but I’m impressed so far.
Everthing You Didn't Know About Sex
- Hanged men become erect as they die.
- A humpback whale’s erect penis is 10 feet long.
- White women get 97% of boob jobs.
- Texas law makes it illegal for a woman to own more then 6 sex toys.
- Oral sex is illegal in Arizona, Florida, Minnesota, Louisiana, parts of Michigan, North Carolina, South Carolina, Utah, and Virginia. In Idaho, it can get you life in prison.
- Hustler publisher Larry Flynt claims his first sexual experience was with a chicken.
![[last+bath.jpg]](http://lh6.google.com/_qkskzHw1gOo/RbekjpIMdqI/AAAAAAAAAUY/wz4aZkgRQcM/s1600/last%2Bbath.jpg)
Are my testicles black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
![[poster.jpg]](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrKHjk0ew58ezKuWCgKAWb_NJP0q7CGS8GiMBvmKGkubAS6sXHqfNGAGPdPUBQLk4aJNkFUrbLnqFx27cyR_jBumcxQF9qcofZU-uTTpLPOuGwMV54s2AvCXkUI604XSc1tiwI/s1600/poster.jpg)
Proof that the world is nuts
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England- but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of???)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning!)
Thanks Joe P
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Alligator
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees.
The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
Daylight Savings 2.0: How to avoid the calendar chaos
As part of the Energy Policy Act of 2005 Congress changed the starting date for Daylight Savings Time from the first Sunday in April to the second Sunday in March, effective 2007 - that’s March 11 this year.
If you’re on a Mac, all is well provided you update to OS X 10.4.6 or later (one more excuse, er, reason to upgrade to Leopard when it comes out!).
If you’re a Windows user, Microsoft has you covered with a variety of software updates.
If you keep track of meetings with a PDA or one of the plethora of online calendars…well, good luck. It’s going to be interesting, to say the least, to see which of them manages to make the changeover correctly this year. It won’t be a disaster of Y2K proportions (oh, wait, that didn’t actually happen), but some people are certainly going to be an hour late to things.
TIME Inc. Lays Off 289 Persons of the Year
Not even a TIME magazine-annointed Person of the Year can avoid the ax in this age of media transformation:
Time Inc., the country's largest magazine publisher, spent the morning telling hundreds of staffers their jobs were being eliminated — in its latest and largest yet round of staff cuts — for the company's good.
"As you all know, the past year has been a time of transition at Time Inc.," said Chairman-CEO Ann S. Moore in a midday memo to staff. "While we continue to invest in our core magazines, we are also focused on transforming our work force and broadening our digital capabilities in order to become a truly multiplatform publisher. [...]
Of the 289 jobs eliminated, 117 are coming from the business side. Of the 172 editorial jobs being axed, the company hopes 86 will come from volunteers taking buyout packages — while the other 86 are simply losing their posts.
UPDATE: James Brown still above ground
29 days and counting.
According to The Guardian:
The body of the soul singer James Brown has been moved out of his mansion to a secret location in the latest twist of an intense family feud over the entertainer's millions. Bickering over the estate - and the body - of the "Godfather of Soul", who died on Christmas Day, reached a new peak with the filing of his will, which made no provision for the woman who claims to be his widow, or their five-year-old son, James Junior.
According to the Augusta Chronicle, Brown's body was moved last Thursday afternoon, the same day his will was filed in a probate court without mention of his youngest son in it. Tommie Rae Hynie, 36, a former backing singer, has been fighting a legal battle to gain access to the Beech Island, South Carolina, mansion she shared with Brown, and where his body had been lying in a temperature- controlled room since his funeral on December 30.
Remembering Johnny Carson
Tonight Show host Johnny Carson died two years ago today, January 23, 2005. Carson, a longtime smoker, was 79 and had announced in 2002 that he was suffering from the emphysema. Carson was host of the Tonight Show from October 1, 1962, to May 22, 1992, taking over from Jack Paar and handing off to Jay Leno after 4,531 episodes.
Here are a few stories about Johnny from Wikipedia:
- In 1973, Carson had a legendary run-in with popular psychic Uri Geller when he invited Geller to appear on his show. Carson, an experienced stage magician, wanted a neutral demonstration of Geller's alleged abilities, so, at the advice of his friend and fellow magician James Randi, he gave Geller several spoons out of his desk drawer and asked him to bend them with his psychic powers. Geller proved unable, and his appearance on The Tonight Show has since been regarded as the beginning of Geller's fall from glory.
- Carson was a major investor in the ultimately failed De Lorean Motor Company, and was cited in a 1982 drunk driving incident while driving a De Lorean DMC-12 sportscar in Beverly Hills. Represented by Robert Shapiro, he pleaded no contest to the charges, and played off the incident by having a uniformed police officer escort him on to the Tonight Show stage. Other business ventures included a successful clothing line, through which his turtlenecks became a fashion trend, and a failed restaurant franchise.
- An oft-repeated story—since dismissed as an "urban legend"—involved a guest appearance by Zsa Zsa Gabor carrying a white Persian cat. Gabor is said to have asked Johnny if he would like to "pet my pussy?" During a 1989 appearance, Jane Fonda noted that her son had repeated the claim, and "my son said that you said, uh, 'I'd love to, if you'd remove that damned cat!' Is it true?" Carson denied the episode on-air ("No, I think I would recall that...")[1] and both he[2] and Gabor[3] responded to researchers by stating the event "never happened." Despite widespread insistence by people who claimed to see the episode, no audio or video recording has ever been produced.
However, a bit of risqué humor was not beyond Carson. During an interview with Dolly Parton, in reference to her large bust, she said, "People are always asking if they're real and .... I'll tell you what, these are mine." Carson replied, "I have certain guidelines on this show. But I would give about a year's pay to peek under there."
Some of Carson’s characters were:
- Art Fern, the "Tea-time Movie" announcer (always selling strange or shoddy merchandise). The characters name was Ralph Willie when the Tea-Time sketches first aired (mid-late 1960s).
- A right-wing extremist in a plaid hunting coat and cap who always introduced himself as "Floyd R. Turbo American" (with no pause between words)
- Perhaps his best-known character, Carnac the Magnificent, who pretended to be a psychic who could answer questions before seeing them (and reading them out loud). (This is in fact a parody of a real act known as "one ahead" where the first answer is known to the performer in advance, and each succeeding answer is in fact on the card containing the previous item's question.) Carnac's answers were always humorous, ironic, or puns. Ed McMahon would always announce near the end, "I hold in my hand the last question," at which news the audience would applaud wildly, prompting Carnac to pronounce a comedic "curse" on the audience, such as "May all your genes be recessive!" (In fact, the name Carnac the Magnificent was the stage name Johnny used in his magic act as a youth.)
Phil Hendrie radio show
Phil Hendrie does a syndicated radio broadcast that is not hear in the St. Louis area as far as I know. I’ve spent some time in the Kansas City area where he is heard nightly. It's basically a one man show with strange and slightly off-the-wall “guests”.
J-Walk blog has a clip of a broadcast of of a call with the man of many voices. Interesting.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Don't laugh....
Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now...what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied.
How to get a refund
Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time -
A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming ...
"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed ...
"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"
And doing so draws an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!
The downside of owning your own small country
For anybody wanting to buy Sealand
- Always picked last for the United Nations football team.
- Your GNP is directly related to the cash advance limit on your Co-oP dividend card.
- Your only two cities? Starbucks North and Starbucks South.
- "I own a country" isn't nearly as good a pick-up line as "I'm a producer. Wanna dance in a rap video?"
- Damn tourists keep flushing the national toilet while you're in the national shower.
- Your entry in the Miss Universe contest? is your Grandmother.
- Your nuclear capability is limited to dental X-rays.
- It's hard to properly run a country when you're always busy unclogging your throne.
- Your air power is crippled when Son Timmy's kite gets stuck in a tree.
- When you show up at the U.N., the superpower ambassadors always give you a wedgie and take your lunch money.
- The Liechtensteiners keep asking to borrow a cup of sugar.
- While your Director of Homeland Security is busy chasing squirrels and trying to get rid of ants nests
Excerpts from letters sent to landlords
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
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