Saturday, October 06, 2007
Stinky skunk stuck
Let’s see you say that three times fast. Hell, I can barely say it once slowly.
A skunk who got his head stuck in a salad dressing jar found a cautious savior in a Michigan police officer.
The skunk, head in jar, wandered into a police station parking lot and was spotted by Officer James Kellett. Kellett wanted to help, but was not interested in any resistance — spray or otherwise during the Thursday encounter. So he grabbed a pellet gun used in hunters' safety courses and shot at the jar from a safe distance.
The shots cracked and shattered the jar, leaving a glass collar around the skunk's neck. With its head free, the skunk ran off.
"I didn't want to use deadly force, and it is a residential area," said Kellett. "The way he was when he took off, he was able to eat, breathe and spray — and do anything else skunks like to do."
Friday, October 05, 2007
Thursday, October 04, 2007
What the fork?
This 35 foot tall fork is located in Springfield MO. The fork angles up towards a 3-story building inhabited by Noble & Associates, a Springfield ad agency. It’s said that the big fork once stood in front of a restaurant that failed on South Glenstone, in otherwise booming Springfield.
The brick and glass Noble & Associates building is the company's "Idea Center" -- Noble does a lot of work for the food service and retail industry, so the fork makes sense...
Location: Address: 2155 W Chesterfield Blvd, Springfield MO, [Show Map]
Sounds like a motorcycle trip to me……
Designated driver tip
Next time you are too drunk to drive:
Walk to the nearest pizza shop, place an order, and when they go to deliver it, catch a ride home.
Making small talk
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for some conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major replied, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards, medals and decorations and said, "It looks like you've seen quite a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should just lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself..."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally, deciding to take a different tack, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and curtly replied, "1955, ma'am."
She gasped, "Well, there you are! You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,"Do you think so? It's only 2130 now..."
Only in America...
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.- Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
- Only in America ..do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
- Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
- Only in America .....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
- Only in America ..do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
- Only in America ..do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Thanks Paul E
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
¿Se habla español?
As a Texan is walking through his field, he sees a man drinking water from a stock tank with one of his hands.
The Texan shouts," Hey don't drink that water, It has cow manure in it!!!
The Man shouts back "Soy mexicano, yo no entiendo inglés. Hábleme español.". (I'm Mexican, I don't speak English. speak Spanish to me)
The Texan shouts back, "Utilice ambas manos, usted conseguirá más para beber." (Use both hands, you'll get more to drink)
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Adopted
At what age do you tell a highway it’s adopted?
I think around seven because that’s when they start wondering, Hey, I don’t look like the Kiwanis Club.
— Zach Galifanakis
NASCAR fans
I didn’t understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you’ll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. I can make fun of NASCAR fans because if they chase me, I’ll just turn right.
— Alonzo Bodden
Sex education
A guy was taking a course in human sexuality, and on a particular day, they were studying the Kinsey Report. As the professor was citing different statistics, he commented that one particular woman in the study had been said to have had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
There were several audible gasps in the lecture hall.
A male voice piped up and asked, "Wow... who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "Never mind that, who was HE?"
Hearing...
A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He said to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." In a normal tone he asked,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.
So the husband moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeated,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response.
So, he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
"Honey, What's for dinner?" Again, there was no response.
So he walked right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"
Hot dogs
What's the difference between a hot dog at Yankee Stadium and a hot dog at Shea Stadium?
(To find the answer, click and drag the area between the stars.)
* You can eat a hot dog at Yankee Stadium in October. *
The flight to Nowhere
An Indian entrepreneur has given a new twist to the concept of low-cost airlines. The passengers boarding his Airbus 300 in Delhi do not expect to go anywhere because it never takes off.
All they want is the chance to know what it is like to sit on a plane, listen to announcements and be waited on by stewardesses bustling up and down the aisle.
In a country where 99% of the population have never experienced air travel, the “virtual journeys” of Bahadur Chand Gupta, a retired Indian Airlines engineer, have proved a roaring success.
“Some of my passengers have crossed the country to get on this plane,” says Gupta, who charges about £2 each for passengers taking the “journey”.
The plane has no lighting and the lavatories are out of order. The air-conditioning is powered by a generator. Even so, about 40 passengers turn up each Saturday to queue for boarding cards.
Passengers are looked after by a crew of six, including Gupta’s wife, who goes up and down the aisle with her drinks trolley, serving meals in airline trays. Some of the stewardesses hope to get jobs on proper planes one day and regard it as useful practice.
Complete Idiot's Guide For Dummies
When two book series collide….
Don't stick out like a sore thumb - become an idiot like everybody else with this complete how-to for those who aspire to the asinine. This spoof of two well-known series of titles puts the reader on the cutting edge of imbecility. Written in monosyllables and microparagraphs, with plenty of factoid tidbits, sidebar snippets and unintimidating white space in between, it caters to the attention span of the common lemming.
Apparently it’s a real book. Get it here.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Looking for Human Body Parts?
Type human body parts into Google search…and check out the Sponsored Links on the right. Why you would want to do that, I’m not quite sure….. but hey, it’s getting close to Halloween.
Thanks Isiah
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Whale highway
Free Passage Orcas sprint along a channel which has opened in the ice. They are headed deep into McMurdo Sound in the Antarctic, where they hope to find food. They must hurry, however, for wind conditions can cause the channel to freeze again, cutting off the whales' access to air.
via
WHOAAA
A big red sign that says "STOP" sometimes isn't enough to get everyone to stop.
So a Chicago suburb thinks maybe a laugh will get their attention.
The village of Oak Lawn, Illinois, has installed second stop signs below the regular ones at 50 intersections with messages including "WHOAAA" or "Stop ... and smell the roses," "Stop ... right there pilgrim" and "Stop ... in the name of love."
Mayor Dave Heilmann says he thought the secondary signs "might make people smile and take notice."
With news video. There are more photos here.
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