Saturday, June 03, 2006
Navy SEAL’s are always taught:
1) Keep your priorities in order and,
2) Know when to act without hesitation.
A Navy SEAL was attending some college courses between assignments He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the SEAL got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The SEAL went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the SEAL and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The SEAL calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So He sent me."
Posted 12:23 PM
Friday, June 02, 2006
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function.
He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!!".
Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS!
Posted 2:15 PM
I heard about this test on a local radio station. They were giving the questions to some of the people who were in the studio. I can’t believe how stupid some people are. And… THEY’RE DRIVING … on the same roads I’m driving on. That’s scary. I didn’t stick around long enough to hear their results, but I know a LOT of their answers were wrong.
I took the test. My results are below.
Results from the National Drivers Test Study
Study: 18 Million Americans May Be Unfit for Roads
Most Knowledgeable Drivers in Oregon,
Least Knowledgeable in Rhode Island
ST. LOUIS, MO. (May 26, 2006) – Results from the second annual GMAC Insurance National Drivers Test announced today suggest that licensed Americans lack basic driving knowledge and exhibit alarming behaviors on the road. The study revealed that one in eleven drivers – nearly 18 million people – would fail a state drivers test. Furthermore, the study shows drivers deliberately disregard pedestrians and treat driving as the new “down time,” where they catch up on the day’s activities, diverting their attention from the road.
The startling results come one year after GMAC Insurance first set out to gauge the knowledge of the American driving public, when licensed drivers were administered 20 questions found on a typical DMV written drivers test. The 2006 findings indicate drivers still do not have adequate knowledge of basic rules of the road, and they exhibit bad habits behind the wheel. For the second year in a row, Oregon drivers ranked highest on the test, with an average score of 91 percent (70 percent or higher is required to pass a standard drivers test), and Rhode Island ranked lowest, with an average score of 75 percent.
I took the test. Here are my Results:
Your score was: 100%
A score of 70% or better is considered passing on a state written drivers test. The correct answers are highlighted below.
Damn,. I’m good!
Posted 2:09 PM
Proud of your hometown? Well.... How'd you like to tell people you're from..........
- Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
- Shafter (California, USA)
- Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
- Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
- Bastard (Norway)
- Twatt (Orkney, UK)
- Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
- Muff (Northern Ireland)
- Wankie (Zimbabwe)
- Climax (Colorado, USA)
- Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
- Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
- Fukum (Yemen)
- Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
- Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
- Turdo (Romania)
- Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
- Seymen (Turkey)
- Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
- Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
- Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
- Wanks River (Nicaragua)
- Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
- Fuku (Shensi, China)
- Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
- Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
- Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
- Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
- Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
- Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
- Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
- Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
- Tittybong (Australia)
- Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
- Dikshit (India)
- Wankener (India)
- Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Posted 1:51 PM
Nature called at an unfortunate moment for a construction worker in Oak Point on Thursday. While working on a new subdivision in the small Denton County town just south of Highway 380, the unnamed man ducked into a portable toilet outside a home under construction along Niles Court. Within moments, the wide load of a tractor trailer turning onto Niles from Woodridge Drive struck the portable toilet and knocked it over. The victim was taken to Denton Regional Medical Center, but his name and the extent of his injuries have not been released. The portable toilet sustained moderate damage. Police said they don’t anticipate filing any charges against the driver of the tractor trailer.
Nature called at an unfortunate moment for a construction worker in Oak Point on Thursday.
While working on a new subdivision in the small Denton County town just south of Highway 380, the unnamed man ducked into a portable toilet outside a home under construction along Niles Court.
Within moments, the wide load of a tractor trailer turning onto Niles from Woodridge Drive struck the portable toilet and knocked it over.
The victim was taken to Denton Regional Medical Center, but his name and the extent of his injuries have not been released. The portable toilet sustained moderate damage.
Police said they don’t anticipate filing any charges against the driver of the tractor trailer.
Posted 1:47 PM
Thursday, June 01, 2006
This is pretty neat.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute
Work this out as you read
..Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun
.1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ....If you haven't, add 1755.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS!
Posted 5:36 PM
Make sure you read and understand this warning... Please Read This Warning!!!
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Course," "Bowling Alley," or "Hunting Club" in the phone book.
Posted 3:39 PM
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
I know it’s not politically correct…but it’s funny.
Posted 3:32 PM
OKAY, OKAY, I'LL BUY THE VIAGRA!
Sweet Lord. How many e-mails do the Viagra people have to send me? "73% off VIAGRA!" they scream at me. "We've slashed prices because of the competition!!", which is exactly the kind of thing you want to hear coming from your pharmacist. "dan Theresa amanda Butthead nothing abgrossm steph quebec Doobie!" the e-mails triumphantly conclude, bypassing my spam filter. "sparky jesus1 groin infection!"
I get a hundred of these e-mails a day. Clearly, the online Viagra people know something about my penis that I don't.
So my reasoning went like this: maybe if I bought some of their sweet precious Viagra, they would shut the hell up. As a bonus, I would actually own some Viagra, which I could use to surprise my wife on Valentine's Day. "Oh, darling!" my wife would exclaim. "Twelve hours of painful, nonstop intercourse? You shouldn't have!"
Posted 3:28 PM
Mistaken ID Stuns Crash Victims' Families
CALEDONIA, Mich. -- Whitney Cerak and Laura VanRyn looked remarkably alike, both attractive young women with blond hair, similar facial features and the same build and height.
They were together the night of April 26, returning from banquet preparations with a group from Taylor University, when a tractor-trailer slammed into their university van, peeling off the side and killing five people.
Cerak's family was told their 18-year-old was among the dead. VanRyn's parents were told their 22-year-old daughter was alive but seriously injured and in a coma.
The VanRyns kept vigil at the young woman's bedside for weeks, but as she gained consciousness, she began saying things that didn't make sense. This week, they discovered that the recovering patient wasn't their daughter at all. She was Whitney Cerak.
Link to a blog of the Laura VanRyn family. It details the daily improvements of the girl they thought was their daughter/sister.
A joint statement released May 31st by both families
Posted 3:05 PM
I’m not exactly sure what all this means, but everybody is doing this…and it looks pretty so here we are.
Here's what the Bits & Pieces website looks like, processed by an HTML DOM Visualizer Applet.
- blue: for links (the A tag)
- red: for tables (TABLE, TR and TD tags)
- green: for the DIV tag
- violet: for images (the IMG tag)
- yellow: for forms (FORM, INPUT, TEXTAREA, SELECT and OPTIONtags)
- orange: for linebreaks and blockquotes (BR, P, and BLOCKQUOTE tags)
- black: the HTML tag, the root node
- gray: all other tags
Posted 1:24 PM
This might be a little personal in nature as well as only for the male readers, but I think it is necessary.
Ahhh the urinal. Very convenient and quick but the disadvantage comes with the ricochet back onto your nice business casual get-up.
In order to avoid this tragedy and the ensuing spotty embarrassment keep in mind a little physics. Aim so that it bounces away from your pants. I find the way to go is to aim for the side. It is a more narrow target but the ricochet is usually back across the urinal instead of straight back at you. This also allows the stream to flow along the curve of the corner thus slowing it down.
Another option is to stand slightly to the side and aim for the back of the urinal at an angle. Of course if you are lucky enough to get a urinal that goes all the way to the ground, just aim down so that the ricochet falls before it reaches the pants.
Thanks to Michael Smith, the fluids expert, for confirming that these tips will indeed be beneficial. I think that the toilet/urinal system could probably use some innovation. I don’t know if the current system is the best there is, but then again I’m no toilet designer although this guy is.
I would like to apologize to the women out there who probably didn’t read this far anyways, but there are alot of men out there with spotted pants who insist the sink did it, but we know the truth and we are here for you.
Posted 5:44 AM
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. Personally I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country.
1.GRAB A CALCULATOR. (YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO DO THIS ONE IN YOUR HEAD)
2.KEY IN THE FIRST THREE DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER (NOT THE AREA CODE)
3.MULTIPLY BY 80
5.MULTIPLY BY 250
6.ADD THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER
7.ADD THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER AGAIN.
9.DIVIDE NUMBER BY 2
DO YOU RECOGNIZE THE ANSWER?
Posted 6:00 PM
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Thanks to all of you who have been clicking here…and coming back. Sometime overnight we surpassed 200,000 hits on Bits & Pieces. At this moment we’re at 202,746… with an average of 3,854 hits a day now.
Now back to our regularly scheduled crap.
Posted 5:41 PM