Saturday, April 29, 2006
George Bush meets with the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Well, your Majesty, that would be me."
"Yes, Very good," says the Queen.
Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vice President, the same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."
Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"
Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Posted 5:57 PM
A website about a guy (and his friends) making a cross country trip (and back) on a motorcycle. Lot’s of pictures but not a lot of trip information.
The route they took and a view from the road.
Posted 5:05 PM
A Chicago family of Cubs fans heads out to shop for the youngest boy's Birthday. While in the sports shop, the son picks up a Cardinals jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Cardinals fan & I would like this St. Louis jersey for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him upside his head and says, "Go talk to Mother!"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Cardinals fan and would like this jersey for my birthday." The mother, outraged at this, promptly whacks him and says, "Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Cardinals jersey in hand and finds his father.
"I'm going to be a Cardinals fan and want this jersey for my birthday."
The father then proceeds to whack his son in the back of his head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
Back in the car and heading home, the father turns to his son and says "I hope you've learned something today."
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good, son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Cardinals fan for an hour, and I already hate you Cub bastards."
Posted 4:24 PM
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
Thanks Danny Mac
Posted 4:14 PM
Friday, April 28, 2006
Here are just a few ways:
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
- Staple pages in the middle of the page.
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Posted 4:23 PM
Here are some bloopers from comments doctors wrote on their patients charts:
- "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
- "On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
- "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
- "Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
- "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
- "The patient refused an autopsy."
- "The patient has no past history of suicides."
- "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
- "Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."
- "Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
- "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
- "She is numb from her toes down."
- "While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."
- "The skin was moist and dry."
- "Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
- "Patient was alert and unresponsive."
- "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."
- "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
- "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
- "Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
- "Skin: Somewhat pale but present."
- "Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."
- "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."
- "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
- "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
- "Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."
- "The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."
- "The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."
Posted 4:16 PM
Thursday, April 27, 2006
From Fox12 News in Newberg Oregon:
Police are looking for a rapist on the loose in Newberg.
Police say a man attacked a 19-year-old girl last week on S. Everest Road just outside of an apartment complex. The victim had just parked her car when the man walked toward her and pushed her back into her car before sexually assaulting her.
Investigators are calling it a predatory attack and say it's possible he's searching for more victims.
Police have released this sketch of the suspect. The suspect also has a distinctive tattoo on his forearm.
Police are warning women in the area to be extra careful.
Posted 4:35 PM
Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are just fine."
"After all this time," she said, "do they have names?"
"Yes ma'am," the doctor replied. "Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thought to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what did he name them?"
"The girl is Denise," said the doctor.
The new mother said, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise."
Then she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
Posted 4:29 PM
Cattle class could take on an entirely new meaning in air travel if Airbus goes through with its latest wheeze.
According to a report in the International Herald Tribune, the European plane maker is floating the idea of standing-room only at the back. Passengers in the standing section would be propped against a padded backboard and held in place with a harness.
This idea is coming from an airline that recently unveiled the world's biggest passenger jet, the A380, a double-decker behemoth capable of carrying 555 passengers. Depending on the configuration, the plane is big enough to have a casino, nurseries, shops and bars.
Posted 3:57 PM
How old is Grandma??? Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill
There was no: radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.
Man had not invented: pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers! ... and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.
Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day: "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, " chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.. and how old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old lady in mind...you are in for a shock! Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
This woman would be only 58 years old!
Posted 3:46 PM
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment .
Posted 5:01 PM
A 31-year-old woman, Dawn E. Poirier, was hospitalized after a 3-foot-long Gulf sturgeon jumped into her fiance's boat and hit her in the face.
The impact of the fish's bony plates caused Poirier to suffer severe facial injuries and fractures, requiring plastic surgery, her father, Ed White, 63, of St. Petersburg, told The Gainesville Sun.
Poirier's father called the accident "an act of God." The boat, being driven by Poirier's fiance, Johnson R. Staples III, 39, of St. Petersburg, was traveling south on the river going about 35 mph when the sturgeon jumped into the boat.
"It's like she slammed into a brick wall," White said.
Poirier was airlifted to Shands hospital at the University of Florida in Gainesville, where doctors listed her in fair condition. In addition to the injuries to her face, she had a spinal fracture, had stitches to her lips and right wrist and scraped on her shoulders.
The 19-foot boat received $1,000 in damages, said Karen Parker, a spokeswoman for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission. The fate of the sturgeon was not known.
Posted 3:32 PM
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
You can now save years of work and millions of dollars. We are selling unlimited quantities of absolutely nothing for only $9.95!
Our product is guaranteed to be the highest quality product available. It is the same product produced at a cost of billions of dollars by leading governmental bodies around the world.
Nothing produces adverse side effects that are far too numerous to list. However nothing is 100% safe for people of all ages. Nothing is 100% ecologically responsible green product. Zero resources are consumed in its production. Nothing is 100% adaptable to any environment. It requires no storage space, yet can expand to fill any volume. Nothing travels well, and effectively reduces time spent in airport security, customs, and baggage claim.
Nothing is 100% guaranteed. We will ship you nothing to any destination instantly*. Order now for yourself or as the perfect gift for the person who has everything!
Posted 4:40 PM
According to MSN Movies:
10. ‘The Blair Witch Project’ (1999)
9 'The Uninvited' (1944)
8. 'The Ring' (2002)
7. 'The Innocents' (1961)
6. 'The Others' (2001)
5. 'The Tenant' (1976)
4. 'Don't Look Now' (1973)
3. 'Carnival of Souls' (1962)
2. 'The Shining' (1980)
1. 'The Haunting' (1963)
Posted 3:55 PM
They’re visible only under blacklight.
Blacklight reactive ink is a great way to have a tattoo that no one can see but under the blacklight or to add a little something special to trip out your friends.
Really how safe is Chameleon Blacklight Tattoo Ink?
Given its extensive testing of FDA approval, with absolutely no adverse reactions to it in over ten years, it is all in the proof, this ink is most likely the safest ink on the market.
Posted 3:06 PM
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us"
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
Posted 2:53 PM