Saturday, April 21, 2007
Ashes
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in, and poured him out on the coffee table.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes. She said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Then she said, "And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of the hill that I fell in love with and you said we couldn't afford?"
Once more she answered saying, "Well I bought that too with the insurance money and I love living here."
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes . . ."
Oklahoma declares watermelon it's state vegetable
OKLAHOMA CITY — Oklahoma already has the strawberry as its official fruit, so the state Senate cleared the way Tuesday to declare the watermelon the state vegetable.
The measure was introduced in the House by Democratic Rep. Joe Dorman of Rush Springs, site of an annual watermelon festival in August.
Sen. Don Barrington, R-Lawton, sponsored the bill in the Senate.
“The controversy on whether watermelon is a fruit or vegetable has been officially decided by the Oklahoma Legislature,” Barrington said. He said watermelon comes from the cucumber and gourd families, which are classified as vegetables.
Others are not convinced. Sen. Nancy Riley, D-Tulsa, said her dictionary refers to the watermelon as a fruit.
“I guess it can be both,” Barrington conceded.
Communication
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
The Preacher's Convention
The newly-hired bellhop is asking an older employee what the tips were like. The senior bellhop tells him, "Just wait for the Preachers' Convention."
"Why? Are they generous?"
"Let's put it this way. Last year they showed up with the Ten Commandments in one hand and a ten dollar bill in the other, and when they left they hadn't broken either."
Friday, April 20, 2007
Miss Black America contest
There will only be 49 contestants in the Miss Black America contest this year. No one wants to wear the sash that says, “IDAHO”.
Test post
UPDATE: Looks like I’m almost back to normal….. however, and there’s always a however, the tags don’t seem to be working. If I add a tag then I get a posting error. So, until I get time to try and figure that out, there will be no tags on the posts here.
15 most embarrassing pics of George W. Bush
Everybody who’s ever had pictures taken of them knows that sometimes they can be embarrassing.
Now, if you happen to be the President of the United States, you tend to get a lot more photos taken of you.
So it would stand to reason that there would be a larger number of embarrassing ones. For your enjoyment, The Daily Background presents…. The top 15 most embarrassing photos of George W. Bush, complete with back stories and all.
Here is just one:
On the right, we have a 2005 headline proclaiming that the House of Representatives has banned gay unions. On the left, we have a picture of Bush holding hands with Saudi Prince Abdullah. Juxtaposition can be a killer. In fact, holding hands is quite common among men who are (just) friends in some parts of the middle east, but it still struck some as odd that Bush would try to emulate this part of Saudi culture… at his ranch in Texas. By the way, the Senate never passed the civil union ban, although Abdullah did eventually become King of Saudi Arabia, months after this photo was taken.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
New Problems
Seems I’ve figured out how to post, but now I’ve lost my titles.
I can enter them manually after I post by editing the post in Blogger…. but that’s a real pain. (FYI: I’ve been using Blogjet and it has worked very well until now. I have a question in at their support site.)
More later….. maybe.
Three contractors
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C., one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
Thanks Rich
Daylight Savings time = Global Warming ??
Pretty incredible letter form an attorney in Little Rock Arkansas. I had a friend who was trying to convince me with the same argument recently.
Troubles with blogging
I’m sitting in the Tampa airport terminal and am having difficulties posting to Bits & Pieces. I’ve been upgraded to the new Blogger (v2). It seems that my success is hit and miss for some reason. I’ll try to get it all figured out when I get back home tonight.
Climb the walls
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Viagra ads
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 list. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!
The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
Thanks Paul E
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Off on a quick trip to Florida
I’m off on a quick 2 day trip to Florida. I should be home Thursday.
Fortunately I’m flying Southwest. (Maybe I should wait until I make it home before I get too cocky.)
Y’all be careful out there.
Pee shiver
I’ve never heard of this:
Post-micturition convulsion syndrome, also known as piss shivers or pee shivers, is a phenomenon where one feels a shiver running down the spine following urination. This is a form of myoclonus. It is experienced mostly in males.
Although no serious studies have been conducted on the matter, the most likely explanation concerns the body's autonomic nervous system (ANS). The ANS is comprised of two systems: the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), and the sympathetic nervous system (SNS).
It is the SNS which acts to control bladder function; it makes sure that the bladder is relaxed and that the urethral sphincter is contracted. Part of the SNS response causes the brain to produce a number of chemicals, including the catecholamines epinephrine, norepinephrine, and dopamine. It is a switch to PNS, and the resulting switch in catecholamine production which most likely produces the shiver.
The shiver is also usually accompanied by a momentary rise in blood pressure and a temporary feeling of euphoria, often causing people to say "ahhh...".
-Wikipedia
Other Possible Causes Include:
- Heat loss due to several ounces of warm fluid leaving the body.
- Heat loss due to exposure of the body parts usually covered by clothing.
- The passage of spermatozoa into the urinary canal.
Contronyms
A synonym is a word that means the same as another. An antonym is a word that means the opposite of another. A contronym is a word that, by some freak of language evolution, are their own antonyms.
Here are a few examples of contronyms:
- bolt - secure, run away
- cleave - separate, adhere
- custom - usual, special
- fix - restore, castrate
- grade - incline, level
- left - remaining, departed from
- fast - quick, unmoving
- screen - show, hide
- weather - withstand, wear away
- wind up - end, start up (e.g., a watch)
Fun With Words has more examples of contronyms.
Inquiring minds want to know....
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? yeah, come on you do it too!!
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurts, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Monday, April 16, 2007
The hearing aid
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
$50 is $50
Morris And His Wife Esther Went To The State Fair Every Year, And Every Year Morris Would Say,"Esther, I'D Like To Ride In That Helicopter". Esther Always Replied ," I Know Morris, But That Helicopter Ride Is $50 Dollars And $50 Dollars Is $50 Dollars". One Year Esther And Morris Went To The Fair, And Morris Said" Esther I'M 85 Years Old. If I Don't Ride That Helicopter, I Might Never Get Another Chance". Esther Replied" Morris That Helicopter Is $50 Dollars And $50 Dollars Is $50 Dollars". The Pilot Over Heard The Couple And Said," Folks I'll Make You A Deal. I'll Take The Both Of You For A Ride. If You Can Stay Quiet For The Entire Ride And Not Say A Word I Don't Charge You! But If You Say One Word, It's $50 Dollars". Morris And Esther A Greed And Up They Went. The Pilot Did All Kinds Of Fancy Maneuvers, But Not A Word Was Heard. He Did His Dare Devil Tricks Over And Over Again, But Still Not A Word. When They Landed, The Pilot Turned To Morris And Said, "By Golly, I Did Everything I Could To Get You To Yell Out, But You Didn't. I'm Impressed!" Morris Replied" Well I Was Going To Say Something When Esther Fell Out........ But $50 Dollars Is .....$50 Dollars". Thanks Joe P
World's thinnest books
FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
HOW TO HUNT by Dick Cheney
MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL By Hillary Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gat es
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Madonna
MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA 'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS DETROIT : A Travel Guide
A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
BRIDGE TRAVEL by Ted Kennedy
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton
JOKES I WOULDN’T FORWARD by Joe P
Thanks Joe P
Sunday, April 15, 2007
April 15th... Income Tax day in the U.S.
Well, kinda, sorta. This year you (we) have until Tuesday, April 17th to file your tax return.
The new EZ TO DO Form
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.
The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
A man walks into a store followed by his ten-year-old son. His son is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. While walking through the store someone bumps into the boy and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face. His dad starts panicking and shouts and screams for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at the snack bar in the store reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee down, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way towards the boy. When he reaches the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes, gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat at the snack bar without saying a word.
As soon as the dad makes sure that his son is OK, he rushes over to the man and starts thanking him saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"Oh, good Heavens, no," the man replies, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."
Since the rich spending money will help the poor climb out of their predicament, it only makes sense for them to fund their own enterprise. Through increased taxes from the poor, the rich have gained enough money to help many poor persons climb out of poverty, into a career of golf, horseback rides, and eating cake off the back of a Canadian hooker.
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