Friday, December 16, 2005
What doesn't kill me, makes me drunker
I think that's a fine ode to drinking if I ever heard one, and as I'm about to embark on my Birthday fiesta, so I'm going to be offline for four days. And it ain't going to be pretty! At this point, I feel that I should share with you a few drinking points of wisdom that I've learned over time.
1. Buy the good stuff. Less of a hangover. Cuervo was just made for puking...
2. If you nail a coyote when you're drunk, and none of your friends saw her, she's a Supermodel!
3. No matter how skilled a badass you are, bouncers will still kick the crap out of you if you're hammered. Has to do with them being sober and you seeing six of 'em.
4. Cabs are a lot cheaper than a DUI. And you're anal virginity will remain intact as well. And jail food sucks!
5. Milk Thistle, Vitamin C, Aleve and as much water as you can suck down will kill 90% of your hangover.
From the dna cowboy via
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
A vary inneresting cumplaynt leter
A friend of mine works for an airport parking lot company. They received the following letter from one of their customers. The names were camouflaged to protect the ignorant.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Christmas Trivia
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Thanks Phyllis (I think)
The ebaY song
Cute song. I’m sure there are people like this, that buy anything and everything on ebaY.
Thanks Joe P
National Wildlife Magazine photo contest winners
Here are two of the winners. Very cool pictures from the National Wildlife Photo Contest.
Robert M. Palmer
Milliken, Colorado
A young swift fox makes a dash for its den, a kangaroo rat clenched tightly in its teeth. Earlier this year, Palmer stumbled upon the kit’s mother and followed her back to her den in eastern Colorado—a rare find, since swift foxes have vanished from 90 percent of their historic range in the United States. Over the next month or so, Palmer, a product manager, returned often to the site, taking hundreds of photos of the young fox family. "Once they got used to having me there, they acted like I was part of the family," he says. Palmer made this digital photo with a 500mm lens and a 1.4x teleconverter.
Edsel L. Romero
Cavite, Philippines
While visiting Singapore Botanic Gardens in July 2004, Romero spotted two pairs of mating daylight-flying moths on a single blade of grass. To take the digital photo, the computer programmer lay flat on the ground, inches away from the brightly patterned moths, and used a 180mm macro lens.
Monday, December 12, 2005
The Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch.
Suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
Thanks Phyllis
I think some changes are in order
Here is a screen capture from the front page of Richard Pryor’s official website this morning.
Richard Franklin Lennox Thomas Pryor (now, that’s a name) died Saturday of a heart attack at age 65.
Did you know Richard Pryor recieved $1 million dollars more than Christopher Reeve for his appearance in the movie Superman III.
Why Americans should never be allowed to travel
Here are a few actual stories from travel agents:
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
More from the amazing Christmas house
Surely by now, you have seen the amazing house that has set his Christmas lights to music. If you have not, well there are two videos floating around the net
Video One (Trans-Siberian Orchestra)
Video Two (Jingle Bells)
Carson Williams’ two-story home is decorated top to bottom with 25,000 Christmas lights - but that’s just the beginning.
He used software to program them to 12 minutes of Christmas music.
The result is a dancing display of synchronized lights that he says you have to see to believe.
According to PlanetChristmas.com and other Web sites, light-show technology is becoming more popular. There are even instructions on how to set up a display with Light-O-Rama software.
Want to find out how to do this yourself? Here is a nice How-To
From i-hacked.com via The Presurfer
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Richard Pryor dead at 65
Comedian Richard Pryor died yesterday, Saturday, December 10, 2006 from a heart attack. He was 65 years old.
By confronting racial differences and lampooning social mores while giving voice to people (such as himself) who grew up and lived in the margins of society, he forever altered the face of mainstream comedy.
Once the profane, edgy, manic Pryor bogarted his way into what had once been the province of safe, smiling, middle-of-the-road comics, it would never be the same again. Pryor was angry, confessional, insightful — and the funniest man alive. He was in your face, shaking out all of life's dirty little secrets — often through the prism of his own troubled life — and in doing so, he emboldened a generation of humorists to tackle edgy material.
"By telling the truth about his pain, Richard held up a mirror to society, and we were able to see our fears, our beauty, our prejudice, our wretchedness, our hopes, our dreams — all of our contradictions. He is truly the greatest comedian of our time," Damon Wayans says in the liner notes of the nine-disc Rhino box set Richard Pryor: And It's Deep Too! The Complete Warner Bros. Recordings (1968-1992).
Some imitators misunderstood his genius, seeming to think they could reach his heights by simply being foul-mouthed. But Pryor's liberal use of the F-word and the N-word (which he would renounce after an eye-opening 1979 trip to Zimbabwe) was just a residue of his self-expression. The real humor was in the meaning of what he said.
"What I'm saying may be profane, but it is also profound," Pryor was quoted as saying in Richard Pryor: Black and Blue by Jeff Rovin.
More from USAToday here.
According to Yahoo Movies Pryor appeared in 43 movies. Here is the Filomgrapy of Richard Pryor.
Euphenisms for death
Here are just a few:
- Forever City
- Procrastinator's paradise
- Assumed Room Temperature
- Bought a Yugo
- He's on a one way trip
- take a dirt nap
- Kicked the oxygen habit
- The Couch of dreamless sleep
- Motel Deep 6
- Dr. Frankenstein's "Farm"-acy
- Dust to dust reunion
- Failure to meet their wellness potential
- Field of Screams
- Basting the Formaldehyde Turkey
- Installed the Kevorkian Plug-n-Play
- Went to that big spelling checker in the sky
The complete list at deathslang.com
The Top 17 Rejected Names for Holiday TV Specials
From Top 5 List
17> Jingle All The Way -- a Body-Piercing Holiday- 16> Robert Downey, Jr. Presents the 12 Steps of Christmas
- 15> World's Funniest Airline Cancellations and Baggage Manglings
- 14> That's Not Chocolate, Charlie Brown!
- 13> How the Sony Corporation's Poor Advanced Planning and Woeful Unpreparedness in the Face of a Global Boom in Video Game Entertainment and a Strong Economy Stole Christmas
- 12> Life's a Bitch, George Bailey!
- 11> Stolen Motown Christmas Moments With George W. Bush and the Supremes
- 10> Holmes for the Holidays: Johnny Wadd's Swinging Christmas
- 9> HO, HO, HO! It's a Heidi Fleiss Christmas!!
- 8> Osama Bin Laden's "Infidels on Ice"
- 7> Marilyn Manson's Down-Home Christmas Carnage
- 6> It's a Wonderful Knife -- an O.J. Holiday Special
- 5> Pamela Anderson and the Not-So-Little Drummer Boy
- 4> Rudolph the Snot-Nosed, Ungrateful, 5-Year-Old Reindeer
- 3> Donny Osmond's Rockin' Kwanzaa-ganza!
- 2> Miracle at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
- 1> "No, YOU Open It" -- Christmas With the Sopranos
[ The Top 5 List
www.topfive.com ][ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
What do railroads, the Space Shuttle and a horse's ass have in common?
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing..
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Now the twist to the story
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
..... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!
Thanks Ronnie
Symptoms of Bird Flu
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately.
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.
Thanks Donnie Mac
25 signs that you have grown up
- 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
- 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
- 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
- 4. 6:00AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
- 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
- 6. You watch the Weather Channel.
- 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
- 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
- 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
- 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
- 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
- 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
- 13. Your car insurance goes down, and your car payments go up.
- 14. You feed your dog Science Diet, instead of McDonald's leftovers.
- 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
- 16. You take naps sometimes between noon and 6 PM.
- 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
- 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
- 19. If you're female, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
- 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
- 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
- 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
- 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
- 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
- 25. You read this entire list,looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry OLD butt.
Thanks Ronnie
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