Saturday, May 13, 2006
Give your mom a picture for Mother's Day
Or try to anyway…like these guys did.
Everyone has posted this. If you haven’t seen it yet, consider yourself s l o w.
Taking time off from searching for the real killers
O.J. Pulls White Bronco Prank on 'Juiced'
In a scene from his new candid-camera program "Juiced," O.J. Simpson pulls a prank involving the infamous white Bronco, drawing criticism from the family of a man he was accused of killing.
As part of the pay-per-view show, Simpson pretends to sell the Bronco at a used car lot and boasts to a prospective buyer that he made the vehicle famous, according to a segment aired Thursday on "Inside Edition."
"It was good for me - it helped me get away," Simpson said, referring to the slow-speed, televised police chase that preceded his 1994 arrest on charges of murdering his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ronald Goldman.
Goldman's father, Fred, told "Inside Edition" he found Simpson's comment "morally reprehensible."
The world's greatest magician
I saw this one going around for a few days and finally took a look at it. Now I understand what these people are talking about. Just incredible!
C How does he do it all? His name is Daniel Chesterfield. You’ll learn to remember that name.
You will be blown away with amazement. Now, I understand why they call him….
The world’s greatest magician
Friday, May 12, 2006
Unusual sexual euphenisms
Here are some of the less well known sexual euphenisims most of which I’ve not heard before (in that context). I understand most of them when used this way, but haven’t really actually heard them. There are plenty more familiar euphenisms here too.
Male
- Beef bus
- Bald Avenger
- Captain Howdy
- Captain Winky
- Chief of staff
- Corn dog
- Donut holder
- Hairy Houdini
- Hanging Chad
- Hymen hammer
- Intrusion protrusion
- Jingle bone
- Kidney cracker
- Leader of the sack
- Louisville plugger
- Monty’s python
- Rodzilla
- Taco warmer
- Ugly brother
Female
- Badly wrapped kebob
- Catcher’s mitt
- DNA dumpster
- Easy Bake Oven
- Fortune nookie
- Fuzzy taco
- Hairy Manilow
- Knots landing
- Lips that never speak
- Mrs. Sphincter’s next door neighbor
- Oval office
- Pink pie
- Skunk guts
- Slobbering bulldog
- Winking pink brownie cake
- x-box
Female Part II
- Betty & Wilma
- Butterballs
- Chesticles
- Glands for the hands
- Jelly on springs
- Lady balls
- Paw patties
- Pink nosed puppies
- Prisoners of the Playtex Penitentiary
- Rib cushions
- Upper deck
- Yard dogs
The Act
- Adam and Eve it
- Butter the muffin
- Do a lewd infusion
- Eat cauliflower
- Five knuckle shuffle
- four-legged frolic
- Get your chimney swept out
- Get you oil changed
- Give the dog a bone
- Glazing the donut
- Growling at the badger
- Have a bit of summer cabbage
- Horizontal hula
- Make grass sandwiches
- Mix your peanut butter
- Nose painting
- Pray with the knees upward
- Roughing up the suspect
- Swiping the V-card
- Taking “old one-eye” to the optometrist
- visit the Netherlands
Mood swings
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Pirate stories
A sailor and a pirate are drinking at a waterfront bar and they proceed to swap sea stories. The sailor notes the pirate's peg leg, eye patch and hook. "So tell me," asks the sailor, "how did you come to lose that leg?" "Arrgh," says the pirate, "'Twas a black squall swept me overboard. Whilst in the water, a shark snapped me leg off and I've had this peg leg ever since." "Wow!" says the sailor. "And how'd you get the hook?" "We was fighting at close quarters," says the pirate. "Some scurvy dog with a cutlass hacked me hand off and I've had this hook ever since." "Amazing!" says the sailor. "And what about the eye patch?" "Arrgh," says the pirate. "'Twas a seagull pooped in me eye." "A seagull?" asks the sailor, a bit incredulous. "Well, I should explain," says the pirate. "'Twas me first day with the new hook."
The Red Shirt
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.'' All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants.''
A future without bananas ?
I read about this a little while back. Kinda scary.
Go bananas while you still can. The world's most popular fruit and the fourth most important food crop of any sort is in deep trouble. Its genetic base, the wild bananas and traditional varieties cultivated in India, has collapsed.
Virtually all bananas traded internationally are of a single variety, the Cavendish, the genetic roots of which lie in India. Three years ago, New Scientist revealed that the world Cavendish crop was threatened by pandemics of diseases such as that caused by the black sigatoka fungus. The main hope for survival of the Cavendish lies in developing new hybrids resistant to the fungus, but this is a difficult and time-consuming task because the seedless modern fruit does not reproduce sexually and has to be bred from cuttings.
Not good news
HAVE 200,000 AK47S FALLEN INTO THE HANDS OF IRAQ TERRORISTS?
FEARS OVER SECRET U.S. ARMS SHIPMENT
SOME 200,000 guns the US sent to Iraqi security forces may have been smuggled to terrorists, it was feared yesterday.
The 99-tonne cache of AK47s was to have been secretly flown out from a US base in Bosnia. But the four planeloads of arms have vanished.
Orders for the deal to go ahead were given by the US Department of Defense. But the work was contracted out via a complex web of private arms traders.
And the Moldovan airline used to transport the shipment was blasted by the UN in 2003 for smuggling arms to Liberia, human rights group Amnesty has discovered.
It follows a separate probe claiming that thousands of guns meant for Iraq's police and army instead went to al-Qaeda.
Praying Mantis Makes Meal of a Hummer
Though we tend to think of hummingbirds as cute, dainty little things, in reality they make bold and fierce competitors. They don't let their guard down for a moment while defending their territories from other hummingbirds. They must also watch out for other animals that might prey on them, such as American kestrels in North America or tarantulas in South America. Praying mantises are also known to capture and kill hummingbirds...
The gay bar
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, and then he realizes it's a gay bar "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan ' Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left! who is sipping on a beer, Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, Why Timex?" the man proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!' "
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "Quality is Job One" "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's ' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!
Thanks Mary
Car accident reports
Here are some funny statements that were put on accident insurance claims:
- "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
- "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
- "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
- "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
- "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
- "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
- "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."
- "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
- "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
A Cubs fan
A first grade teacher in Northern Illinois explains to her class that she is a Cubs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Cubs fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Cubs fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Cubs fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Cardinal fan and proud of it," Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Cardinal fan?"
"Because my Mom is a Cardinal fan, and my dad is a Cardinal fan, so I'm a Cardinal fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Cardinal fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your Mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"
"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Cubs fan."
Thanks Ronnie
Thursday, May 11, 2006
I wonder what happened after this picture was taken...
Did the cat lunge for the bird and fall to one of it’s 9 deaths?
Did the cat have the bird for dinner?
Did the bird peck the cat’s eyes out?
Did the bird just fly away bored?
Inquiring minds want to know.
How do magicians do it?
Mom gives birth to 14 pound premature baby
It's not often a new mom delivers a 14-pound baby. It's even harder to fathom when the child is born a month premature. But not-so-little Olivia Patrick-Womack of Manteca California is living proof that not all good things come in small packages.Olivia is still the talk of the maternity ward at Tracy Sutter Community Hospital where she was born March 22. Now, after 27 days in the San Joaquin General Hospital neo-natal unit, Olivia is finally home with her happy parents.
Womack said doctors decided to deliver the baby when it became clear her daughter was larger than the average delivery. "A week before we had her, the sonogram said she was going to be 11 pounds, nine ounces," Womack said. "The doctor said because she was so big already, they wanted to get her out." Womack said doctors estimated Olivia could have been as big as 16 pounds if she'd stayed for the complete nine months.
A different way to ask her to marry you. 11 year old girl gives birth in bathroom
A MAN aged 37 has been arrested after an 11-year-old girl gave birth to a baby boy. He took the girl to a hospital where she complained of stomach pains. She was given two paracetamol — but went into labour as she sat on the loo. A source at Hillingdon Hospital, in Uxbridge, West London, said: “The whole episode was astonishing — she was only a child herself. The baby’s head had already popped out before the midwife got anywhere near her.”
Woman, 74, Gets Revenge on Gator With Hose
This is just a hop, skip and jump away from my aunt’s house. (Actually, across the bridge, so that means a long jump.)
FORT MYERS, Fla. - An elderly woman, who was bitten by an alligator while working in her backyard, beat back the reptile with a garden hose.
Constance Gittles, 74, of south Punta Gorda was watering plants Tuesday when a nearly 6-foot-long alligator bit her leg just above the ankle.
"I just whacked him right in the snout with the nozzle," she said. "After that, he took off," Gittles told the News-Press of Fort Myers.
Gittles received three puncture wounds and some smaller scrapes and abrasions from her confrontation with the alligator.
A trapper working with wildlife officials later caught the animal in a nearby pond. It will be killed and the hide and meat sold.
The Evolution of Dance!
I’ve seen this at several places in the last few days. This is the first time I actually looked at it. Very entertaining.
Brokeback deputies
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night." The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long." Thanks Joe P
Belly button lint
Some people gaze into their navel for inspiration: I look into mine and see navel fluff. Also known as navel lint, it is that fascinating fluffy substance that forms mysteriously in the belly buttons of special people.
I've been collecting navel fluff (just my own) since 1984, and upon learning of this, people usually ask "Why?". To this I answer "Why not?". In my mind, the worth of any collection depends on the following factors (in which my collection rates well):
Uniqueness - millions of people collect stamps and coins, but as far as I know nobody else collects navel fluff. That makes my collection unique!
Rarity - the navel fluff of Graham Barker is produced in very limited quantities by only one person and is not easily obtainable by others (not that anyone would want to).
Completeness of collection - I've been collecting my navel fluff consistently for around 20 years and have seldom missed a day's harvest. This makes my collection almost complete, a bit like having the full set of a country's currency.
Good condition of items - like uncirculated banknotes or stamps, my navel fluff is in mint condition. When harvested, I remove any body hair from the fluff then store it immediately in a jar, where it remains uncontaminated.
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