Saturday, July 28, 2007
Cheney Having Heart Surgery Today, Bush Will Briefly Be 'President'
From wonkette.com:
Last Saturday doctors performed surgery on George Bush’s asshole, and this Saturday they’ll do it again! But this time, it’s the other asshole, Dick Cheney. They are going to take apart his robotic pig heart and replace the core reactor.
That’s the Friday News Fun from the White House this afternoon. The procedure is just the latest of so very many operations for Cheney, who has already racked up “four heart attacks, quadruple bypass surgery, two artery-clearing angioplasties and an operation to implant the defibrillator.”
Stranded on a deserted island
A young single guy finds himself stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford. Immediately,
Cindy falls in love with the man.
Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?"
"Sure," she says, "if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction.
They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,
"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
I know my butts
Lets face it, we all like looking at a nice ass every once in a while, butt do you think you can identify whether or not the owner of certain butt's are male or female? We've put together a collection of butts to test your skills. Some are easy, some are not so easy, butt a true expert should get all of them right.
I took the quiz and got 9 out of 15 butts correct.
How well do you know butts? Take the Butt Quiz
The power of make-up
(All you Democrats, don’t jump on me. I’d have done it if it were Chelsea Laura Bush…. because it’s funny.)
Moments before the rain delay
Last night at the Cardinal game a few minutes before the deluge of rain. It was short lived though. Within 30 or 40 minutes the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals were back to losing big time to the first-place Milwaukee Brewers. Final score: 12–2. Ouch!
Have you ever seen a WATER bridge over a river?
WaterBridge in Germany. What a feat! Six years, 500 million euros, 918 meters long.......now this is engineering! This is a channel-bridge over the River Elbe and joins the former East and West Germany, as part of the unification project. It is located in the city of Magdeburg, near Berlin. The photo was taken on the day of inauguration. To those who appreciate engineering projects, here's a puzzle for you armchair engineers and physicists: Q: Did that bridge have to be designed to withstand the additional weight of ship and barge traffic, or just the weight of the water? A: It only needs to be designed to withstand the weight of the water! Why? A ship always displaces an amount of water that weighs the same as the ship, regardless of how heavily the ship may be loaded. Thanks Paul E
(Even after you see it, it is still hard to believe !)
Friday, July 27, 2007
A blonde and her dogs
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're Watch dogs!" via
Harvard vs Yale
A Harvard man and a Yale man are at the urinal. They finish and zip up. The Harvard man proceeds to the sink to wash his hands, while the Yale man immediately makes for the exit.
The Harvard man says, "At Harvard they teach us to wash our hands after we urinate."
The Yale man replies, "At Yale they teach us not to piss on our hands."
Thursday, July 26, 2007
The wedding ring curse
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
The fight
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
A vibrator for your iPod
A whole new way to plug 'n play! |  |
Hey, it’s only $69
Get it here
New invention...
Farmer Smith has just invented a new device which enables him to count his cows in the field quickly. He has called his invention a cowcalator.
Funny and useful military warnings
"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
Here are some funny quotations from certain people and Army hand books :
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
-- U.S.A. Ammo
When death comes calling, so does Oscar the cat
Oscar is a hospice cat at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in Providence, Rhode Island. Oscar seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients are going to die, by curling up next to them during their final hours.
His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has led the staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live.
According to Dr. David Dosa, many family members take some solace from it. They appreciate the companionship that the cat provides for their dying loved one.
I heard about this on the radio. Read the story about Oscar.
Thoughts on sex
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)!
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams
Thanks Mac
What would you do?
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you .
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star (below).
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
Thanks Mary
Water
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population.)2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain or up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a ! printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%., and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should drink every day?
Thanks Joe P
Coke
1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood fromthe highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.
The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers:
Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble
away the corrosion.
away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt:
Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake.
Thirty minutes before ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
Thirty minutes before ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into the load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle.
The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.
It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION:
1. the active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.
1. the active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.
It will dissolve a nail in about four days.
Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase of osteoporosis.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup! (the concentrate) the commercial trucks must use a hazardous Material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean engines of the trucks for about 20 years! ?
Now the question is, would you like a glass of water? or Coke?
Thanks Joe P
Little Joe
For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joe told him: "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a$280,000 mortgage and no bike.”
Thanks Joe P
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."
Thanks Joe P
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Gone fishin'...
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. ~Author Unknown
It has always been my private conviction that any man who pits his intelligence against a fish and loses has it coming. ~John Steinbeck
There are two types of fisherman - those who fish for sport and those who fish for fish. ~Author Unknown
Somebody just back of you while you are fishing is as bad as someone looking over your shoulder while you write a letter to your girl. ~Ernest Hemingway
Bragging may not bring happiness, but no man having caught a large fish goes home through an alley. ~Author Unknown
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. ~Dave Barry
There he stands, draped in more equipment than a telephone lineman, trying to outwit an organism with a brain no bigger than a breadcrumb, and getting licked in the process. ~Paul O'Neil, 1965
Good things come to those who bait. ~Author Unknown
Gone fishin', be back at dark-thirty! ~Author Unknown
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish. ~Author Unknown
Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught. ~Author Unknown
My biggest worry is that my wife (when I'm dead) will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it. ~Koos Brandt
The best of internet videos
Some stupid stuff…. some crazy stuff, some funny stuff and some shocking stuff in this 12 minute video compilation.
Truck tree house
This truck turned into a tree house was created by Mark Madson for his son in Beloit Wisconsin.
It seems as if the tree was made to hold this truck, because it fits perfectly between the two massive trunks of the tree. It fits so tight in fact, that Luke and his buddies have to crawl in through the windows, "Dukes of Hazzard" style.
Once they are inside, they can drive anywhere their imagination can take them. With the sounds of Interstate Highway 43 and the sway of the tree in the breeze, it's not hard to make believe that you are Peter Pan.
Of course, you have to provide your own engine sounds, with the help of your vibrating lips, and the radio will play any song you like, as long as you know the words. The box provides plenty of room to play, or to just lay back and watch the clouds drift by.
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