Saturday, July 28, 2007
Cheney Having Heart Surgery Today, Bush Will Briefly Be 'President'
From wonkette.com:
Last Saturday doctors performed surgery on George Bush’s asshole, and this Saturday they’ll do it again! But this time, it’s the other asshole, Dick Cheney. They are going to take apart his robotic pig heart and replace the core reactor.
That’s the Friday News Fun from the White House this afternoon. The procedure is just the latest of so very many operations for Cheney, who has already racked up “four heart attacks, quadruple bypass surgery, two artery-clearing angioplasties and an operation to implant the defibrillator.”
Stranded on a deserted island
A young single guy finds himself stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford. Immediately,
Cindy falls in love with the man.
Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?"
"Sure," she says, "if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction.
They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,
"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
I know my butts
Lets face it, we all like looking at a nice ass every once in a while, butt do you think you can identify whether or not the owner of certain butt's are male or female? We've put together a collection of butts to test your skills. Some are easy, some are not so easy, butt a true expert should get all of them right.
I took the quiz and got 9 out of 15 butts correct.
How well do you know butts? Take the Butt Quiz
The power of make-up
(All you Democrats, don’t jump on me. I’d have done it if it were Chelsea Laura Bush…. because it’s funny.)
Moments before the rain delay
Last night at the Cardinal game a few minutes before the deluge of rain. It was short lived though. Within 30 or 40 minutes the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals were back to losing big time to the first-place Milwaukee Brewers. Final score: 12–2. Ouch!
Have you ever seen a WATER bridge over a river?
WaterBridge in Germany. What a feat! Six years, 500 million euros, 918 meters long.......now this is engineering! This is a channel-bridge over the River Elbe and joins the former East and West Germany, as part of the unification project. It is located in the city of Magdeburg, near Berlin. The photo was taken on the day of inauguration. To those who appreciate engineering projects, here's a puzzle for you armchair engineers and physicists: Q: Did that bridge have to be designed to withstand the additional weight of ship and barge traffic, or just the weight of the water? A: It only needs to be designed to withstand the weight of the water! Why? A ship always displaces an amount of water that weighs the same as the ship, regardless of how heavily the ship may be loaded. Thanks Paul E
(Even after you see it, it is still hard to believe !)
Friday, July 27, 2007
A blonde and her dogs
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're Watch dogs!" via
Harvard vs Yale
A Harvard man and a Yale man are at the urinal. They finish and zip up. The Harvard man proceeds to the sink to wash his hands, while the Yale man immediately makes for the exit.
The Harvard man says, "At Harvard they teach us to wash our hands after we urinate."
The Yale man replies, "At Yale they teach us not to piss on our hands."
Thursday, July 26, 2007
The wedding ring curse
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
The fight
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
A vibrator for your iPod
A whole new way to plug 'n play! |  |
Hey, it’s only $69
Get it here
New invention...
Farmer Smith has just invented a new device which enables him to count his cows in the field quickly. He has called his invention a cowcalator.
Funny and useful military warnings
"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
Here are some funny quotations from certain people and Army hand books :
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
-- U.S.A. Ammo
When death comes calling, so does Oscar the cat
Oscar is a hospice cat at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in Providence, Rhode Island. Oscar seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients are going to die, by curling up next to them during their final hours.
His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has led the staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live.
According to Dr. David Dosa, many family members take some solace from it. They appreciate the companionship that the cat provides for their dying loved one.
I heard about this on the radio. Read the story about Oscar.
Thoughts on sex
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)!
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams
Thanks Mac
What would you do?
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you .
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star (below).
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
Thanks Mary
Water
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population.)2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain or up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a ! printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%., and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should drink every day?
Thanks Joe P
Coke
1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood fromthe highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.
The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers:
Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble
away the corrosion.
away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt:
Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake.
Thirty minutes before ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
Thirty minutes before ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into the load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle.
The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.
It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION:
1. the active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.
1. the active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.
It will dissolve a nail in about four days.
Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase of osteoporosis.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup! (the concentrate) the commercial trucks must use a hazardous Material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean engines of the trucks for about 20 years! ?
Now the question is, would you like a glass of water? or Coke?
Thanks Joe P
Little Joe
For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joe told him: "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a$280,000 mortgage and no bike.”
Thanks Joe P
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."
Thanks Joe P
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Gone fishin'...
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. ~Author Unknown
It has always been my private conviction that any man who pits his intelligence against a fish and loses has it coming. ~John Steinbeck
There are two types of fisherman - those who fish for sport and those who fish for fish. ~Author Unknown
Somebody just back of you while you are fishing is as bad as someone looking over your shoulder while you write a letter to your girl. ~Ernest Hemingway
Bragging may not bring happiness, but no man having caught a large fish goes home through an alley. ~Author Unknown
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. ~Dave Barry
There he stands, draped in more equipment than a telephone lineman, trying to outwit an organism with a brain no bigger than a breadcrumb, and getting licked in the process. ~Paul O'Neil, 1965
Good things come to those who bait. ~Author Unknown
Gone fishin', be back at dark-thirty! ~Author Unknown
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish. ~Author Unknown
Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught. ~Author Unknown
My biggest worry is that my wife (when I'm dead) will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it. ~Koos Brandt
The best of internet videos
Some stupid stuff…. some crazy stuff, some funny stuff and some shocking stuff in this 12 minute video compilation.
Truck tree house
This truck turned into a tree house was created by Mark Madson for his son in Beloit Wisconsin.
It seems as if the tree was made to hold this truck, because it fits perfectly between the two massive trunks of the tree. It fits so tight in fact, that Luke and his buddies have to crawl in through the windows, "Dukes of Hazzard" style.
Once they are inside, they can drive anywhere their imagination can take them. With the sounds of Interstate Highway 43 and the sway of the tree in the breeze, it's not hard to make believe that you are Peter Pan.
Of course, you have to provide your own engine sounds, with the help of your vibrating lips, and the radio will play any song you like, as long as you know the words. The box provides plenty of room to play, or to just lay back and watch the clouds drift by.
July 24th
Today is the anniversary of my birth. I was born a lot of years ago. I was so stunned at that event that I didn’t talk for a year or so. I eventually overcame that shyness and began conversing with the world around me.
(Not me)
Others born on this date:
- Bella Abzug (1920 - ____) US lawyer, politician; "Battling Bella" was the first Jewish congresswoman; wide-brimmed hats are her trademark.
- Barry Bonds (1964) Riverside CA, left fielder, (Pirates, SF Giants, 3X MVP)
- Ruth Buzzi (1936) Comedienne, actress or westerly ri, comedienne, (laugh-in, margie-that girl)
- Lynda Carter (1951) Actress, "wonderwoman" or phoenix az, miss usa, (1973)/actress, (wonder woman)
- Amelia Earhart (1898 - 1937) US aviatrix; She was the first woman to solo across the Atlantic and from Hawaii to California; mysteriously disappeared, 1937.
- Robert Hays (1947) Bethesda Md, actor, (Airplane!, Starman, Scandalous)
- Dan Hedaya (1940) Actor, (cheers, marvin's room, clueless)
- Jennifer Lopez (1970) Actress, (selena)
- Karl Malone (1963) Summeerfield LA, NBA forward, (Utah, Oly-2 gold-92, 96)
- Anna Paquin (1982) Oscar winning actress, (piano)
- Alexandre Dumas Père (1802) France, author, (3 Musketeers)
- Michael Richards (1949) LA Calif, comedian, (Fridays, Kramer-Seinfeld)
Some who died on July 24th:
1862 Martin Van Buren 8th pres, dies in Kinderhook NY
1954 Mary Church Terrell educator/civil rights leader, dies at 90
1966 Montgomery Clift actor, dies at 45
1972 Bobby Ramirez drummer (White Trash), killed at 23 in bar brawl
1974 Chris Chubbock newscaster shoots self on air
1979 Archie Duncan actor (Sherlock Holmes), dies at 65
1980 Peter Sellers dies at 54
1991 Isaac Bashevis Singer Nobel prize winning author, dies at 87
On this day...
1651 Anthony Johnson, a free black, receives grant of 250 acres in Va
1673 Edmund Halley enters Queen's College, Oxford, as an undergraduate
1683 1st settlers from Germany to US, leave aboard the Concord
1701 French make 1st landing at site of Detroit
1704 Great Britain takes Gibralter from Spain
1758 George Washington admitted to Virginia House of Burgess
1783 Georgia becomes a protectorate of tsarist Russia
1799 William Clark (of Lewis & Clark) is willed the slave York
1824 Harrisburg Pennsylvanian newspaper publishes results of 1st public opinion poll. Clear lead for Andrew Jackson
1847 Brigham Young & his Mormon followers arrive at Salt Lake City, UT
1847 Rotary-type printing press patented by Richard March Hoe, NYC
1866 Tennessee becomes 1st Confederate state readmitted to Union
1870 1st trans-US rail service begins
1877 1st time federal troops are used to combat strikers
1900 Race riot in New Orleans, 2 white policemen killed
1915 Excursion ship Eastland capsizes in Lake Michigan, 852 die
1919 Race Riot in Washington DC (6 killed, 100 wounded)
1923 Allied Powers & Turkey sign peace treaty, Lausanne
1925 Scopes guilty of teaching evolution in a Tn HS, fined $100 & costs
1929 NY to SF footrace ends (2« months) winner was 60 year old Monteverde
1929 Pres Hoover proclaims Kellogg-Briand Pact which renounces war
1933 K Reinmuth discovers asteroids #1645 Waterfield, #1668 Hanna, #1726 Hoffmeister, #2136 Jugta & #2158
1934 1st ptarmigan hatched & reared in captivity, Ithaca, NY
1936 118ø F (48ø C), Minden, Nebraska (state record)
1936 121ø F (49ø C), near Alton, Kansas (state record)
1937 Alabama drops charges against 5 blacks accused of rape in Scottsboro
1948 Soviets blockades Berlin from the west
1950 V-2/WAC Corporal rocket launch; 1st launch from Cape Canaveral
1952 112ø F (44ø C), Louisville, Georgia (state record)
1952 Pres Truman settles 53-day steel strike
1959 VP Nixon argued with Khrushchev, known as "Kitchen Debate"
1961 Beginning of a trend, a US commercial plane is hijacked to Cuba
1961 Edwin Newman becomes news anchor of the Today Show
1963 124 Unification church couples wed in Korea
1963 Sonny Liston KOs Floyd Patterson to retain heavyweight championship
1965 Bob Dylan release "Like a Rolling Stone"
1965 Casey Stengel resigns as manager of the NY Mets
1967 Beatles sign a petition in The Times to legalize marijuana
1967 Charles de Gaulle says 'Vive le Qu‚bec libre! Long live free Quebec!'
1967 Race riot in Cambridge Maryland
1969 Apollo 11 returns to Earth
1969 Hoyt Wilhelm pitches in a record 907th major league game
1969 Muhammad Ali is convicted for refusing induction in US Army on appeal
1972 Jigme Singye Wangchuk becomes king of Bhutan at 16
1973 NL beats AL 7-1 in 44th All Star Game (Royals Stadium, KC)
1973 Sue Berning wins US golf open for 3rd time
1974 Supreme Court unanimously rules Nixon must turn over Watergate tapes
1975 Apollo 18 returns to Earth
1978 "Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" premeirs in NYC
1978 Billy Martin resigns as Yankee manager after "the one is a born liar the other a convicted one" comment about Steinbrenner & Jackson
1979 Red Sox Carl Yastrzemski hits his 400th HR
1982 E Bowell discovers asteroid #2763 Jeans
1983 Pine Tar Game, Brett's HR disallowed against Yanks (overturned)
1984 Seve Ballesteros wins the British Open
1985 Gandhi signs peace contract with Sikh leader Harchand Singh Longowai
1986 SF Federal jury convicts navy radioman Jerry Whitworth of espionage
1987 IBM-PC DOS Version 3.3 (updated) released
1988 US & Jamacia play scoreless tie, in 2nd round of 1990 world soccer cup
1990 Ms. Magazine hits the newstands again after an 8 month haitus
1991 U of Manchester scientist announce finding a planet outside of the solar systemMore of This day in history
If today’s your birthday, click here for a really bad, but funny, birthday song.
(I told you it was bad)
Monday, July 23, 2007
How to write a really, really good obituary
Most obituaries are really not all that good and you are usually never around to read your own. Here are some great ideas if you want an exciting obituary that everyone will enjoy reading while you get back at your high school enemies.
Just one example:
1. Write your own obituary
First things first: you MUST write your own obituary or have a trusted friend do it BEFORE you die. If you do not, your Aunt (who writes her own blog) will write it and unless your Aunt is Lia, it will suck and you’ll be stuck with an awful obituary. When it is completed, make sure you send your obituary out to your family so that they can miss you while you are still alive and also pay to be included in the obituary (see section #5) or pay to be excluded from the obituary (see section #8.)
I wish I had read this a couple weeks ago. I did the eulogy for my aunts funeral. But I guess there’s a difference between a eulogy and an obituary. Oh well. Fun reading nonetheless.
How to write a really, really good obituary
Patent
I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
A few good one-liners
- Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
- Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
- Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
- They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
- A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
- Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
- Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
- You can't buy love . . but you pay heavily for it.
- True friends stab you in the front.
- Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
- Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
- Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
- My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
- Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
- Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
- It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
- They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
- Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
- Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
- Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
Colonoscopy humor
The president had a colonoscopy on Saturday. Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"5.. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all..
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
Super sex
A little old man has his 90th birthday. So his friends decide to liven up his life by buying him a hooker for the evening.
She knocks on his door. When he opens it, she says, "I'm here to give you super sex."
The old man thinks for a moment and replies, "If its all the same to you, I'll take the soup."
The pirate
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now,"
"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook"
Tammy Faye Baker (Messner) on Larry King Live
No matter how you felt about her this is so sad. This interview was the day before she died. She looks like she already died. She weighed 65 pounds.
Watch the video (Some may not want to watch it)
Children's science exam answers
If you need a laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers.
And we think we are going back to the moon???
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegarQ: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E,
I, O, and U.Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lieQ: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.'
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
You can't argue with them..
Thanks Joe P
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Now watch
The most accurate time piece ever invented!
Precisely accurate in all time zones throughout the entire universe.
A timely reminder of the only moment that really matters - NOW.
The NOW watch consists of reflective metallic lettering on a traditional watch face that rests on a black leather cuff band. The black unisex design fits all wrists on both men and women.
On Sale for $49.95 here
Irish personal ads
How can you possibly not love the Irish? These were actual "Personal Ads" in the Dublin News:
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict who is interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
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Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiance, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
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Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes . . . maybe more.
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Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
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Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
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Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed super model, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
Thanks Donnie Mac
I'm back... safe and sound...well, barely
Had a good time at the Lake of the Ozarks. A friend has a really nice house there and we rented a pontoon boat Saturday and went to the Party Cove. Ten of us laughing, drinking and just having a good old time.
As we were leaving we hit the wake of a lot of boats and we started taking on water. Coolers and everything that wasn’t attached started floating in the boat. Even some of the bench seats were floating around. But our brave Cap’n Mel didn’t abandon ship and guided us to safety. That was something we’ll talk and laugh about for years to come.
There are literally hundreds… maybe thousands of boats in the Party Cove on a nice weekend. Anything and everything goes on there. But like they say…. what happens in the Party Cove stays in the Party Cove (except in pictures). The Lake Patrol made their presence known but it didn’t seem to inhibit the partying crowd very much.
There were probably close to a billion dollars in boats out there on Saturday. It’s unbelievable.
Above is an unidentified party reveler with his new girlfriend.
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