Saturday, June 24, 2006
“It’s a goner!”
Baseball fans can show support in afterlife
Eternal Image Inc., which makes customized caskets and urns, said on Friday it has signed a multiyear licensing agreement with Major League Baseball that allows the company to reproduce the names and logos of all 30 league teams on a new line of caskets and urns.
"Fans incorporate baseball in nearly every aspect of life," Eternal Image Chief Executive Clint Mytych said, adding that the caskets could appeal to "a market that is just waiting for a way to make team loyalty a final statement of a great passion in their lives."
Die-hard baseball fans will soon have a way to be close to their favorite teams in the afterlife.
The urns and caskets will go on sale next year at prices from about $600 to $3,500, Mytych said.
"Our clubs receive these requests with some frequency. We have really passionate fans," Major League Baseball spokeswoman Susan Goodenow said, adding that the deal gives the sport's governing body control of the tastefulness of the product.
Sports licensing accounted for an estimated $14.5 billion in retail sales last year in the United States, up 1.9 percent from 2004, according to the International Licensing Industry Merchandisers' Association.
The idea of sports teams' logos and colors on caskets is not new as fans of Argentina's most popular soccer team, Boca Juniors, can buy their own coffins decorated in team colors and symbols for $650 to $800, a small fortune for many of its working-class followers.
One of Boca's soccer field chants says: "The day I die, I want my coffin painted blue and gold, like my heart."
Posted 4:03 PM
From the Straight Dope:
Dear Straight Dope:
How much do tramps or, as Americans call them, bums make from begging? I say this because I'm not doing particularly well at school and I want to find out about my future career prospects. I couldn't seem to find out much about this career path and so naturally I came to you. --Tom Churchill
Estimates vary from a couple of dollars (U.S.) a day on the low end, to $20 to $50 a day in the mid-range, to about $300 a day on the high end. Women, especially those who have children with them, and panhandlers who appear to be disabled tend to receive more money. For this reason, some panhandlers pretend to be disabled and/or war veterans. Others use pets as a means of evoking sympathy from passersby. Panhandlers' regular donors can account for up to half their receipts.
Posted 3:41 PM
Friday, June 23, 2006
Creative Job - Commute Helper
Sometimes I’m amazed at the creativity of some people who earn a good living filling needs that anyone could do. I was at a gathering today when I struck up a conversation with a man who described his job as a “commute helper.”
“OK, what exactly is a commute helper?” I asked
“I help people have a smooth and quick commute,” he replied.
“How do you do that?” I asked
“I sit in their car, ” he said with a smile.
This is what happened. If you live in the San Francisco Bay Area, the commutes in certain sections are absolutely horrendous. This guy was sitting in a traffic jam one morning watching all the people in the carpool lane drive by while he was moving at snail’s pace. He decided that he needed to get someone else in his car so that he could get to work in a timely manner using the carpool lane, and at first thought that his only option was to start a carpool.
As he thought about it more, however, he thought that he (as in himself and his body) was actually a valuable commodity and he could sell himself and that is exactly what he did. He walked to the freeway entrance and held up a sign that said,
“Traffic is bad. Spend 2 hours or pay me $10 and get there in 20 minutes”
He said the first day he was picked up within 15 minutes. When he got dropped off, he walked to the other side, held up his sign and got paid to go back the other way too. On a typical day he makes 2 to 3 round trips during the morning commute rush hour and 3 - 5 round trips during the evening rush hour. If there is an accident and traffic is really slow, his price doubles. He clears $100 - $300 a day sitting in a car so others can get to work and home faster!
I just had to laugh when I heard his explanation and how brilliantly simple it was.
Posted 4:35 PM
A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.
Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said.
At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girl’s eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" asked our jeweler. "I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."
Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"
Posted 4:25 PM
A Wisconsin man has received an unexpected message from a deceased friend -- in a bottle floating in a lake.
Steve Lieder was chatting with friends near White Lake when he looked down and saw a bottle. They broke it open and found a note. Lieder was amazed to find it was written eleven years ago by one of his closest friends, who died last year.
Joshua Baker was ten years old when he wrote the message for a school project, stuck it in a bottle and tossed it in the lake.
The note reads: "My name is Josh Baker. I am 10. If you find this, put it on the news. The date is 4/16/95."
Baker died last year in a traffic accident in California. His mother says he had recently returned home after serving in the Marines in the Middle East. She plans to display the note in her home.
Posted 4:07 PM
There were these two sophomores at Duke University who were taking Organic Chemistry. (Future med students, don't you know.) They had done reasonably well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs. Going into the final exam, they had solid A's.
Well, even though the Chem final was on Monday, these two sophs were so confident ... (How confident were they?) ... they were so confident that, the weekend before finals week, they decided to go up to University of Virginia to party with some friends. Well, they had a great time.
However, they ended up staying rather longer than they planned, and did not make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. At that point, they were a bit tired. So, rather than taking the final then, they slept in and found their professor after the final.
They explained to him that they had missed the final because they had gone up to Virginia for the weekend, and, although they had planned to come back in time to study, they had a flat tire on the way back. Since they did not have a spare, they could not get help for a long time -- so they were late getting back to campus.
Thinking this story over, the professor finally agreed that they could make up the final the following day. Needless to say, the two guys were elated and relieved; and they studied all that night.
Next day, when they came to write the make-up exam, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. The first problem was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. They figured they had the examination aced -- until they turned the page.
Question 2. (95 points)
Posted 3:58 PM
Instead of quelling riotous crowds with tear gas or rubber bullets, peacekeepers may soon be sliming them.
A portable device worn like a Ghostbuster backpack allows the wearer to cover the ground in goo so slippery it's almost impossible for a person to maintain their footing.
"It's like walking on ice," said Errol Brigance, a senior research engineer at the Southwest Research Institute in San Antonio, Texas.
Brigance and his colleague Rolf Glauser filed for a patent on the anti-traction method earlier this year.
The technology, developed in partnership with the U.S. Marine Corps, offers another non-lethal weapon to the military's crowd control arsenal.
Although other methods — including tear gas, acoustic guns, stun guns, strobe lights and crowd barriers — work well, not every technique is appropriate for every situation. Barriers are bulky and require advance planning, for example, and in some cases, stun guns have proved lethal.
"This is about adding more tools to the toolbox," said Brigance.
The backpack system weighs less than 75 pounds and consists of three tanks: one containing compressed air, another filled with five gallons of water, and a third containing powder made from an acrylic polymer.
The compressed air works to independently pump the water and powder out two nozzles, mixing the substances mid-air into a honey-thick goo too viscous to be dispensed any other way.
The nozzles can shoot the non-toxic material up to 25 feet, enough leeway to slime the ground in front of a maddening mob. Vehicles won't have much luck gaining traction either.
Researcher Neil Davison, who coordinates the Bradford Non-Lethal Weapons Research Project at the University of Bradford in the U.K., cautions such a system could cause more chaos and harm than initially intended.
"If everyone is falling over in a crowd situation, that might make it more hazardous," he said.
And it could spell trouble for a vehicle in motion. "If they are traveling at high speeds it may not be non-lethal," said Davison.
The anti-traction device is currently slotted for two phases of testing and could be in use by the end of next year.
Posted 3:35 PM
From the Springfield News-Leader about the Battlefield Mall in Springfield Missouri: (Offensive bandana below)
Lydia Smith and her mom were eating lunch at the mall Saturday while shopping for new church clothes when Lydia saw a mall security officer ask a nearby teenager to remove a bandana.
Lydia was wearing a bandana, too, folded in a triangle and tied under her hair.
The officer handed Lydia's mother, Susan Smith, a printed copy of the Battlefield Mall Code of Conduct, an official document prohibiting mall patrons from engaging in certain activities while on mall property.
Without knowing, Lydia had violated No. 10 on the list of 17 offenses: "failing to be fully clothed or wearing apparel which is likely to provide a disturbance or embroil other groups or the general public in open conflict."
Posted 3:21 PM
Thursday, June 22, 2006
I drank a bit too much last weekend and passed out at my desk. Some people decided to Shame me by covering me with everything in the fridge and some random items in the room. When all was said and done, I was stuck with a bill over $600 for a new computer tower and new carpet. Open towers and me getting up covered with approx. 30 food items don't mix.
This web site is of course for YOUR entertainment - but I was also hoping to collect some of the money back to replace those destroyed items and maybe some more to get back at those kids who did this to me. Anything would be appreciated from $.30 to $3.
Posted 5:24 PM
"Please tell me," he begged the fortune teller, "are there golf courses in heaven?"
She stared into her crystal ball a long time. Finally, she utters those eight immortal words: "I have good news, and I have bad news."
"What is the good news?"
She smiles wistfully: "The golf courses in heaven are beautiful beyond anything you can imagine."
"Wonderful! But what is the bad news?"
"You will be teeing off at 7:30 tomorrow morning."
Posted 5:17 PM
1. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
4. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
5. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
Posted 5:12 PM
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
Posted 5:11 PM
Of the World’s Top 100 Wonders compiled by Hillmanwonders.com, I’ve been to three of them. Four if you count looking down on one from an airplane as it passed over it. My three are San Francisco, Niagara Falls, and the New York Skyline.
That’s just depressing!
Posted 3:21 PM
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. (My favorite)
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Thanks Ronnie & Sue
Posted 4:43 PM
Today is the first day of summer.
Solstice is derived from Latin solstitium (from sol: "sun" and sistere: "stand still").
The summer solstice is the day of the year with the longest daylight period and hence the shortest night.
The day of the winter solstice is the shortest day and the longest night of the year.
P.S. I don’t quite understand that graphic… but I know it’s hot and the days are longer.
Posted 4:31 PM
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them."
Posted 4:23 PM
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Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Posted 4:12 PM
Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Wanting Love. If you see him looking for love, make him a sandwich.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now, the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
Posted 4:04 PM
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny----------"I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer---------" You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny----------"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny----------"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer---------"Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny---------"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Posted 3:54 PM
- Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
- Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
- Why do they put up pictures of criminals in the post office? What are we supposed to do, write to these men?
- Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
- Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
- Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
- Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a Danish!"
- Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
- Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
- Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
- Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
- Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
- Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
- Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
- Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
- Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
- Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
- Why is a boxing ring square?
- Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
- Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
- Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
- Why are Trix only for kids?
- Where does the white go when snow melts?
Posted 3:47 PM