![BumNeedingBeer[1]](http://www.jonco48.com/blog/BumNeedingBeer[1].jpg)
Saturday, July 07, 2007
![Normal_colorquiz[1]](http://www.jonco48.com/blog/normal_colorquiz[1].jpg)
Friday, July 06, 2007
90 year old man and the umbrella
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have a 22-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly."
Thanks Joe P
Thursday, July 05, 2007
That's All Right Mama
On July 5, 1954, Elvis Presley's first commercial recording session took place at Sun Records in Memphis, Tenn.
Elvis Presley performs in 1956. This photo was used for his first RCA Victor album cover.
The breakthrough recording is Arthur “Big Boy” Crudup’s That’s All Right. This song, backed with Blue Moon of Kentucky becomes the first of five singles Elvis will release on the Sun label.
"That's All Right (Mama)" is the name of the first single released by Elvis Presley. It was recorded in July 1954, and released on July 19, 1954.
"That's All Right (Mama)" was written and originally recorded by Arthur "Big Boy" Crudup in 1946. Elvis' version of the song, was combined with "Blue Moon of Kentucky" as the B-side. Its catalogue number was Sun 209. The label reads "That's All Right" (omitting (Mama) from the original title), and names the performers as Elvis Presley, Scotty & Bill. Arthur Crudup is also listed on this label, giving him credit for authorship.[1] It was recorded at Sun records in 1954 with Elvis Presley providing vocals and rhythm guitar, Scotty Moore on lead guitar, and Bill Black on upright "slapped" bass. It was produced by Sam Phillips in the style of a "live" recording (all parts perfomed at once and recorded on a single track). The recording contains no drums or additional instruments.
Upon finishing the recording session, according to Scotty Moore, Bill Black remarked, "Dam. Get that on the radio and they'll run us out of town."
When the song was initially played on the radio, many listeners called the station to request it again and again, and due to the amount of callers, the title was played all night.
Humor for lexophiles
- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
- The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
- The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
- The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
- Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
- We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
- When the smog lifts in
- The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground
- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
- A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
- If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
- A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in Fran ce , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
- You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- Local Area Network in
- He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
- A calendar's days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
- If you jump off a
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Thanks Brother Paul
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Happy 4th of July
Obscure facts about the Declaration of Independence
Fireworks to Avoid
When shopping for fireworks, these are the ones you should avoid:
1. Golden Showers
2. Grampa's VC Flashback
3. No Fuse!
4. MTV's Jackass Starter Set
5. Run Kitty! (Banned In USA)
6. Charlton Heston's Peacekeeper
7. Florescent Bulb Blasters
8. Concentration Caps!
9. Spirit of Seventy Bics (Recording of Free Bird Included)
10. Devil's Eyewash
11. Simpering Widow
12. three Assorted Lifelong Learning Disorders
13. Ash Parade
14. Flying Digits
15. twenty-five Night Terrors
16. Flimsy Flamer (no longer endorsed by Michael Jeter)
17. Exhaust Pipe Lotus
18. Lucky Bastard
19. Stink Snakes
20. Mob Family Reunion
21. Dazzling Super Concussion Grenade
22. Dixie Lawn Cross
23. Yankee Doodle Debris
24. Billie Holiday's "Cigarette Oxygen Tent" (heroin not Included)
25. Don't Put This In Your Mouth - Wink Wink!
26. Blistering Flesh Flowers
27. Dante's Suppositories
28. two hundred Kosov-Oh's
29. Asthma Aggravators
30. Smoldering Monkey Fur
31. eleven Nicaraguan Ground Flowers
32. Forearm-egeddon!
33. Star Spangled Seizure
34. Mr. Toad's Meth House
35. Vehicular Flambé
36. Wac-O-rama
37. Slumlord Water Heater Fireball
38. God's Will
39. Senator Kerrey's Hut Burners
40. Flaming Cardboard From Heaven
41. Look, Ma! No Thumbs!
42. Magma Facial
43. Pothole Poppers
44. A Quite Suprising Number Of Flowers
45. Rain Of Frightened Birds
46. Baby Bottle Rockets
47. Tiannamen Squares
48. Tony Robbins' Empowering Inferno
49. Pepper Spray Spritzers
50. Downtown Oakland
51. Nuclear Winter Wonderland
52. Fun Fire Tire
53. Shrieking Hobo
54. Light Fuse - Get Away!
55. Mutually Assured Destruction (small and large)
56. Orange Safety Cone Road Volcano
57. fifteen Asphyxiators (banned in Florida)
58. Piccolo Pipe Bomb
59. Flagtastic Tee-Pee Torch
60. Wannabe Weekend Warrior
61. Junior Terrorist
62. sixty Eardrum Splitters
63. Standards Inspector's Holiday
64. seven hundred Gutter Busting Curb Cloggers
65. six Philadelphia Blunts
66. Urban Blight
67. Instant Burning Man Festival
68. Uncle Sam's Inflamed Rectum
69. two thousand Fizzlers
70. Surfacing Submarine Tragedy
71. Mustard Tears
72. Pissed-Off Neighbor
73. Magic Rotten Smell
74. Rug Burners
75. Shirtless Bystander Barrage
76. Intergalactic Race Riot
77. Ultimate Pyro Plum Thunder Hen Jamboree
78. Spy Plane Apology
79. Armand Assante's Inferno
80. White Trash Block Party
81. Bedridden All Summer Long
82. Capital Funishment
83. Stack-O-Old-Newspapers
84. Defective Stunt Squibs (banned in Hollywood)
85. Doggie Bladder Tester
86. Couch-On-Fire, Hidden Dragon
87. Thirty Knuckle Spreaders
88. The Oklahoma City
89. Musical Lawn Chairs
90. Spyro-Gyra-Technics
91. twenty Homeroom Raiders
92. Sweatshop Fiasco
93. Incontinent Panda Mystery Geyser
94. Strobing California Power Grid
95. Honest Abe Pagoda
96. Bacon Fat in a Coffee Can
97. Big Noisy Ninja
98. Super Color Magical Negro (lawsuit pending)
99. Apocalypse Now - Potato Salad Later
100. fifty Oily Rags
101. Garbage Man's Nightmare
Milk
“The price of milk has gone up. Some experts say it could hit $4 a gallon. That’s unbelievable. In fact, President Bush said today, ‘If the price of milk continues to rise we may have to invade Wisconsin.’
Hey. I would rather fight them in Milwaukee than fight them here. You know what I’m saying?”
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably golfing or fishing with his friends."
Baseball in heaven
Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played Minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor, When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball up there."
Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed," Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, " Moe--Moe."
"Who is it?, asks Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's baseball in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what could possibly be the bad news?"
You're pitching Tuesday !!!
Stupid Styles
I’m sorry, but I think this style of dress is stupid, ugly and shows no class at all. People who dress like this have no sense of fashion whatsoever. No one wants to see your underwear.
Pull your damn pants up!
Catching a deer with a bird
Some might find this squeamish. It’s a big bird…and he brings down that deer.
This hunter is able to catch and kill a deer using a bird which Im pretty sure is Ted Nugents idea of heaven. What is that a hawk?
Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love a drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!" Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
Thanks Joe P
Moon Google
In honor of the first manned Moon landing, which took place on July 20, 1969, we’ve added some NASA imagery to the Google Maps interface to help you pay your own visit to our celestial neighbor. Happy lunar surfing. More about Google Moon.
Moon Google (Be sure to zoom all the way in for a surprise)
Monday, July 02, 2007
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
Stay away from these condoms
I wouldn’t touch these with a ten foot pole. (Not that I have a ten foot pole)
Click to read the fine print
Is it a crock eating dog or a dog eating crock?
Regardless, it’s very cute. It’s from an advertising promotion for the Zoo Neunkirchen in Germany. Their slogan is ‘Come To The Zoo Before The Zoo Comes To You’ .
Everyday tasks for a Chinese woman with no hands
An amazing video about a Chinese woman who manages most routine tasks rather well despite having no hands. From shopping, to cooking to sewing to writing letters to playing cards to putting her jammies on and so on.
I’d probably starve to death.
Science quiz
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very,very disappointed.
Thanks Joe P
A small accident
I was in an accident this afternoon. Nothing really serious but I took my eyes off the road for a second and rear-ended a car.
We pulled over and got out, and the other driver was a DWARF!!
He was pissed!
He stomped back to me, looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"
I said, "Okay, then, which one are you?"
Thanks Joe E
Sunday, July 01, 2007
World's smallest PC
With a name like Space Cube, this gadget had me expecting something a little more Borgified, but by claiming to be the world's smallest PC, it still commands some attention. It measures just 2 x 2 x 2.2 inches (not quite a cube, really, but let's not quibble), which is apparently enough volume for 64 MB of SDRAM and a CPU that can go as fast as 300 MHz. As for what else is on board, we'll wait for our Japanese analysts' final report, but the Cube (Model SEMC5701B) has a remarkable number of connectors, including ports for a monitor, serial connection, USB, microphone, Ethernet, flash memory, and something called "Space Wire." Further examination of the company's Web site, however, reveals the Space Cube may not be the smallest PC on planet Earth, with its little brother, the SEMC5071A, measuring a mere 2 x 2 x 1.8 inches. From the looks of it, you get a slightly smaller "cube" that gives up the mysterious Space Wire for a more brightly colored shell. A worthy sacrifice, I should think.
Wall socket PC
The Jack PC
U.K. firm Jade Integration has unveiled a computer so small, it fits into a wall socket and is powered via Ethernet. The Jack PC, a rival to the smallest PC in the world, can hook up to a standard monitor, keyboard, and mouse, and runs Windows CE, the stripped-down version of Windows often used in portable devices.
It comes with up to 64 MB of flash memory and 128 megs of RAM, so don't expect to play Half-Life 2 on it, but it should be able to handle basic Internet functions decently. There's no word on pricing yet, but the device gets its official release on June 15th at the IT Works Show in Newcastle.
Internet on the verge of overtaking TV
The Internet is on the verge of overtaking TV as “Most Essential” medium in American life having already surpassed radio and newspapers, a new survey has found.
Consumers age 12 and older were asked to choose the “most essential” medium in their life and 33 percent chose the Internet, just behind television (36 percent), but above radio (17 percent) and newspapers (10 percent), according to a new Internet and Multimedia 2007 report by Edison Media Research.
In 2002, with just 20 percent, the Internet, trailed the TV, which was selected by 39 percent as the most essential medium, and also trailed radio’s 26 percent.
Dead bunny
After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead.
Chris panicked!
"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.
So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.
Chris knew his neighbors kept their back door open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.
A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.
"Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.
"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.
The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage!"
Things to learn and remember
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft . house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few a times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.
15. VCR's do not eject sandwiches.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. Raw eggs and semi digested cheese stick to walls and ceilings very well.
25. 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
British camouflage
In fact, they're so well camouflaged you just have to take my word that there are two - TWO! - British soldiers in this picture.
This is your cornfield on coccaine
A driver who was high on cocaine destroyed an entire cornfield in an attempt to escape from the police.
Four police cars were destroyed before the 35-year-old crashed into a ditch and was arrested, near the village of Dussen in the south of the Netherlands.
Bus driver killed by bus while going home after last day of work
A widow has paid tribute to her husband who was killed in a collision with a bus. Bus driver Henry Walker, 64, died after being struck by a bus on his way home from his last day at work before he retired.
The accident happened on the A20 Sidcup section at the Fiveways Junction, in Eltham.
Mr Walker's white Ford Escort van and a bus were travelling in the opposite direction along Green Lane, when they collided.
Widow Marion Walker, who was married to Mr Walker for 45 years, said: "It's ironic, 30 years as a bus driver and it was a bus that took him out. "It was his last day at work before he retired."
Update: Headline changed (It said he was walking…but he was driving)
Hoof shoes used by illegal immigrants
Worn by an illegal immigrant caught by the US Border Patrol, these shoes were outfitted with rubber cutouts in the shape of cows' hoofs, and are seen on display 27 June 2007 in Deming, New Mexico.
The US Border Patrol station up the road in Deming, New Mexico is responsible for protecting estimated 47 miles of border and 14,000 square miles of rugged desert and mountain terrain in an area active with smugglers moving people and sometimes drugs.
How cynical are you?
I took the test. Some answers I agreed with partially, but you don’t have the option of specifying that. It’s all or nothing.
Here are my results:
Beware of Prince Charles
Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope died.
Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.!
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
IN THE FUTURE, IF PRINCE CHARLES DECIDES TO MARRY, SOMEBODY PLEASE WARN THE POPE.
Update: Not completely true.
Sandwich order
Here’s an order for a deli sandwich:
2 slices of salami
1 slice of hot pepper cheese
on wheat bread
with lettuce
tomato
mustard
mayonnaise
MAN AIDS?
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