I’m off to Florida for a few days. Should be back to posting by Wednesday.
Ya’ll be careful out there.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
A prayer of a chance
Joe is in dire financial trouble. His business has gone under, his debts are piling up. He is so desperate he decides to pray for help.
"God, please help me. I lost my business and if I don't get some money soon, I am going to lose my car as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes -- and somebody else wins.
"God, please let me win the lottery! I lost my business, my car and now I am going to lose my house as well."
Lottery night comes. No luck.
"My God, I lost my business, my car, and my house. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."
A sudden flash of blinding light. The heavens open, and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
How is this made?
I need to be drinking to look at stuff like this. This is a photo…not a drawing. I can kind of understand how they do this with a drawing…but a real object?
How Latex Gloves Are Made
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. Thanks Phyllis
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!
Friday, January 12, 2007
Ice Storm Predicted
This picture was taken about one month ago during the early stages of our first ice storm. They are predicting another, possibly worse, ice storm this weekend. They’re saying that we could get anywhere from 1/4 inch to 1 and 1/2 inches of ice by Sunday night. If it hits as bad as they say it might, they’re expecting large scale power outages.
We’re supposed to get on a plane tomorrow midday for a 3 day trip to Florida. That doesn’t appear too likely at this point.
I’ll post tomorrow morning (Saturday) before I leave… if I leave… if I have power.
So if you don’t see me for a while it’s because I’ve lost power…. or else I’m having a grand old time in sunny… warm… Florida. One extreme or the other.
UPDATE: Survived the first wave of ice without losing power. There are more than 100,000 people who aren’t as fortunate this morning. More ice is expected later today and tomorrow. But hopefully I’ll be in sunny… warm… Florida. That’s assuming my plane can get off the ground.
NFL Super Ad Winner
This is the winner of the NFL's "Pitch U This is the winner of the NFL's "Pitch Us Your Idea for the Best NFL Super Bowl Commercial Ever. Seriously." contest. He is Gino Bona from Portsmouth, NH. Congratulations!
Watch for the NFL's commercial that will air on the Super Bowl XLI broadcast on February 4th.
Mom and Dad, I want you to meet my fiance
To each his own, I say in general, but you have to draw a line somewhere. And, what’s this grommet thing is his nose? Doesn’t that present a problem when you have to blow your nose?
Lobster tail and beer
A Texas cowboy is driving down the road and he sees a sign in front of a restaurant that reads:
Happy Hour Special
Lobster Tail & Beer
Lord almighty", he says to himself, "my three favorite things".
Thanks Joe P
James Brown still above ground
Family fighting over where to bury the Godfather of Soul almost 3 weeks after he died
The body of soul singer James Brown has yet to be buried as attorneys and his children work to settle issues surrounding his estate, including where he will be laid to rest.
For now, his body lies in a sealed casket in his home on Beech Island, said Charles Reid, manager of the C.A. Reid Funeral Home in Augusta, Ga., which handled the services.
Brown died of heart failure Dec. 25 at age 73. His will has yet to be filed, said Buddy Dallas, an attorney for the singer.
The room where Brown's body lies is being kept at a controlled temperature, and security guards keep watch, Reid said.
The funeral home delivered Brown's body after services Dec. 30, Reid said.
More here
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Paris runs out of gas
From HarrisOnline.com
A few nights ago, Hilton ran out of gas in Beverly Hills and, having no idea what to do to help herself, ending up getting assistance from the paparazzi who were following her. It's an odd case of guys who make their living off of a publicity whore and her weird working relationship with them. At no point does she get angry with them, since she knows she needs them as much as they need her. While one of the photographers goes out of his way to get her gas (because it will take too long for an assistant to bring gas from Santa Monica to Beverly Hills -- probably the same assistant who forgot to fill the gas tank), Hilton sits there in her Bentley Roadster doing her makeup, talking on the phone, and looking through her scrap book. Meanwhile, the gang of other paparazzi keep snapping photos of her.
Two things to watch for: One, when the guy comes back with the gas, Hilton doesn't even get out of the car to help, and has no idea where to put it in (make your own joke). Two, watch what she does when the guy gives her the change from the $20 she gave him for the gas -- it's disposable currency.
Perfect children
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice.. pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
Top 45 Oxymorons
45... Act naturally
44... Found missing
43... Resident alien
42... Advanced BASIC
41... Genuine imitation
40... Airline Food
39... Good grief
38... Same difference
37... Almost exactly
36... Government organization
35... Sanitary landfill
34... Alone together
33... Legally drunk
32... Silent scream
31... Living dead
30... Small crowd
29... Business ethics
28... Soft rock
27... Butt Head
26... Military Intelligence
25... Software documentation
24... New classic
23... Sweet sorrow
22... Childproof
21... "Now, then ..."
20... Synthetic natural gas
19... Passive aggression
18... Taped live
17... Clearly misunderstood
16... Peace force
15... Extinct Life
14... Temporary tax increase
13... Computer jock
12... Plastic glasses
11... Terribly pleased
10... Computer security
9.... Political science
8.... Tight slacks
7.... Definite maybe
6.... Pretty ugly
5.... Twelve-ounce pound cake
4.... Diet ice cream
3.... Working vacation
2.... Exact estimate
1.... Microsoft Works
Sick
A man had a miserable cold and went to see his doctor. After the usual protestations about the common cold, the doctor ended up prescribing some pills. Predictably, they did not work, so on the next visit the doctor tried a shot. Again, no luck. Finally, on the third visit, the doctor told his patient to go home, take a hot bath, open the window, and stand there soaking wet.
"But Doc," protested the man, wondering now about the cure being worse than the disease, "I will get pneumonia!"
"Pneumonia," replied the doctor, "I can cure."
Two stories that sound familiar...... One in Australia and one in New York
Birds are falling from the sky left and right. All in the last few days. Something is going on here…and it’s a little scary.
THOUSANDS of birds have fallen from the skies over Esperance and no one knows why.
Is it an illness, toxins or a natural phenomenon? A string of autopsies in Perth have shed no light on the mystery.All the residents of flood-devastated Esperance know is that their "dawn chorus" of singing birds is missing.
The main casualties are wattle birds, yellow-throated miners, new holland honeyeaters and singing honeyeaters, although some dead crows, hawks and pigeons have also been found.
Wildlife officers are baffled by the "catastrophic" event, which the Department of Environment and Conservation said began well before last week's freak storm.
On Monday, Esperance, 725km southeast of Perth, was declared a natural disaster zone.
AUSTIN, Texas (AP) -- Police shut down 10 blocks of businesses in the heart of downtown early Monday after dozens of birds were found dead in the streets, but officials said preliminary tests showed no dangerous chemicals in the air.
As many as 60 dead pigeons, sparrows and grackles were found overnight along Congress Avenue, a main route through downtown. No human injuries or illnesses were reported.
I want to live my next life backwards
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
Thanks Phyllis
Redneck pick-up lines
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ...
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you in I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't fi nd my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
Thanks Phyllis
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Deaf much?
A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.” The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?”
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
She screams, “For the fourth time, I said chicken, you deaf bastard!”
A bad day
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grab his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the truck driver says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with our gardener."
"So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink my damn poison!"
Children - The fun starts here
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite very effort to teach them good manners.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.
"There is only one pretty child in the world... and every mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.
Children will soon forget your presents. They will always remember your presence.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.
"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Dad?"
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mum.
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.
Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.
The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.
Damn, we're good!
According to Sitescore, a free tool which rates how well designed, popular and accessible your website is, Bits & Pieces received this accolade:
Your website is ranked 116,423 in the world. This is good and shows you have a website which is widely visited. It named off some other stuff that said I was bad (and that I really didn’t understand) ….but lets focus on the positive.
Tne new word of the year - PLUTOED
"Plutoed" was chosen 2006's Word of the Year by the American Dialect Society at its annual meeting Friday. To "pluto" is "to demote or devalue someone or something," much like what happened to the former planet last year when the General Assembly of the International Astronomical Union decided Pluto didn't meet its definition of a planet. "Our members believe the great emotional reaction of the public to the demotion of Pluto shows the importance of Pluto as a name," said society president Cleveland Evans. "We may no longer believe in the Roman god Pluto, but we still have a sense of personal connection with the former planet."
Pluto is finally getting some respect — not from astronomers, but from wordsmiths.
The Rabbi's advice
No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!"
Thought for the day
President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him the authority to read anyone's letters without a warrant. If you're upset about the law, you can let Bush know by writing to your sister.
Gimme a kiss
The king of the jungle showed his romantic side when he reached through the bars of his cage in Cali, Colombia, and clasped Ana Julia Torres in his giant paws to give her a kiss.
Ms Torres earned the affection of Jupiter, a 110kg (242lb) African lion, by nursing him back to health after rescuing him from a circus. He is one of about 800 maltreated residents at her Villa Lorena animal shelter in a poor suburb of the city.
Jupiter is relatively lucky compared with a mountain lion that had been kept illegally as a pet. Its two front legs were hacked off after it clawed at a family member’s face.
Ms Torres funds the shelter with her salary, bolstered by donations. But she is adamant that it will not open to the public. “We want the animals to live in peace. This is a paradise where they can finally rest.”
Kid pulls a prank on the trash man… and it backfires.
Apple introduces iPhone
Introduced today at MacWorld in San Francisco. It combines a cell phone and an iPod. Looks pretty cool.
Monday, January 08, 2007
The moon
Scientists have shown that moon is moving away at a tiny although measurable distance from the Earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 65 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the Earth’s surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs – the tall ones, anyway.
A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.......
"Grandpa....Go home, you're drunk."
Beer contains female hormones
Last month, University of Botswana scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Immigration
Roy Beck's celebrated demonstration of the population consequences of current U.S. immigration policies has entertained and shocked ... all » audiences across the country. This video is packed with the facts and analysis that make moral and practical sense of a complex and highly contentious issue.
This is as scary as hell. It’s 14 minutes long but very interesting. A real eye-opener to say the least.
Thanks Paul
One last request
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
Lawyers and blondes
A lawyer is seated next to a blonde on an airplane.
He figures he'll have some fun, so he suggests they play a game. He'll ask the blonde a question, and if she doesn't know the answer he'll give her $5. Then the blonde will ask him a question, and if he doesn't know the answer then he will give her $500.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What is the distance to the moon and back in kilometers?" After thinking about this the blonde says "I dunno. Here is your $5."
"Now it is your turn" says the lawyer. "OK," says the blonde, "What goes uphill on four legs and downhill on three legs?"
After racking his brains for several minutes the lawyer gives up, "Here's your $500, but would you mind telling me the answer?"
" I dunno", says the blonde, "here's your $5."
Almost
Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes, "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can you do?"
"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"
"Almost every night!!?????"
"Yup! Almost Monday, Almost Tuesday, Almost Wednesday,............"
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