Saturday, July 01, 2006
Skydiving accident
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens...
He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!!
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
Knock Knock
-Knock knock
-Who's there?
-Fornication
-Fornication who?
-Fornication like this, you really should wear a tuxedo.
English lunacy
1. Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
2. How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?
3. If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?
5. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? And how did he know how to spell them?
6. If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
7. If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?
8. In Chinese, the words for crisis and opportunity are the same!
9. Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
10. Is there another word for a synonym?
11. Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
12. What is another word for "thesaurus"?
13. Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
14. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
15. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
16. Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
17. Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
18. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
19. Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
20. Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?
21. Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
22. Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
23. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
24. Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
25. Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
26. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
27. Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?
28. Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
29. Why is the alphabet in that order?
30. Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
31. Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
32. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Lightning photography tips
A cool trick
A good trick to try on your friends.
Explain that just as a glass prism splits up the different colors of white light, when different colored light passes through glass, it is also affected to an extent that depends on its color.
Write the words CARBON DIOXIDE on a piece of paper, CARBON in red and DIOXIDE in blue.
Put the paper close behind the stem of a wine glass and look at the words through the stem. The red letters turn upside down, but the blue ones don't.
So is the glass affecting the red light more than the blue?
New ride at the amusement park
It’s no wonder people are dying at amusement parks at alarming rates.
Thanks Donnie Mac
Short & sweet
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
The doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor answers "That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Thanks Ronnie & Sue
Friday, June 30, 2006
A favor
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father! …. Next! "
Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen
A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole.
He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen ..."
Operation removes lightbulb from anus
MULTAN, Pakistan (Reuters) - Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass lightbulb in his anus.
Wednesday night, doctors brought Mohammad's misery to an end after a one-and-a-half hour operation to remove the object.
"Thanks Allah, now I feel comfort. Today, I had my breakfast. I was just drinking water, nothing else," Mohammad, a grey-beared man in his mid-40s, told Reuters from a hospital bed in the southern central city of Multan.
"We had to take it out intact," said Dr. Farrukh Aftab at Nishtar Hospital. "Had it been broken inside, it would be a very very complicated situation."
Mohammad, who is serving a four-year sentence for making liquor, prohibited for Muslims, said he was shocked when he was first told the cause of his discomfort. He swears he didn't know the bulb was there.
"When I woke up I felt a pain in my lower abdomen, but later in hospital, they told me this," Mohammad said.
"I don't know who did this to me. Police or other prisoners."
The doctor treating Mohammad said he'd never encountered anything like it before, and doubted the felon's story that someone had drugged him and inserted the bulb while he was comatose.
Looks like a case of Shit and Run
From the Belmont citizen Herald Police Log
Tuesday, June 20
4:41 p.m. A Gilbert Road resident reported that someone broke into her home and defecated in the toilet while she was away. The woman did not report missing items or signs of forced entry. She said the same incident occurred a year ago when her home was undergoing renovation.
Autoantonyms - Words that are their own antonyms
Antonyms are two words that have opposite meanings. Autoantonyms are words that are the opposites of themselves.
For example:
bill noun
invoice (e.g. in a restaurant)
money; banknotebound adj./verb •
restrained (e.g. by rope)
to spring; leapclip verb •
to fasten together; hold tightly
to cut apart; cut off (e.g. with shears)handicap noun/verb •
advantage (e.g. in sport)
disadvantage; disabilitywind up verb •
to start; prepare
to end; conclude
You can't make this stuff up
Ronald MacDonald Charged in Wendy's Theft
Ronald MacDonald Charged With Stealing Money From Safe at N.H. Wendy's
Top 10 coolest athlete nicknames
Ever since the dawn of professional sports, players have had nicknames. Baseball's first great pitcher, Denton True Young, quickly earned the nickname "Cyclone," which soon became Cy, and baseball's top pitching award now bears his name.
Fans have always nicknamed their favorite players as a way to acknowledge them and the important place they hold in the pantheon of sports legends, as only standout players get new monikers. Those who sit on the bench by and large do not. So it is with that in mind that we salute athletes with the coolest, most unusual or most unique nicknames in professional sports.
According to Fox Sports, here are the top 10 coolests athlets nicknames:
10. Willie Mays, "The Say Hey Kid"
9. Red Grange, "The Galloping Ghost"
8. Frank "The Big Hurt" Thomas
7. Joe DiMaggio, "The Yankee Clipper"
6. "Pistol" Pete Maravich
5. Karl Malone, "The Mailman"
4. Ted Williams, "The Splendid Splinter"
3. "Broadway" Joe Namath
2. Bernie "Boom Boom" Geoffrion
1. "Shoeless" Joe Jackson
For details on thes athletes and their nicknames, click here.
For details on thes athletes and their nicknames, click here.
For details on thes athletes and their nicknames, click here.
For details on thes athletes and their nicknames, click here.
For details on thes athletes and their nicknames, click here.
THE 27 WORST FAMILY FEUD ANSWERS EVER
As a result, I've polled 100 people to find the best "worst" answers ever given on Family Feud. The top 27 answers are on the board.
I've also been fascinated by how one of those five people will crack under the pressure and cost everyone else on their team a chance to walk away with $32.87.
Here are just a few:
Question: Name a musician who goes by one name.
#1 Answer: Madonna
Worst Answer: Reba McIntyre
Louie Anderson's Response: Show me the strike.Question: Name something a woman would find in her boyfriend's apartment that would make her think he was cheating.
#1 Answer: Bra
Worst Answer: Used condomQuestion: Name a complaint you might have about the pizza that was just delivered.
#1 Answer: It's cold
Worst Answers: It went to the wrong address
Louie Anderson's Response: And you just happened to be there.Question: Name the best month to schedule a wedding.
#1 Answer: June
Worst Answer: Summer
Thursday, June 29, 2006
What is courage?
The only question on the philosophy final was:
What is courage?
The student wrote: "This", signed the exam booklet, and turned it in.
Cute.Things My Mother Taught Me
My mother taught me LOGIC.
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me."
My mother taught me MEDICINE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD.
“If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on. Don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE.
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you. Don't talk back to me!"
My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat all of your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me about GENETICS.
"You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE.
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when we get home."
And my all time favorite thing, JUSTICE.
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."
Try counting sheepGolfing with the wife
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."
Triple feature at the movies
I can remember when you saw two movies at the same time, but not three. Let’s pretend we can see three movies on the marquee.
Dazed and Confused/About Last Night/Dude, Where's My Car?
Roots/To Die For/Legally Blonde
Gridlock'd/Something's Gotta Give/The Human Stain
My Dinner With Andre/Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?/There's a Girl in My Soup
Marathon Man/My Left Foot/The Color Purple
The Sure Thing/In the Bedroom/Gone in 60 Seconds
The American President/Devil in a Blue Dress/Say Anything
The American President/Clear and Present Danger/Liar, Liar
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?/The Persecution and Assassination of Jean-Paul Marat as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton Under the Direction of the Marquis de Sade/Breathless
The Rock/The Paper Chase/Edward Scissorhands
Blow/The Producers/A Star Is Born
A Night at the Opera/Rear Window/The Great Escape
What Women Want/Big/Pecker
Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice/Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore/What About Bob?
Nuts/M*A*S*H/The Howling
She's Having a Baby/Stand and Deliver/Scream
An Affair to Remember/She's Having a Baby/The Sum of All Fears
An Affair to Remember/Silence of the Lambs/It's a Wonderful Life
Benji/Heavy Traffic/All Dogs Go to Heaven
Big/Shaft/A Man Called Horse
Coyote Ugly/Whiskey Down/Beautiful Girls
Dick/Cold Mountain/8mm
Dracula/Son of Dracula/Cape Fear
Finding Nemo/On Golden Pond/My Dinner With Andre
Love Story/Elf/Bad Santa
Mary Poppins/There's Something About Mary/Crying Game
Monster/In the Bedroom/Sleepless in Seattle
Once Upon a Time in Mexico/Freddy Got Fingered/In the Bedroom
She's Gotta Have It/Girl, Interrupted/Meet the Parents
The American President/Mission to Mars/Lost in Space
The Intern/Deep Throat/The American President
Around the World in 80 Days/Jagged Edge/Blow-Up
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes/The Milagro Beanfield War/Funny Farm
Bambi/The Deer Hunter/Unforgiven
Blue Thunder/Red Dawn/Purple Rain
Bullitt/Boyz in the Hood/Taps
Cocoon/Something's Gotta Give/The Butterfly Effect
Conan the Barbarian/Kalifornia/Head of State
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask)/A Few Good Men/Private Lessons
Groundhog Day/The Shadow/Snow Day
Just Married/Sister Act/Le Divorce
Mystic River/Waterworld/The Wiz
Phone Booth/Quick Change/Superman
Psycho/Analyze This/Fear
Rush Hour/Traffic/L.A. Story
Sleepless in Seattle/The Hand That Rocks the Cradle/Nightmare on Elm Street
Taxi Driver/Lost in America/The Accidental Tourist
The Firm/Big/Shaft
The Morning After/The Elephant Man/Ran
Thief/Gone in 60 Seconds/Dude, Where's My Car?
Vanilla Sky/Chocolat/Goodbye, Mr. Chips
Y Tu Mama Tambien/Koyaanisqatsi/Lost in Translation
Things I've learned from my boys
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas.
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
Thanks Phyllis
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
An amazing feat of piloting
A captain and co-pilot are beginning their approach for a landing at an airport neither of them has ever been to before. Everything is routine until they dip below the clouds and the pilot takes a look out of the window. In that level, measured voice that commercial aviators around the world seem to acquire along with their wings, the captain says quietly, "This little strip they gave us, maybe it isn't long enough."
"Can we make it?"
"We have to. We are almost out of fuel."
So the captain gets on the intercom and notifies the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he sets the flaps to full down, drops altitude, cuts the engine down to almost nothing. Just above stall speed the big jumbo jet comes screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. Twenty feet from the tarmac he lowers the landing wheels. Rubber touches road almost at once, and instantly he applies full brakes and kills the engine, fighting to keep the ailerons and tail steady as the jet wobbles and jumps. His hands are sweating. The co-pilot is quietly praying.
The jet comes screeching to a halt just as the front wheel falls off the edge of the runway. The tires are smoking. The entire jet slowly ticks as the engines slowly wind down. The co-pilot begins checking the control panel. The captain expels a sigh of relief as the adrenaline slowly leaves his body: "Was that ever a short runway!"
"Yes," agrees the co-pilot, "and wide, too."
Terrorists
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. . . 
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No baseball
No football
No hockey
No golf
No tailgate parties
No Wal-Mart
No Home Depot
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No gumbo
No jambalaya
No Beer
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here? Duh!!!!!
Worms write "Hi" on tomato
CONWAY, Ark. -- The worms in Phyllis Smith's garden are trying to tell her something.
Smith said she couldn't believe her eyes when she saw the message. She said she has sworn to do whatever it takes to get rid of the message's author.
What is the most important thing your dad ever taught you?
Asked at ask.Metfilter. Here are some of the responses:
- Three sheets, wipe, fold, and wipe again.
- If anyone ever refers to you as a "bad drunk" stop drinking immediately and never have another.
- Follow your dreams. (I saw what happened to him as a result of not following his).
- If you make a mistake, don't dwell on it - there's nothing that can be done to undo it, so learn from it and (hopefully) what you've learned will keep it from happening again.
- When I went off to college he advised me, "Don't knock anybody up." That's good advice too.
- Asking for help doesn't show weakness; it shows trust.
- Laugh at yourself. We are all ridiculous.
- My parents taught me by bad example that reading up on a major purchase is smarter than just listening to the salesman's advice.
- If you're going to do something stupid, don't get caught. But try not to do anything stupid.
- Treat everyone with respect until they demonstrate they don't deserve respect.
- If you can't turn around and effectively argue the other side's position, either you don't understand the argument or it's not worth arguing about.
- Be curious, and always keep learning.
- There's never a reason to lose your temper.
- Lefty loosey, righty tighty.
- What I had, I gave. What I kept is lost forever. Give 100%.
- You don't have to follow any religion. But you have to respect every single one.
50 most embarrassing ways to die
Here are just a few:
- Getting crushed by poorly-mounted plasma TV over your bed
- Getting your picture taken with a tiger
- Re-enacting a stunt from “Jackass”
- Drowning in a teaspoon of water
- Bleeding out following an adult circumcision
Drowning during your Born-Again baptism - Chaffing yourself to death with one-ply toilet paper
Whichever way Carrot Top dies - Failing to seek medical attention after four-hour erection
The complete list (but these were the funnier ones)
Do you have what it takes to become a citizen of the United States?
When immigrants want to become Americans, they must take a civics test as part of their naturalization interview before a Citizenship and Immigration Services officer. The questions are usually selected from a list of 100 sample questions that prospective citizens can look at ahead of the interview (though the examiner is not limited to those questions). Some are easy, some are not. We have picked some of the more difficult ones.
Should you be welcomed immediately to the Land of the Free or sent home for some more homework? Find out!
Take the Citizenship Test
My Score:
You answered 90% of questions correctly. Here's your rating:
85-100%: Welcome to the United States! (And, truth be told, you know more about this great land than most Americans.) YIPEE!I got 2 of the 20 questions wrong.
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
M
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
H
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder..
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################
C
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
********************************************************************************
(Available only in Tennessee,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
Thanks Phyllis
Eight words with two meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Thanks Gary J
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Confession
A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."
600 lb. woman survives getting thrown through sunroof
Town N Country, Florida – A woman is in stable condition after being ejected through the sunroof of her SUV during an accident.
Thirty-seven-year-old Ruth Matthews told paramedics that another vehicle cut her off in traffic, and she took evasive action to avoid a crash. Her Isuzu Amigo rolled over and she was thrown through the sunroof and onto the roadway. Investigators say she was not wearing her seatbelt.
Paramedics initially tried to fly Matthews to Tampa General Hospital, but her weight, estimated at 600 pounds, made it impossible. Emergency crews were able to transport her to St. Joseph’s Hospital, where she is listed in stable condition.
Looking cool... for a moment
Funny video of a kid showing off lifting weights.
(I may have linked to this a while back, but it deserves a second look.)
Good mileage.... for a hot dog - Your mileage may vary
This is the story of an anniversary. No, not a wedding anniversary or some company's anniversary. This is likely the strangest and most bizarre anniversary you have ever heard of. This is the hot dog anniversary for Richard Carroll of Milliken.
Five years ago, on July 4, Carroll was grilling some hot dogs for a family gathering, and he dropped one of them on the ground. Josh Severin, a family member, quickly picked it up, and instead of merely brushing the hot dog off and putting it back on the grill as most men would do (remember the 5-second rule), he stuck it, lengthwise, on the radio antenna on Carroll's pickup truck.
That hot dog, after five years, after 80,000 miles, after rain and storm and sleet and hail, is still on that antenna. And it's not a pleasant sight.
It's shrunken, this wonder hot dog, and it has turned black and kind of fuzzy and hard.
Do you get hot surfing the web?
Then you need a USB Air Conditioned Shirt
When it comes to USB powered gadgets, this doesn’t just take the cake, it takes the entire bakery and then burns it down for the insurance money. The USB shirt has two fans on the left and right sides of the back, taking in air to cleanse all the sweat off your spare tire. There’s an external switch on the USB cable to adjust the fan speed, in case your sweat doesn’t quite go up to eleven.
The shirt is also powered by four AA batteries in case you don’t have a USB slot anywhere nearby. It even plugs into the cigarette lighter in your car—because it’s such a great idea hooking up your body to your car’s electrical system.
Why only Southerners win American Idol
Ever wonder why all of the “American Idol” winners have thus far hailed from Southern states? According to information released today by The NPD Group, a leading consumer and retail information company, the results of text-message voting on the popular Fox Network talent show, “American Idol,” might actually affect the final voting outcome. After all, Cingular Wireless has a dominant share of its subscriber base in the South and significantly more of those subscribers use text messaging, than do Cingular subscribers in other regions of the U.S.
Based on recent data from NPD’s Mobile Consumer Track service, nearly half of Cingular's subscribers are located in the South, and more than 18 million (42 percent) Cingular subscribers in the U.S. actively use text messaging. In fact more than twice as many Cingular subscribers (nearly nine million) in the South do so, as in any other region. By comparison just over four million use text messaging in the West, three million in Central states and three million in the Northeast. According to NPD Wireless Industry Research Director Drew Hull, this regional skew might have been large enough to affect the voting outcome.
“Cingular has partnered with the show’s producers to provide text-message voting solely from Cingular phones, so it’s certainly possible that Southern subscribers might have more of a voting edge, than those in other regions in the U.S.,” Hull said. “Had ‘American Idol’ partnered with another carrier with a higher percentage of their subscriber base in another region, the results might have been different.”
Interesting. Read more
Why dogs attack
These are good examples why some dogs will turn vicious against their masters.
Thanks Mickie
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