Saturday, October 21, 2006
Snorting vodka on the rise
Some drinkers are snorting vodka through the nose to get drunk more quickly in a fad that alcohol health workers say could be dangerous.
The Alcohol Problems Advisory Service in Derby said people were snorting the spirit through a straw or from a thin glass tube.
Bar owners have said that the trend is on the rise amongst some drinkers in the city, particularly students.
Bar staff said some people were "in tears" after trying the trend, while others reacted so quickly they were seen falling to the floor as a result of snorting the alcohol.
The Coyote Wild club in the city has already banned people from snorting vodka on its premises and owners said anyone caught doing so would be barred.
Pink flmingo becoming extinct
It seems that the plastic pink flamingo is going the way of dodo. The plastic bird, a kitsch icon that has populated the front lawns of American homes since the 1950s, is about to become extinct.
Union Products of Leominster, Massachusetts, which has made the birds since 1957, is going out of business.
"The plant's pink flamingo will be an endangered species," Dennis Plante, the company's president, said.
The moulded plastic sculpture mounted on wire legs has been reviled and revered in equal measure. The bird lent its name to director John Waters's 1972 film examining bad taste. But that only helped to make the hapless bird more desirable.
Link
You Aren't A Kid Any More When.....
- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- Your are proud of your lawn mower.
- Your best friend is dating someone half his age..... and isn't breaking any laws.
- You call Olan Mills before they call you.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
- You make an appointment to see the dentist.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- Neighbors borrow your tools .
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
- You have a dream about prunes.
- You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
- You send money to PBS.
- You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of deposit.
- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
- You take a metal detector to the beach.
- You wear black socks with sandles.
- You know what the word "equity" means.
- You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
- Your ears are hairer than your head.
- You talk about "good grass," and you're referring to someone's lawn.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You can go bowling without drinking .
- You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it.
World's largest Jack-O-Lantern
ConocoPhillips continues a 54-year tradition by transforming a pumpkin-shaped 3 million gallon storage tank at its Wilmington, California-based Los Angeles refinery into Smilin' Jack, the world's largest Jack-o-lantern. The refinery pumpkin patch expects at least 30,000 visitors who want a close-up look at Smilin' Jack.
Preparing Smilin' Jack for his annual appearance requires more than 100 gallons of orange, black and white paint. According to refinery engineers, if the giant jack-o-lantern were filled with pumpkin meat, there would be enough to make 26,800,000 pumpkin pies!
What do the Cardinals and Cubs have in common?
They're both trying to win their first World Series in their new stadium.
Thanks Ronnie
Friday, October 20, 2006
Some fun facts from the US Census
Some fun facts from the US Census
Price of a new home
2006: $290,600
1967: $24,600 ($149,147 in 2006 dollars)
1915: $3,200 ($64,158 in 2006 dollars)
Cost for a gallon of regular gas
2006: $3.04 (as of Aug. 7)
1967: 33 cents ($2.00 in 2006 dollars)
1915: 25 cents ($5.01 in 2006 dollars)
Price of milk
2006: $3.00 gallon
1967: $1.03 gallon ($6.24 in 2006 dollars)
1915: $ .36 gallon ($7.22 in 2006 dollars)
Cost of a first-class stamp
2006: 39 cents
1967: 5 cents
1915: 2 cents
World Population
2006: 6.5 billion
1967: 3.5 billion
1915: 1.8 billion
Living Longer
Life expectancy at birth.
2006: 77.8 years
1967: 70.5 years
1915: 54.5 years
Politics as usual
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Spanish king denies shooting drunk bear
There is a story going around that the king of Spain went “hunting” for a drunken tame bear that was made available for him to shoot.
MADRID, Spain - The king says it didn't happen. And the bear isn't around to talk about it anymore.
A spokeswoman for Spanish King Juan Carlos said Thursday that Russian reports the 68-year-old monarch brought down a tamed and inebriated bear during a visit in August were "ridiculous."
Cardinals Beat Mets - National League Champs
Mets left fielder Endy Chavez robs Scott Rolen of a two-run homer in the sixth inning. It was a spectacular catch.
But Cardinal catcher Yadier Molina was able to belt a two run homer in the top of the ninth inning to put the Cards on top 3–1.
Closer Adam Wainwright pitched an Izzy-like bottom of the ninth, but got the save.
Now it’s off to Detroit to face the Tigers in the World Series.
GO CARDS!
Gender test
This is uncanny!
Are You More Male or Female ????????
To find the Answer, look down.
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Not here, Stupid. Just look DOWN !!!
Thanks Gary J
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Taking a curve a little too fast
Watch out!
Watch the motorcyclist coming the other way. Scary stuff.
A letter from a farm kid at Marine Corps Recruit Training
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
Thanks Joe P
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
In case you were wondering
Celebrity bra sizes
Alicia Silverstone 33-B
Alyssa Milano 34-B
Anna Kournikova 32-B
Anna Nicole Smith 42-DD
Demi Moore 34-C
Denise Drysdale 38-DDD
Dolly Parton 40-DD
Elizabeth Hurley 36-C
Joan Rivers 34-B
Julia Roberts 34-B
Kate Moss 32-A
Kate Winslet 34-C
Madonna 34-C
Sarah Michelle Gellar 36-C
Britney Spears 34-C
Carmen Electra 36-D
Cher 32-B
Gwyneth Paltrow 33-B
Halle Berry 36-C
Heather Locklear 34-B
Kathie Lee Gifford 35-B
Katie Holmes 34-C
Michelle Pfeiffer 33-B
Tara Lipinski 32-A
Janet Jackson 35-C
Ivana Trump 33-B
Jennifer Love Hewitt 36-C
Jenny McCarthy 38-D
Pamela Anderson 36-DD
Nicole Kidman 34-B
Jennifer Aniston 34-B
Heely skate shoes
I saw a kid with a pair of these on just gliding across the sidewalk. I had to look twice before I figured it out.
Heelys are trainers with built-in wheels that allow wearers to glide across the ground as if floating on a cushion of air.
They have one wheel in the heel, or two for beginners, which are engaged by lifting the toes to tilt the heel back.
The correct technique for "heeling" is to keep one foot directly behind the other during the slide, which can reach 10mph.
To disengage the wheels, users drag the heel down or run forward.
UK importer Heelys Dealers has struggled to keep up with the demand for the shoes, which is expected to top 250,000 this year.
Chuck Berry turns 80 today
St. Louis’ own Chuck Berry, who some call the father of rock and roll, turns 80 today. Berry still performs around the country and at Blueberry Hill in St. Louis regularly. He was known for the duck-walk and classics such as Johnny B. Goode, Sweet Little Sixteen, Roll Over Beethoven and Ding-A-Ling.
Happy birthday Chuck!
Keep on rockin!
I still hope to be breathing at 80.
Sex ed
A little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.
He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thinks -- what the hell -- and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.
Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
Arrested
The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over, picked out a pumpkin, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?"
Patrol officer Brenda Taylor pulled over and approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
"I just went up and said"... "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?'"
Heaven's view of Graceland
Elvis is buried in the little blue circle just below the swimming pool. You can see his jet, the Lisa Marie, across Elvis Presley Blvd.
What are the odds?
Here are just a few in case you were wondering:
- Chance of dying from parts falling off an airplane: 1 in 10,000,000
- Chance of dying from heart disease: 1 in 3
- Chance of contracting the human version of mad cow disease: 1 in 40,000,000
- Chance of dying in an explosion: 1 in 107,787
- Odds of becoming president: 10,000,000 to 1
- Odds of winning an Academy Award: 11,500 to 1
- Odds of dating a millionaire: 215 to 1
- Odds of being the victim of serious crime in your lifetime: 20 to 1
- Odds of getting hemorrhoids: 25 to 1
3 down and 1 to go to the World Series
The atmosphere at Busch Stadium last night when the St. Louis Cardinals beat the New York Mets 4–2 was incredible to witness.
A World Series victory in St. Louis, a long time in coming, will be even more incredible. The win last night made it possible. I figured the Cardinals had to win last night to go ahead of the Mets 3–2 in order to pull it off in New York with one more victory. It’s possible, but won’t be easy. However, we do have our ace Chris Carpenter on the mound tonight.
GO CARDS! (Apologies to any Mets fans out there.)
Stranded on a desert island
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she
asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "‘Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Toilet paper
An American Indian named Longbow walks into the General Store at the reservation looking for toilet paper.
The clerk says "We have three kinds; Charmin for $1 a roll, Cottonelle for $.85 and a generic TP for $.25. Longbow asks him "What's generic?"
The clerk tells him it means it has no name, so Longbow buys the generic brand and leaves. Longbow comes back to the General Store a week later and says to the clerk "I have named the toilet paper John Wayne."
The clerk asks 'Why John Wayne?" Longbow answers "Because it's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take any crap off of Indians."
Worst Family Fued answers ever
Here are a few samples:
Question: Besides San Francisco, name a city that begins with the word San.
#1 Answer: San Diego
Worst Answer: Seattle
Question: Name a term used in football.
#1 Answer: Touchdown
Worst Answer: Fastbreak
Question: Name the worst kind of shoe to run a marathon in.
#1 Answer: High heels
Worst Answer: Scuba flippers
Louie Anderson's Response: If it's up there... I'll be suprised.
Question: Name a complaint you might have about the pizza that was just delivered.
#1 Answer: It's cold
Worst Answers: It went to the wrong address
Louie Anderson's Response: And you just happened to be there.
via
Monday, October 16, 2006
Semen acts as an antidepressant
Semen makes you happy. That's the remarkable conclusion of a study comparing women whose partners wear condoms with those whose partners don't.
The study, which is bound to provoke controversy, showed that the women who were directly exposed to semen were less depressed. The researchers think this is because mood-altering hormones in semen are absorbed through the vagina. They say they have ruled out other explanations.
"I want to make it clear that we are not advocating that people abstain from using condoms," says Gordon Gallup, the psychologist at the State University of New York who led the team. "Clearly an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease would more than offset any advantageous psychological effects of semen."
Definitions by gender
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female - Any part under a car's hood.
Male - The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female - Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male - Playing hockey without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner
Male - Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female - A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male - Trying not to pick up another woman while out with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female - A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male - Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female - An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male - A source of entertainment, self expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female - The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male - Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having sex.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female - A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male - A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
A lesson learned
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test - we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
And
the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car........
Thanks Joe P
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Hoofie the pog
Meet “Hoofie” the pog. Suspected to be part pig and part dog. He has three hoofs and one paw. He seems like a regular piglet except for his left front paw.
Hoofie was the only survivor of a litter of 5 from a momma pig. The most likely father is a dog on the Dexter Missouri farm of my friend Tom.
Hoofie is about 6 weeks old.
1849 Half dime
A friend of mine went on a treasure hunt yesterday in Sedalia Missouri and came across this find. It’s a half dime from 1849.
It has special significance to him because his dad, a good friend of mine, died last week and right before he died, he insisted that the son go on this treasure hunt. He was adamant about it and the son had so much to do, including a memorial service today for his dad, but he went anyway. This coin was minted exactly 100 years before his dad was born. He told me he got the faintest signal from his metal detector and just decided to dig there and found the coin.
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