Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender."
Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast. And a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. " So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. " For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
" Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father.
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, ‘He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
AND THE BEST FOR LAST A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
***
What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A bachelor.
***
Definition of an Irish husband:
He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
***
Courtship is a time during which the girl decides whether she can do better or not.
***
Dinny was standing in the street the other day when an English chap came up to him and said,
"I say old chap, could you show me the way to the nearest boozer?"
Says Dinny, hopefully,
You're looking at him."
***
Leprechaun sighting
***
Toasts
Here's to absent friends and here's twice to absent enemies.
Here's to the light heart and the heavy hand.
Thirst is a shameless disease so here's to a shameful cure.
Here's to a wet night and a dry morning.
May we always have a clean shirt, a clean conscience, and a bob in the pocket.
May you be across Heaven's threshold before the old boy knows you're dead.
Vultures can swallow up to 20% of their own body weight, and pythons can swallow everything from an antelope to a small child! But neither the vulture nor the python comes in at number one in this countdown. Find out who does, and how human epicures compare to the planet's most extreme eaters.
