Saturday, March 17, 2007

Happy St. Patrick's Day

StpatcloverInto a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender."

Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast. And a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."



An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. " So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. " For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

" Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim "How did it happen, Tim?"

" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father.

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, ‘He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


AND THE BEST FOR LAST A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"


What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A bachelor.


Definition of an Irish husband:
He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.


Courtship is a time during which the girl decides whether she can do better or not.


Dinny was standing in the street the other day when an English chap came up to him and said,
"I say old chap, could you show me the way to the nearest boozer?"
Says Dinny, hopefully,
You're looking at him."


Leprechaun sighting



Here's to absent friends and here's twice to absent enemies.

Here's to the light heart and the heavy hand.

Thirst is a shameless disease so here's to a shameful cure.

Here's to a wet night and a dry morning.

May we always have a clean shirt, a clean conscience, and a bob in the pocket.

May you be across Heaven's threshold before the old boy knows you're dead.


Friday, March 16, 2007

Horsing around



The flush

An oldie but a goodie….

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"



Judgement Day




Sea of nudity


(Click pic for larger)


Tags: ,

Outsourcing home security



Nominated as the best short joke of the year: A three year old was examining his testicles while he was taking a bath.

"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mother replied: "Not yet."



Parasailing gone wrong


Thanks Mary


Feeding the fish

Feed fish

Thanks Fishy Mary


Funny video of a guy with a funny face to Beethoven’s Fifth.


Who is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and bec ause her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Crock O. Schitt

Thanks Joe P



Test for dimentia

Below are four questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately .

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.

What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.

Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

 Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.

Now add another 1000 .


Now add 30.

Add another 1000 . Now add 20.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 10.

What is the total?

Answer: Did you get 5000?

 The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer:  Did you Answer Nunu?

NO! Of course it isn't.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

He just has to open his mouth and ask...

It's really very simple...

Thanks Joe P

Ketchup Art

K mao

K dog

K face

Ketchup art

More ketchup art


80 year old new father

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.  The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.  "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.  Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Thanks Mac

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Yawning is contagious



Thought for the day

While he was in Brazil, Bush did an interview with the Brazilian press and he said the most difficult decision a president could ever make is sending troops into harm's way. But enough about Walter Reed.



A man and a woman meet each other at a party and begin a conversation.

The woman tells him "My name is Carmen.
I adopted it as an adult because it reflects the two things in life which I find most interesting. Cars and men. What's your name?"

After a very brief pause, he said "Golftits."


Leave It To Beaver Update

Eddie Haskell, Beaver and Wally Cleaver… all grown up.


Thanks Mac


Extreme Gluttons

Extreme gluttonsVultures can swallow up to 20% of their own body weight, and pythons can swallow everything from an antelope to a small child! But neither the vulture nor the python comes in at number one in this countdown. Find out who does, and how human epicures compare to the planet's most extreme eaters.

Get the book.

Stardust turns to dust

Video of the spectacular implosion of the Stardust Hotel in Las Vegas.

Watch the video.


Battleship creators sexist?

Ya think?



Candy teeth

Candy Teeth (Shockingly Funny) (Small)





Truth in advertising

Chair for sale


Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Did you know?

Did You Know? is a video created by Karl Fisch, and modified by Scott McLeod. The presentation gives a look at the results of technology today and projections about how it may affect us in the future, as well as our children, our jobs, and our emotions. You will be overwhelmed!

Did you know?


Alternate titles for O.J. Simpson's new book

Stab This Book

Stab Your Wife With This Book

Beat Your Wife to Death With This Book

Tuesdays With Stabby

Are You There, God? It's Me, a Multiple Murderer

To Kill a Mockingbird, Wherein the Mockingbird Is Your Ex-Wife and Her Friend, the Waiter

What to Expect When You're Expecting to Stab Someone

From  via

Always Coca-Clola


I’m not sure exactly what this is all about…. and I don’t think I really want to know.


Ish Birds - Don't feed them

I’m not sure what happens when you feed the Ish Birds, but I didn’t take any chances.

Ish birds

This picture of these unique birds was taken at the Riverfront Cafe on Pier 49 at Tin City in Naples Florida.   I’ve never seen Ish birds anywhere else.

Monday, March 12, 2007

In Florida for a few days


Going to take in a couple of Cardinal games and visit my aunt.  Should be back to regular posting on Friday.

Ya’ll be careful out there.