Gone to the Lake of the Ozarks…..until Sunday evening.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Driving Tiger Woods
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"
World's greatest penile artist
As far as I know he is the ONLY guy who paints with his penis, so he would be the greatest and the worst.
But, this is the internet…and I certainly wouldn’t be surprised if there were many more penile artists.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
How to identify where a driver is from
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
- One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
- One hand on wheel, cradling cellphone, brick on accelerator: California. (With gun in lap: Riverside.)
- Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
- Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
- One hand on horn, one hand cradling cellphone, both feet on accelerator: Buenos Aires
- One hand on latté, one knee on wheel, cradling cellphone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
- One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas city male
- One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
- Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna, cousin/spouse in passenger seat: Arkansas
- Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
2006 Hot Dog Eating Champion
Joey Chestnut gave Takeru Kobayashi a run for his money, pushing the reigning Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest champion to a new world record.
Kobayashi ate 53 3/4 hot dogs (with buns) to claim his sixth consecutive Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest title. Chestnut, who had hoped to bring the hot dog eating championship home to America, ate 52 hot dogs.
The previous world hot dog eating record, also set by Kobayashi, was 53 1/2 hot dogs (with buns).
Columbine massacre security footage
Appears to be the actual school security videos edited together.
Mesmerizing video of the two lunatic students who killed 12 and wounded 24 others before killing themselves on April 20, 1999.
WARNING: Video not for everyone.
Watch the video Link no longer working
UPDATE: Link to the video on another site.
More on this horrible day from Wikipedia
Sex Education
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.
One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.
"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
"American Pie" - The song's line by line meaning
The entire song is a tribute to Buddy Holly and a commentary on how rock and roll music changed in the years since his death. Singer/songwriter Don McLean is lamenting the lack of "danceable" good time party music in rock and roll and (in part) attributing that lack to the absence of Buddy Holly et. al.
Here is the first verse:
(Verse 1)
A long, long time ago...
"American Pie" reached #1 in the U.S. in 1972; the album containing it was released in 1971. Buddy Holly died in 1959.
I can still remember how That music used to make me smile. And I knew if I had my chance, That I could make those people dance, And maybe they'd be happy for a while.
One of early rock and roll's functions was to provide dance music for various social events. McLean recalls his desire to become a musician playing that sort of music.
But February made me shiver,
Buddy Holly died on February 3, 1959 in a plane crash in Iowa during a snowstorm.
With every paper I'd deliver,
Don McLean's only job before becoming a full-time singer-songwriter was being a paperboy.
Bad news on the doorstep... I couldn't take one more step. I can't remember if I cried When I read about his widowed bride
Holly's recent bride was pregnant when the crash took place; she had a miscarriage shortly afterward.
But something touched me deep inside, The day the music died.
The same plane crash that killed Buddy Holly also took the lives of Richie Valens ("La Bamba") and The Big Bopper ("Chantilly Lace"). Since all three were so prominent at the time, February 3, 1959 became known as "The Day The Music Died".
So...
(Refrain) Bye bye Miss American Pie,
Don McLean dated a Miss America candidate during the pageant.
Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry Them good ol' boys were drinkin whiskey and rye Singing "This'll be the day that I die, This'll be the day that I die."
One of Holly's hits was "That'll be the Day"; the chorus contains the line "That'll be the day that I die".
As Paul Harvey would say, “Here’s the rest of the story.”
60s Songs Revised for Aging Baby Boomers
Some of the artists of the 60's are now revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
1. Herman's Hermits
Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker
2. The Bee Gees
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
3. Bobby Darin
Splish, Splash, I was Havin' a Flash
4. Ringo Starr
I Get by with a Little Help from Depends
5. Roberta Flack
The First Time Ever I Forgot your Face
6. Johnny Nash
I Can't See Clearly Now
7. Paul Simon
Fifty Ways to Lose your Liver
8. Commodores
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
9. Marvin Gaye
Heard it Through the Grape Nuts
10. Procol Harem
A Whiter Shade of Hair
11. Leo Sayer
You Make Me Feel Like Napping
12. The Temptations
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
13. Abba
Denture Queen
14.Tony Orlando
Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Hear me Fall
15. Helen Reddy
I am Woman, Hear me Snore
16. Willie Nelson
On the Throne Again
Thanks Donnie Mac
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Weird facts
Water trap
Dig a swimming pool sized hole on a jogging path. Fill it with water and cover it with leaves and wait for people to come by. Hilarity ensues.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Cannibal Restaurant
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"
The waiter fetched the cook.....and Cookie replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?"
Things I figured out
Here are just a few of the things readers at cockeyed.com have figured out:
- As silly as it may sounds, dishwashing liquid should never go into a dishwasher. Dishwasher liquid is perferable and will not leave soap suds all over the kitchen.
- Don't take out or put in your contact lenses immediately after cutting hot peppers. Ideally, wear gloves when cutting the peppers.
- Driving slower in traffic is actually less stressful and it seems like I get home in the same amount of time.
- My mind was blown when I learned that a wet sponge will hold much more water than a dry sponge
- Food keeps cooking after you remove it from heat! So if you're cooking a thick steak, and the internal temperature is 140 degrees, it can go as high as 145 degrees AFTER you take it off the grill.
- If you leave a pile of papers - all in disorder - on the edge of your desk nearest the enterance to your cubical, people walking by will think you are busy, and thus leave you alone, not give you more work to do.
- Rubbing your hands on a stainless steel surface under running water after chopping garlic or onions completely removes the smell. No soap required. I don't know why it happens, but it does.
- When your car decelerates, a helium balloon inside the car will float to the back of the car, in contrast to everything else that rolls to the front.
Veteran arrested for wearing a Veterans for Peace shirt
This afternoon, drinking a cup of coffee while sitting in the Jesse Brown V.A. Medical Center on Chicago’s south side, a Veterans Administration cop walked up to me and said, "OK, you’ve had your 15 minutes, it’s time to go."
"Huh?", I asked intelligently, not quite sure what he was talking about.
"You can’t be in here protesting," officer Adkins said, pointing to my Veterans For Peace shirt.
"Well, I’m not protesting, I’m having a cup of coffee," I returned, thinking that logic would convince Adkins to go back to his earlier duties of guarding against serious terrorists.
Flipping his badge open, he said, "No, not with that shirt. You’re protesting and you have to go."
Beginning to get his drift, I said firmly, "Not before I finish my coffee."
He insisted that I leave, but still not quite believing my ears, I tried one more approach to reason. "Hey, listen. I’m a veteran. This is a V.A. facility. I’m sitting here not talking to anybody, having a cup of coffee. I’m not protesting and you can’t kick me out."
"You’ll either go or we’ll arrest you," Adkins threatened.
"Well, you’ll just have to arrest me," I said, wondering what strange land I was now living in.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
16,000 firecrackers go off at once
16,000 Firecrackers, bundled and hanging from a pipe pole. Forget rolling the whole roll out, it's better to just tape it together and let 'em all blow up!
Alcoholic monkey
Banno loves beer, she guzzles at least three to four bottles everyday. And if she doesn’t get her quota, she can even turn violent. In fact, Banno has been hooked on the drink for the last decade or so, even as her peers favour bananas. For Banno is a female monkey in Nawabganj locality of Unnao.
For over a decade now, Banno has been living on a tree near a beer shop in Nawabganj. Over the years, she has become the local star, as visitors flock to the area to see the monkey drinking beer.
And now, the monkey apparently cannot do without the drink even going to the extent of attacking people.
The owner of the beer shop, Rajesh Singh, admits that Banno helped raise his sale figures. People visit the site just to see the monkey drinking beer. ‘‘But now, she has been hitting business as she has injured at least half-a-dozen people in the last few months,’’ he says.
Leap frogging mouse
There's nothing like a friend to help you out when times are tough... And this mouse found himself an unlikely ally when floodwaters devastated parts of northern India.
He hitched a ride to safety on the back of a friendly frog which ferried him back to the bank when the mouse was swept into a swollen river near Lucknow, the state capital of Uttar Pradesh on June 30, 2006.
Tornado and rainbow - Two for the price of one
Explanation: The scene might have been considered serene if it weren't for the tornado. Last June in Kansas, storm chaser Eric Nguyen photographed this budding twister in a different light -- the light of a rainbow. Pictured above, a white tornado cloud descends from a dark storm cloud. The Sun, peeking through a clear patch of sky to the left, illuminates some buildings in the foreground. Sunlight reflects off raindrops to form a rainbow. By coincidence, the tornado appears to end right over the rainbow. Streaks in the image are hail being swept about by the high swirling winds. Over 1,000 tornadoes, the most violent type of storm known, occur on Earth every year, many in tornado alley. If you see a tornado while driving, do not try to outrun it -- park your car safely, go to a storm cellar, or crouch under steps in a basement.
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