Saturday, September 30, 2006
1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture."
2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."
3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."
4 Unknown: "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."
5. Hank Aaron: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."
6. Lee Trevino: "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."
7. Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."
8. Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."
9. Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five."
10. Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players: "They throw their clubs backwards and sideways, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."
11. Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."
12. Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."
13. Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
14. Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron."
15. Unknown: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."
16. John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."
17. "Silk Stockings" TV Show: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."
18. Gerald Ford: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."
19. P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."
20. Bob Hope: "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him."
21. Ken Harrelson: "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the centre-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base."
22. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life."
23. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."
24. Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high- volume, tempermental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said: "I'd say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir." "A 3- iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt. "What kind of stupid, #*!~%^* choice is that?" "Those are the only two clubs you have left in the your bag, sir." said the caddie.
Posted 5:11 PM
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend." the boys replied.
Posted 5:05 PM
Here are just a few from the list….
- peel a goat's head and put it in a pot, covering it with water. Add vegetables and spices appealing to your taste and boil it for four to twelve hours. To cure your hangover, drink the broth then crack the goat skull open and eat the brain
- lime juice popsicles
- a pint of cold yogurt mixed with a pint of cold water till thoroughly blended. Now drnk it.
- stick a lemon slice in your armpit or better yet in your ass
- beer mixed with clam juice
- pickled tomatoes washed down by the brine they were pickled in.
- two drops of tobasco on your tongue tip followed by the baby formula Pedialyte.
- get two bananas and two cans of your favorite cola. Immediately after you wake up, eat a banana as fast as you can and do ten jumping jacks. Then, quickly, drink one can of cola, slamming it without stopping, followed by five more jumping jacks. Repeat with the second banana and second cola.
- drink one glass of cold milk, then eat five teaspoons of ketchup and some tobasco hot sauce.
- eat raw cabbage, pickled pigs feet and drink a diet cola...near a bucket...if you know what we mean
- eat a pickled sheep's eye in a glass of tomato juice.
I think I’d just prefer the hangover.
Posted 4:30 PM
Some time ago Pete Rose signed a bunch of baseballs with the inscription “I’m sorry I bet on baseball.” According to media reports, he gave these balls to friends and never intended them to be sold for profit.
But the estate of one of the collectors who received the ball decided to put 30 of them up for auction. There was speculation that these balls would sell for a huge amount of money.
That is when Pete Rose stepped in and delivered one of the fundamental lessons in economics: as long as there are close substitutes available, prices can’t get too high.
He is now selling them on his website for $299. This has killed the idea of an entrepreneur making big bucks from them….. and Rose makes money.
Posted 4:13 PM
Whether its in the car listening to the radio, at a sports event, in a bar, or in the shower, one of the great things about pop music is it invites you to sing along. Some songs clearly are better than others for singing along, and it takes some time for a pop song to establish itself as a clear favorite. Read on for your guide's picks of the best of the best in singalong favorites.
1) Baha Men - Who Let the Dogs Out
2) Beatles - Hey Jude
3) Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive
4) Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You
5) Tommy James and the Shondells - Mony Mony
6) Joan Jett and the Blackhearts - I Love Rock and Roll
7) Don McLean - American Pie
8) Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
9) Santana Featuring Rob Thomas - Smooth
10) Village People - YMCA
For details on these selections click here
Posted 3:56 PM
Friday, September 29, 2006
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table for a customer, any customer ... when suddenly a very attractive lady comes over and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. "I hope you don't mind," she says, "but I feel much luckier when I am stripped down to my underwear."
With that, she pulls off her blouse and her trousers, and with a yell of "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" she rolls the dice. At once she begins jumping up and down and bouncing and hugging each of the dealers: "YES! I WIN! I WIN! I WIN!" And with that she picks up her money and her clothing and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other, utterly dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
"I thought YOU were watching!"
Posted 10:21 AM
Asked by Mrs. Clark if he knew what day it was.]
"Oh, yes; it is the glorious Fourth of July. It is a great day. It is a good day. God bless it. God bless you all. [He then lapsed into unconsciousness. He awakened later, and mumbled] Thomas Jefferson..."
- Who: John Adams
- John Adams died on July 4, 1826. He is often quoted as having said "Thomas Jefferson still survives." with some depictions indicating he might have not expressed the entire statement before dying, i.e.: "Thomas Jefferson… still survi—", but some research indicates that only the words "Thomas Jefferson" were clearly intelligible among his last. Adams did not know that Jefferson, his great political rival—and later friend and correspondent—had died a few hours earlier that same 4th of July, 1826.
- What is this?
- Who: Leonard Bernstein
Dammit…Don't you dare ask God to help me.
- Who: Joan Crawford. This comment was directed towards her housekeeper who began to pray aloud.
- I've always loved my wife, my children, and my grandchildren, and I've always loved my country. I want to go. God, take me.
- Who: Dwight D. Eisenhower
- Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French Fries'!
- Who: James French.
- Notes: French, a convicted murderer, was sentenced to the electric chair. He shouted these words to members of the press who were to witness his execution.
- Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
- Who: Groucho Marx
Posted 9:12 AM
According to United States copyright law in United States Code, Title 17 §106, authors of works such as musical compositions have the exclusive right "to perform the copyrighted work publicly." In United States Code, Title 17 §101, the law defines publicly performing a work as "to perform or display it at a place open to the public or at any place where a substantial number of persons outside of a normal circle of a family and its social acquaintances is gathered."
This means that if you sing Happy Birthday to your family at home, you're probably not committing copyright infringement. However, if you do it in an restaurant — and if the restaurant hasn't already worked out a deal with ASCAP — you may be engaging in copyright infringement.
Posted 8:38 AM
Cow-tipping myth hasn't got a leg to stand on
IT IS the kind of story you hear from a friend of a friend — how, after a long night in a rural hostelry and at a loss for entertainment in the countryside, they head out into a nearby field.
There, according to the second-hand accounts, they sneak up on an unsuspecting cow and turn the poor animal hoof over udder.
Not so, says Margo Lillie, a doctor of zoology at the University of British Columbia
Posted 8:35 AM
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Each evening the bird lover would stand in his backyard, trying to attract an owl into responding to his attempted owl call -- and one night, to his utter delight, an owl finally hooted back to him. He managed to keep the "conversation" going for over a month of nights. He even kept a log.
In the meantime, his wife was gradually getting to know the neighbours. During an over-the-fence chat, she happened to mention that her husband spent his nights calling out to owls.
"That is odd," replied the neighbour. "So does my husband."
Posted 8:41 AM
A blond lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. ! My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.
Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are yhou doing here?: he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."
Posted 8:38 AM
So your hungry, and you have a group of people, and you just can't figure out which restaurant to go to. No problem. Use lunch slots. Lunch Slots will randomly choose from both local restraurants and global chains like Olive Garden, and Chili's. It will then prsent you with three choices on a place to go eat.
Try Lunch Slots
Posted 8:34 AM
Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parents' house for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She repies, "No. Not yet."
Johnny asks, "Do you want to know what I think?"
"No," says his mom. "Just get to school."
When Johnny comes home for lunch he asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up
She replies, "No."
Again Johnny asks, "Do you want to know what I think?"
"No, just get back to school," says his mom.
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up
His mom says, "No."
"Do you want to know what I think now?" asks Johnny.
"OK. What do you think?" says his mom.
"Well," Johnny said, "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
Posted 8:19 AM
Posted 7:51 AM
That alphabet. It’s been around a long time, and I, for one, have some complaints. Don’t you think it’s time for a redesign? I mean, the thing’s not exactly “fresh” anymore, is it?
This looks like two different people designed these letterforms and they weren’t talking to each other. Both the upper and lower case are quite wonderful, but as a pair? What were they thinking? The capital A has a good iconic structure: three strokes and you’re done. I like the way they lean together to form that stable triangular shape, which is reinforced by the crossbar. It’s very strong.
The lowercase a has beautiful curves, and allows for a lot of variation within the shape. It’s feminine, and extremely sexy, but sometimes the bowl causes problems ... it has so little space to fit into: half the x-height! This is inconsistent with the other letters in the aphabet and seems a bit out of place. As for that other “a”, no comment.
This is a very nice pair; whoever did this was really thinking about the relationship between the two. I like the way the capital B can have some variation in the proportions from top to bottom. Obviously designed by a man, the ball and stick of the lowercase b is simple and, appropriately, half of the cap B. Talk about male and female! The buxom, pregnant cap together with the excitable lowercase.
Too obviously a pair! This is just lazy design, imho. A curve, and a smaller curve. What’s with that? Put some effort into it!
Posted 7:47 AM
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get 34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.
Posted 7:37 AM
Monday, September 25, 2006
Angus MacDougall is a three-year-old terrier mix that has recently been blessed with the revered and holy image of Jesus Christ on his hindquarters. Is this manifestation of The Prince of Peace a coincidence or a bona fide miracle? One thing is for certain, this apparition of the Son of God is sure to inspire controversy. Not much if any true scientific or theological inquiry has been made into the nature of this sign to date, but "seeing is believing" as little Angus' terrier-tush is obviously marked by the likeness of Christ.
Posted 11:11 AM
Sunday, September 24, 2006
1. Try everything twice. On Madam's tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!
2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches;)
3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, Whatever. Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.
Thanks Joe P
Posted 8:49 PM
... at a roast for comedian Jeff Foxworthy.
Posted 4:36 PM
A fleeing Al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties. The Arab asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.00.” The Arab shouted, “Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.”
“OK”, said the old Jew, “it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom!”
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, now nearing collapse.
He gasped, “Your brother won’t let me in without a tie.”
Posted 4:25 PM
Young brothers Ben and Jack Scott were reeling with sibling rivalry after catching two whopping catfish - weighing 355lbs between them - within a day of each other.
Jack, 15, was first to net a huge fish when he snared a 168lb (12st) catfish - almost twice his own body weight.
But not to be outdone his little brother Ben, 12, caught a catfish weighing 187lbs (13st) - a Spanish record - in exactly the same spot the next day.
Both fish were twice as long as the junior anglers - and were caught during a family holiday in Mequinenza, Spain.
Posted 3:26 PM