Saturday, July 15, 2006
Catching a gorilla
A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.
He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for "Gorilla Catcher."
When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the guy asks, "Is it male or female?"
"Male," he replies.
"Oh yeah, we can do that. I'll be right there," he states.
An hour later, the Gorilla Catcher shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs.
He then gives the man the handcuffs and the shotgun. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke at the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rottweiler will move in and bite the gorilla's private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across himself for protection, and that's when you move in with the handcuffs!"
The man goes pale and asks, "Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?"
The Gorilla Catcher replies, "Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you shoot that Rottweiler!"
Quote of the day
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. — Jack Benny
Friday, July 14, 2006
Child custody battle
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.
The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first.
She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."
The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.
The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to: me or the machine?"
via (Some content NSFW)
This doesn't surprise me
Think You've Heard It All?
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50".
The next day someone stole it.
Now you know...
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
Q. Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex.
What is it?
A. Skinny dipping.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace. This is propinquity.
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. More women do this in the bathroom than men.
A. Wash their hands. Women: 80%, men: 55%.
Q. What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
A. Gain weight.
Q. In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell.
A. Banana.
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand.
Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windscreen wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.
A. Change their underwear.
Q. This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.
A. A kiss.
Q. This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
A. Honey.
Q. 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?
A. Have a look in your medicine cabinet.
Q. 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.
A. Wear underwear.
Q. What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, and 9% carbon dioxide?
A. A fart.
Bizarre English Metaphors (and Similes)
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners . . .
- She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef. - Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. - McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup. - The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease. - The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike
Phil, this plan just might work. - He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping
on a land mine or something.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN
"This just in, breaking news from Hell,
Ken Lay has just swindled Zarqawi out of his 72 virgins."
Cwazy wabbit
Every day a rabbit goes into a butcher's store and asks if the butcher has any lettuce. Every day the butcher gets more and more annoyed, pointing out he sells meat, not lettuce. After a week the butcher has had enough: "Look, if you come in here and ask me for lettuce one more time, I will nail your big ears to the floor."
The very next day the rabbit returns. Before the butcher can tell the rabbit to leave, the rabbit asks: "Do you have any nails?"
"Er, no."
"In that case, do you have any lettuce?"
Interesting headlines
PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER.
COLUMNIST GETS UROLOGIST IN TROUBLE WITH HIS PEERS.
CITY MAY IMPOSE MANDATORY TIME FOR PROSTITUTION.
SOUTH DAKOTA GROUP TO SERVICE WIDOWS.
FLORIDA JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH.
BUSH WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
20 YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTER.
YOGI B--SOMETIMES YOU CAN OBSERVE ALOT BY JUST WATCHING.
Marriage
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Aspirin
Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since he was young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.
"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."
"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"
McDonald's Employment Application
This kid will go far. He should probably be on stage rather than flipping burgers.
This is an actual employment application that a 17–year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s restaurant in Florida, and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
Here is part of the application:
Eating healthy at fast food restaurants
That sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? But it is kind of possible with these handy nutritional guides for fast food restaurants.
From Dr. Gourmet:
I have created this list of selected items for you to use when you must eat out. The items listed fall generally under 400 calories or so and under 15 grams of fat, so if you are going to be stuck eating at such restaurants, this is a fairly good guideline. I've also included a printable version so that you can print it out and take it with you for reference.
Here is a list from McDonald's: (And from this I learned that a Chicken McGrill has more fat than a regular hamburger.) Interesting stuff here.
View more fast food nutrition tables.
via
How to retire faster
According to the Motley Fool the simple answer is SAVE…. and start NOW.
Details here Simple yet interesting.
Riddle of the day
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a hammer, how should he express himself?
Think about it first before viewing the answer...
(Click and drag your mouse from star to star)
* He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a hammer." *
If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.
Thanks Gary J
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Veterinary class
First-year students at Texas A&M Veterinary School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In veterinary medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is not to be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."
The Professor then pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the dead cow's butt, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitating for several minutes; but, eventually, took turns sticking a finger in the dead cow's butt and then sticking it in their mouths.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
The dead duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away.
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat! The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00."
Sometimes we just need to be reminded!
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.
He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.
"Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or whom we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special-Don't EVER forget it." If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring.
Count your blessings, not your problems, and remember: amateurs built the ark ... professionals built the Titanic.
R.I.P. Fred Clark
You don’t know Fred Clark. I didn’t know Fred Clark either. But I like his obituary. His obit has “life”.
An excerpt:
During his life he excelled at mediocrity. He loved to hear and tell jokes, especially short ones due to his limited attention span. He had a life long love affair with bacon, butter, cigars and bourbon. You always knew what Fred was thinking much to the dismay of his friend and family. His sons said of Fred, "he was often wrong, but never in doubt". When his family was asked what they remembered about Fred, they fondly recalled how Fred never peed in the shower - on purpose.
No funeral or service is planned. However, a party will be held to celebrate Fred's life. It will be held in Midlothian, Va. Email fredsmemory@yahoo.com for more information. Fred's ashes will be fired from his favorite cannon at a private party on the Great Wicomico River where he had a home for 25 years. Additionally, all of Fred's friend (sic) will be asked to gather in a phone booth, to be designated in the future, to have a drink and wonder, "Fred who?"
Cute videoRiddle of the day
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
Thanks Joe E
Monday, July 10, 2006
Why is honey golden in color?
A) Because of the Sun the flowers receive?
B) Because Flower Pollen is naturally Golden?
C) Because it's manufactured that way?
D) I don't know.
The answer can be found here.
Worst road in the world
The road connects "La Paz to Coroico, 35 miles northeast of La Paz in the Yungas region of Bolivia. It is legendary for its extreme danger, killing about 100 travelers annually. The road descends from 12,000 ft to 1000 ft, transitioning quickly from cool altiplano terrain to rain forest as it winds through very steep hillsides and atop cliffs."
The bird
I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that
wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.
Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.
On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car
behind me was a police car.
Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears.
He simply stated: “I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.”
Gold
A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court.
Absolutely pure gold is so soft that it can be molded with the hands.
An ounce of gold can be stretched into a wire 50 miles long.
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