Saturday, August 26, 2006
Isn't love grand?
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic,because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?
"The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried facing down..."
Crocodile diets
Two crocodiles sat in the swamp in Louisiana.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
Well," said the bigger 'croc, "what ya been eatin', son?"
"Politicians, same's you," replied the smaller 'croc.
"Hmm. Well, where are ya catchin' 'em?"
"Down on the other side of the swamp near the parking lot, by the City Hall."
"Same here. Hmm. How ya catchin' 'em?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their cars and wait for 'em to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah !" says the big alligator, "I think I see the problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See? By the time you done shaking' the shit out of a politician, there ain't nothing' left but an asshole and a briefcase!"
Marketing
Here is everything that you wanted to know about marketing:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party; you go up to her and say "I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Direct Marketing.
One of your friends goes up to her, points at you and says "He's fantastic in bed"
That's Advertising.
You go up to her and get her number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed"
That's Telemarketing.
You straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Public Relations.
She walks up to you and says "I hear you're fantastic in bed"
That's Brand Recognition.
Idiot found dangling from 25,000 volt power line
Shocking pictures of a young man "lucky to be alive" after he dangled from overhead rail cables have been issued by transport police.
A passenger took pictures of the man as he hung from the 25,000 volt cables in Tamworth, Staffordshire, earlier this month, and handed them into police.
Pc Rob Newman of British Transport Police said the overheads had been switched off to deal with an incident.
But a residual electric current would still have been running, he said.
Gee, I wonder if alcohol was involved.
Good buying advice
10 things you shouldn’t buy new
- Books, books, books
- DVDs and CDs
- Little kids' toys
- Jewelry
- Sports equipment
- Timeshares
- Cars
- Software and console games
- Office furniture
- Hand tools
There are exceptions to these rules. For details on why you shouldn’t buy these things new click here.
10 things you shouldn’t buy used
- Laptops
- Car seats
- Plasma TVs
- DVD players
- Vacuum cleaners
- Camcorders
- Shoes
- Mattresses
- Wet suit
- Helmets
There are exceptions to these rules. For details on why you shouldn’t buy these things used click here.
World's tallest man
Xi Shun (China, b. 1951), measured 7 ft 8.95 in (2 m 36.1 cm) as a result of six measurements taken on January 15, 2005, at Chifeng City Hospital, Inner Mongolia, China.
Beating the previous holder Radhouane Charbib (Tunisia) by just 2 mm (0.07 in), Xi Shun claims that his height was normal for his age until he was 16. As a comparison, his father stood at 5 ft 10.8 in (1.8 m) and his mother was 5 ft 2.8 in (1.6 m) tall.
In his late teens, he experienced a growth spurt that, while not normal, was seemingly without any cause. Doctors who examined him in 2005 discovered no evidence of gigantism or acromegaly, and could not explain why he grew so tall so fast (it took him just seven years to reach his record height).
Following a career in the Army – he was recruited for his basketball skills! – he returned to Inner Mongolia and works as a herdsman. He also hires himself out for publicity stunts for a local restaurant and tailor.
Friday, August 25, 2006
Cheers !
Created from SupportersCheerUp
(Since my “phrase” was more than a screenful I had to screen capture two jpegs and join them together using Paintshop Pro 10.)
Two-headed animal exhibit on display in St. Louis
With regard to snakes, there are Guinness World Records for the heaviest living snake, longest fangs and even one for sitting in a bathtub with the most live rattlesnakes.
In regard to multiple heads, there are Guinness records for the most heads of state together, most heads shaved in four hours and the most consecutive haircuts given in a day.
But a record that combines snakes and multiple heads? A record, say, for the largest exhibit of two-headed animals?
Not yet . . . but coming soon to an aquarium near you.
Though the vaunted Guinness Book of World Records lists no such record now, the World Aquarium at the City Museum near downtown St. Louis hopes to change that with an exhibit starting Tuesday next week and running through Sept. 5. The exhibit will feature We - the aquarium's rare albino two-headed black rat snake - and nine other two-headed snakes and turtles owned by Fred Lally of West Fork, Ark.
Aquarium president Leonard Sonnenschein is hoping a local reptile dealer with a two-headed snake also will join the exhibit, which would boost the head count to 22.
"It should be a huge two-headed party," Sonnenschein said Tuesday.
The City Museum is at 701 North 15th Street.
Pluto kicked out of solar system
Leading astronomers declared yesterday that Pluto is no longer a planet under historic new 
guidelines that downsize the solar system from nine planets to eight. After a tumultuous week of clashing over the essence of the cosmos, the International Astronomical Union stripped Pluto of the planetary status it has held since its discovery in 1930.
It's a decade-old controversy: Pluto is so much smaller than the other eight planets, so different in composition and in such a weird, tilted orbit that it doesn't quite belong. But the discovery last summer of a new object, similar to Pluto but bigger, threw the whole thing wide open. If Pluto is a planet, so must 2003 UB313 be. If 2003 UB313 isn't, Pluto can't be. Simple as that.
Already started is the Save Pluto campaign at Worth 1000
Robotic bartender
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150".
The robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics & spirituality, biochemistry, environmental erconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, & sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed & thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, & comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink & asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, & women's body parts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar & decides to give the robot 1 more test. He heads out & returns.
The robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
The robot says... real slowly, "So... is.. your... party... gonna... nominate... Hillary... for...president ???
Food for thought
Do you know the Preamble for your state?
After reviewing acknowledgments of God from all 50 state constitutions, one is faced with the prospect that maybe, the ACLU and the out -of-control federal courts are wrong! If you found this to be "Food for thought.." copy and send to as many as you think will be enlightened as I hope you were.
Please note that at no time is anyone told that they MUST worship God.
"Those people who will not be governed by God will be ruled by tyrants." - William Penn
GOD BLESS
Thursday, August 24, 2006
How Moses Got the Ten Commandments
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.”
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested."
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shall not steal"
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
There, that ought to offend just about everybody. (It’s a joke people)
One night at the bar....
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles. "
With that the bartender opens the door to look in and says... "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Doctors slang
Here are a few examples from the list of anagrams and slang used in the medical industry in the U.S. and the U.K.:
- 3H enema - Enema that is "high, hot, and a hell of a lot." Reputedly given to patients who give staff a hard time.
- 10th Floor Transfer - dying (floor number is always the next number on from the highest floor in the hospital).
- (Acute Lead Poisoning) Air-conditioned - Multiple gun shot wounds
- ALS - Absolute Loss of Sanity (nutcase)
- AQR - Ain't Quite Right
- AST - Assuming Seasonal Temperature (dead)
- BMW - Bitch Moan & Whine
- Bugs in the rug - pubic lice
- Bury the Hatchet - accidently leave a surgical instrument inside a patient.
- Chocolate Hostage - constipated
- CRAFT - Can’t Remember A F*cking Thing
- Eating In - Intravenous feeding
- FTD - Fixing To Die
- God's Waiting Room - intensive care unit and/or geriatric unit
- Hi 5 - HIV positive ("V" being Roman for 5)
- Incarceritis - becoming dubiously ill when arrested or in court
- Negative Wallet Biopsy - (US) patient transferred to cheaper hospital because s/he has no insurance/funds
- OB/GYN - actually means Obstetric/Gynaecology, rumoured to mean "Oh Boy-Got You Naked"
- OPD - Obnoxious Personality Disorder
- Pumpkin Positive - a penlight shone into the patient's mouth/ear would encounter a brain so small that the whole head would light up
- Rule of Five - if more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance
- Stream team - urology dept
Sweet-Heart Swee-Sshirt
Share this with a loved one. It’s only $80. Pardon me while I puke.
* Four-arm construction allows superior freedom of movement
* Contiguous front pocket
* Extra roomy hood
* Screen-printed chests feature the signature "Extra Love"™ tri-heart
Ole Blue
A young Louisiana lad goes off to LSU, but about one-third of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at LSU that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him in to the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About two-thirds way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Newspaper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?""
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
Thanks Phyllis
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
40 things every drunkard should do before he dies
From Modern Drunkard Click that link to get details on each item. I’ve added my comments in green.
- 1.) Open and close a bar. On the same day?
- 2.) Go on a bender. For how long? I’m a busy guy you know.
- 3.) Drink a fifth of hard liquor, by yourself, in one day. Been there, done that… while on a fishing trip many moons ago.
- 4.) Dance like a fool in front of a large hooting crowd. Do it regularly
- 5.) Spend a night in the drunk tank. Not yet, but almost.
- 6.) Get drunk on the grave of your hero. Great idea
- 7.) Buy a crowded bar a round. I might be drunk, but I’m not a Kennedy
- 8.) Embark on an impromptu road trip. One of my favorite pastimes
- 9.) Get 86’d from a bar. Can’t say as I have… yet.
- 10.) Extravagantly overtip a bartender. What does she look like?
- 11.) Walk up to an attractive stranger way out of your league and buy him or her a drink. Good idea
- 12.) Conspire an afterhours at your favorite bar. Is that bar or bra? Thought you might be dyslexic.
- 13.) Make your best friend a perfect martini. Martini? But why? He won’t drink it.
- 14.) Buy, build or steal a home bar. Bought
- 15.) Get carried home by your drinking buddies. Been there, done that.
- 16.) Get drunk with your father. Now you tell me. Too late. Besides Dad didn’t drink much.
- 17.) Fight a good fight. I’m a lover not a fighter.
- 18.) Visit the source of your favorite beer, wine or liquor. Done
- 19.) Drunkenly watch the sun come up with your best boozing buddies and a bottle. I seem to recall doing that
- 20.) Sit in on an A.A. meeting. Went to a meeting at AAA once.
- 21.) Hit a dozen bars in one night. My limit is 6 or 7
- 22.) Try at least one hundred different drinks. In one sitting?
- 23.) Get loaded in the land of your forefathers. Every time I do, I do.
- 24.) Juice on the job. Been known to happen a time or two.
- 25.) Split a magnum of expensive champagne with your true love. Would wine do?
- 26.) Give a hobo twenty bucks. Whew! I thought you said homo. Charity starts at home.
- 27.) Get loaded and tell your boss exactly how you feel. Do it all the time. I’m self employed.
- 28.) Send a friend a bottle of good liquor. Been there, done that.
- 29.) Eat a pickled egg from the big jar. Never been drunk enough to do that
- 30.) Go on a fishing trip with your pals. Regularly
- 31.) Eat the worm. Eat or beat?
- 32.) Learn at least one traditional drinking song. Only one?
- 33.) Steal some booze. Hmmmm, can’t recall doing that. Used to acquire it illegally though when underage.
- 34.) Spend half a paycheck on a single bottle of liquor. How about spending a whole paycheck on a half bottle?
- 35.) Start your long-awaited and very personal autobiography: Me and the Booze: A Love Story.
- 36.) Try absinthe. I’ll give up anything but booze… and pizza.
- 37.) Watch the movie Barfly with five of your closest friends. I’ll put it on my list.
- 38.) Work at least a week as a bartender. Consider this my application
- 39.) Make your own beer, wine or moonshine. Long ago… made beer and stomped grapes for wine (awful)
- 40.) Go to your place of worship loaded. Done several times many years ago.
Patches the horse thinks he’s just one of the guys.
Sweedish bachelor party prank
Check out the picture (nothing unusual). 
Now read this:
In Sweden it is a bit of a custom for the groom to be kidnapped and whisked off somewhere for his stag night, which usually lasts all day and all night rather than the typical British stag night where you all arrange it beforehand go out get drunk and hire a stripper.
The Swedes do it different.. The groom has no idea until he gets nabbed.. He might be dressed up in something crazy... and go do something funny...and then the fun starts!
This particular guy is a keen sailor and when he was kidnapped for his stag night they pasted a false "skippers-beard" on him and put him at the helm of a 60 foot yacht and let him be skipper for the day...
Much beer and fine food was consumed. But nothing... nasty happened to him at all... In the evening when they got back on land and were getting cleaned up for the night club... they all had a sauna as is customary in Sweden....
Imagine the grooms horror when he walked into the sauna where his naked buddies were waiting for him and then to notice that best mate number one had no pubic hair ...
neither did friend two ...
nor three ...
or four...
Now check out the false beard again...........
Why are rat testicles so big?
The first sight of a male rat can be a shock to the uninitiated. Those testicles, giant pillow-like things hanging behind the rump, seem to take up one's entire field of vision. Rat testicles -- also known as torpedoes and goolies -- give rise to a lot of humor and embarrassment.
So, why are rat testicles so large?
It has to do with massive amounts of sperm production. Read all about it here.
The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ ~Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
Thanks Joe E
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
The blind date phone call
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
Perfect example
A man was asked to spare some change for a bite to eat by a particularly shabby-looking homeless man. The man takes out his wallet to pull out a couple of dollars, then asks: "If I gave you this money, will you buy some Budweiser with it instead?"
The homeless man shakes his head no: he had had to give up drinking years ago.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?"
"No," says the homeless man emphatically. "How can I gamble? I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course instead of food?"
The homeless man stares at him in sheer disbelief: "Are you nuts? I have not played golf in twenty years!"
"Well," says the would-be donor, "I am not going to give you the two dollars. Instead, I am going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
And now the homeless man is even more confused: "Won't your wife be furious with you? I mean, look at me."
"Hey, man, it's all good! I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up Budweiser, gambling, and golf."
The hunter
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband on the hunt with a flyswatter. "Did you get any?" she asked.
"Yep, three males, two females."
Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell?"
"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Confession
Joe knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at him, and said, "Joe, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
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