Saturday, June 02, 2007
Girls of age
What is the difference between girls aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?
At 8 - You take her to bed
and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story
and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story
to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story
and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story
to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed
to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed,
that'll be a story!!
What gender is your computer?
Here are the arguments for both sides:
It’s male because:
- No one but their creator understands their internal logic
- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model
- Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
or….
It’s female because:
- No one but their creator understands their internal logic
- They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
- In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
Update: OK, Due to popular demand I’ve reorder the items. Numbers 1, 3 and 4 works for both male and female.
I can't wait to see this guys jersey when he joins a MLB team
Apparently the Boston Red Sox are interested in Kosuke Fukudome, a Japanese baseball star.
He won the Central League MVP award in 2006. He hit .351/.438/.653 and led the league in batting average (28 points ahead of runner-up Seung-Yeop Lee), runs (117), doubles (47), slugging and OBP (36 points ahead of Tyrone Woods). He was second in triples (5), third in total bases (324), walks (76) and tied for third in hits (174), fifth in RBI (104) and sixth in home runs (31).
Friday, June 01, 2007
Wormface
Not quite sure what this guy is suffering from, but I’m glad it’s him and not me. Not for the squeamish.
Application for employment
NAME: BLANE CAULDER
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
God and Science
One day some scientists got together and decided that, what with cloning and other miraculous things, Man had come so far that He no longer needed God. One scientist was chosen to give God the news. God listened very patiently and kindly to the scientist, and after she was done talking, God suggested, "Very well, then how about if you show me how you can make Man, just like I did back in the days of Adam."
To which the scientist replied, "Sure thing!" and stooped for a handful of dirt.
God only looked at her and sighed: "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."
Fox out-foxed by wheel
They are meant to be among the most cunning of all creatures – but a fox cub was left a bit worse for wear after being out-foxed by a car wheel.
The inquisitive creature got stuck fast when he poked his head through the discarded wheel in a back garden.
It is thought the cub – nicknamed Dunlop – may have been trapped for hours trying to extricate himself.
Fortunately, the terrified 12-week-old was spotted by homeowner Kim Strugnelll, who called in wildlife volunteers.
They later returned Dunlop to the garden, where he lives with his parents and five siblings.
22 worst named places in the world
From via22. Cockburn, Western Australia
21. Twatt, Orkney, Shetland Islands, Scotland
20. Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu, New Zealand
19. Muff, Ireland
18. Looneyville, Texas, United States
17. Titty Hill, Sussex, England
16. Thong, Kent, England
15. Gravesend, Kent, England
14. Wetwang, Yorkshire... yep! England again!
13. Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
12. Bald Knob, Arkansas, United States
11. Cockup, Cumbria, England
10. Whiskey Dick Mountain, Washington State, United States
9. Hookersville, West Virginia
8. Hell, Michigan, United States
7. Toad Suck, Arkansas, United States
6. Middelfart, Denmark
5. Horneytown, North Carolina, United States
4. Shitterton, Dorset, England
3. Disappointment, Kentucky, United States
2. Fucking, Austria
1. Whakapapa – Why is this the worst place name in the world? In Maori, the native language of New Zealand, the "wh" sound is pronounced "f". Say it aloud in your office and see what happens.
Things overheard at the office
Chick shoving sandwich at guy12PM Being Filled with Salty Remorse
Guy: No, why? You don't want it?
Chick: No, I'm stuffed. I just had an ass-load of salami.
Guy: So, what does that feel like?
401 6th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM That's Not Baggage -- Those Are Wedding Gifts
Suit hanging up phone: I am so done with married chicks -- they have too much baggage.
3250 42nd Street
New York, New York
5PM So... Yes
Spanish teacher, in Spanish: Margarita, what are you doing today?
Margarita: [Mutters something in Spanish.]
Student: Did you just say, 'I'm planning to attend the party where it is raining babies'?
Margarita: Baby shower. I'm going to a baby shower!
Community college
Tucson, Arizona
2PM It Would Also Succinctly Communicate What I Think of Our Mission Statement
Peon to another at two-hour mark in meeting: I'd poop in my chair if I thought it would make this meeting more interesting.
Lakewood, Colorado
9AM Not Bad Enough to Quit, Not Good Enough to Enjoy
Employee: Hello, and welcome to XYZ Store*. How are you today?
Suit: Um, I'm alright. How are you?
Employee, shrugging half-heartedly: I work at XYZ Store.
Suit: Oh, right. Sorry.
Electronics store
New York, New York
More things overheard at the office
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Microsoft unveils new Surface PC
Microsoft Corp. has taken the wraps off "Surface," a coffee-table shaped computer that responds to touch and to special bar codes attached to everyday objects.
Surface is essentially a Windows Vista PC tucked inside a shiny black table base, topped with a 30-inch touchscreen in a clear acrylic frame. Five cameras that can sense nearby objects are mounted beneath the screen. Users can interact with the machine by touching or dragging their fingertips and objects such as paintbrushes across the screen, or by setting real-world items tagged with special bar-code labels on top of it.
Unlike most touchscreens, Surface can respond to more than one touch at a time. During a demonstration with a reporter last week, Mark Bolger, the Surface Computing group's marketing director, "dipped" his finger in an on-screen paint palette, then dragged it across the screen to draw a smiley face. Then he used all 10 fingers at once to give the face a full head of hair.
With a price tag between $5,000 and $10,000 per unit, Microsoft isn't immediately aiming for the finger painting set. (The company said it expects prices to drop enough to make consumer versions feasible in three to five years.)
Building falls down on camera
This guy notices that a building in Surat, India appears to start leaning. The building eventually collapses onto the busy street below.
What does "&" mean and where did it come from?
From Wikipedia:
An ampersand (&), also commonly called an "and sign," is a logogram representing the conjunction "and." The symbol is a ligature of the letters in et, Latin for "and." Its origin is apparent in the second example in the image to the right; the first example, now more common, is a later development.
The ampersand often appeared as a letter at the end of the Latin alphabet, as for example in Byrhtferð's list of letters from 1011.[1] It is thought that teaching & as the last letter of the alphabet (... X Y Z and &), a common practice through the 19th century, led to its name, a corruption of the phrase "and per se and", meaning "and [the symbol which] by itself [is] and".[2] The Scots and Scottish English name for & is epershand, derived from "et per se and" with the same meaning.
Save money on refrigeration in the winter
This makes too much sense…
so I’m leery of the idea.
Every once in a while someone comes up with an idea that is so astoundingly simple that you have to wonder “why didn’t I think of that.” Every year in this part of the country a remarkable thing happens. The leaves fall off the trees, the sun goes into hibernation, and the rain turns into snow, we call it winter. Global warming aside, its a pretty regular event that can be counted on every year. The number one feature of winter that most people notice is that, it gets really freaking cold outside. This is key to the workings of an invention by a company called Freeaire.
The Freeaire system is an add on product for existing walk in freezers, coolers, meat lockers, cold storage, and any other refrigerated space (I am sure you could modify it to work with a home unit, but its designed for commercial spaces). It works with all those large walk in coolers that are in just about every corner store in the world.
It has a little sensor and a fan, and when its really cold outside it pumps in cold outside air instead of turning the compressor on. Simple, cheap, why didn’t I think of this.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Google Maps new Street View
Now you can get a view from the street in many major cities.
I smell a lot of controversy here.
The worst possible time to be coming out of a strip club.
The pickup
I spotted an older woman at a bar last night. She was not too bad for 57. We drank a bit, got a little frisky & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. We went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"
What's good for the goose...
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
A wonderful night
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my , I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !
"You know, he said, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, she replies. . . . . ". "You just happened to catch my eye."
31 pics of a melted keyboard from a fire.Words of inspiration... from Yogi Berra
St. Louis native Yogi Berra gave the commencement speech at St. Louis University the other day. Here are his remarks:
"Thank you all for being here tonight. I know this is a busy time of year, and if you weren't here, you could probably be somewhere else. I especially want to thank the administration at St. Louis University for making this day necessary. It is an honor to receive this honorary degree.
"It is wonderful to be here in St. Louis and to visit the old neighborhood. I haven't been back since the last time I was here. Everything looks the same, only different. Of course, things in the past are never as they used to be.
Before I speak, I have something I'd like to say. As you may know, I never went to college, or high school for that matter. To be honest, I'm not much of a public speaker, so I will try to keep this short as long as I can.
As I look out upon all of the young people here tonight, there are a number of words of wisdom I might depart. But I think the most irrelevant piece of advice I can pass along is this:
The most important things in life are the things that are least important.
I could have gone a number of directions in my life. Growing up on the Hill, I could have opened a restaurant or a bakery. But the more time I spent in places like that, the less time I wanted to spend there. I knew that if I wanted to play baseball, I was going to have to play baseball. My childhood friend, Joe Garagiola, also became a big-league ballpayer, as did my son, Dale. I think you'll find the similarities in our careers are quite different.
You're probably wondering, how does a kid from the Hill become a New York Yankee and get in the Hall of Fame? Well, let me tell you something, if it was easy nobody would do it. Nothing is impossible until you make it possible.
Of course, times were different. To be honest, I was born at an early age. Things are much more confiscated now. It seems like a nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. But let me tell you, if the world was perfect, it wouldn't be. Even Napoleon had his Watergate.
You'll make some wrong mistakes along the way, but only the wrong survive. Never put off until tomorrow what you can't do today. Denial isn't just a river in Europe.
Strive for success and remember you won't get what you want unless you want what you get. Some will choose a different path. If they don't want to come along, you can't stop them. Remember, none are so kind as those who will not see.
Keep the faith and follow the Commandments: Do not covet thy neighbor's wife, unless she has nothing else to wear. Treat others before you treat yourself. As Franklin Eleanor Roosevelt once said, 'The only thing you have to fear is beer itself.’
Hold on to your integrity, ladies and gentlemen. It's the one thing you really need to have; if you don't have it, that's why you need it. Work hard to reach your goals, and if you can't reach them, use a ladder. There may come a day when you get hurt and have to miss work. Don't worry, it won't hurt to miss work.
Over the years, I have realized that baseball is really just a menopause for life. We all have limitations, but we also know limitation is the greatest form of flattery. Beauty is in the eyes of Jim Holder.
Half the lies you hear won't be true, and half the things you say, you won't ever say.
As parents you'll want to give your children all the things you didn't have. But don't buy them an encyclopedia, make them walk to school like you did. Teach them to have respect for others, especially the police. They are not here to create disorder, they are here to preserve it.
Throughout my career, I found good things always came in pairs of three. There will be times when you are an overwhelming underdog. Give 100 percent to everything you do, and when that's not enough, give everything you have left. 'Winning isn't everything, but it's better than rheumatism.' I think Guy Lombardo said that.
Finally, dear graduates and friends, cherish this moment; it is a memory you will never forget. You have your entire future ahead of you.
Good luck and Bob's speed."
Thanks Joe P
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Remember Me
My friend Mary has a daughter, Suzanne who is serving our country. Let’s take a moment and remember our troops.
Thanks Mary
Making coffee
A husband and wife were arguing over who should brew the coffee in the morning. He assumed she should do it. She said he should do it because he was the first to get up in the morning: "That way you won't have to wait."
He countered that the wife always brews the coffee, just like she always does the cooking. She claimed the Bible said otherwise. He asked her to prove it.
Returning with a Bible, she opened it to a page in the New Testament and pointed to it: and indeed, it did say "Hebrews".
JFK would have turned 90 today
John Fitzgerald Kennedy was born on May 29, 1917. Here is some JFK trivia:
- Kennedy was the first President to hold a press conference on television.
- He was the first president to also be a Boy Scout.
- John F. Kennedy was the first president to use the desk that was a present from Queen Victoria.
- Kennedy was the first and only Roman Catholic president.
- He was the youngest man elected president, but not our youngest president, Teddy Roosevelt was younger at the time of his inauguration.
- John F. Kennedy is one of two presidents that is buried in Arlington National Cemetery.
- One of his favorite poems was "I Have a Rendezvous With Death" by Alan Seeger.
- His father said "I will not pay for a landslide." during his campaign.
- Kennedy was the first president born in the 20th century.
- He won a Pulitzer Prize for his book "Profiles in Courage."
- Kennedy was the only president to appoint their brother to a cabinet post.
- Kennedy commissioned Pierre Salinger to buy and stockpile 1,500 Havana cigars on the eve of signing the Cuban trade embargo. Famous author C.S. Lewis died on the same day that Kennedy was shot. Kennedy was a very fast random speaker, with upwards of 350 words per minute. His right leg was 3/4 of an inch longer than his left, so he wore corrective shoes to make up for it. Kennedy canceled all White House subscriptions to the New York Herald Tribune. When a copy of the Tribune was used to line a box for newborn puppies in the White House, JFK reportedly commented “It’s finally found its proper use.”
- John F. Kennedy had a sister, Rosemary, who was mentally retarded.
- Kennedy was the first president who had served in the U.S. Navy.
- Kennedy was called Jack by his friends.
- He was named after his grandfather, John F. Fitzgerald.
Top 10 reasons why I, Homer Simpson, should be the next president
10. I'm smarter than the last guy- 9. With an oval office, I can't bump into anything
- 8. Fox News is already on my side
- 7. I will take full advantage of the free food that comes with the job
- 6. I have enormous experience apologizing for failed decisions
- 5. I will appoint a Secretary of Donuts
- 4. I will be the Secretary of Donuts
- 3. My middle name isn't Hussein... anymore
- 2. My vice president will be Mayor McCheese
- 1. Kick-ass inauguration party! Bring a six pack and you're in
Monday, May 28, 2007
Memorial Day
I think this video was from last year, but it’s appropriate in any year. We salute all the soldiers who have died fighting for our country… and for those who have ever served and are serving it now. I have a friend in Iraq right now on his second tour of duty there. Keep safe Shawn, and God bless America.
Manure... A true story
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit", which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T ." , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit", which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T ." , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.
100 Words That All High School Graduates — And Their Parents — Should Know
The editors of the American Heritage® dictionaries have compiled a list of 100 words they recommend every high school graduate should know.
"The words we suggest," says senior editor Steven Kleinedler, "are not meant to be exhaustive but are a benchmark against which graduates and their parents can measure themselves. If you are able to use these words correctly, you are likely to have a superior command of the language."
Here are just a few that I’ve never heard of:
- abjure
- abstemious
- churlish
- enervate
- gamete
- moiety (I’ve heard of hoity toitty though)
- oligarchy
- pecuniary
- quotidian (Someone who collects quotres, perhaps?)
- winnow
- ziggurat
I must be dumb.
Update: OK, I don’t feel quite so dumb. When I went to post this my spell-checker didn’t know half of them either. 
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Shh!
He was known for hardly ever attending church, so the next time the pastor saw him, he told him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
Answered he: "I am already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Asked the pastor: "So how come I never see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back: "I am in the Secret Service."
Pistol shrimp
This is incredible;
The pistol shrimp snaps a specialized claw shut to create a cavitation wave that generates noise in excess of 200 decibels and is capable of killing small fish. This sea creature blasts bubbles at over 60 mph with a temperature comparable to that of the sun.
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